So, I've decided to go back to my old job... As most of you know, my current boss is the devil... and the office manager here isn't much better. As great as it is to work everyday with my best friend of 15 years- I'm miserable. It was either quit or jump off a bridge. I think quiting was probably better (although I think I could write one hell of a suicide letter blog post!)
I loved my old job, and I got a good deal to go back... I'll certainly appreciate it much more this time around.
Everyone is worried about how this will effect my work stories, and that's a valid concern... But I can assure you that my work stories will not only be just as good- they'll probably be better.
My old boss already has an excellent assignment lined up for me at one of the Senate Office Buildings that will, for now, have to stay nameless... It should run from June until sometime next year- there's even a rumor that I'll have an office in the building... MY OWN OFFICE IN A SENATE OFFICE BUILDING!?!
In my last assignment at my old job I was at the Capitol Building and I literally bumped into Ted Kennedy while getting off an elevator! So that's the kind of stories we can look forward to...
But of course I've still got two more weeks here and I think it's safe to assume that Moe and I will not let our remaining time together be boring... I'll keep everybody posted and of course, Film Vault Tuesday's will continue.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Renunciar
Guess who's giving his boss two weeks notice today???
I'll give you some hints:
-He's fat
-He runs an obscure blog
-and his best friend is named after a Jewish Mobster in The Godfather that was famously shot in the eye.
Does anyone have a guess?
I'll give you some hints:
-He's fat
-He runs an obscure blog
-and his best friend is named after a Jewish Mobster in The Godfather that was famously shot in the eye.
Does anyone have a guess?
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
The Lawyer
I stood in the lobby of the Salvadoran Embassy and tried to hold in the rage and frustration building inside me… the lawyer explained, “I’m sorry, there is nothing I can do to help, the case is closed… The only thing your friend can do is wait and see if one of these new Immigration Bills can help her situation.”
My friend is staring down at her feet. I know her well enough to know that she’s trying not to let the lawyer see her tears.
I know the man wants to help, but there is nothing he can do. What’s fair, what’s just, what’s merciful, none of that matters…
I look around the building. The carpet is dirty and stained. The front desk is falling apart. The computers are at least 10 years old. There is no receptionist to be found. It’s just us and the lawyer. Anybody can walk in. There is no security. Not even a sign-in sheet.
I’ve spent time in the German Embassy, The Egyptian Embassy, and the Belgian Embassy- they didn’t look like this.
When you walk into one of those Embassies you can feel the importance of the building and the people in it. You can see the money. They can help… You can see the hope in the faces of the people waiting in the lobby.
None of that is present at the Salvadoran Embassy… It’s not that they don’t care, they just don‘t have any power or money.
It’s a poor country that was made even poorer by a devastating Civil War… The War has been over for a more than a decade, but in a way it will never end.
What was a fragile economy to begin with was completely shattered to the point that it may never recover.
My mind starts to drift off to the plight of El Salvador.
Roughly 25% of the people were forced to flee to the US to escape either becoming a direct casualty of the war (stray bullets, kidnappings, executions, mass graves), or an indirect casualty (starvation, no medical treatment).
Of the 9.5 million people that remain, 40% live below the poverty line and much of the population is under-employed… 20% cannot read.
The average household income is roughly $415 per month, but that’s a little misleading because (like every other Central American country) the upper class is making plenty of money and that bumps up the average… So really the average person makes much less than that. For example my sister-in-law is a teacher with a Master’s Degree and she only earns $150 per month… Like most of the people in the country, she wouldn’t be able to make ends meet if it wasn’t for the money sent home by family working in the US.
El Salvador’s story is by no means unique in the region… It’s no coincidence that at the same time Nicaragua, Guatemala and Honduras all had their own Civil Wars.
And of course all these wars were financed by the United States Government. The Reagan administration didn’t even deny it. In fact they tried to scare their citizens into believing it was necessary.
Reagan even said that, “The Sandinistas are a two day march from Harlingen, Texas," implying that Nicaragua might try to invade the US… And while that’s laughable now, at the time a lot of people took him seriously.
What this country, and in particular the Reagan Administration did amounted to acts of Terrorism by every definition.
The terror they brought to Nicaragua was so blatant and repulsive that the International Court of Justice had to step in.
They found that "by training, arming, equipping, financing and supplying the Contra forces or otherwise encouraging, supporting and aiding military and paramilitary activities in and against Nicaragua," the US had committed “…acts contrary to general principles of humanitarian law.”
Terroism
The US’s laughable defense for why they were murdering civilians in Nicaragua was that they were “acting in collective self-defense of El Salvador”… Only El Salvador wasn’t asking to be defended- they weren’t at war with Nicaragua, they were at war with themselves… a war that was of course also being funded by the US.
The evidence of what the US did is indisputable and overwhelming. They destroyed an entire region… It was a war on Democracy. It was a war against the impoverished. It was an attack on people that could not defend themselves.
Many of the same people who were in power under Reagan are now back in power with Bush… I suppose what they’re doing should come as no surprise. They want to re-victimize the people who were only fleeing war and poverty… they want to make criminals of people who are only asking for basic human rights.
The lawyer looks into my eyes, he can see my frustration. I can see his as well. He was hoping to have good news for my friend, all he could offer her was a handshake…
We left the Embassy and began walking back to the car. Along the way we passed a building with an American Flag draped out the window. I stopped to look at it. The Stars and Stripes… I was brought up to believe that the flag stood for something noble… The words echoed through my head: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…”
I looked at my friend, tears were streaming down her face… I looked back at the flag…
“Odio mi país…”
My friend is staring down at her feet. I know her well enough to know that she’s trying not to let the lawyer see her tears.
I know the man wants to help, but there is nothing he can do. What’s fair, what’s just, what’s merciful, none of that matters…
I look around the building. The carpet is dirty and stained. The front desk is falling apart. The computers are at least 10 years old. There is no receptionist to be found. It’s just us and the lawyer. Anybody can walk in. There is no security. Not even a sign-in sheet.
I’ve spent time in the German Embassy, The Egyptian Embassy, and the Belgian Embassy- they didn’t look like this.
When you walk into one of those Embassies you can feel the importance of the building and the people in it. You can see the money. They can help… You can see the hope in the faces of the people waiting in the lobby.
None of that is present at the Salvadoran Embassy… It’s not that they don’t care, they just don‘t have any power or money.
It’s a poor country that was made even poorer by a devastating Civil War… The War has been over for a more than a decade, but in a way it will never end.
What was a fragile economy to begin with was completely shattered to the point that it may never recover.
My mind starts to drift off to the plight of El Salvador.
Roughly 25% of the people were forced to flee to the US to escape either becoming a direct casualty of the war (stray bullets, kidnappings, executions, mass graves), or an indirect casualty (starvation, no medical treatment).
Of the 9.5 million people that remain, 40% live below the poverty line and much of the population is under-employed… 20% cannot read.
The average household income is roughly $415 per month, but that’s a little misleading because (like every other Central American country) the upper class is making plenty of money and that bumps up the average… So really the average person makes much less than that. For example my sister-in-law is a teacher with a Master’s Degree and she only earns $150 per month… Like most of the people in the country, she wouldn’t be able to make ends meet if it wasn’t for the money sent home by family working in the US.
El Salvador’s story is by no means unique in the region… It’s no coincidence that at the same time Nicaragua, Guatemala and Honduras all had their own Civil Wars.
And of course all these wars were financed by the United States Government. The Reagan administration didn’t even deny it. In fact they tried to scare their citizens into believing it was necessary.
Reagan even said that, “The Sandinistas are a two day march from Harlingen, Texas," implying that Nicaragua might try to invade the US… And while that’s laughable now, at the time a lot of people took him seriously.
What this country, and in particular the Reagan Administration did amounted to acts of Terrorism by every definition.
The terror they brought to Nicaragua was so blatant and repulsive that the International Court of Justice had to step in.
They found that "by training, arming, equipping, financing and supplying the Contra forces or otherwise encouraging, supporting and aiding military and paramilitary activities in and against Nicaragua," the US had committed “…acts contrary to general principles of humanitarian law.”
Terroism
The US’s laughable defense for why they were murdering civilians in Nicaragua was that they were “acting in collective self-defense of El Salvador”… Only El Salvador wasn’t asking to be defended- they weren’t at war with Nicaragua, they were at war with themselves… a war that was of course also being funded by the US.
The evidence of what the US did is indisputable and overwhelming. They destroyed an entire region… It was a war on Democracy. It was a war against the impoverished. It was an attack on people that could not defend themselves.
Many of the same people who were in power under Reagan are now back in power with Bush… I suppose what they’re doing should come as no surprise. They want to re-victimize the people who were only fleeing war and poverty… they want to make criminals of people who are only asking for basic human rights.
The lawyer looks into my eyes, he can see my frustration. I can see his as well. He was hoping to have good news for my friend, all he could offer her was a handshake…
We left the Embassy and began walking back to the car. Along the way we passed a building with an American Flag draped out the window. I stopped to look at it. The Stars and Stripes… I was brought up to believe that the flag stood for something noble… The words echoed through my head: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…”
I looked at my friend, tears were streaming down her face… I looked back at the flag…
“Odio mi país…”
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
FILM VAULT TUESDAY
Some of my first readers may have at least a vague recollection of a post I made about my favorite and least favorite clients... One of the people listed on the "Least Favorite" List included one, "Ester Hernandez."
It's not that I dislike her as a person, it's just that one of her visits led to perhaps the most embarrassing moment of my professional life. So now whenever I see her, I associated her with that moment... anyway- here was how I described that moment back in October of last year:
She came into the office after I'd been working here for like 2 weeks. She kept telling me how beautiful my eyes were, how my wife should never let me go to El Salvador without her, how cute me accent was, etc... She was also leaning over and making her bra/cleavage quite visible.Normally that would make her like #1 on my Favorite customer list, except that her actions caused me to write an explicit email to Moe Greene detailing everything that happened... Only I accidentally sent the email to my boss! Gulp, I want to puke right now just thinking about it!As you can imagine it didn't go over that well.Now I can't even look at her almost totally exposed breasts without thinking of that email and wanting to hyperventilate.
