Joel, A Life History...

Okay, I've gotten a request to blog more often... Also, my email inbox has been flooded with literally thousands of [imaginary] emails from my adoring [imaginary] readers across the world... It seems as though many of the [imaginary] readers were a bit surprised to see the picture of me and my ex-mistress Salma Hayek... The most common [imaginary] question I get asked in the 2500 plus [imaginary] emails I've gotten is, "Joel, what else have you been up to in your life that we didn't know about?"

Well I wouldn't want to disappoint or lie to my loyal readers, so I am going to open up my scrap book and show you some of the more historic events of my life...

Now, I know what you're thinking... How is it possible that you have thousands and thousands of [imaginary] readers when only the same 10-15 people seem to ever comment on your blog?

Well the answer to that is quite simple... In order to avoid crashing the Blogger site with the mass volume of comments I would normally receive, we had to come up with a system not unlike the Electoral College...

For every 10,000 readers I have, ONE very lucky reader is elected to represent that group... Then when I post something new on the blog, the group gets together and votes on how they would like to respond to my, no doubt epic post... It is then up to their representative to see to it that their voice is heard.

So, do not think of Moe Greene, Cracked Chancla, Sonrisa Morena, Santiago, EMC, CincySunDevil, Cindylu, Marie, Gustavo, Jennifer, Vanessa, Chicana on the Edge, Unforgiving Bitch, Normies, Julissa, JHD, or CAD as simply readers of my blog... No my friend, they are ELECTED OFFICIALS who represent the voice of the masses... they do a noble cause by giving a voice to so many Asi Es- Tales of Mediocrity readers that otherwise would never be heard! And for that they should be thanked...

And now, I present to you: Joel, A Life History....

Did you know I read for the part of the Godfather? Turned it down, schedule conflict:


















I've always been close with the Kennedy's... Jackie O was simply darling, I'm sure you agree:




















If you look close you can see me there behind Dr. King's right shoulder... Not many people know that he was actually supposed to be the opening speaker for me that day... then he broke out the "I Have A Dream" speech and I was like, "How am I supposed to follow that up?" and so I didn't:











I knew Monica Lewinsky way back when... and just how well did I know her??? Well enough:

















How many among us can say we posed for Di Vinci? He was a bit stuffy truth be told, and let me just say, one last time, for the record... I'm bigger than that, and I think you know what I mean:



















And finally... The peace we made that day between Israel and Palestine may not have lasted very long, but at least we got to be part of this famous picture:















So I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of things... I've been offered big movie roles, posed for famous artists, hung with the Kennedy babes, had my toes stepped on by MLK, and been serviced by history's most famous intern... I even brought peace to the world's most tumultuous region... I've balanced the nation's economy- twice... I've helped a mama giraffe give birth... I've held the camera during celebrity porn videos... and perhaps most notably, I was a backup dancer for Bobby Brown during the "My Prerogative Tour"... I've packed all this life into 26 years... and if anyone reading this dares to doubt the validiy of my claims and/or photos- you can just ask anyone one of my elected reader representatives and they'll be glad to tell; It's true... It's all true.