The shocking discovery came at the Takoma stop on the Red Line... I name the stop knowing full well that many of you may not be familiar with it, but damn it, this discovery needs to be properly documented... which is why I'm including this Metro Rail Map below:
Okay, so like I was saying... I'm on the train. We're stopped at the Takoma Station. Just as the doors are about to close I spot a mid twenties white male with............. wait for it.............. a long... bleached blond... RAT'S TAIL!
The rat's tail went to about mid back, and I dare say it rivaled the great Jordan Knight rat's tail of "New Kids on the Block" fame.*
I tried to snap a picture with my iPhone but before I could manage to get "the subject" in focus he was already getting on the escalator.
Had I had the proper amount of time to prepare for the encounter I would have chased him down, tackled him, stuck him with a syringe full of sedatives, photographed him, and of course placed small tracking device in his ear so scientists could track his movements. Alas, I was caught off guard and let you all down. I doubt I'll have the fortune to come across the subject again today, but if I do, I'll be prepared.
The second discovery technically happened in the Glenmont parking garage but I first spotted the couple as we were getting off of the train. The guy was probably around my age, mid-to-late 20's... His companion was a tall, rather plain looking young lady who was slightly younger... late teens to early 20's.
They were walking hand-in-hand a few feet in front of me as we walked towards the garage. I got the sense (because of the hand holding and the way they were dressed) that they were on a lunch date. Once in the garage they approached an old beat up Toyota Corrolla.
The guy walked with girl around the car and opened her passenger door for her. Since it was an older car there was no keyless entry or power locks... I knew right away that the guy was giving his date "The Car Door Test", so I stopped at a safe distance to watch... for those of you unfamiliar with the test, it goes like this: you walk your date to the passenger side door and open it for her (you know as all true gentlemen should do before they've gotten to go to bed with the girl). Then you take your time walking around to the driver's side of the car. If the girl leans over to unlock your door you know you have a potential keeper... But, if she just sits there while you go through the routine of pulling out your key, sliding it into the lock, and opening the door on your own, then you know she's a self centered, high maintenance, cold hearted, wench.
Unfortunatley for the guy in this case, the girl turned out to be the latter. Even from a distance I could see the disappointment on his face as he swung open his door. As painful as it probably was for him, its better to find out she's evil now than 6 months from now.
The old "Car Door Test" has been around forever. I remember my dad telling me about it when I first got my learner's permit and I'm sure his father probably passed it down to him. I've used it on many occaions, but of course, I've never actually decided not to continue dating a girl simply because she didn't pass the test... but my experience has been that it's proven to be pretty damn accurate in just about every relationship I've ever had.**
It got me thinking, what are some of the personal "date tests" that you use? Have you ever used the "car door" test? And finally, since just about every new car being produced now has keyless entry, what will be the next reliable date test?
*I'll be willing to accept that NKOTB have reunited and are putting out new material as long as Jordan can agree to grow back that rat's tail... I don't think I'm asking too much here.
**In case you're wondering, Morena passed the test with flying colors. In fact, not only did she lean over and unlock the door, but she actually pulled the handle and pushed open the door for me... as many points she earned for that, it's offset by the fact that she pretended to love to cook for weeks until I moved in with her and discovered she was lazy. When we were dating every meal was accompanied with fresh, hand made tortillas. Since we got married I only get that maybe two or three times a year.
***There was once a girl that I had such a crush on that I actually told her about the "car door test" before we even went on our date. I was hoping that I could essentially cheat the test in her/my favor... Of course when the big date came she completely forgot about my warning and blew the test completely. It was like I warned her that there would be a pop quiz the next day and yet she never bothered to study. Failing the test under normal circumstances is bad enough, but to do so after being warned is just abominable.
I should have dropped her off at her house immediately, erased her number from my phone, and avoided her like the plague... but instead I decided to sink two years of my life into a relationship with her. But I'm not bitter about it though because it taught me a valuable lesson. Which is of course, that there is a direct correlation between my propensity to make poor decision and the shapeliness of the girl's ass I'm trying to woo.
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16 comments:
Ah, the classic car door test...I also remember it from the movie A Bronx Tale.
Regarding my own personal "Date Test"...I am assuming you mean the kind that filters out good girls for long term desires...because my other test is very different. ;-)
Hmmm...well...here are real turn offs for me, in no particular order.