Well, since that event I have had many more dealings with Ester... She still does the 'lean over to expose her boobs' thing- she still flirts (even when her husband is there with her!?!? That was an interesting visit).
Sometimes she flirts with Moe Greene as well... Sometimes she starts calling Moe insulting names in a broken English accent that is unique to Ester only... You can never tell if she is serious, joking, or insane. I think it's a mixture of all three...
You know the nervous feeling you get when you go out drinking with that one friend who gets a little too crazy? That's how I feel everytime I have to interact with Ester.
Well.... For the past few weeks, even though my Mom is neither Catholic nor Spanish speaking- she's been taking my wife to Mass in Spanish... Well on Sunday my wife badgered me into tagging along.
Everything went fairly well. I didn't burst into flames when I crossed the threshold so that was a relief... I have never been to a Catholic service in my life so I was a little surprised at how quickly it went.
I hardly even had a chance to be bored and all of a sudden it was over... (Plus one of the guys who spoke was from Spain and had the Castilian accent going, so that was entertaining)
Overall it was not nearly as bad an experience as I thought it would be. In fact, if I was going to be any religion I'd go with Catholic... Not only is it a quick service but I've always had a fascination with the whole confession thing (do people really come clean in that booth?!)
Anyway, as I was saying, everything went well and then when we walk out of the Church who do we run into? Ester!!!
I tried to avoid eye contact, but a 6 foot tall, fat, white guy in a crowd of Central Americans tends to stand out... Before I could even come up with a game plan Ester walked over and started talking to me... I was forced to introduce her to my wife.
I don't know if I can accurately express the fear I had as these two women spoke... Ester is crazy, my wife is jealous- it had disaster written all over it.
Yet somehow the whole thing went okay. Ester managed to transform herself into a normal human being and my wife didn't ask too many questions... I won't say that it was divine intervention, but at the very least there was some good karma involved... I may even go again next week.
FILM VAULT TUESDAY
Title: The Messenger (1999)
Cast: Milla Jovovich, Dustin Hoffman, John Malkovich, Faye Dunaway
Why: Based on the fact that I went to Church on Sunday, I'm keeping with the religion theme and using "The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc"
The movie has flaws... It drags at times- and it's just too long. It runs about 2 and half hours- which is just too long for a good but not great movie...
Despite that, it's still a very powerful film... Jovovich gives a gutsy performance as Joan... Dustin Hoffman also does a great job playing um... God... I can't imagine that's easy to pull off. He's one of the few actors who could do that... In fact here's my short list of people who could play God in a serious movie: Dustin Hoffman, Me, Ashley Judd, and of course David Hasselhoff.
Remote Stopper Scene: The back and forth discusion between Jovovich and Hoffman is a truly classic scene... It features Joan trying to explain to God her thinking on that whole "lead my country to war in the name of God" thing... with the added factor that you don't know if Joan is crazy or really actually talking to God.
It's got a Last Temptation of Christ feel to it where it's left open to the viewers interpritation.
Goosebump/Tear Factor: I don't think I got teary at any points, but the British soldiers showing up in her town lef me naucious
Overall Rating: 7.5/10... Like I said, the movie has some parts that drag. I can never decide if that's because I just can't wait until the Dustin Hoffman scene so I get antsy, or if parts of the movie were just boring... Regardless, it's still a good movie if you can make the 2.5 hour commitment.
It's not that I dislike her as a person, it's just that one of her visits led to perhaps the most embarrassing moment of my professional life. So now whenever I see her, I associated her with that moment... anyway- here was how I described that moment back in October of last year:
She came into the office after I'd been working here for like 2 weeks. She kept telling me how beautiful my eyes were, how my wife should never let me go to El Salvador without her, how cute me accent was, etc... She was also leaning over and making her bra/cleavage quite visible.Normally that would make her like #1 on my Favorite customer list, except that her actions caused me to write an explicit email to Moe Greene detailing everything that happened... Only I accidentally sent the email to my boss! Gulp, I want to puke right now just thinking about it!As you can imagine it didn't go over that well.Now I can't even look at her almost totally exposed breasts without thinking of that email and wanting to hyperventilate.
Well, since that event I have had many more dealings with Ester... She still does the 'lean over to expose her boobs' thing- she still flirts (even when her husband is there with her!?!? That was an interesting visit).
Sometimes she flirts with Moe Greene as well... Sometimes she starts calling Moe insulting names in a broken English accent that is unique to Ester only... You can never tell if she is serious, joking, or insane. I think it's a mixture of all three...
You know the nervous feeling you get when you go out drinking with that one friend who gets a little too crazy? That's how I feel everytime I have to interact with Ester.
Well.... For the past few weeks, even though my Mom is neither Catholic nor Spanish speaking- she's been taking my wife to Mass in Spanish... Well on Sunday my wife badgered me into tagging along.
Everything went fairly well. I didn't burst into flames when I crossed the threshold so that was a relief... I have never been to a Catholic service in my life so I was a little surprised at how quickly it went.
I hardly even had a chance to be bored and all of a sudden it was over... (Plus one of the guys who spoke was from Spain and had the Castilian accent going, so that was entertaining)
Overall it was not nearly as bad an experience as I thought it would be. In fact, if I was going to be any religion I'd go with Catholic... Not only is it a quick service but I've always had a fascination with the whole confession thing (do people really come clean in that booth?!)
Anyway, as I was saying, everything went well and then when we walk out of the Church who do we run into? Ester!!!
I tried to avoid eye contact, but a 6 foot tall, fat, white guy in a crowd of Central Americans tends to stand out... Before I could even come up with a game plan Ester walked over and started talking to me... I was forced to introduce her to my wife.
I don't know if I can accurately express the fear I had as these two women spoke... Ester is crazy, my wife is jealous- it had disaster written all over it.
Yet somehow the whole thing went okay. Ester managed to transform herself into a normal human being and my wife didn't ask too many questions... I won't say that it was divine intervention, but at the very least there was some good karma involved... I may even go again next week.
FILM VAULT TUESDAY
Title: The Messenger (1999)Cast: Milla Jovovich, Dustin Hoffman, John Malkovich, Faye Dunaway
Why: Based on the fact that I went to Church on Sunday, I'm keeping with the religion theme and using "The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc"
The movie has flaws... It drags at times- and it's just too long. It runs about 2 and half hours- which is just too long for a good but not great movie...
Despite that, it's still a very powerful film... Jovovich gives a gutsy performance as Joan... Dustin Hoffman also does a great job playing um... God... I can't imagine that's easy to pull off. He's one of the few actors who could do that... In fact here's my short list of people who could play God in a serious movie: Dustin Hoffman, Me, Ashley Judd, and of course David Hasselhoff.
Remote Stopper Scene: The back and forth discusion between Jovovich and Hoffman is a truly classic scene... It features Joan trying to explain to God her thinking on that whole "lead my country to war in the name of God" thing... with the added factor that you don't know if Joan is crazy or really actually talking to God.
It's got a Last Temptation of Christ feel to it where it's left open to the viewers interpritation.
Goosebump/Tear Factor: I don't think I got teary at any points, but the British soldiers showing up in her town lef me naucious
Overall Rating: 7.5/10... Like I said, the movie has some parts that drag. I can never decide if that's because I just can't wait until the Dustin Hoffman scene so I get antsy, or if parts of the movie were just boring... Regardless, it's still a good movie if you can make the 2.5 hour commitment.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
THE LAST SUPPER
We're coming at you LIVE from an anonymous Insurance Agency located on the outskirts of the DC suburbs.
I'm sitting at a desk across from the infamous McDonald's addict himself Moe Greene... My recent post exposing Moe's "habit" has served as an intervention of sorts, and it's been decided that he needs to get his eating under control.
But, like any addict about to go to rehab he needs to go on one last bender... He needs one last dance... One last gasp... One last grope before the lights come on and everyone is ushered home to sleep it off.
And of course anything worth doing is worth doing right... Being the supportive friend that I am I've decided to exploit Moe's situation by being a witness and enabler in his final act of bliss and gluttony.
The Challenge: Moe will be attempting to take down 30 (that's right THIRTY!) crispy, greasy, artery clogging McNuggets!
That's processed chicken- dipped in batter, dropped in a deep fryer, covered in salt, and finally delivered right into Moe Greene's gut!
But wait there's more! We've also got a large order of under-cooked and over salted French fries... The nuggets will be washed down with a large coke that could be more aptly described as a Bucket of Coke!
This blog and of course Moe's body may never be the same... It's been suggested by some that he could save himself a lot of trouble by skipping the middle part of this process and just dropping the nuggets directly into the toilet... but what fun would that be?! Not even a literary genius such as myself could make that into an interesting blog post.
If I were an odds maker, I would describe the odds of him finishing the meal at 3-1, he's got a good shot but will most likely fall short...
The odds of him having a medical emergency are 40-1, not likely- but certainly not impossible.
In fact I wish I had posted these odds yesterday so I could take bets... Are you telling me you wouldn't be tempted to throw $5 down on Moe having a heart attack at 40-1 odds?!? That's a $200 pay off... These are the kind of things you could bet on if I was ever in charge of a Las Vegas Casino, but I digress.
Just a little background before we get started:
Moe weighed in for this afternoon's event at 6 feet tall, 206 pounds- 36 inch waist...
Up until yesterday the plan was for Moe to eat only the 30 nuggets washed down with water... But he must have woken up feeling ambitious today because he requested the Coke and Fries as well. Against my better judgment I went ahead and bought them...
A few other questions to get out of the way before this goes down... NO, I don't think he'll get down all 30 nuggets, my prediction is 27, I think the fires will keep him from reaching the finish line...
YES, I'm eating as well- but I'm going "light" with a Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese extra value meal...
and NO, I haven't had any CPR training since 9th Grade Health Class...
