Moving Woes

I spent the long weekend moving furniture. We moved to a new apartment which is located three buildings away from the old one. On the surface that sounds like it should have made for an easy move, but it actually made things worse. Because we were going somewhere so close we never bothered to pack anything, or prepare for the move at all. We didn't start taking it seriously until it was too late.

Which brings me to the next problem with moving somewhere so close... it was too close to use a car or truck, but too far to be able to comfortably carry things by hand. Think back to the last time you moved... Imagine that instead of having the moving truck parked conviniently in front of your residence, picture it parked two blocks away. Two blocks is a long way to walk with a couch on your back.

After carrying a couple of heavy pieces of furniture I found myself trying to make arguments to my wife like, "do we really need to have a dresser in the bedroom?"

To make matters worse, the good people at Comcast won't be able to show up at the new place until Friday afternoon... so I've got no cable and no internet. If it wasn't for my iPhone I think I'd be suicidal right now.

Sangria Summer

Before I hand over “Joel’s Top Secret Sangria” recipe, let me start with a little background. Sangria is a homemade, alcoholic fruit drink, based mainly on red wine (although I have seen some white wine recipes). It has its origins in Spain, but almost every country and culture has its own version. I think most people reading this blog probably know what sangria is, but I just wanted to be sure before I subject you to nearly 1,000 words on the subject.

My first Sangria experience came at a party four or five years back. My wife’s best friend is married to a guy from Oaxaca. His name is Jose (no really!) and every year there is a big party to celebrate his birthday. Something notable always happens… One year it was the chapulines (fried grasshoppers) which I blogged about, one year his nephew Pechuga got into a fight and knocked over the cake, last year I had my mezcal incident (which will not be discussed), and of course there was the year Jose introduced me to his uncle’s Sangria.

He told me it was just a harmless homemade wine… I cautiously tried it. I could taste some alcohol, but it really just tasted the way he had described it… an innocent, homemade wine; a little on the sweet side, but I liked it. I ended up having seven or eight glasses in a little over an hour. I felt okay until I stood up to go to the bathroom and suddenly had no control over my balance. At first I thought my alcohol tolerance had really slipped, but then later Jose told me that his uncle’s Sangria consisted of almost 7 different liquors. The joke was on me, and the rest of the night was a blur. I loved that the drink tasted as good as a fruity mixed drink, yet I could drink it without being embarrassed or losing manhood points.

I’ve since become obsessed with trying to develop my own perfect Sangria blend. Jose’s uncle has offered to show me how he makes his version, but I always decline the invitation. I don’t want to make Jose’s uncle’s Sangria, and I want my own recipe.

Over the past few years I’ve tried nearly a dozen variations, all with different degrees of success. I’ve never been able to get something quite as good as that first sangria... It seems like mine is either sweet but not strong enough, or too strong and not sweet enough. But my experimentation has taught me one valuable lesson:

“It’s nearly impossible to screw up Sangria.”

People drink Sangria to get drunk... or at least get a strong buzz. So it's not rocket science. If you put in enough alcohol, you'll get the job done. This isn’t about relaxing with a glass of wine at dinner. This is about making people get happy and dumb. You serve it at backyard BBQ’s or summer parties that last late into the night.

You throw in a bunch of liquor. You serve it as cold as you can get it. And you keep serving it until someone falls over while trying to dance or threatens someone with a knife.

Something else I love about Sangria is the pride factor. Its something you make on your own the night before, and then you spend the entire day excited for everyone to try your Sangria. Nothing can top watching someone get progressively drunker and drunker, slurring their words, and then eventually puking off the balcony because your drink was just that good!

So anyway, this is the latest, most refined version of my Sangria… it’s always adapting and changing, and it varies based on what fruit or liquor I might have around the house. But if I was making a batch of Sangria tonight, this is how I would do it:

Ingredients

- Two bottles of Red Wine… I use Cabernet Sauvignon because it’s not too sweet. With all the fruit and sugar you’ll be adding later, you don’t need any extra sweetness. You also shouldn’t waste any money on getting a good wine. Buy the cheap stuff because you won’t be able to tell the difference.