1. If she is pro-choice. There is something wrong, IMHO, with a woman who finds it easy to abort her own child.
2. If she is older than me...mainly because I feel like I got robbed in the deal.
3. If she doesn't get along with her parents...my general rule is how she treats her parents will be how she, eventually, will treat you.
4. I really dont like "fighter" girls...you know the ones, the ones that are quick to fight, too ghetto, abrasive types.
5. Girls that do drugs...even weed...maybe its cuz it brings me back to where I grew up and all the stereotypes therein...but its a huge turn off for me. Has nearly caused previous relationships to brake.
6. A girl that doesn't like BJ's. Seriously...its a big deal. :-)
7. A stubborn woman...compromise is good..but sticking to what doesnt work just because is really annoying.
8. Dumb.
9. Grew up too spoiled. I've dated girls who have said, "I need to have maids when I get married...cuz I don't do cleaning, cooking, etc". Another example: A friend of mine lives in a two story GORGEOUS house in Palos Verdes...an area comparable to Beverly Hills in wealth. You can see the ocean from his window. Yet his girl said she could never live in a house like that. Its too small.
10. Though not a full turn off... I am very suspect about woman who cry too much - even by women standards.
I have more but these are some of the main ones.
Ooh, I like this topic.
My mom's family always had dogs growing up. If she brought a boy home and the dog didn't get along with him, she'd send the guy packing. Because seriously, there's something wrong with you if a dog doesn't trust you!
I *would* use my horses as a litmus test - any guy that wants to date me should be willing to go to the barn, kiss my horses' noses, and not freak out about the poop everywhere. Unfortunately, Mike has a legit excuse (allergies that would kill him) so I can't put him up to this test.
HP- that's a pretty good list there. A couple of comments:
1. What if a girl says she's pro-choice from a political standpoint, but that personally, she couldn't have one? That's what just about every girl I've ever dated has said.
3. I really like this parent thing... I also like to check out how many, if any, life long friends a girl has... is she capable of keeping a non-family relationship for a long time? or do her friends only last for a year or two before they bail out or get pushed aside?
4. In theory I always plan to avoid that kind of girl but in reality I'm attracted to them. I've always liked opinionated women who aren't afraid to bring out their ghetto side... of course they have to be able to put it away too.
6. strongly agree... BUT at the same time she has to make you work for it, at least for the first time... if a girl is too willing to do it then right away that sets off alarms in my head. [NOTE: this is for a girl you're interested in for a long term relationship, for a girl you're just messing around with their enthusiasm is a major, major bonus]
We could probably make a really good list for girls you just want to hook up with... or better yet, a flow chart to show the thought process of a typical guy as he's deciding whether a girl is "girl friend material" or "hook up material."
Lauren- Dogs are a good test... Also, what do you mean by "freak out" about the poop... I think I could go without complaining about the poop, but I would have to at least mention or joke about it.
I mean...I don't expect the guy to go frolicking in the manure pile. But if he comes to the barn for the first time and acts like it's going to kill him to be within 30 feet a horse taking a dump, I lose my temper. Man up, it's not going to hurt you! I seriously can't hide my disgust for guys (or girls) that are prissy about this stuff.
I thought of another "test" that I kind of don't want to admit - if it's cold and the guy offers me his jacket (without me saying I'm cold or asking for it). I hate myself for this one because I know it's not fair for him to be cold just because I forgot to bring a coat. But seriously, a guy who is attentive enough to notice you're cold and generous enough to give you his coat? That's a keeper.
interesting topic!! INDEED!!
HP, You made good points!!i totally agree with you on the whole parent stuff!!
For me a big red flag is when a guy constantly is buying me roses and stuffed animals. That's a huge turn off for me...it only tells me that the guy is very insecure and is trying to make it up by buying me. All i need is a kiss for me to know that you care.
AND i don't have a dog but i do have a cat and if Kachito doesn't like the guy i'm dating there has to be a good reason for that!!!
I could do the "pro-choice but personally against it thing"...IMHO, if thats their view, they are already more than half way towards the pro-life side...a couple conversations with me and they'll usually be much more pro-life than previously assumed. That test is really to root out the extreme pro-choicers. I don't know how it is where you live, but living in California you get alot of the extreme "Ive had a couple of abortions and I'm okay with that" types. A big turn off to me.
