As I was walking to work today I thought about a couple of things I've been meaning to write about...
I tried to come up with something intelligent to say about "Sex in the City" and how the opening of the movie is seen from the male perspective... All I could come up with were 3 basic questions probably running through the minds of guys as the opening night approaches:
1. Will my significant other force me to see it?
2. Will she sleep with me if I go?
3. Will I at least get to see Kim Cattrall's boobs?
3a. Do I still want to see them? Lets be honest, she was in her mid forties during the peek of that show and now it's been like five years since they probably filmed the last episode... You do the math.
I know that's not exactly the intelligent discourse I was aiming for... The reviews so far have been pretty straight forward: If you liked the show, you'll love the movie. If you didn't, you won't... No shit. Not much I can add to that.
Traditionally the perception is that shows made into movies haven't been very good. But I have no idea if that's true, and honestly, I don't have the energy to research it. I'm sure CAD and Chanclita will let us all know since they're both planning on seeing it. Hopefully they won't drag any unwilling men to see the film, but if they do, at least have the decency to put out at the end of the night. Regardless, I sincerely hope it goes better for them than Indiana Jones went for me...
...I've once again come to the conclusion that I'm simply not ready to be a father. At least not one with a daughter.
Yesterday on the Metro two teenage girls were sitting behind me. I had my headphones on but my iPod was turned off because I was reading a book*. Because I had my headphones on I assume the girls felt it was safe to talk about personal subjects, or maybe they would have spoken freely regardless... I don't know.
The point is, they proceeded to have the most graphic and frank sexual conversation I've ever heard in my life. It was so graphic that I don't dare even type some of the things they said for fear that I'll be immediately arrested.
I could tell from their voices and vocabulary that they were from well to do, upper middle class families... In addition to sex they spoke about graduation rehearsal (where they had just spent the day) and colleges they were planning to attend (Howard University and Georgia Tech).
When we arrived at their stop they got off the train and I finally got a look at them... They were normal girls... A little on the conservative side actually. They looked like the kind of girls the neighbors might ask to house sit.
I immediately called Moe Greene who has two daughters... I wanted him to reassure me that there was some kind of wisdom or secret that you inherit once you have kids that will allow you to steer them in the right direction.
But guess what? There's no such thing! He has no more insight than I do... Steer them in the right direction? You'd have to actually know what the right direction is!
...I'm a blanket thief... I didn't know that until 2003 when I started living with Morena. When we'd get in bed at night we'd start out cuddled together under one blanket, warm and content.
But once we fell asleep, I would steal the blanket. It was completely unintentional. I'd wake up and realize that I had somehow gained sole possession of the blanket and wonder "how did that happen?"
After about two weeks of living together we compromised and began sleeping with separate blankets. Problem solved... On occasion I wake up to find that I've thrown my own blanket into the floor and stolen hers, but those are rare occasions, and for the most part our two blanket system has worked flawlessly for years.
But, every few months I'll crawl into the bed and find only one solitary blanket for the two of us. Morena will explain that she's decided we're only going to use one blanket and that I have to learn to share.
This makes no sense to me.
I've proven that I'm incapable of sharing a blanket and yet she insists on continuing this charade as if I'm a child or a puppy that can be trained or broken of a bad habit.
Last night was one of those "you have to learn to share" nights... I woke up around 1am to find that I'd been trying to cover myself with one corner of the blanket. Morena had the rest.
Frustrated and cold I took hold of my little piece and rolled over, stealing as much back as I could. We now both had an equal half of the blanket, but I wasn't satisfied. I sleep with my own blanket damn it!
I took hold of the blanket again, gripping it tightly with my fingers and knees. I rolled over once more wrapping my entire body in the entirety of the blanket.
Morena made a disapproving groan but she didn't wake up. The blanket was mine. I feel back to sleep... warm and content.
* I'm not capable of listening to headphones and reading a book at the same time. If I'm at home I can read with music playing on the stereo, but once headphones are thrown into the equation it throws me off. Is this normal?
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Farting in the Shower is a ramblingand ecclectic mix of short stories, embarrasing confessions, pictures, and fast food reviews.
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25 comments:
Mike is a blanket-stealer on occasion. It doesn't happen often but from time to time I'll wait up freezing. The worst part is, when I try to take back my half, he'll SLAP me away in his sleep. Bastard.
Oh, and all high school girls are raging whores. I was, my friends were, my classmates were, etc. It creeps me out just to think about the things we thought were normal!
Lauren- I can easily see Mike being a blanket stealer... as for your second comment, you just broke Moe Greene's heart.
Maybe if you weren't such a whore in high school, Mike would feel comfortable with you keeping some of the blanket.
Also, when Joel and I were 11-12, he was a blanket stealer. We were forced to sleep in his "uncle's" bed (sans uncle). Well, not forced, but, we had no other bed.
I'm uncomfortable.