- One bottle of light or “clear” rum. If you use dark rum you risk overwhelming the fruit.

- One bottle of light fruit flavored rum. I use Parrot Bay which comes in Pineapple, Passion Fruit, or Coconut flavor. Any of those flavors will work, but it depends on your personal taste.

- Fruit… I try to include a diced green apple, a banana or two, and a cup or so of diced strawberries... But again, be creative with it… I like to pair the Pineapple flavored rum with a small can of diced pineapples. I’ve also used lemons, limes, oranges, grapes, cherries, and even mango. Whatever you've got, dice it up and throw it in.

- One half-gallon of fruit punch.

- One cup of sugar.

Steps

[1] Dump all the diced fruit into your jug, pitcher, pot, cooler, or whatever you plan on using to prepare your Sangria.

[2] Pour in wine, stir.

[3] Pour in liquor, stir.

[4] Pour in fruit punch, stir.

[5] Stir in sugar.

[6] Chill for 24 hours.

And that’s it… some people like to add in gin, bourbon, or some other liquors, and that’s okay, but I’ve found that there isn’t much noticeable difference between the complicated recipes and the simplified ones.

Let me say again, you really can’t screw this up… So, don’t be afraid to try different things. As long as you have the wine and the fruit, swapping different types of liquors won’t hurt. Figure out what you like, keep it cold, and enjoy!

Unleashing the Beast

Here's why I know I'll always be fat... I simply love eating too much to do it at a reasonable level. When I really want something I throw out all rational thought, basic reasoning, and decision making ability... Whether we're talking about food, sexual attraction, or consumer goods, my basic train of thought goes like this: "I want it... I need it... I must have it... I will do whatever I have to do to get it..."

I skipped lunch yesterday... I was planning on having a large meal that night to critique for my weekly LFFL review, so I put off eating in order to wet my appetite. As it turns out, that was a bad idea.

Everything went as planned until about 5 pm. That's when I went out to purchase the meal I was supposed to review. I had already set up the area I planned on using to photograph the food; I even laid out paper and a pen on a nearby table so I could take notes as I ate... but somewhere in between getting the food in my car and getting home, I lost control of myself.

As soon as the enticing aroma of the food met up with my neglected appetite, it was already too late. I devoured the food right there in the car, before I was even halfway home. I forgot about the pictures, the notes, the entire review process! I wasn't human, I was an animal.

So there is no LFFL this week... but next week should be pretty easy. My sangria post is basically ready to go, and luckily, I haven't forgotten the details of the sandwich I basically date-raped on the way home last night... so it should just be a matter of taking a couple of pictures to complete that review. I'll just have to keep in mind what an impulissive pig I am as I plan out my review day next week.

For Your Troubles...

I meant to write a post yesterday... I've been planning on posting some tips for making sangria along with my personal recipe, but I keep forgetting to bring the recipe with me when I leave the house in the morning.

So anyway, I appologize for that and I'm 90% sure I'll be posting a LFFL review for tomorrow. But for now I thought I'd leave you all with this consultation picture since I have no real post to give:

I've found that clevage is the best form of apology.

Life in the Fast (food) Lane

I could write a 5,000 word post about all bad things McDonald's does. They screw up your order, their employees have a bad attitude, the burgers never seem to come out right, the bathrooms are disgusting, they made America fat, etc... but the truth of the matter is, its really easy to attack someone on top... People could make many of the same complaints about Taco Bell, Wendy's, or any other fast food chain, but they never do. Why? Because they're not on top.

Co-workers don't turn a long lunch break into an hour and half bitch session about the guy in the mail department... they bitch about their boss... Comedians don't base an entire set around the incompetence of a city council member, they joke about the shortcomings of the president... It's the same with fast food... We spend so much time blaming the evils of fast food and globalization on McDonald's, that we tend to ignore or forget all the good stuff.

