World's Greatest Tour Guide

My attention was averted from the book I was reading by the menacing voice of Crazy Guy…

Crazy Guy was middle aged with a graying mini-afro. He was wearing a brown wrinkled suit that had seen better days. There were small holes starting to form around his knees. On his feet were what appeared to be a relatively new pair of bowling shoes.

He wasn’t quite yelling, but he was speaking louder than appropriate to the man sitting in front of him. He was missing most of his teeth.

Despite the volume behind his words I couldn’t quite make out what he was saying. The train was making too much noise, plus I was seated about three rows too far from the action.

Everyone around him looked uncomfortable; their eyes fixed straight ahead trying to avoid the possibility of any accidental eye contact.

I could tell he was angry about something but I got the impression that his anger wasn't directed towards anyone in particular- he was just angry in general.

At the next stop a couple of passengers, including the man sitting in front of Crazy Guy, decided they had heard enough and got off the train.

When the train started to move again he turned around and continued his rant to the man seated behind him… He was now waving a folded up newspaper in his hand. At first I thought the paper just happened to be in his hand but then he started pointing to a picture on the front page and I knew it was actually a visual aid for his "lecture."

The man behind him just kept nodding in agreement with whatever ‘crazy guy’ was saying. I could tell he was afraid. He probably wished he had gotten off at the previous stop as well. I think the picture may have been of a football player, but Crazy Guy never stopped waving his hands around long enough for me to be sure.

It will have to remain a mystery however, because at the next stop ‘crazy guy’ got off the train. All the passengers started exchanging looks that seemed to convey the same message: “Wow that guy was fucking crazy!”

They were all glad to be rid of them. You could feel the passengers let out a collective sigh of relief. Everyone was now happy… except me that is... I love hearing Crazy Guy rants.

A couple years ago I was walking down the street behind a different Crazy Guy with long gray dreadlocks. He was sporting a camouflage army surplus type of outfit and yelling about a conspiracy he had uncovered.

Everyone on the sidewalk -- and we’re talking about a busy sidewalk -- quickly dispersed. Most crossed to the other side of the street, some just made abrupt turns… I decided to speed up and get closer! I took off my headphones. As a rule, when a crazy homeless guy with long gray dreadlocks starts making a speech, I make sure I give him my undivided attention.

Amazingly enough, his conspiracy somehow managed to involve Connie Chung, Strom Thurmond, and former DC Mayor Sharon Pratt Kelly. He never really explained what the conspiracy entailed, just that these people were out to get him… but one thing was for sure, he wasn't going to let them run his life anymore!

As we continued our journey it became apparent that the man thought he was giving a guided tour. Every half-block or so he would turn around and do that walk backwards thing that tour guides always do… I got the impression that in his mind he had a large group walking with him, even though I was the only member of his little “tour”.

At one point I had to make the decision to either continue following him or make a turn to get to my original destination… I kept following, and I’m glad I did. We only went a couple more blocks when he abruptly stopped at Stanton Park, just a few blocks east of Union Station. “...and this is where all the SHIT... GOES... DOWN!!!!” he yelled for everyone to hear.

I thought he was going to say something else or perhaps continue to the next stop of the tour- but he didn’t... Instead he looked directly at me as if to say, “What do you think?”

I replied with the only thing I could think of, “FUCK Connie Chung!”

The man nodded his head in affirmation, gave me a fist pound, and then proceeded to walk back down Capitol Hill. The show was over. It was a a performance worthy of a standing ovation, but sadly, I was the only one to hear it.

I thought of all the people that had crossed the street to get away. They didn’t want to hear what he had to say… Most people want to put guys like that in a hospital and shoot them full of drugs, but you know what I think???

I think that if the Smithsonian people had any balls what-so-ever they would track that guy down and hire him- cause he was the best damn tour guide I've ever seen!