The Cronicles of Moe Greene: The Middle School Years

When I was in Middle School I spent a lot of time defending Moe Greene… he was a year younger, he was small for his age, and he had a real knack for pissing off the wrong kids.

Most small kids who can’t fight have a certain type of survival skill ingrained into their DNA. It keeps them from mouthing off to bullies and allows them to safely blend in with the crowd, but Moe Greene possessed no such skill.

Remember in The Karate Kid when Daniel San decided to turn the water hose on Johnny Lawrence at the Halloween party even though he knew Johnny could and would kick his ass?

Well that’s the kind of kid Moe was… It seemed like every week I was trying to mediate some sort of mess Moe had gotten himself into. It was no easy task but I was usually pretty willing to stick my neck out for him, with a only a few notable exceptions.

One of these exceptions took place during my 8th Grade year, Moe’s 7th.

It was a Friday and school was only 45 minutes or so from letting out for the weekend... To make things even better this Friday was “Club Day” where we got to spend the last period of the day goofing off in whatever academic club the school had forced us to join.

I was stuck in a really lame computer club, while Moe was in the “Sports Club” which was basically playing basketball with all your friends... Well I wasn’t about to get stuck in the computer lab with all the nerds on a Friday, so I waited until the teacher wasn't looking and made my way to the gym.

When I got to the gym’s lobby I saw a crowd of about 20 or so kids laughing and carrying on… I went over to check out what all the fuss was about.

As I approached I could see that Moe Greene was being beaten up while the crowd shouted words of encouragement to his attacker.

Normally in this situation it was my duty to jump in and try chase off his bully... I took a deep breathe and dropped my backpack, fully prepared to do just that.

But as I approached the fracas I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks… Moe's attacker was none other than Sam, the muscle bound drug dealer that most of the school was afraid of… Picture a 7th Grade version of Mike Tyson, only without the lisp and facial tattoo.

As a rule I didn’t mess with teenage crack dealers who resembled Mike Tyson; But this was my best friend getting tormented. I had to do something, right?

So of course I did what any true friend would do; I stood towards the back and watched on from a safe distance, hoping Moe wouldn't spot me in the crowd.

I’d like to think that if the situation had gotten too ugly I would have at least stepped in and attempted to break it up. But luckily for me (and Moe) it was just a pretty straight forward ass kicking; nothing he hadn’t endured a dozen or so times before.

If my memory serves me correctly the whole incident had begun when Moe insulted one of Sam’s best friends… And now all Sam wanted him to do was apologize... But of course Moe (because he didn't have that self preservation instinct I mentioned earlier) was refusing to comply.

The entire incident dragged on for about 5 minutes. Eventually, Sam and the crowd got bored and gave up. Moe ended up stuffed into a trash can with a bloody nose and a wedgie, tears streaming down his face.

The way I saw it, he was lucky he hadn’t been stabbed.

As the crowd dispersed I tried to act like I had just arrived on the scene… Moe wasn’t buying it.

“Why didn’t you stop him?”

“Why didn’t you just apologize?”

“Apologize!? Fuck him… Now help me out of this trash can…”