Now that we have all that out of the way, it's Showtime!
[Insert Drum Roll]
McNUGGETS 1-10: Moe downs the first 10 nuggets with leisure... I ask him how he feels; "Hungry" is his response. He looks confident, a little cocky even.
McNUGGETS 11-15: Moe says he feels "fine", but his fry box is still 3/4 full... I still don't think he can do it.
As a side note, the meal he's eating actually makes my Double Quarter Pounder look healthy, and I doubt the adjective "healthy" as ever been used in conjunction with that sandwich before... we're breaking all sorts of new ground here today.
McNUGGETS 15-20: He reached the 20 nugget mark much sooner than I had anticipated... "It's actually quite manageable for me," he continues "but I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing."
I would say it's good for the blog, bad for his health... At least we've got our priorities straight.
McNUGGET 22: After downing nugget 22 Moe decides to go back to the fries for a while... For the record, we're down to 8 nuggets, a half box of fries, and his Coke is just about gone.
McNUGGET 25: Moe's thoughts: "I feel fine... a little full but I usually eat way past 'a little full' anyway."
McNUGGET 28: He seemed to slow down a bit getting to Nugget 28 but he says getting to 30 will be no problem... I have drastically underestimated the elasticity of his gut.
McNUGGETS 29/30: He downs the final two nuggets before I even realize what happened... I was hoping to make a little ceremony for downing the 30th nugget but I guess we won't be able to do that...
"I feel full, very full- but not sick or anything... I still have a half box of fries," he tells me and our receptionist Pat... Pat sums it up the best when she lets out a stunned and disgusted, "Oh my God!"
He ended up leaving a couple of fries in the box, but he wants everyone to know that it was because they're cold, not because he couldn't finish them... I think I may even believe him.
Final Tally:
30 Nuggets, 1 Very Large Coke, and almost an entire Large order of Fries.
According to Moe's calculation (using the McDonald's website) he took in 1760 calories... 94 grams of fat... and 79 grams of protein...
I'm not sure what all that really means so Moe sums it up for me- "It's really bad, but I probably won't die."
My Final Thoughts: I'm thankful we were able to pull the whole meal off without Moe dying... I'm also glad to know that this was his "Grand Finale" for fast food eating. Vamos a ver.
I once saw an HBO documentary that followed heroin addicts for a year... At one point the main character said he had recently tried to kill himself by shooting up an absurd amount of heroin... Enough heroin to kill an Elephant... Only the dose didn't kill him, it just got him really high. he was a little upset at his failure but what really bothered him was the knowledge that his habit was SO out of control that he could actually shoot that much heroin and NOT die.
That's how I feel right now... Moe should be doubled over on the floor with stomach pains right now, instead he looks hardly phased.
Moe's Final Thoughts: "I'm going to want something sweet later on... Will you go to Dairy Queen to get us Oreo Blizzards if I pay?"
He wasn't joking.
I'm sitting at a desk across from the infamous McDonald's addict himself Moe Greene... My recent post exposing Moe's "habit" has served as an intervention of sorts, and it's been decided that he needs to get his eating under control.
But, like any addict about to go to rehab he needs to go on one last bender... He needs one last dance... One last gasp... One last grope before the lights come on and everyone is ushered home to sleep it off.
And of course anything worth doing is worth doing right... Being the supportive friend that I am I've decided to exploit Moe's situation by being a witness and enabler in his final act of bliss and gluttony.
The Challenge: Moe will be attempting to take down 30 (that's right THIRTY!) crispy, greasy, artery clogging McNuggets!
That's processed chicken- dipped in batter, dropped in a deep fryer, covered in salt, and finally delivered right into Moe Greene's gut!
But wait there's more! We've also got a large order of under-cooked and over salted French fries... The nuggets will be washed down with a large coke that could be more aptly described as a Bucket of Coke!
This blog and of course Moe's body may never be the same... It's been suggested by some that he could save himself a lot of trouble by skipping the middle part of this process and just dropping the nuggets directly into the toilet... but what fun would that be?! Not even a literary genius such as myself could make that into an interesting blog post.
If I were an odds maker, I would describe the odds of him finishing the meal at 3-1, he's got a good shot but will most likely fall short...
The odds of him having a medical emergency are 40-1, not likely- but certainly not impossible.
In fact I wish I had posted these odds yesterday so I could take bets... Are you telling me you wouldn't be tempted to throw $5 down on Moe having a heart attack at 40-1 odds?!? That's a $200 pay off... These are the kind of things you could bet on if I was ever in charge of a Las Vegas Casino, but I digress.Just a little background before we get started:
Moe weighed in for this afternoon's event at 6 feet tall, 206 pounds- 36 inch waist...
Up until yesterday the plan was for Moe to eat only the 30 nuggets washed down with water... But he must have woken up feeling ambitious today because he requested the Coke and Fries as well. Against my better judgment I went ahead and bought them...
A few other questions to get out of the way before this goes down... NO, I don't think he'll get down all 30 nuggets, my prediction is 27, I think the fires will keep him from reaching the finish line...
YES, I'm eating as well- but I'm going "light" with a Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese extra value meal...
and NO, I haven't had any CPR training since 9th Grade Health Class...
Now that we have all that out of the way, it's Showtime!
[Insert Drum Roll]
McNUGGETS 1-10: Moe downs the first 10 nuggets with leisure... I ask him how he feels; "Hungry" is his response. He looks confident, a little cocky even.
McNUGGETS 11-15: Moe says he feels "fine", but his fry box is still 3/4 full... I still don't think he can do it.
As a side note, the meal he's eating actually makes my Double Quarter Pounder look healthy, and I doubt the adjective "healthy" as ever been used in conjunction with that sandwich before... we're breaking all sorts of new ground here today.
McNUGGETS 15-20: He reached the 20 nugget mark much sooner than I had anticipated... "It's actually quite manageable for me," he continues "but I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing."
I would say it's good for the blog, bad for his health... At least we've got our priorities straight.
McNUGGET 22: After downing nugget 22 Moe decides to go back to the fries for a while... For the record, we're down to 8 nuggets, a half box of fries, and his Coke is just about gone.
McNUGGET 25: Moe's thoughts: "I feel fine... a little full but I usually eat way past 'a little full' anyway."
McNUGGET 28: He seemed to slow down a bit getting to Nugget 28 but he says getting to 30 will be no problem... I have drastically underestimated the elasticity of his gut.
McNUGGETS 29/30: He downs the final two nuggets before I even realize what happened... I was hoping to make a little ceremony for downing the 30th nugget but I guess we won't be able to do that...
"I feel full, very full- but not sick or anything... I still have a half box of fries," he tells me and our receptionist Pat... Pat sums it up the best when she lets out a stunned and disgusted, "Oh my God!"
He ended up leaving a couple of fries in the box, but he wants everyone to know that it was because they're cold, not because he couldn't finish them... I think I may even believe him.
Final Tally:
30 Nuggets, 1 Very Large Coke, and almost an entire Large order of Fries.
According to Moe's calculation (using the McDonald's website) he took in 1760 calories... 94 grams of fat... and 79 grams of protein...
I'm not sure what all that really means so Moe sums it up for me- "It's really bad, but I probably won't die."
My Final Thoughts: I'm thankful we were able to pull the whole meal off without Moe dying... I'm also glad to know that this was his "Grand Finale" for fast food eating. Vamos a ver.
I once saw an HBO documentary that followed heroin addicts for a year... At one point the main character said he had recently tried to kill himself by shooting up an absurd amount of heroin... Enough heroin to kill an Elephant... Only the dose didn't kill him, it just got him really high. he was a little upset at his failure but what really bothered him was the knowledge that his habit was SO out of control that he could actually shoot that much heroin and NOT die.
That's how I feel right now... Moe should be doubled over on the floor with stomach pains right now, instead he looks hardly phased.
Moe's Final Thoughts: "I'm going to want something sweet later on... Will you go to Dairy Queen to get us Oreo Blizzards if I pay?"
He wasn't joking.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Film Vault Tuesday (Week 10)
So, last week I was doing some shopping in a well known drugstore... when I was walking back to my car I was approached by a crack head holding a still in the box MP3 player. I took a closer look at the box, it hadn't been tampered with and had clearly just been stolen from the drugstore. I had never heard of the generic brand name on the package.
I've been thinking about getting an MP3 player for a while now... Santiago even wrote an MP3 player review to help me decide.
I came to the conclusion that I just wouldn't use one enough to justify the cost of a decent player... At the same time- even the crappy ones go in the $75 range. And who wants to spend that much on something that might not work?
So when this crackhead approached me and was willing to sell this crappy MP3 player for just $20, I couldn't say no... Well actually he wanted $40 but I talked him down to $20.
Anyway, I took my generic MP3 player back to the office to show Moe Greene... his prediction- "it'll be good enough to make you want a better one within a month."
I argued that the small memory and crappy display wouldn't bother me because I'd hardly use the thing anyway... deep down, I knew he was right.
And he was... sort of.
It did make me want to buy a better one, but it didn't take a month, or a week, or even 24 hours. We ended up making a trip to Best Buy that night where I dropped $160 on a fancy one with a color display and double the memory of the crappy one.
As we were walking back to Moe's car, a funny thought occurred to me... For the last 4 years I had resisted the urge to buy an MP3 player, and now I'd bought 2 in the span of 8 hours.
FILM VAULT TUESDAY
Title: Crooklyn (1994)
Cast: Delroy Lindo, Alfre Woodard, Zelda Harris
Why: Well in honor of the fact that I'm going to see Spike Lee's new movie "Inside Man" this Friday, I thought I'd honor my favorite director by pimping out one of his more underrated movies...
It's semi-autobiographical tale based in 1970's Brooklyn... It follows the Carmichael family as seen through the eyes of their youngest daughter Troy (Zelda Harris).
Delroy Lindo turns in a remarkable performance as Woody, a father struggling to find success as a musician while at the same time trying to provide for his family... Alfre Woodard turns in a solid performance as Woody's wife- a school teacher and mother doing her best to hold the family together.