A really close friend of mine, someone I could honestly say has a better grasp of human nature than I do, insists that a woman be passionate about something. Anything. It could be their nephews, collecting stamps, ambition ... just something. He says a girl without passion is a girl with no conviction - a girl that will eventually cheat on you.
I don't know if he is right but it makes sense at some level and like I said, he is better at this stuff than I am.
Regarding #4, I didn't mean to imply opinionated woman. I like that ... to some degree... my point was true ghetto women. The ones that when pushed in a club want to get into a fight. I'm all about fighting for a womans honor when necessary but that shouldn't be an everyday thing.
Those are the type of girls I dated until my last couple years of college. Once I made the switch I never looked back! Alot of the girls I've dated post have been successful opinionated woman...but certainly not fighters.
Another one I forgot to mention was that I am really into women from strong healthy families. I come from a broken home and the last thing I want is someone who is the same - were just doomed for failure. This is actually a hard one for me though because alot of my instincts are for the broken home woman. I get the "Captain save a hoe" mentality and I have to mentally work against that instinct.
Regarding the other lists - I completely agree. In fact, I have a list for all sorts of objectives. I have physical appearance requirements (even the whole "look at how her mother looks" test), a list for, as you say, "hook up material" and of course, even a list of how men should act - a "how to guide" for men that want to improve their personality, sex life, and overall image to get more women. I pass this stuff on to a select group of people...right now, mainly my younger (21 yrs old) cousin, my apprentice, who I am grooming to carry on the family name (he is even studying engineering in school).
Of course alot of that stuff can't be posted in a comments section. It's too sexist, piggish, and materialistic - though I would say extremely realistic. But one of these days, if I ever make it over to the east coast, we can talk about it over beers! Trust me, if you think I am passionate about politics...I am even more passionate about human nature and to some degree relationships. :-)
ah, sonrisa mi amor... we are so in tune on this whole flower thing. I have never understood why so many women put such a high value on flowers. Guys who resort to flowers everytime they screw up or want to impress are just lazy. As you know, I'm a once or twice a year flower guy. Anything more than that and you cheapen the effect.
Also, I agree about trusting kachito. I remember you dated some guy a couple years back (it sounds funny to say that... have we really been blogging that long?) and anyway, kachito didn't like the guy, and then if memory serves me correct the guy ended up being an emotional wreck... so kachito was right!
HP- I've been trying to pass knowledge down as well. I have a couple of nephews that are both in college right now and just starting to think about long term relationships with girls... and of course, they're fucking it all up!
as for the other stuff, we definitely need to tip back a few beers and swap stories if you're ever in DC or I'm ever in Cali.
Oh wow...totally agree about the roses. A guy I work with was going out on a first date and was all excited because he decided he was going to bring the girl flowers. Nothing I said could convince him that this was a terrible idea and would make the girl think he's a loser. I mean, if it was me I'd immediately start wondering what was wrong with him, when was the last time he was out with a female??
Lauren:
CONFESSION - When I was like 20 years old I went out on a first date with a girl I had been friendly with for a while whom I viewed as serious girlfriend material... I had recently started working my first real "career" type job and so I decided that I needed to be in a serious relationship. This girl had just graduated from college and was an elementary school teacher. She was WAY diferent from any of the normal ghetto girls I'd ever dated... In short, I was out of my league and in over my head... Nobody had ever told me how to pursue a proper girl before.
The only advice my dad had ever given me on dating was (and I'm dead serious about this) "treat a 'lady' like a 'whore' and a 'whore' like a 'lady' and you'll never go wrong..."
so as you can see, my dad's advice wasn't going to cut it in this situation... Moe Greene had never really dated a "classy" girl either so with no one to really turn to, my basic strategy was to try and do what the protaganist in a romantic comedy might do...which is to say, pull out all the stops, be over-the-top romantic, and try to make the girl fall in love on the first date.
I know that sounds incredibly stupid now, but seriously, up until then, the date routine I had for the type of girls I had been with was "let's get some liqour and weed and mess around in the back of my car in the mall parkng lot"... again, this was uncharted territory for me...
So anyway, I went all out... I dressed up, we went to an italian place, there was a walk around the lake next to baker park, I even managed to surprise her with flowers and a teddy bear in the middle of the date... it was AWFUL!