And another thing...
All of the raging whores at TJ had boyfriends, and if you talked to them during drivers ed, you'd be threatened.
I'm pretty sure the exact warning was, "If you talk to her again, there'll be a dent in your forehead."
Guess who sat next to said girl in Chemistry the follwing year?
I remember trying to smooth that incident over and that guy was not playing around. He really wanted to put a dent into your forehead... and could have...
I would expand on that story a little more, but frankly, thinking back on it, this really deserves to be it's own blog post... it should be the next sequel in The Chronicles of Moe Greene!
Maybe I'm forgetting the story, but I thought that was pretty much it.
Moe - Hi
Girl with boobs - Hi
Boyfriend - Die
I'm going to plead no contest to the charges of "occasional blanket theft" levelled against me. However, I'd like to submit the theory that Lauren may be a blanket thief enabler. Tentatively, I'd like to label Lauren a "blanket turner". I know that term doesn't create a clear picture or establish a catalystic relationship to blanket stealing, so I'll explain.
When we fall asleep, our one blanket is evenly distributed with two corners near our heads and two corners near our feet, respectively, in perfect harmony. Occasionally, Lauren, while deep in slumber, will push aside her corner nearest her head and reach for either the corner nearest my head or the corner nearest her feet, thus turning the blanket and creating an imbalance. I believe that this "blanket turning", a well documented phenomenon, can trigger my "blanket stealing protocol" when it would otherwise remain dormant. I've been careful in cultivating this theory since we don't really know what happens while we're asleep and we only have the results to work with in order to generate an explanation, but I feel that this is a strong possibility. Thoughts or conjectures?
Hahaha...this blanket turning situation is news to me. Although it would explain those times I've been sort-of woken up by Mike yanking the blanket around.
I think I can explain. I like sleeping with my ear covered. I HATE the feeling of an unexposed ear. So naturally I have to pull up the blanket so it's meeting at a point over my head. Thus, the blanket is rotated. I had no idea I was contributing to a series of events though.
I'm removing myself from the whore conversation because I realized this is a public forum and I'm only digging myself in a hole here.
Unexposed ear?
I've never heard that one.
It's a deaf thing.
I hear you.
HA god damn HA at your ear jokes!! And yes, I realized I'm meant EXPOSED (not unexposed). That's what I get for seeing jungly.
When I was little, I had a nightmare that the Joker (from Batman) broke into my birthday party and poured poison down the ears of all my friends. I survived by hiding in the toy chest and covering my ear with my hand when he opened the lid.
Ever since then, I feel very uncomfortable with my ear out in the open while I'm asleep. You never know when that clown-faced bastard is going to come back.
Imagine what Heath Ledger will do...
lauren- was this dream before or after you started having the hearing issues? because that is the creepiest dream I've ever heard, more so when considering your circumstances... in fact you get a pass from me for trying to sleep with your ears covered.
Maybe she should just put a latex glove over her ear.
Mike has a blanket and Lauren's ear is unexposed.
Done and done.
I still haven't tried that yet... I have tried keeping my hand under the pillow cover for 3 consecutive nights and it's just not working.
Moe Greene - Perhaps you could wear a latex diaper to bed to combat your issues.
I've never shit the bed, asshole.
...I can't read and listen to music at the same time, either...
no, mr.chancla will not be dragged out to see the sex in the city movie. i already made him sit through each and every episode during that season when i high jacked the netflix queue and decided to find out what all the rage was about.
also, you might solve your blanket issues by upgrading to a bigger blanket. one couple, two seperate blankets sounds like such bad feng shui...tough it out and learn to share.
and finally, there should be a warning when moe green whips out an entry.
Chancla- the best part is, it wasn't even Moe posting the other day, it was Mike So Def, a sporadic commenter over the years who has also occasionally appeared as a character in some of my stories.
The reason I never properly introduced him was because I've been subtly trying to get him to post on the blog for about a year, and just last week decided to apply the full court press... and to my surprise and delight, it fucking worked!
I'm trying to find some way to alter the 'byline' on the blog so we can be more clear about who is posting... If my attempt should fail there is one sure fire way to tell the difference in writers- mike, as a rule, will almost always flash a higher caliber vocabulary, curse a lot fucking-less, and be way more thoughtful... but like I said, I'm trying to find a more concrete and definitive solution than that, so don't worry... and shit...
I don't know how anyone can share a bed. I advocate separate bedrooms.
regina-
I always feared that I'd never be able to sleep in bed with another person, and I still can't really sleep well if we're cuddled together. But we have a queen size bed (which I think is probably what most couples have) and there is enough space for me to spread out and not feel crowded.
But I do look forward to the day when we can get a place where I can have a room just for me... an office / video game room, but my own bedroom? Not for me.
I can't study, read or concentrate with music playing in the background. Its weird too - cuz all of my black friends growing up had to have music playing to study. Weird.
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