Remote Stopper Scene: Towards the end of the movie, Troy, the little girl wakes up from a nightmare and Delroy Lindo comforts her... I know that's a really vague description but I can't really go into anymore detail without giving plot twists away... Let's just say it's a very powerful scene.
Goosebump/Tear Factor: I'm a complete mess for the last 20 minutes of the movie.
Overall Rating: Like most Spike Lee films, it has a very quirky and unique style that tends to polarize people... And that's not even factoring in the issue of Spike's politics.
Much of White America completely write off his movies as soon as they here his name involved... Which is very unfortunate because not only is he a brilliant film maker, but his political views are usually greatly misconstrued.
As far as Crooklyn is concerned, I'd put it somewhere between a 7.5 and an 8... The lead actors are great, but some of the supporting cast are out of their league. But it's still an excellent movie.
I've been thinking about getting an MP3 player for a while now... Santiago even wrote an MP3 player review to help me decide.
I came to the conclusion that I just wouldn't use one enough to justify the cost of a decent player... At the same time- even the crappy ones go in the $75 range. And who wants to spend that much on something that might not work?
So when this crackhead approached me and was willing to sell this crappy MP3 player for just $20, I couldn't say no... Well actually he wanted $40 but I talked him down to $20.
Anyway, I took my generic MP3 player back to the office to show Moe Greene... his prediction- "it'll be good enough to make you want a better one within a month."
I argued that the small memory and crappy display wouldn't bother me because I'd hardly use the thing anyway... deep down, I knew he was right.
And he was... sort of.
It did make me want to buy a better one, but it didn't take a month, or a week, or even 24 hours. We ended up making a trip to Best Buy that night where I dropped $160 on a fancy one with a color display and double the memory of the crappy one.
As we were walking back to Moe's car, a funny thought occurred to me... For the last 4 years I had resisted the urge to buy an MP3 player, and now I'd bought 2 in the span of 8 hours.
FILM VAULT TUESDAY
Title: Crooklyn (1994)Cast: Delroy Lindo, Alfre Woodard, Zelda Harris
Why: Well in honor of the fact that I'm going to see Spike Lee's new movie "Inside Man" this Friday, I thought I'd honor my favorite director by pimping out one of his more underrated movies...
It's semi-autobiographical tale based in 1970's Brooklyn... It follows the Carmichael family as seen through the eyes of their youngest daughter Troy (Zelda Harris).
Delroy Lindo turns in a remarkable performance as Woody, a father struggling to find success as a musician while at the same time trying to provide for his family... Alfre Woodard turns in a solid performance as Woody's wife- a school teacher and mother doing her best to hold the family together.
Remote Stopper Scene: Towards the end of the movie, Troy, the little girl wakes up from a nightmare and Delroy Lindo comforts her... I know that's a really vague description but I can't really go into anymore detail without giving plot twists away... Let's just say it's a very powerful scene.
Goosebump/Tear Factor: I'm a complete mess for the last 20 minutes of the movie.
Overall Rating: Like most Spike Lee films, it has a very quirky and unique style that tends to polarize people... And that's not even factoring in the issue of Spike's politics.
Much of White America completely write off his movies as soon as they here his name involved... Which is very unfortunate because not only is he a brilliant film maker, but his political views are usually greatly misconstrued.
As far as Crooklyn is concerned, I'd put it somewhere between a 7.5 and an 8... The lead actors are great, but some of the supporting cast are out of their league. But it's still an excellent movie.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Drafting I
I went through a couple of really low periods during High School… Grade 10 in particular was a really bad year.
I skipped a lot of school. When I did attend class I didn’t really participate. I smoked a lot of weed. I stole my parents car and went “missing”. I used my Ritalin prescription to make a mild form of speed that I then sold to a preppy kids for way too much money… In general I was a punk, a knucklehead, an idiot... whatever word you can come up with to describe a stupid teenager, that was me.
My second semester of school that year in particular was a real abortion.
One of my more memorable classes was Drafting. The teacher was named Mr. F… he had been teaching at the school for over 30 years. He had seen a lot of drastic changes during his tenure, many in the 10 years leading up to my arrival at the school.
The student body had gone from almost all upper-middle class to an eclectic mix of kids from all races and economic classes.
When I was going there I would say it was 30% Inner City Ghetto kids, 40% white trash, 20% rich kids, and then a random 10% group of immigrant kids who had just started to arrive in our area from Central America.
The part of the city I grew up in is now being gentrified and the school is back to being upper-middle class… but at the time I was there, it was a mad house. And especially in Mr. F’s class.
Mr. F just didn’t seem to have the energy or desire to handle a class room… he was a pretty decent guy, just running out of steam. If you needed his help, he was there for you, but he couldn’t go out of his way to help every kid that needed guidance.
I think he had given a lot of time and effort in the past to kids who went on to later break his heart... at least that's my theory.
Each Monday he would give our class an assignment, and that was it. If you wanted to do the assignment, great… If not, whatever.
He let us sit wherever we wanted. We could talk as much as we wanted. We could listen to our headphones. We could eat or drink in class… he didn‘t care. The unwritten rule was basically, “Don’t do anything blatantly wrong" and he’d leave you alone.
The were two entrances to his classroom. One of the entrances was located right next to the supply shelves and was not visible from Mr. F’s desk.
If a kid was so inclined, he could pretend to be going to get something off the shelf and just walk out of class… There were so much commotion in the room that it was pretty easy to get away with.
Another trick for the less daring student was to ask Mr F for a bathroom pass and then just not coming back for 40 minutes. He usually didn’t notice.
Since this class took place while the first lunch shift was going on, kids were always looking to get out of class and visit their friends.
My girlfriend had the first lunch shift… Moe Greene had the first lunch shift… I wanted to be on the first lunch shift.
I used the 'bathroom' and the 'sneak out' trick all the time. But I also had another trick up my sleeve… Because I was such a fucked up kid, I qualified for what is know as a “Crisis Pass.”
This little piece of yellow laminated paper meant that any time I thought I might stab someone with a #2 pencil, I could whip out my little pass and the teacher had to let me leave… They were supposed to verify that I had indeed actually gone to the Guidance Office later on, but most teachers did not. As you can probably imagine, Mr. F was not the type of teacher that checked.
So I managed to make an appearance at first lunch shift almost everyday… In fact, most kids actually thought I was on the first lunch shift.
Whenever I used the Crisis Pass on Mr. F he would just say, “okay…” and that was it. He never even looked up from whatever he was working on. I could never figure out if he just didn’t care or if it made him uncomfortable to know that I was having a crisis.
One day towards the end of the year I went up to his desk with the intention of going to see my friends during first lunch shift… I had been sneaking out with bathroom passes all week and had somehow managed to actually get caught once. So I decided on this particular day to use my Crisis Pass.
I walked up to his desk. He didn’t look up.
“I need to go to the Guidance Office,” I told him.
“What’s today’s date?” He asked me.
I assumed that he wanted the date so that he could write me a hall pass…
“I don’t need a hall pass,” I tried explaining as I took out my laminated yellow paper.
“What’s the date?” he repeated.
He still hadn’t looked up from the papers he was grading, despite the fact that I was clearly trying to show him my pass.
“May 7th,” I replied- not hiding the fact that I was annoyed.
“What year?”
At this point I thought he was possibly entering the early stages of senility right in front of my eyes… “Mr. F, I know you’re getting old, but if you don’t know what year it is-”
He cut me off.. “Just humor me.”
“Okay… 1996...” I responded. I was very confused at the direction this conversation was going, and I cursed myself for not sneaking out of class instead.
Then Mr. F looked up from his desk and directly into my eyes…“Son, do you remember what was bothering you on May 7th 1995?”
“No…” I cautiously answered. It felt like a trick question.
“How about 1994?”
“No,” I laughed.
“Okay then. I’m going to let you go to the Guidance Counselor but I want you to think about the little talk we‘ve had here.”
Of course I didn’t go to the Counselor, I went to see my friends… But I did think about his question. I still do… I guess his point was, a year from now I would have long since forgotten whatever issues or problems I was dealing with.
Of course that’s not always true, but it usually, it is... Especially at that age… For the most part, there are few problems that can arise in a 16 year old boy’s life that can’t be fixed.
And even though I was lying on that particular day about having a crisis, I had been given the Crisis Pass for a reason… I was, and still am the kind of person who let’s a manageable problem bother me to the point that I become overwhelmed.
I’m not saying that Mr. F’s advice changed my life or “saved” me, but what he told me that day has stayed with me all this time.
At the end of the school year when report cards got mailed home, I knew I had failed every class except English… but for whatever reason I took a look at it anyway. As I made my way down the paper, something jumped out at me. When I got to Mr. F’s class, it read as follows:
Drafting I: First Term- F, Second Term- D, Final Grade- D.
I had passed the class, with a D, but it was still a passing grade… I had only completed one assignment the whole year, it was in the first week of class, and I had copied it from someone else.
I doubt Mr. F remembers that talk. I’m positive he doesn’t my name. But, in a 2 minute talk he probably doesn’t even remember, he gave me one the most valuable lessons I learned in 4 years of High School.
So where ever you are- Thanks Mr. F…
I skipped a lot of school. When I did attend class I didn’t really participate. I smoked a lot of weed. I stole my parents car and went “missing”. I used my Ritalin prescription to make a mild form of speed that I then sold to a preppy kids for way too much money… In general I was a punk, a knucklehead, an idiot... whatever word you can come up with to describe a stupid teenager, that was me.
My second semester of school that year in particular was a real abortion.
One of my more memorable classes was Drafting. The teacher was named Mr. F… he had been teaching at the school for over 30 years. He had seen a lot of drastic changes during his tenure, many in the 10 years leading up to my arrival at the school.
The student body had gone from almost all upper-middle class to an eclectic mix of kids from all races and economic classes.