But if you've got the munchies at 4 am on a Tuesday night, who are you gonna turn to? If you're on a road trip with 5 different people who can't agree on anything, where are you gonna stop for lunch? If your kid is hungry and full of energy but you've only got an hour to spare, where are you gonna take them? If you find yourself hungry and driving through an unfamiliar area, who's sign are you looking for off in the distance? Need a neutral location to make the weekend kid exchange with your evil ex-wife... guess who's there for you?

Or how about when you're really hungry but only have $5 in your pocket? Where are you gonna eat lunch?

Its with that last question in mind that I have put together my latest, "Life in the Fast (food) Lane," entry. Of course, the best way to stretch your fast food dollar is, obviously, the dollar menu. And who invented the dollar menu? McDonald's of course... That evil corporation!

They created the dollar menu in 2002 and have basically re-revolutionized the world of fast food, something they have done many times over. They have the best idea, and they have them way before anyone else. It's why they're #1.

Now, every national fast food chain has their own version of the dollar menu, to varying degrees of success. Some items are better than others, but after 7 years, McD's still offers the best top-to-bottom dollar menu options.

Currently, the dollar menu looks something like this:

Double Cheeseburger (actually it's been replaced by the McDouble which is the same sandwich with one slice of cheese instead of two?)

McChicken Sandwich

Four Piece Nuggets

Small Fries

Two Apple Pies

Sweet Tea

Small Soda

Bottled Water

Hot Fudge Sunday

Fruit and Yogurt Parfait

Some Salad Thing

Sure, there are dollar menus out there that might have one or two items that compare favorably, but unless you've got the time and energy to swing by multiple fast-food locations in one lunch break, you can't find a better total menu to build your meal.

For me, the best combination is simple... 2 McChickens, 1 Four-Piece Nugget, 1 Sweet Tea.

The key here is asking for Big-Mac sauce on the McChicken sandwiches. The normal McChicken is good, but when you add on the Mac sauce you push things to another level.... we're talking greatness.

When I was first told me about adding Mac sauce, I was skeptical. First of all, I hate being the guy who has to add something special to his order... If you're in the passenger seat while I'm navigating the drive-thru and you tell me something like "I was the #4 but with no mayo and I want extra pickles," I'll either flat out ignore you or tell you to go inside and order it. I feel like such an asshole asking for something speical. The second reservation I had about the Mac sauce addition was the general incompetent of the McDonald's employee. Adding any degree of difficulty to the order process is a dangerous thing.

But surprisingly, when you ask for Mac sauce on your sandwich, there is no, "you want to do what?" reaction... Apparently people do it all the time. I've never had a problem getting it added on, and they usually don't even charge me extra. Sometimes they'll throw in a $0.20 extra charge, but usually, it's free. So go ahead and give it a try. I can't recommend it enough. You'll thank me later.

As for the nuggets... I'm an addict. That's my favorite item on their menu, has been since I was a kid. As good as the fries are, if you give me the option of taking the nuggets I'll take them every time. I have no issue with anyone who prefers the fries, I'm just not capable of saying no to chicken nuggets. I usually go with "hot mustard" sauce but occasionally like to mix in "sweet 'n sour," I feel like changing things up.

I feel the same about the sweet tea as I do about the nuggets... It's my favorite drink option on the menu, so making it available for a buck is a no brainer for me. I've told the story before, but I basically lived with Moe Greene every summer from the ages of 10-17. His mom's sweet tea tastes exactly like the tea from McDonald's. Taking a sip is like being transported back to my childhood. The only issue with the tea is that they often put in too much or not enough ice, and ice is a pretty important variable in sweet tea.

