Knee Touch

Yesterday on the subway I accidentally touched knees with a woman sitting across from me. It was just a slight bump. It was very quick. And like I said, it was accidental.

I would have forgotten about it completely had she not shot a dirty look in my direction.

Instinctively I responded with a quick "sorry" but she turned her nose up at me and looked in the other direction.

I got the distinct feeling that she felt I had intentionally made contact with her... and that REALLY pissed me off.

I could tell she wasn't a regular subway person... regular users of public transportation understand that sometimes people bump into each other. It happens.

The woman in question was in her mid 30's I'd say. She was very tall, rail thin, with a blond dye job that she obviously hadn't been keeping up with. She was dressed like a soccer mom, and even though she was sitting only a couple feet from me, I had not noticed her up until now.

Not only was she “not my type” but I doubt she was anybodies "type". That’s not to say she was ugly, or unattractive, I’m just saying she was the last woman I would ever find myself intentionally bumping into on the subway... But apparently, despite her utter plainness, she still had such a high opinion of herself that she thought my touching of her knee with my own knee was some sort of sexual advance... That's right, she was so hot that I just couldn't resist touching her in some way, even if it was just with my knee!

I did a quick scan of all of the women in our subway car. I counted 8 others that I could see without making an effort. Two of them were elderly. One was under aged. Of the remaining five I would have ranked this woman FOURTH on the list of attractiveness.

I was outraged!

How hot would a woman have to be to cause me to lose all control of rational thought and start “accidentally” brushing up against her on the Orange Line at 2:15 on a Monday afternoon? Is there a woman in the world that carries that much sex appeal?

I don't know, but I can guarantee you that this if there is, it certainly wasn't this lady.

Confession:

When I was in 7th grade I used to go to the boy's bathroom sometimes and sniff rubber cement fumes with a friend of mine. It didn't get us high in the way that weed or any other street drug would, it just made us dizzy and confused.

For whatever reason, we liked feeling dizzy and confused.

After one of these rubber cement inhaling occasions I found myself staggering down the hallway and passed behind a girl who was bending over to open her locker.

I'd never really paid much attention to this girl but my altered state of mind combined with her provocative position caused me to suddenly take notice as I walked past her.

Without realizing what I was doing, I reached out and grabbed her ass... Well grabbed isn't the proper description- really it was more like I "touched" her ass.

I hadn't thought in my mind “I’m gong to touch that girl’s ass”, my hand just did it. And of course, as soon as it happened I was pretty freaked out. My heart was racing and I walked away as fast as I could, praying that maybe it hadn’t actually even happened. But of course, it had.

And even though I was only 12 at the time, and even though I had only 'touched' her ass, still to this day I would rank it as one of the Top 5 most shameful acts I've ever committed.

I never sniffed rubber cement again. And, obviously, I never forget about the incident either.

As I moved on into High School I would still occasionally see this girl passing in the hallway. Every time it happened I could feel the blood rush to my face and a wave of self hate would stick with me for the remainder of the day.

Then, on the first day of my senior year I sat down at a desk and found myself sharing a classroom with her... To make things worse we were later assigned to work on a project in pairs, and guess who I got stuck with?

I tried to avoid the project completely but it was a graduation requirement so eventually I ended up agreeing to meet her in the library for lunch so we could work on it.

When lunchtime arrived I began to nervously make my way towards the library, where I found her sitting intently at the table, waiting for me.

Strangely she actually smiled as I sat down across from her.

"Let's just get through this," I thought to myself as I sat down.

We sat in silence for what felt like a long time. Then, to my absolute horror, she decided to bring up the very subject that had been haunting me all this time!

"Did you feel my butt when we were in Middle School?" she bluntly asked. I thought I was going to throw up.

What could I say, she knew I had... I immediately went into a long winded and most likely incoherent explanation putting most of the blame on the rubber cement. I began to apologize profusely.

My voice was cracking and I was on the verge of tears. I was midway through my apology when I noticed that she had a look of amusement on her face. She reached out her hand and placed it on my arm.

"It's no big deal... Actually, I was glad you did it... I kinda liked it... I still think about it some times... I had the biggest crush on you that year... "

I didn't know what to say. Her hand was now caressing my arm and she was giving me 'the look'. I've always been terrible at being able to tell when a girl is giving me signals, but even this was the kind of blatant invitation that even I could not mistake.

But I couldn't take her up on the offer... I was way too disgusted.

What I had done was terrible and now I find out she enjoyed it! What kind of girl would enjoy something like that?!

Much like yesterday on the subway, I was outraged!

I'm not sure who angered me more, the girl who approved of my inappropriate sexual advance, the woman who thought I might get some sort of sexual gratification from an accidental knee bump, or the 12 year old kid who got high on rubber cement and touched some girl's ass?

Regardless, wherever they are now, I hope they all have a shitty day.