When I was going there I would say it was 30% Inner City Ghetto kids, 40% white trash, 20% rich kids, and then a random 10% group of immigrant kids who had just started to arrive in our area from Central America.
The part of the city I grew up in is now being gentrified and the school is back to being upper-middle class… but at the time I was there, it was a mad house. And especially in Mr. F’s class.
Mr. F just didn’t seem to have the energy or desire to handle a class room… he was a pretty decent guy, just running out of steam. If you needed his help, he was there for you, but he couldn’t go out of his way to help every kid that needed guidance.
I think he had given a lot of time and effort in the past to kids who went on to later break his heart... at least that's my theory.
Each Monday he would give our class an assignment, and that was it. If you wanted to do the assignment, great… If not, whatever.
He let us sit wherever we wanted. We could talk as much as we wanted. We could listen to our headphones. We could eat or drink in class… he didn‘t care. The unwritten rule was basically, “Don’t do anything blatantly wrong" and he’d leave you alone.
The were two entrances to his classroom. One of the entrances was located right next to the supply shelves and was not visible from Mr. F’s desk.
If a kid was so inclined, he could pretend to be going to get something off the shelf and just walk out of class… There were so much commotion in the room that it was pretty easy to get away with.
Another trick for the less daring student was to ask Mr F for a bathroom pass and then just not coming back for 40 minutes. He usually didn’t notice.
Since this class took place while the first lunch shift was going on, kids were always looking to get out of class and visit their friends.
My girlfriend had the first lunch shift… Moe Greene had the first lunch shift… I wanted to be on the first lunch shift.
I used the 'bathroom' and the 'sneak out' trick all the time. But I also had another trick up my sleeve… Because I was such a fucked up kid, I qualified for what is know as a “Crisis Pass.”
This little piece of yellow laminated paper meant that any time I thought I might stab someone with a #2 pencil, I could whip out my little pass and the teacher had to let me leave… They were supposed to verify that I had indeed actually gone to the Guidance Office later on, but most teachers did not. As you can probably imagine, Mr. F was not the type of teacher that checked.
So I managed to make an appearance at first lunch shift almost everyday… In fact, most kids actually thought I was on the first lunch shift.
Whenever I used the Crisis Pass on Mr. F he would just say, “okay…” and that was it. He never even looked up from whatever he was working on. I could never figure out if he just didn’t care or if it made him uncomfortable to know that I was having a crisis.
One day towards the end of the year I went up to his desk with the intention of going to see my friends during first lunch shift… I had been sneaking out with bathroom passes all week and had somehow managed to actually get caught once. So I decided on this particular day to use my Crisis Pass.
I walked up to his desk. He didn’t look up.
“I need to go to the Guidance Office,” I told him.
“What’s today’s date?” He asked me.
I assumed that he wanted the date so that he could write me a hall pass…
“I don’t need a hall pass,” I tried explaining as I took out my laminated yellow paper.
“What’s the date?” he repeated.
He still hadn’t looked up from the papers he was grading, despite the fact that I was clearly trying to show him my pass.
“May 7th,” I replied- not hiding the fact that I was annoyed.
“What year?”
At this point I thought he was possibly entering the early stages of senility right in front of my eyes… “Mr. F, I know you’re getting old, but if you don’t know what year it is-”
He cut me off.. “Just humor me.”
“Okay… 1996...” I responded. I was very confused at the direction this conversation was going, and I cursed myself for not sneaking out of class instead.
Then Mr. F looked up from his desk and directly into my eyes…“Son, do you remember what was bothering you on May 7th 1995?”
“No…” I cautiously answered. It felt like a trick question.
“How about 1994?”
“No,” I laughed.
“Okay then. I’m going to let you go to the Guidance Counselor but I want you to think about the little talk we‘ve had here.”
Of course I didn’t go to the Counselor, I went to see my friends… But I did think about his question. I still do… I guess his point was, a year from now I would have long since forgotten whatever issues or problems I was dealing with.
Of course that’s not always true, but it usually, it is... Especially at that age… For the most part, there are few problems that can arise in a 16 year old boy’s life that can’t be fixed.
And even though I was lying on that particular day about having a crisis, I had been given the Crisis Pass for a reason… I was, and still am the kind of person who let’s a manageable problem bother me to the point that I become overwhelmed.
I’m not saying that Mr. F’s advice changed my life or “saved” me, but what he told me that day has stayed with me all this time.
At the end of the school year when report cards got mailed home, I knew I had failed every class except English… but for whatever reason I took a look at it anyway. As I made my way down the paper, something jumped out at me. When I got to Mr. F’s class, it read as follows:
Drafting I: First Term- F, Second Term- D, Final Grade- D.
I had passed the class, with a D, but it was still a passing grade… I had only completed one assignment the whole year, it was in the first week of class, and I had copied it from someone else.
I doubt Mr. F remembers that talk. I’m positive he doesn’t my name. But, in a 2 minute talk he probably doesn’t even remember, he gave me one the most valuable lessons I learned in 4 years of High School.
So where ever you are- Thanks Mr. F…
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
FILM VAULT TUESDAY (Week 9)
Here is something that nobody warned me about when I decided to get married: Having to negotiate with your wife so that you can be allowed to spend your own money.
I had no idea that would happen… It’s not that I’m NOT allowed to spend my money, I just get a bunch of shit if I spend it on something she doesn’t deem worth while… Stuff like video games, Cds, DVDs, Fantasy Baseball, Sports Jerseys, you know- the only kind of things I want to spend my money on.
I mentioned in my last post about the bonus I received in my check on Friday… Well I “forgot” to mention that to my wife.
Now, after watching college basketball all weekend I decided that I HAVE to buy the new College Basketball game that came out last week. I had previously decided not to buy it, but now I NEED to buy it.
I also realized that when I buy it, I’m going to be subjected to 20 minutes of, “how are we ever going to save up for a house if you keep spending money on video games!”
So I decided to pull a play out of the George (the anti-Christ) Bush playbook and make a “pre-emptive” strike… I called up my wife and told her about the bonus. Then, in an effort to make it sound like I was being frugal, I told her- “Oh I decided that I’d only buy one a video game and then I’m putting the rest in the bank... I mean, we have to save some money if we‘re ever going to buy a house…”
I even offered to buy her this pair of sandals she’s had her eye on… Of course what she doesn’t realize is that I was going to put the entire bonus in the bank anyway, and she was never going to know about it… I had no idea I’d have to play these kinds of games once I was married- but I’ve learned to adapt… Was it a dirty trick I played? Damn right it was… But in this case the ends justify the means. I’ll be playing my game tonight in peace.
Here is this week’s Film Vault Tuesday:
Title: Great Expectations (1998)
Credits: Ethan Hawke, Gwyneth Paltrow, Robert De Niro, Chris Cooper, Anne Bancroft
Why: Let me preface my review by saying I own 3 copies of the Dickens novel… Depending on what day you ask me, it’s either my favorite book or at least in my top 3. A lot of people that love the book have ripped this movie, but I’m not one of them.
I suppose you could argue that they shouldn’t have tried to make a bunch of changes to a classic book, but you‘d be wrong… The straight forward movie version of the book has been done several times and frankly- they all sucked.
Mainstream Hollywood puts out the same cookie cutter movies year after year. Sequels to crap… Safe movies over and over again…
Taking a book like Great Expectations and changing so much is as ambitious as it is original… That’s what makes movies fun.
And why make a Great Expectations movie if you’re not going to put your own spin on it?
I feel the same way about cover songs… Why cover a great song and try to make it sound like the original? For example, Aerosmith once did a revolting cover the Beatles “Come Together” and they tried to make it sound like the original version… Did they really think that they could make it sound better than the Beatles did? Assholes.
The important part was capturing the spirit and essence of Dickens’ novel, and I feel that they did that.
The Director (Alfonso Cuarón- Y tu Mama Tambien) did an excellent job of making it all work… I’m not big on Gwyneth Paltrow but she was memorable in her role as Estella… and even though Ethan Hawke isn’t spectacular, he doesn’t fuck anything up either…
The real strength of the movie comes in the supporting roles which were absolutely nailed… De Niro’s screen time is very limited, but as expected he makes every second last… Also Anne Bancroft and Chris Cooper really shine.
The soundtrack is really strong and full of energy. There are a couple of scenes where it drives the movie.
Remote Stopper Scene: Obviously the scene everyone remembers is the De Niro in New York scene… but my personal favorite is a Chris Cooper scene about halfway through the movie. He plays Finn’s Uncle/Guardian Joe… When Finn finally gets his big break with a one man show at a SoHo art gallery, Joe makes a surprise appearance… Much like the Phillip Seymour Hoffman “Can I kiss you on the mouth” scene in Boogey Nights- Copper manages to make you feel several emotions all at once within the span of seconds.
Goosebump/Tear Factor: The above mentioned Cooper Scene makes the room get dusty… as well as the final scene, and the De Niro train scene.
Overall Rating: 8/10... I never understood why critics piled onto this movie with such anger… it has it’s flaws, it’s almost too ambitious, and it has some dead spots. But I fail to see how a movie that is SO well acted could be considered anything less than an 8.
I had no idea that would happen… It’s not that I’m NOT allowed to spend my money, I just get a bunch of shit if I spend it on something she doesn’t deem worth while… Stuff like video games, Cds, DVDs, Fantasy Baseball, Sports Jerseys, you know- the only kind of things I want to spend my money on.
I mentioned in my last post about the bonus I received in my check on Friday… Well I “forgot” to mention that to my wife.
Now, after watching college basketball all weekend I decided that I HAVE to buy the new College Basketball game that came out last week. I had previously decided not to buy it, but now I NEED to buy it.
I also realized that when I buy it, I’m going to be subjected to 20 minutes of, “how are we ever going to save up for a house if you keep spending money on video games!”