I bought my meal yesterday from the McDoanld's at the intersection of New Hampshire Ave and Randolph Rd in Silver Spring, MD. My usual McDonald's is on Georgia Ave right next to the Glenmont Metro stop, but lets just say there was an "incident" there and I'm now in the market for a new "go-to" McDonald's... The one I bought this meal from is close by and on my way home, but the intersection is really complicated. Getting to their drive-thru requires passing the restaurnat by about a half mile and then making an awkward u-turn. Good service, but that u-turn is a pain in the ass, so my search will have to continue.

As always, the meal was flawless... it's really hard to screw up dollar menu orders, and that Mac sauce really does add a whole new dimention to the McChicken.

Overall, I give the meal a 9/10 rating. The food is good quality for fast food, you won't walk away from the table hungry, and you can get it all for under $5. What more can you ask for? This is why McDonald's will always be the king!

The Journal of a Pig

The ear buds for my iPhone crapped out last week. I think it had something to do with listening to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks at high levels to drown the sound of the subway. Regardless, they're no longer functional and with school, work, and jury duty getting in the way of everything, I haven't been able to purchase a new pair yet.

That means I've had nothing to listen to during my commute to and from work. I find that if I read an actual book on the subway I tend to space out and miss my stop. I'm not much of a magazine guy either, so I've been trying my best to make do with my Blackjack and Sudoku on my phone but there is only so much of that I can take before I get bored... So this morning, I decided to break out my trusty journal.

If you recall, I went on exhaustive internet search to find the right journal for me. I finally settled on the moleskine.

Anyway, it has served me faithfully since October of 2007. It's been dropped, stepped on, lost on at least one occasion that I can recall, been the victim of a devastating milk incident, and even been used as a weapon of mass destruction against the occasional insect intruder... it contains everything thing from sangria recipes to my experiences from El Salvador and Honduras.

As much as I love my journal, I tend to neglect it for weeks (sometimes even months) at a time. But the benefit to that neglect is that when come back to it and flip through the pages, I find entries that I only have a vague recollection of writing. It's a little like bumping into a long forgotten acquaintance.

This morning was no exception. I found two very similar entries written in January of this year. They were both written while on the subway, and both do a very good job of showing what sexist pigs men really are... or at least what a pig I really am.

The first one was about how I found myself sitting next to a crazy woman on the metro. She was praying out loud to Jesus, asking him to forgive her for using his name in vain. This went on for several stops. At one point she actually began to argue with either Jesus or herself that what she had done wasn't technically a sin because she had only thought the sinful utterance but not actually verbalized it.

Apparently she ended up getting off at the same stop as me and I found myself walking behind her. Once we got onto the escalator, she got into some sort of confrontation with an innocent bystander. The woman was obviously insane and probably dangerous... What was the grand conclusion I came to at the end of the that event?

I wrote: "for a crazy subway woman, she had a surprisingly nice ass..."

The second story --written just two days later-- had me sitting near a Muslim woman in a full burqa... The kind where all you can see is the eyes... The woman got a call on her cell phone and decided to put the phone inside the burqa so she could take the call. During the process of putting the phone in the burqa, 75% of her face became visible to me for a half-second.

What did I write about? Was it the about the injustice of men misconstruing religious material to oppress women and force them to cover their faces from the world? Was it about the uncomfortable reaction of other passengers to sitting near a fundamentalist Muslim on mass transportation? Was it about the startling contrast of old-world values and new-age technology? Nope... all I wrote was: "she was actually pretty hot under that burqa. It's probably a good thing she's wearing it or I might have tried to hit on her..."

Yep... I actually wrote those words down on paper.

Anyway, be sure and stop by tomorrow for the latest, "Life in the Fast (food) Lane," when I build my favorite dollar menu lunch combination.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

I know you're all probably wondering where I've been all week... There's been no "Life in the Fast (Food) Lane" update, no "Film Vault Tuesday," no posting at all actually.

You look back over the past few weeks and probably assume I've been busy with school and thus a little neglectful with FITS... it's a logical conclusion and so I couldn't blame you for making that assumption. But of course the truth of the matter is, this is what I've actually been doing over the last few weeks:

That's right, I've been off tending to the needs of African babies again... so before you go making asses of people with your wild assumptions, just know that I was off doing god's work. I'm basically Mother Teresa, only hung like a donkey... well, hung like a donkey in comparison to Mother Teresa at least.

