The Crush and The Chili-Burger Update

Yesterday I decided to try the Chili-Cheeseburger that Moe so strongly recommended to me and I'll give you my opinion on that in a minute but first I'm going to address the saga of my crush.

The great philosopher and human behaviorist Chris Rock probably summed up Man's ability to remain committed in a monogamous relationship best when he said "Men are as faithful as their options."

Obviously that's a very simplified explanation to a complicated issue but the fact remains, he was basically right. Truer words have never been spoken by a comedian.

As Rock went on to say (and I'm going to paraphrase here so as not to offend anyone), "the best a married man can do is to stop chasing [women]."

Take for example, my metro crush... I get on the metro. I sit patiently reading my book... The metro stops... My crush gets on... She walks past me and I look... We make eye contact... She knows I'm looking at her... She knows why I'm looking at her... She gives a slight grin and blushes... She wants me to know, that she knows I'm looking, and that she likes it... This is the human mating dance. In the world of dogs I imagine this would be the equivalent of sniffing each others asses.

There is a Spanish saying that goes: "Casado pero no capado", which means: "Married but not castrated." As sleazy as that sounds, it's honest... You can put a ring on my finger but I'm still going to have those urges.

Thousands of years of raw male instinct implores me to get up from my seat and pursue my crush until we end up in a sweaty post-coital embrace in the bed of some seedy motel room... All rational thought in my head comes to a screeching halt... "Lets Get it On" plays in my mental jukebox... The words splashed across the pages of my book are suddenly written in Chinese... I'm not much better than the ass sniffing dog.

But since I'm trying to be a halfway decent husband I choose to ignore my instincts and I instead remain in my seat. All I can do is stare longingly at my crush while she wonders "why aren't you pursuing me?"

And so it goes... I hate myself for having such dirty thoughts of infidelity and yet I hate myself for not acting on those same dirty thoughts. Suddenly I find myself thinking strange things like "Would it be stalking if I showed up at this woman's work?" or "Would I be betraying my marriage if I made out with this strange woman on the train every morning for the next decade or so?"

I now understand how the President of the United States can end up in a deposition video nervously sipping a Diet Coke and asking questions like "what is the legal definition of the word 'is'?" And trying to make a bizarre argument that getting a BJ in the Oval Office didn't constitute sexual relations because he wasn't touching her.

"Casado pero no capado..."

At any rate... I've decided that I won't be heading to my crush's McDonald's anytime soon but just know that I really want to... and that its not my fault.

But let's forget about marriage and human nature for a minute so we can discuss what we all really care about... Chili-Cheeseburgers!

I stopped by Checkers yesterday and picked up a couple of those burgers Moe has been raving about... [Of course I had the Chili-Cheese Fries and a bladder busting bucket of Coke as well]

And while it certainly wasn't the best burger I've ever had, it was pretty damn good... And when you factor in the bargain basement price of just $1, it can't be beat! I've had just about every Dollar Menu item at every fast food restaurant that you can think of and this is by far the best deal going.*

So I've decided to make Checkers a weekly event on my calender because, in addition to the Chili covered burger and fries, there was a very shapely young woman with big moist lips and a tongue ring working the register!

"Casado pero no capado."






*The only Dollar Menu item that even compares was the old McDonald's Chicken Biscuit which used to be a dollar until McD's decided to get greedy and change the name to the "Southern Chicken Biscuit" and double the price. They did slightly upgrade the quality of the chicken, but still I'd rather pay $1 for the old school chicken biscuit... The change ruined my mornings to the point that I contemplated cutting McDonald's out of my life completely until they started this free Coke Glass give away with any purchase of a Large Value Meal... (Thanks for the glass but I was going to order a Large Value Meal anyway, suckers!)