So I decided to pull a play out of the George (the anti-Christ) Bush playbook and make a “pre-emptive” strike… I called up my wife and told her about the bonus. Then, in an effort to make it sound like I was being frugal, I told her- “Oh I decided that I’d only buy one a video game and then I’m putting the rest in the bank... I mean, we have to save some money if we‘re ever going to buy a house…”
I even offered to buy her this pair of sandals she’s had her eye on… Of course what she doesn’t realize is that I was going to put the entire bonus in the bank anyway, and she was never going to know about it… I had no idea I’d have to play these kinds of games once I was married- but I’ve learned to adapt… Was it a dirty trick I played? Damn right it was… But in this case the ends justify the means. I’ll be playing my game tonight in peace.
Here is this week’s Film Vault Tuesday:
Title: Great Expectations (1998)Credits: Ethan Hawke, Gwyneth Paltrow, Robert De Niro, Chris Cooper, Anne Bancroft
Why: Let me preface my review by saying I own 3 copies of the Dickens novel… Depending on what day you ask me, it’s either my favorite book or at least in my top 3. A lot of people that love the book have ripped this movie, but I’m not one of them.
I suppose you could argue that they shouldn’t have tried to make a bunch of changes to a classic book, but you‘d be wrong… The straight forward movie version of the book has been done several times and frankly- they all sucked.
Mainstream Hollywood puts out the same cookie cutter movies year after year. Sequels to crap… Safe movies over and over again…
Taking a book like Great Expectations and changing so much is as ambitious as it is original… That’s what makes movies fun.
And why make a Great Expectations movie if you’re not going to put your own spin on it?
I feel the same way about cover songs… Why cover a great song and try to make it sound like the original? For example, Aerosmith once did a revolting cover the Beatles “Come Together” and they tried to make it sound like the original version… Did they really think that they could make it sound better than the Beatles did? Assholes.
The important part was capturing the spirit and essence of Dickens’ novel, and I feel that they did that.
The Director (Alfonso Cuarón- Y tu Mama Tambien) did an excellent job of making it all work… I’m not big on Gwyneth Paltrow but she was memorable in her role as Estella… and even though Ethan Hawke isn’t spectacular, he doesn’t fuck anything up either…
The real strength of the movie comes in the supporting roles which were absolutely nailed… De Niro’s screen time is very limited, but as expected he makes every second last… Also Anne Bancroft and Chris Cooper really shine.
The soundtrack is really strong and full of energy. There are a couple of scenes where it drives the movie.
Remote Stopper Scene: Obviously the scene everyone remembers is the De Niro in New York scene… but my personal favorite is a Chris Cooper scene about halfway through the movie. He plays Finn’s Uncle/Guardian Joe… When Finn finally gets his big break with a one man show at a SoHo art gallery, Joe makes a surprise appearance… Much like the Phillip Seymour Hoffman “Can I kiss you on the mouth” scene in Boogey Nights- Copper manages to make you feel several emotions all at once within the span of seconds.
Goosebump/Tear Factor: The above mentioned Cooper Scene makes the room get dusty… as well as the final scene, and the De Niro train scene.
Overall Rating: 8/10... I never understood why critics piled onto this movie with such anger… it has it’s flaws, it’s almost too ambitious, and it has some dead spots. But I fail to see how a movie that is SO well acted could be considered anything less than an 8.
Friday, March 10, 2006
It All Works Out in the End
LIFE SUCKS
For the past couple of weeks Moe Greene's lunch habits have spiraled out of control...
Here is the lunch time menu he's been following of late, we call it the "The Meal of Death":
McDonald's Fish Fillet, Large Fry, Large Coke... He then adds on a Double-Cheeseburger, AND a 4 Piece McNugget!?!?
Next, he leaves McDonald's and drives to Dairy Queen where he proceeds to order an Oreo Blizzard!?!?!
Moe eating "The Meal of Death" reminds me of that famous scene in Scarface... You know, the one where Tony buries his face in the mountain of coke on his desk and tries to suck down an entire kilo in one snort... yeah, it's kind of like that.
But you know what the worst part is? The bastard is not even fat! In fact, at least once a week someone comes into the office and asks him, "Are you losing weight?"
So Moe Greene scarfs down fast food like Ms. Pacman with a tape worm, and yet I'm the one who can't stop gaining weight.
BUT AT LEAST IT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE
Moe works very hard in our office... 75% of the phone calls are for him, and even though anybody in our office can help our policy holders, Moe's people only want to talk to Moe... He remembers everyone's name... He's great at making people feel comfortable... When people are angry, Moe calms them down... Everybody loves Moe...
He's busy from the second he walks in, until the second he leaves... Even though we have an owner and an office manager, Moe basically runs our Agency... He's been doing it for the past five years... He has no time for Blog reading, and his email time is very limited... The boss never tells him "thank you" or even "good job".
My days here are a little less hectic than Moe's... I spend WAY too much time reading blogs... I always find time to return a personal email... Sure, I have some people that only want to deal with me, but it's because I'm the only one that speaks Spanish... I can't remember anybodies name... I'm not friendly... If someone gets angry with me, I become condescending and surly... While Moe ran the office today, I made a sketch of Dr. Vodka's lips (attempted to at least)... Moe is indispensable... I am disposable... And as if all that wasn't enough, Moe is the boss' Son in Law... I'm just the Son in Law's friend...
We opened up our paychecks this afternoon and were surprised to see that we had finally been awarded our end of last year "bonuses" (still waiting on our raises that were due Jan. 1st however).
I looked at my "bonus"... it wasn't much, but it was unexpected so who am I to complain? I assumed that Moe's bonus would be double what mine was... as it should have been.
I turned to his desk, "How much?"
Turns out he got the same amount as me...
So, for the record Moe eats like a pig and I'm fat... But Moe works twice as hard as me but gets the same check... In the end, it all works out.
For the past couple of weeks Moe Greene's lunch habits have spiraled out of control...
Here is the lunch time menu he's been following of late, we call it the "The Meal of Death":
McDonald's Fish Fillet, Large Fry, Large Coke... He then adds on a Double-Cheeseburger, AND a 4 Piece McNugget!?!?Next, he leaves McDonald's and drives to Dairy Queen where he proceeds to order an Oreo Blizzard!?!?!
Moe eating "The Meal of Death" reminds me of that famous scene in Scarface... You know, the one where Tony buries his face in the mountain of coke on his desk and tries to suck down an entire kilo in one snort... yeah, it's kind of like that.
But you know what the worst part is? The bastard is not even fat! In fact, at least once a week someone comes into the office and asks him, "Are you losing weight?"
So Moe Greene scarfs down fast food like Ms. Pacman with a tape worm, and yet I'm the one who can't stop gaining weight.
BUT AT LEAST IT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE
Moe works very hard in our office... 75% of the phone calls are for him, and even though anybody in our office can help our policy holders, Moe's people only want to talk to Moe... He remembers everyone's name... He's great at making people feel comfortable... When people are angry, Moe calms them down... Everybody loves Moe...
He's busy from the second he walks in, until the second he leaves... Even though we have an owner and an office manager, Moe basically runs our Agency... He's been doing it for the past five years... He has no time for Blog reading, and his email time is very limited... The boss never tells him "thank you" or even "good job".
My days here are a little less hectic than Moe's... I spend WAY too much time reading blogs... I always find time to return a personal email... Sure, I have some people that only want to deal with me, but it's because I'm the only one that speaks Spanish... I can't remember anybodies name... I'm not friendly... If someone gets angry with me, I become condescending and surly... While Moe ran the office today, I made a sketch of Dr. Vodka's lips (attempted to at least)... Moe is indispensable... I am disposable... And as if all that wasn't enough, Moe is the boss' Son in Law... I'm just the Son in Law's friend...
We opened up our paychecks this afternoon and were surprised to see that we had finally been awarded our end of last year "bonuses" (still waiting on our raises that were due Jan. 1st however).
I looked at my "bonus"... it wasn't much, but it was unexpected so who am I to complain? I assumed that Moe's bonus would be double what mine was... as it should have been.
I turned to his desk, "How much?"
Turns out he got the same amount as me...
So, for the record Moe eats like a pig and I'm fat... But Moe works twice as hard as me but gets the same check... In the end, it all works out.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The Re-Post
Well I've decided that instead of putting out some new and original thoughts I'd just re-post something I've already written... My reasoning is two fold...
[1] I've got a mild case of writer's block. (nothing too serious, I'm sure I could work through it if properly motivated... but hey, there is a reason this Blog is called "Tales of Mediocrity")
and [2] The subject matter is actually relevant to the week I'm having... I've been obsessed with this boxing game for the Xbox 360, and I've been staying up until 1 or 2 am to play it, and in the morning I just haven't been able to get up.
Also, I would like to point out how honest of a person I am... Since the two posts I'm going to re-post are from when I first started this blog in September, I doubt most of you have ever even read these posts... At the time my only readers were Moe Greene, Cracked Chancla, and Gustavo- and I doubt any of them actually remember reading this.... My point is, I could have just re-posted it and pawned it off as new material and nobody would have known the difference... But I care too much about my Asi Es, tales of Mediocrity elected representatives to do that... And now, it's time for my hardly anticipated re-post of "The Battle of My Alarm Clock", and "Battle Update" [insert dramatic drum roll]:
The Battle of My Alarm Clock
At 4:51am our alarm clock goes off for my wife to get up and go to work... The clock is on my side of the bed... My wife has an alarm clock on her side of the bed as well but she never uses it ("este pinche alarma no sirve").
Really she just can't figure out how to work the thing, but we both pretend that the problem is the clock and not her wild incompetence when it comes to anything that uses electricity, but that's another story.
Anyway, I have to badger her into getting up so that I can then reset the alarm for 7:51 and go back to sleep... My goal every morning is to hit the snooze button one time and then get up at 8:00. That gives me 50 minutes to brush my teeth, take a shower, shave, get dressed, and eat a quick bowl of cereal before I drive to my office- which is only 2 miles away.
It sounds like a lot to do but if I stick to the schedule I can pull it off with no problem.
For the first 2 months at this new job I had no problem getting motivated to get to work and take on the day... But now the novelty has worn off and I have returned to my slacker ways.