Thankfully I was able to learn from my mistake and I never again employeed the "romantic comedy" approach again. Hopefully your co-workers date will go as bad as mine did and he'll learn something.
Now let me tell you...I have dated a lot of losers in my time. Most of them have been either bad boys whom my parents would NEVER approve of me dating, some were addicted to anything that you watered and "grew".....And then there were others that well, just were not my type, but I "dated" them anyways.
Not many of them bought me flowers for no reason, and most of them did not treat me very well. I still stuck around--WHY? I dont have a clue....My friends would always tell me, you can do better....
So....I remember in high school, this one guy asked me for my number, and we met at the mall, he was with his friend, I was with my friend. We all just sat around, and talked...Then he took me home, and he was one of the sweetest guys that I have ever been out on a date with..ever!!! My friend once again told me, you can do better. But there was something about this guy that made me hang on to his number, or his email address. So years pass, and I manage to get in contact with this person again. I was having problems in my current relationship, and suprise, suprise, I get flowers at work with a teddy bear (which was just adorable!), and I FREAK out.....I call him and yell at him, asking him WHY he sent me flowers...Only to realize that it was just a friendly gesture to brighten my day. Do I regret not giving this guy a chance, yes.......Only because today he is one of the sweetest people I know...I am sure that if I called him in the middle of the night, he would come get me, where ever I was at. If I needed a shoulder to cry on, he would meet me and let me cry. If I needed someone to vent to, he would be there.....He has moved on, as have I, but I know that deep down in my heart, and deep down in his heart, something special was there at one point in our lives.
He was one of the perfect guys that when they do open doors for you, or give you flowers, or treat you good, you always think that they are doing it to "get in your pants". Some are, and well, as we grow older and wiser, we realize that some were just nice guys.
Man, I could make a list that goes on forever. There is one thing that is a definite make or break for me though. It drives me crazy when a girl plays hard to get, and not in a good way. If you're interested, be honest and mature about it, don't act like you're in seventh grade again and pretend I have cooties. I have a hard enough time picking up on any subtle hints that a girl might give when they are interested in me. I basically go under the assumption that unless you take off your clothes and sit on me, then you want nothing to do with me. So stringing me along isn't going to help your case at all.
And #6 on HP's list is CRUCIAL. nothing can kill a relationship faster than boredom in the bedroom.
Aw Joel. That makes me so sad!
Dad's advice is amazing though. It holds a terrifying amount of truth.
I failed the car door test once. And then the guy told me about it as soon as I'd failed. We didn't date that long (though we'd keep in touch...).
However, after that, I made sure to open the lock. ;)
I've been trying to think about these "tests" and I don't know if I have them. Most of the stuff just falls in line with what I find attractive in a man. Is he smart? Kind? Funny? A good dancer? Liberal? Etc.
The close I can get to a test would be the following:
1. Has he seen and does he like the Sandlot (or High Fidelity)?
2. Is he passionate about music? And if so, is there an overlap between his choice and music and mine (not completely compatible, but definitely overlap). Guys who are not passionate about music just bore me.
I've always passed the car door test. What can i say, my 52 year old father always opens the door for my mother, for my sister and for me.
Unfortunately, I've dated guys who dont know how to open doors to save their lives!
Selfish bastards!
Oh My! HP's list :-) is.. well,LONG! hahaha I had a friend who would use the shoe test. If his shoes were clean than he was a good catch. She divorced her first husband. Obviously that test didn't work out so well for her ;-)
Cindy- I am shocked, shocked that you of all people would fail the door test! I would never think that about you. I feel like I just found out you have a weekend coke habit or that you're a closet republican... wow... just wow...
and I can't really give you credit for passing the test later on because, as you pointed out, you had already been tipped off.
As far as the music goes, poeple who don't have a passion for music make me suspicious in general. I also don't know if I could date anyone who's not into books.
CAD- I remember reading something recently about you liking that somebody didn't open your door! I knew it was BS when I read it, like you were trying to convine yourself that you were okay with it.
I was big on opening doors when I first dated Morena... it pretty much stopped once we moved in together. I still open her mother's door though. But only cause she's old.
Julissa- wow, the clean shoe test is a new on for me... did he always have to have clean shoes, or just when they went out on a date? regardleess, like you said, didn't really work out for her anyway...
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