Peeing on the Wall

This post is exactly what the title implies... I just peed on the bathroom wall here at work.

For some reason the toilet seat in the men's bathroom has a tendency to fall down after you lift it up. It used to happen all the time but it hasn't really been an issue lately... Today however, it was.

Usually it falls right after you lift it up. With that in mind as I whipped out my manhood, I paused a good 2-3 seconds. When the seat didn't fall back down I started doing my business.

I was about halfway through my deed when I saw the seat starting to tip forward... Instinctively I reached my hand out to try and stop the seat before it fell into "the line of fire" but that only made things worse.

I ended up not only peeing on the wall, but I got a little on my hand as well... not a lot, but enough.

I washed pretty thoroughly in the sink, and then back at my desk I broke out some disinfectant soap gel stuff... this was followed up by lemon scented hand moisturizer but still, piss is piss.

So if you happen to see me today on the subway or walking the streets of Capitol Hill, you might not want to shake my hand.

Cause it's our Anniversary

I've always regretted the fact that I got married 9 days after Valentines Day... At the time I didn't realize that I was signing up for a lifetime of back-to-back gift weeks. Actually there were a lot of things I didn't realize I was signing up for, but that's another post entirely.

It's not so much the financial burden of buying the gifts (although that does suck) it's more the burden of trying to think of something to romantic to buy on consecutive weeks. Had I spread the dates out a little further it would have made things much easier to manage and plan for.

But I did make a pretty amazing discovery this year, and frankly, I don't know how it took me four anniversaries to figure it out... There is a big discount on flowers the week after Valentines Day!

In the past I've usually just grabbed a small bouquet of past their prime roses for $5 from the Guatemalan women that seem to be selling flowers at EVERY major intersection in our area, but not this year! I saw a sign about a rose sale at a local grocery store that has changed the way I view anniversary gifts.

Hopefully next year I won't forget about the rose sale... In fact, 12 months from now when I start bitching about buying anniversary gifts, somebody should remind me about my little secret.

Of course that's bad news for the Guatemalan women, but fuck it, I can't be everyone's savior. Morena reacts way better to the grocery store flowers than to intersection flowers so I had to prioritize... Sorry Chapines... but don't fret, we'll still be doing business on Morena's birthday, and any days where I've fucked something up and feel that flowers might win me some points... that happens at least 2 or 3 times per year so were looking at a guaranteed income of at least $15-20 per year!

REFRESHED

As you may or may not have noticed, I took off from the blog last week... I just didn't have the energy.

My brother in law was in El Salvador and so I was helping out at the store every night after I got done my real job... I didn't mind helping, although I was a little jealous that he was there and I wasn't. I was supposed to be there for la feria this year but it fell through (see crazy jealous wife). There is another trip planned in June that I might be able to go on, but it will mean missing at least 3 weeks of work... We're supposed to take a couple of cars to leave down there, and of course this means driving all the way through Mexico, and Guatemala. And driving at night in Mexico is a not a good idea so we'd only be able to drive during the day and that takes forever... we'll see. a ver que dice la esposa, I haven't mentioned it yet.

A couple of highlights from my week and a half at the store:

-El Coyote phone cards are a distant memory. They've been replaced by cards that feature half naked sweaty women with names like: Diva, La Morenita, and La Fresca... they usually have crappy rates but horny men buy them 2 or 3 at a time... go figure... men are pigs...

-Speaking of men being pigs, some woman came in one night looking for a job. She was wearing a tube top that left nothing to the imagination. It wasn't a very appropriate way to dress while looking for a job, but after talking with her for a couple of minutes it became clear that she was basically marketing her only asset(s)... Anyway, despite her lack of actual qualifications I was all set to give her a job interview in the back of the store when I remembered: 'This isn't my store and I can't hire anybody!'

I think the moral of the story is that I shouldn't be in charge of hiring people. Cause I would have hired that woman on the spot and I'm sure would have ruined the store and possibly my marriage within a couple of months, and for all I know she probably couldn't even count to 100 let alone figure out how to work the register... But like I said, we're pigs...

-Valentines Day wasn't easy... I was working all day and Morena had to work that night... When I got home all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep, but instead I decided to try and stay up and wait for her to get home. With the help of a couple Heinekens I was able to not only stay up, but I surprised both her and me with a serenade of one of her favorite songs, Mi Credo by K-Paz de la Sierra*:

Sin ti yo no soy el mismo
eres mi credo pedazo de cielo
Abrasame fuerte !!! (I got really into this part apparently, I'm sure the neighbors loved it)
Mi trebol de buena suerte
Prefiero morir junto a ti
Al no verte

I'd like to believe that I was able to sound just like the late Sergio Gómez, but something tells me that my performance wasn't quite on par.

So anyway, that's why I was gone last week. But I'm back now.






* Here's a link to the "Mi Credo" video... I'm not really a big fan of Duranguense music per se, but I love this song... it helps if you play the volume as loud as you can stand it, and of course adding in enough alcohol to poison a small elephant doesn't hurt either!