But I must admit, I wasn't only there to touch lives, pass out shoes, give medical advice, and provide villages with access to clean water supplies... I was also out scouting locations for a future cult compound!

I've been reading a lot lately about Jim Jones... no, not the Harlem rapper...

...but the former cult leader who led his followers to Guyana. Once there, they established "Jonestown," and lived a peaceful life of tranquility as they built a community and searched for inner peace... and oh yeah, there was that little mass suicide thing too...

Anyway, I've decided that what this blog is really missing is a cult... not just a "cult following", but an actual cult where people would be forced to read everything I write or potentially face the wrath of god. Nothing like the threat of eternity in hell to provide proper motivation.

In my research of cults and cult leaders, I've come across several discoveries along the way that I think will help us avoid some of the mistakes past cults have made. I've narrowed the list down to three keys for running a cult:

1] No government interference... If the Waco incident taught us anything (you know, aside from 'you probably shouldn't refuse to let the ATF follow through on a search warrant', 'it's a bad idea to shoot federal agents', and 'never engage in a gun battle when your compound is full of flammables and explosives') its that you can't build your compound in US territory. The government is always going to be stopping by, wanting to make sure you aren't stockpiling guns for a revolution, or holding people against their will... they're real pesky like that.

So Jim Jones was on the right track by leaving the country... but he screwed up when he invited the US Congressman down to check things out. You invite a politician down and next thing you know he's talking a handful of your followers into going back home with him, and you're left with no choice but to have them all whacked.

So again, anytime the government gets involved in your cult, things tend to get messy.

2] Have a really good pair of tinted glasses. Not sun glasses, but prescription glasses that you have tinted. Like:

You can't be a cult leader unless you own extravagant eye wear.

3] Leave the kids alone... and this is the biggest point of my research. Just about every successful cult leader follows a similar path... They start off by letting their followers know that they're in regular contact with god. God doesn't just send them a sign, or leave subtle hints; god actually talks to them... Next they tell their people that the reason god is in such frequent contact with them, is because they are, in fact, the son of god. It makes sense. Do you think god would be spending so much time with someone who wasn't related to them? He's a busy dude...

Finally, once they've been able to convince everyone that they speak with god, and that god is their father, it's finally time to "spread god's seed..." Before anyone can even muster a protest they've knocked up all the attractive single cult members and half the married ones! They always do this.

Some people might say that the cult leader is pressing his luck or perhaps gone too far at this point... but I disagree... What's the point of having an entire congregation of followers if all you're not going to take advantage of them sexually? Any dime-a-dozen TV evangelist can talk lonely women into handing over their savings, but only the truly gifted can get them to drop their panties!

Where the cult leader goes too far is when they start "deflowering" virgins... I just don't get that... with all the willing, adult recipients of "god's seed" that you've got to choose from on the compound, do you really need to go for the kids too? That's what took down David Koresh, Warren Jeff, and Jim Jones... you start making moves on the 15 year old's and people get all up in arms. Next thing you know you've got congressman making official inquires, and law enforcement planning raids. At that point the party is over and you've gotta start mixing the cyanide or lighting fires... And that's not how I want to go out...

The risk vs reward factor is just not there.

So those are my keys to a successful cult... And I promise, in the "Farting in the Shower" cult compound we'll have no alarm clocks or early wake up calls... nobody will have to dress up or wear uncomfortable shoes... nobody will have to pull kitchen or garden duty for more than a week at a time... we'll have movie night at least once a week... there will be no kid touching... I'll only spend a little of your money on hookers and drugs... I'll wear the kick ass cult leader glasses... I'll find a nice warm tropical location... of course, I'll update the blog everyday... and my Kool-Aid will never contain a lethal amount of cyanide!