The Cronicles of Moe Greene: The High School Years

Moe Greene’s pathetic High School dating record can be summed up in one story. Don’t get me wrong, my record wasn’t that much better, but it was better... Which says a lot because I was the funny fat kid that all the girls wanted to be ‘friends’ with, so at least I had an excuse… Moe didn’t have an excuse. Girls actually liked him. He just didn’t know what to do about it.

This story takes place during my Junior Year which would have made it Sophomore Year for Moe… We were in the cafeteria and the lunch shift was coming to an end. We had just cleaned off our table and were putting on our backpacks when “Emily” walks over to us…

A long time ago Moe and I discovered that you could fit just about every girl worth dating into four categories based on the girls from The Wonder Years… First you’ve got "Category 1, Becky Slater"… Kevin dated her in 7th Grade basically because she met his minimum basic needs- she was decent looking, she had some personality, and most importantly- she was obtainable. She was a safe pick.

Then there's "Category 2, Madeline Adams". She was the girl Kevin constantly found himself fantasizing about in French Class. She was gorgeous, worldly, and completely unobtainable.

Next is "Category 3, (my personal favorite) Cara". She was Kevin’s summer fling and even though their romance was short lived (they never even gave her character a last name), she still made a lasting impact. She was sexy, she was dangerous, she was um… experienced (wink)… In short, she was a good time.

And finally we have "Category 4, Winnie Cooper"… The total package… She may not be as beautiful as Madeline, or as sexy as Cara, but she brings much more to the table than any of those other girls. She’s got personality, she’s intelligent, she’s presentable, she’s the kind of girl that inspires sappy letters and sentimental love songs... You can fall in love with Winnie Cooper.

"Emily" fell into the Winnie Cooper Category… and she was walking our way.

As she nervously approached Moe Greene I stepped back so that I was out of the conversation but still close enough to hear everything.

“Hey Moe…”

“Hey Emily…”

They were both so nervous I could tell right away that this would be a train wreck. They stood in uncomfortable silence for an excruciating amount of time before Emily finally got the courage to get to the point.

“So um…. I was wondering… if you had a date for um… you know… I mean… I wanted to know if you were going to go to Homecoming?”

Moe looked at her as if she’d just asked him to explain the theory of relativity…

“Homecoming?”

“Yeah… are you going to go?” she asked with a nervous smile.

“Homecoming," Moe asked, still confused. "Why the hell would I want to go to homecoming?"

“To dance…” Emily replied, a nervous smile still plastered across her face.

“I hate dancing.”

And with that Emily quickly turned around and walked away at a speed that only a heart broken and embarrassed teenager can walk... I assume she went directly to the bathroom to cry.

“That was pretty weird, why does she care if I’m going to go to homecoming?” he asked me.

“She was trying to ask you out, jackass!” I quickly replied.

“Really?”

“Duh!”

“Damn... I would have gone to homecoming with her…”