The Cronicles of Moe Greene: The High School Years

Moe Greene’s pathetic High School dating record can be summed up in one story. Don’t get me wrong, my record wasn’t that much better, but it was better... Which says a lot because I was the funny fat kid that all the girls wanted to be ‘friends’ with, so at least I had an excuse… Moe didn’t have an excuse. Girls actually liked him. He just didn’t know what to do about it.

This story takes place during my Junior Year which would have made it Sophomore Year for Moe… We were in the cafeteria and the lunch shift was coming to an end. We had just cleaned off our table and were putting on our backpacks when “Emily” walks over to us…

A long time ago Moe and I discovered that you could fit just about every girl worth dating into four categories based on the girls from The Wonder Years… First you’ve got "Category 1, Becky Slater"… Kevin dated her in 7th Grade basically because she met his minimum basic needs- she was decent looking, she had some personality, and most importantly- she was obtainable. She was a safe pick.

Then there's "Category 2, Madeline Adams". She was the girl Kevin constantly found himself fantasizing about in French Class. She was gorgeous, worldly, and completely unobtainable.

Next is "Category 3, (my personal favorite) Cara". She was Kevin’s summer fling and even though their romance was short lived (they never even gave her character a last name), she still made a lasting impact. She was sexy, she was dangerous, she was um… experienced (wink)… In short, she was a good time.

And finally we have "Category 4, Winnie Cooper"… The total package… She may not be as beautiful as Madeline, or as sexy as Cara, but she brings much more to the table than any of those other girls. She’s got personality, she’s intelligent, she’s presentable, she’s the kind of girl that inspires sappy letters and sentimental love songs... You can fall in love with Winnie Cooper.

"Emily" fell into the Winnie Cooper Category… and she was walking our way.

As she nervously approached Moe Greene I stepped back so that I was out of the conversation but still close enough to hear everything.

“Hey Moe…”

“Hey Emily…”

They were both so nervous I could tell right away that this would be a train wreck. They stood in uncomfortable silence for an excruciating amount of time before Emily finally got the courage to get to the point.

“So um…. I was wondering… if you had a date for um… you know… I mean… I wanted to know if you were going to go to Homecoming?”

Moe looked at her as if she’d just asked him to explain the theory of relativity…

“Homecoming?”

“Yeah… are you going to go?” she asked with a nervous smile.

“Homecoming," Moe asked, still confused. "Why the hell would I want to go to homecoming?"

“To dance…” Emily replied, a nervous smile still plastered across her face.

“I hate dancing.”

And with that Emily quickly turned around and walked away at a speed that only a heart broken and embarrassed teenager can walk... I assume she went directly to the bathroom to cry.

“That was pretty weird, why does she care if I’m going to go to homecoming?” he asked me.

“She was trying to ask you out, jackass!” I quickly replied.

“Really?”

“Duh!”

“Damn... I would have gone to homecoming with her…”

Back 2 School

I’ve been thinking about going back to school… That’s not really news because I think about going back to school all the time. But this time is different... No really... I’ve actually done a bunch of research. I’ve even picked out a school and a start date.

Right now I’m in the process of applying and figuring out how to pay for it all, and it actually looks like this might somehow work out!

I’m going to start small with some pre-law classes at George Mason University but hopefully it will all finish up with a Supreme Court nomination.

My first cousin is a lawyer and although he’s admittedly smarter than me, I figure he’s only like 5 to 10% smarter.

He graduated from Maryland with a 4.0 and then went on to Law School at North Carolina… So according to my 5-10% calculation, I should be able to at least squeak through at George Mason and then get into one of those fly by night Trucking/Law Schools on TV.

I’ll have to take the LSAT though… I’m not sure what my cousin got on that but I’m sure it was a pretty good score… I should probably do some quick research to see just how hard this test actually is, I'll be right back…

...okay I'm back... I found some LSAT sample questions on the internet… I only read the first two questions, but I got them both right! I decided to walk away from the sample test right there with my 100% record in tact.

And the best part was that I didn’t even have to turn off my iPod to answer the questions! If results like that don’t project a sterling career of legal success than I don’t know what does…

I’m not exactly sure how the legal career will fit into the Uruguay plan… maybe when I get nominated to the Supreme Court I’ll have turn it down in exchange for the diplomatic appointment of my choice… I bet being the US ambassador in Uruguay is a pretty kick ass job… I’m sure I could handle it, let me do some more research...

...okay, maybe Ambassador to Uruguay would be a stretch... The guy who has the job now (Frank E. Baxter) went to Berkley, was CEO of a “global investment bank” in London, and then started his own “electronic institutional brokerage” which is now listed on the NY Stock Exchange.

After that he then went on to serve as director of the NASD, and even “served as Chairman of the committee, which resulted in the spin-off of NASDAQ.”

--Gulp-- That’s a little out of my league I guess.

Is it really that hard to be the Ambassador to Uruguay?! Nothing happens there, it should be easy. I was expecting a bio more along the lines of this:

“Mr. Baxter successfully managed several 7-11 franchises in California before a chance meeting on a golf course with President George W. Bush where he was offered and accepted the position of Ambassador to Uruguay.”

Maybe he’s just way over qualified for the position… yeah, that’s probably it… I can probably still get there. After all, my cousin is like, really smart, and we share the same gene pool…