The New Ashley

About a year ago a coworker that I had grown to like told me he was leaving our office. He was working on a temp-to-hire basis doing clerical type stuff and so I certainly wasn't shocked that he was leaving, but like I said, I had grown to like him very much. Not only was he the only guy at my work that could talk soccer, but he once worked a summer as a Black Jack dealer in Atlantic City! We never ran out of things to talk about. So, I took the news of his departure rather poorly.

And then I found that his replacement was a girl fresh out of college named Ashley. Suddenly I was able to cope with the loss of my friend a lot easier.

Ashley is one of those names where you just know the person attached to it will be attractive. I immediately envisioned the kind of sultry young vixen that would leave me tongue tied and longing for the days bachelorhood. I don't know if it's possible to have a crush on someone before you've met them, but I had developed something close to that a full week and half before "Ashley" even stepped foot in our office.

Moe Greene and I even had a long discussion about what Ashley would look like? (Judd or Simpson?) and what other names fell under that category of "names of girls you know will be hot"? (Monica, Amber, Heather, Tyra).

So you can imagine the profound disappointment I felt when I arrived at work one Monday morning to find not a hot Ashley, but an Ashley that had a striking resemblance to The Notorious B.I.G... and if that wasn't enough, her voice was deeper than mine, she smoked Marlboro Reds, and she had a nasty habit of wearing jeans that exposed her plumbers crack!


I immediately called Moe Greene and was, I'm now sad to say, beside myself with anger that this girl would have the audacity to get my hopes up and then show up to work with a name like Ashley and be... her...

As soon as I released my anger I felt guilty... and of course she turned out to be a wonderful person. She was intelligent, funny, and damn good at her job to boot. Within a week we all realized how crappy a job my soccer friend had done. Everything ran smoother with Ashley holding down his old job... And as if she had somehow known how disappointed I was in her not living up to her name she proceeded to loose about 30 pounds, quit smoking, discover makeup and get hair extensions. She was like a makeover story come to life... Of course she never did quite shake that habit of showing plumbers crack, but nobodies perfect. Ashley won me over and every time I think back to my initial reaction to her I cringe with guilt.

When she told me she'd gotten the job offer of her dreams I was happy for her but once again sad to see a friend leave... She's been replaced by a girl named Amy... An indifferent name, and I must say that, in this case, the name fits. Aside from a British accent there isn't much special about Amy so far... She certainly hasn't made me forget Ashley the way Ashley made me forget old what's his name... But I'm not going to get disappointed. She may surprise me yet.

I wonder if anyone has ever been disappointed by my name? I'm certainly nothing special to look at, but then again, Joel, isn't one of those "Ashley" names... Actually, now that I think about it, are there any guy names like that?