Every morning has become a negotiation with myself for 9 more minutes of sleep...
"Okay, if I hit the snooze button once more I can just shave really quickly in the shower and that will save time. It won't be a perfect shave job, but it'll be good enough..."
9 minutes later, and I'm thinking, "okay, I won't eat a bowl of cereal, I'll just grab a granola bar on my way out the door..." 9 more minutes.
Before I even realize what's happening It's like 8:30 and I have to do a dead sprint to the shower for a speed wash and a sloppy shave before running out the door with no food.
As crazy as it sounds, last week I actually got into my car and was halfway to work when I realized I hadn't even taken my morning piss! What kind of man doesn't go directly to the toilet to relieve himself as soon as he wakes up?!? But that's how panicked and rushed I was...
This morning I came up with a name for this snooze button game I play. After finally sitting up in bed and pausing to stare angrily at the alarm clock, I noticed that it was sitting on top on a CD case. I picked up the clock and looked at the CD... Rage Against the Machine, "The Battle of Los Angeles."
I wasn't even trying to come up with a name for this game; it just hit me, "The Battle of My Alarm Clock." Damn, I think of the dumbest shit first thing in the morning... But none-the-less I now have my motivation to wake up at 8:00am tomorrow morning. I'm going to do it for the memory of Zach De La Rocha and my beloved Rage Against the Machine!
Tomorrow morning I'm serious, I will wake up at 8am exactly, not a minute later... well maybe 8:09, I can always just brush my teeth really quickly!
[1] I've got a mild case of writer's block. (nothing too serious, I'm sure I could work through it if properly motivated... but hey, there is a reason this Blog is called "Tales of Mediocrity")
and [2] The subject matter is actually relevant to the week I'm having... I've been obsessed with this boxing game for the Xbox 360, and I've been staying up until 1 or 2 am to play it, and in the morning I just haven't been able to get up.
Also, I would like to point out how honest of a person I am... Since the two posts I'm going to re-post are from when I first started this blog in September, I doubt most of you have ever even read these posts... At the time my only readers were Moe Greene, Cracked Chancla, and Gustavo- and I doubt any of them actually remember reading this.... My point is, I could have just re-posted it and pawned it off as new material and nobody would have known the difference... But I care too much about my Asi Es, tales of Mediocrity elected representatives to do that... And now, it's time for my hardly anticipated re-post of "The Battle of My Alarm Clock", and "Battle Update" [insert dramatic drum roll]:
The Battle of My Alarm Clock
At 4:51am our alarm clock goes off for my wife to get up and go to work... The clock is on my side of the bed... My wife has an alarm clock on her side of the bed as well but she never uses it ("este pinche alarma no sirve").
Really she just can't figure out how to work the thing, but we both pretend that the problem is the clock and not her wild incompetence when it comes to anything that uses electricity, but that's another story.
Anyway, I have to badger her into getting up so that I can then reset the alarm for 7:51 and go back to sleep... My goal every morning is to hit the snooze button one time and then get up at 8:00. That gives me 50 minutes to brush my teeth, take a shower, shave, get dressed, and eat a quick bowl of cereal before I drive to my office- which is only 2 miles away.
It sounds like a lot to do but if I stick to the schedule I can pull it off with no problem.
For the first 2 months at this new job I had no problem getting motivated to get to work and take on the day... But now the novelty has worn off and I have returned to my slacker ways.
Every morning has become a negotiation with myself for 9 more minutes of sleep...
"Okay, if I hit the snooze button once more I can just shave really quickly in the shower and that will save time. It won't be a perfect shave job, but it'll be good enough..."
9 minutes later, and I'm thinking, "okay, I won't eat a bowl of cereal, I'll just grab a granola bar on my way out the door..." 9 more minutes.
Before I even realize what's happening It's like 8:30 and I have to do a dead sprint to the shower for a speed wash and a sloppy shave before running out the door with no food.
As crazy as it sounds, last week I actually got into my car and was halfway to work when I realized I hadn't even taken my morning piss! What kind of man doesn't go directly to the toilet to relieve himself as soon as he wakes up?!? But that's how panicked and rushed I was...
This morning I came up with a name for this snooze button game I play. After finally sitting up in bed and pausing to stare angrily at the alarm clock, I noticed that it was sitting on top on a CD case. I picked up the clock and looked at the CD... Rage Against the Machine, "The Battle of Los Angeles."
I wasn't even trying to come up with a name for this game; it just hit me, "The Battle of My Alarm Clock." Damn, I think of the dumbest shit first thing in the morning... But none-the-less I now have my motivation to wake up at 8:00am tomorrow morning. I'm going to do it for the memory of Zach De La Rocha and my beloved Rage Against the Machine!
Tomorrow morning I'm serious, I will wake up at 8am exactly, not a minute later... well maybe 8:09, I can always just brush my teeth really quickly!
********
Battle Update
Well I lost "The Battle of My Alarm Clock" this morning.
Was it because I'm a lazy piece of crap that lacks self motivation? I don't know, I'd like to think that my loss was more a reflection on my disillusionment and lingering anger with RATM and their inability to put aside their personal gripes for the greater good of America's politicized youth.
That's right, it couldn't be because I'm lazy. Not at all...
Monday, March 06, 2006
Film Vault Tuesday (Week 8)
The first time I saw Phillip Seymour Hoffman he was playing a bit role in "Leap of Faith", a quality but forgettable Steve Martin movie about a con-man hustling as a preacher.He didn’t really show anything special in that role, but his face began popping up in smaller roles in movie’s like "Scent of a Woman", "Nobody’s Fool", and "Twister"…
He had established himself as a “that guy” actor… You’ve seen him in some movies before but he didn’t do anything special enough to make you remember his name… All that changed for me the second I saw him step onto the scene as Scotty J., in a movie called “Boogie Nights.”
It took him several more movies before he really got a following from mainstream movie goers, but for me- Boogie Nights was all I needed… From that moment on I told anyone who would listen that Hoffman (or PSH for short) was as good as any leading actor out there.
I was worried that his lack of Hollywood good looks would relegate him to a career of supporting roles as a character actor… I over analyzed and worried about every movie role he picked- afraid the wrong choice could end his career while all the time knowing that he was also only one perfect role away from stardom.
And now he’s there… The pinnacle of success… Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role.
So, in honor of PSH’s big win, this Film Vault Tuesday is dedicated to the movie where he stole my heart…
Title: Boogie Nights (1997)Credits: Mark Wahlberg, Burt Reynolds, Julianne Moore, Don Cheadle, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, William H. Macy, John C. Reilly
Why? I don’t even know where to begin… This movie defines the phrase “All-Star Cast.”
It’s an eclectic mix of literally, the best actors Hollywood has to offer. And they all deliver.
You add in a brilliant script loosely based off the life of deceased porn star John Holmes and you’ve got magic…
More than any movie, this movie has molded the vocabulary of my friends… there are so many little throw away lines that just stay with us… The movie's director/writer, PT Anderson has a style unlike anyone else. He gets top notch actors to play intentionally over the top, bizarre roles and somehow make you take the whole spectacle seriously.
You spend half the movie laughing at the absurdity of the characters and before you know how it happened you suddenly find yourself emotionally connected to them.
Remote Stopper Scene: Perhaps the most tense scene in movie history takes place towards the end of the movie... Let me just say it involves cheesy mustaches, a gay underage Chinese prostitute who loves to throw firecrackers, and a drug deal gone terribly wrong... the whole scene is set to the backdrop of the Rick Springfield classic "Jessie's Girl."
Also, despite the fact that Mark Wahlberg is a pretty mediocre actor, he has a great moment where you can see the moment he realizes that he's hit rock bottom based only on his facial expression.
Goosebump/Tear Factor: Of course this scene is dedicated to the great Phillip Seymour Hoffman and the moment he stole my heart... It's a big New Year's Eve party at Dirk Diggler's house and Scotty J. (PSH) has been following Dirk around like a puppy dog all night... Finally he talks Dirk into coming outside so he can show him his new car... and he tries kiss him!
Nothing is more disturbing than watching an overweight and unkept Scotty J. plead with Dirk, "Please, can I kiss you, can I kiss you on the mouth?"
Of course, Dirk denies Scotty's pathetic advance, leaving the desperate camera man with nothing left but a lame attempt at blaming it all on the alcohol.
He's left alone in Dirk's driveway as the New Year's Celebration rages on without him.
Crushed, he retreats to his car where he proceeds to bang his hand into the steering wheel in a fit of rage, crying hysterically the whole time... My words don't do an adequate job of expressing the moment. It's something that most be seen to be truly appreciated.
When I first saw the scene I was laughing uncontrollably and then all of a sudden in a matter of mere seconds he made my eyes water with sympathy... And that made him a star, in my eyes at least.
Overall Rating: 8.5/10. This movie isn't for everyone. In addition to some very graphic nudity and lots of drug use, the film drags on for 156 minutes... It's the type of movie the requires an emotional commitment. The first 2 or 3 times I saw it, I wasn't even sure I liked it.
I knew I liked a lot of scenes in it, but it didn't realize until much later how brilliant the movie really was... It follows the life of Porn Stars, but really it's not about pornography... It's about broken people trying to make their way through life.
It's about overcoming obstacles and finding yourself, just as much as it's about sex and cocaine... It's genius is that it makes you not only care, but actually connect with people that you have so little yet so much in common with.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Joel, A Life History...
Okay, I've gotten a request to blog more often... Also, my email inbox has been flooded with literally thousands of [imaginary] emails from my adoring [imaginary] readers across the world... It seems as though many of the [imaginary] readers were a bit surprised to see the picture of me and my ex-mistress Salma Hayek... The most common [imaginary] question I get asked in the 2500 plus [imaginary] emails I've gotten is, "Joel, what else have you been up to in your life that we didn't know about?"
Well I wouldn't want to disappoint or lie to my loyal readers, so I am going to open up my scrap book and show you some of the more historic events of my life...
Now, I know what you're thinking... How is it possible that you have thousands and thousands of [imaginary] readers when only the same 10-15 people seem to ever comment on your blog?
Well the answer to that is quite simple... In order to avoid crashing the Blogger site with the mass volume of comments I would normally receive, we had to come up with a system not unlike the Electoral College...
For every 10,000 readers I have, ONE very lucky reader is elected to represent that group... Then when I post something new on the blog, the group gets together and votes on how they would like to respond to my, no doubt epic post... It is then up to their representative to see to it that their voice is heard.
So, do not think of Moe Greene, Cracked Chancla, Sonrisa Morena, Santiago, EMC, CincySunDevil, Cindylu, Marie, Gustavo, Jennifer, Vanessa, Chicana on the Edge, Unforgiving Bitch, Normies, Julissa, JHD, or CAD as simply readers of my blog... No my friend, they are ELECTED OFFICIALS who represent the voice of the masses... they do a noble cause by giving a voice to so many Asi Es- Tales of Mediocrity readers that otherwise would never be heard! And for that they should be thanked...
And now, I present to you: Joel, A Life History....
Did you know I read for the part of the Godfather? Turned it down, schedule conflict:
I've always been close with the Kennedy's... Jackie O was simply darling, I'm sure you agree:
If you look close you can see me there behind Dr. King's right shoulder... Not many people know that he was actually supposed to be the opening speaker for me that day... then he broke out the "I Have A Dream" speech and I was like, "How am I supposed to follow that up?" and so I didn't:
I knew Monica Lewinsky way back when... and just how well did I know her??? Well enough:
How many among us can say we posed for Di Vinci? He was a bit stuffy truth be told, and let me just say, one last time, for the record... I'm bigger than that, and I think you know what I mean:
And finally... The peace we made that day between Israel and Palestine may not have lasted very long, but at least we got to be part of this famous picture:
So I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of things... I've been offered big movie roles, posed for famous artists, hung with the Kennedy babes, had my toes stepped on by MLK, and been serviced by history's most famous intern... I even brought peace to the world's most tumultuous region... I've balanced the nation's economy- twice... I've helped a mama giraffe give birth... I've held the camera during celebrity porn videos... and perhaps most notably, I was a backup dancer for Bobby Brown during the "My Prerogative Tour"... I've packed all this life into 26 years... and if anyone reading this dares to doubt the validiy of my claims and/or photos- you can just ask anyone one of my elected reader representatives and they'll be glad to tell; It's true... It's all true.
Well I wouldn't want to disappoint or lie to my loyal readers, so I am going to open up my scrap book and show you some of the more historic events of my life...
Now, I know what you're thinking... How is it possible that you have thousands and thousands of [imaginary] readers when only the same 10-15 people seem to ever comment on your blog?
Well the answer to that is quite simple... In order to avoid crashing the Blogger site with the mass volume of comments I would normally receive, we had to come up with a system not unlike the Electoral College...
For every 10,000 readers I have, ONE very lucky reader is elected to represent that group... Then when I post something new on the blog, the group gets together and votes on how they would like to respond to my, no doubt epic post... It is then up to their representative to see to it that their voice is heard.
So, do not think of Moe Greene, Cracked Chancla, Sonrisa Morena, Santiago, EMC, CincySunDevil, Cindylu, Marie, Gustavo, Jennifer, Vanessa, Chicana on the Edge, Unforgiving Bitch, Normies, Julissa, JHD, or CAD as simply readers of my blog... No my friend, they are ELECTED OFFICIALS who represent the voice of the masses... they do a noble cause by giving a voice to so many Asi Es- Tales of Mediocrity readers that otherwise would never be heard! And for that they should be thanked...
And now, I present to you: Joel, A Life History....
Did you know I read for the part of the Godfather? Turned it down, schedule conflict:
I've always been close with the Kennedy's... Jackie O was simply darling, I'm sure you agree:
If you look close you can see me there behind Dr. King's right shoulder... Not many people know that he was actually supposed to be the opening speaker for me that day... then he broke out the "I Have A Dream" speech and I was like, "How am I supposed to follow that up?" and so I didn't:
I knew Monica Lewinsky way back when... and just how well did I know her??? Well enough:
How many among us can say we posed for Di Vinci? He was a bit stuffy truth be told, and let me just say, one last time, for the record... I'm bigger than that, and I think you know what I mean:
And finally... The peace we made that day between Israel and Palestine may not have lasted very long, but at least we got to be part of this famous picture:
So I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of things... I've been offered big movie roles, posed for famous artists, hung with the Kennedy babes, had my toes stepped on by MLK, and been serviced by history's most famous intern... I even brought peace to the world's most tumultuous region... I've balanced the nation's economy- twice... I've helped a mama giraffe give birth... I've held the camera during celebrity porn videos... and perhaps most notably, I was a backup dancer for Bobby Brown during the "My Prerogative Tour"... I've packed all this life into 26 years... and if anyone reading this dares to doubt the validiy of my claims and/or photos- you can just ask anyone one of my elected reader representatives and they'll be glad to tell; It's true... It's all true.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
DON JOHNSON, THE OTTOMAN, AND THE PROPOSITION
I don't really have anything substantial to blog about, but I do have a couple of small things of little or no consequence to say, so I decided to put them all together and make one long incoherent post!
Hopefully in the case of this post, the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts... or something like that.
DON JOHNSON
On Wednesday my boss had an important meeting with people he wants to talk into doing a substantial amount of future business with him... The meeting was not too early, 10 AM... He usually doesn't make it to the office until 11 or so (when he comes in that is), but surely 10 AM is late enough that you should have enough time to pick out an outfit that reflects whatever it is you want it to reflect...
This is what my boss, a man of MUCHO means, decided to wear, what he decided to reflect:
a circa 1980 WHITE blazer, over top a dark gray polo shirt... worn khakis, and what appeared to be the type of shoes you would wear on a sail boating adventure.
As my dear friend Moe Greene pointed out, "The only the that was missing was the Miami Vice theme song."
THE OTTOMAN
Speaking of Moe Greene, he told me a story on Tuesday that makes me question my readiness to be a father.
He has 3 kids... 2 girls, and the youngest (2 or 3 months old) is a boy... Well the other night he was changing the boy's messy diaper when the feces really hit the fan (pun very much intended).
He had placed the baby on what he called the "ottoman" (sp?)... which is, to the best of my knowledge a fancy footrest... So, he removes the soiled diaper and as he's getting the new diaper out, the baby decided he wasn't finished doing his business...
There was no time to grab the new diaper, Moe had to act fast. (This is the part in the story where I knew I wasn't ready to be a father) He put the fear of his wife ahead of his own hygiene; He decided to reach his hand out and catch the baby poo before it could fall on their expensive footrest!
His son allegedly let out the kind of long discolored stream of feces that only a baby can produce... all over his hand. But the fancy footresy was saved.
And if that's not enough to convince you to practice safe sex well than nothing is...
THE PROPOSITION
This afternoon one of our relatively attractive, recently divorced policy holders came in to talk to me... She is smart, funny, and posses a very flirtatious and warm smile.
She got her insurance business done and then decided she would just hang out at my desk for 15 or 20 minutes... Moe Greene gets hit on regularly... I get innocent flirting... There is a BIG diference... But today ladies and gentlemen, I was hit on!
She even went so far as to ask me "where a lonely single girl should go in this city to meet a nice single man..." and followed that up with a forward, "Where would you take me?"
I recommended a few places to go and then mentioned my wife... She was visibly disappointed and gave me a smile that said, "too bad."
The whole ordeal felt pretty good... I dare to say that it may have been highlight of my day.
Hopefully in the case of this post, the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts... or something like that.
DON JOHNSON
On Wednesday my boss had an important meeting with people he wants to talk into doing a substantial amount of future business with him... The meeting was not too early, 10 AM... He usually doesn't make it to the office until 11 or so (when he comes in that is), but surely 10 AM is late enough that you should have enough time to pick out an outfit that reflects whatever it is you want it to reflect...
This is what my boss, a man of MUCHO means, decided to wear, what he decided to reflect:
a circa 1980 WHITE blazer, over top a dark gray polo shirt... worn khakis, and what appeared to be the type of shoes you would wear on a sail boating adventure.
As my dear friend Moe Greene pointed out, "The only the that was missing was the Miami Vice theme song."
THE OTTOMAN
Speaking of Moe Greene, he told me a story on Tuesday that makes me question my readiness to be a father.
He has 3 kids... 2 girls, and the youngest (2 or 3 months old) is a boy... Well the other night he was changing the boy's messy diaper when the feces really hit the fan (pun very much intended).
He had placed the baby on what he called the "ottoman" (sp?)... which is, to the best of my knowledge a fancy footrest... So, he removes the soiled diaper and as he's getting the new diaper out, the baby decided he wasn't finished doing his business...
There was no time to grab the new diaper, Moe had to act fast. (This is the part in the story where I knew I wasn't ready to be a father) He put the fear of his wife ahead of his own hygiene; He decided to reach his hand out and catch the baby poo before it could fall on their expensive footrest!
His son allegedly let out the kind of long discolored stream of feces that only a baby can produce... all over his hand. But the fancy footresy was saved.
And if that's not enough to convince you to practice safe sex well than nothing is...
THE PROPOSITION
This afternoon one of our relatively attractive, recently divorced policy holders came in to talk to me... She is smart, funny, and posses a very flirtatious and warm smile.
She got her insurance business done and then decided she would just hang out at my desk for 15 or 20 minutes... Moe Greene gets hit on regularly... I get innocent flirting... There is a BIG diference... But today ladies and gentlemen, I was hit on!
She even went so far as to ask me "where a lonely single girl should go in this city to meet a nice single man..." and followed that up with a forward, "Where would you take me?"
I recommended a few places to go and then mentioned my wife... She was visibly disappointed and gave me a smile that said, "too bad."
The whole ordeal felt pretty good... I dare to say that it may have been highlight of my day.
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