Joel's 2006 Sleazy Confesion Awards

And now… coming to you live from the Asi Es Studios located in Joel’s living room.......... it’s the First Annual Joel’s Sleazy Confession Awards!!! [insert exaggerated applause]

This evening's event will be co-hosted by two of Tales of Mediocrity’s most popular writers…

Our first host is perhaps best known for his sexual confusion and love of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu, but did you know he has also been the author of several failed blogs including the soon to fail sports blog called The DC Sports Diary? That’s right, it’s none other than our very own Moe Greene!!! [insert moderate and polite applause]

Our second host probably needs no introduction… but for purposes of over-dramatizing this event we’ll give him one anyway… [insert very dramatic voice] He is best known for running arguably the most ground breaking and important blog this world has ever known… In less than one year of operation he has managed to touch lives across the world… He has stopped hunger, cured cancer, found homes for thousands of orphan kittens, and more importantly he has given us- Film Vault Tuesday. [insert applause]

He is charitable, funny, fat, well hung, bald, and sexy…. He is a feminist who cannot suppress his love for strippers and cleavage… ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

Joel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [insert long standing ovation… camera shows attractive woman giving the slow clap applause as her eyes water with tears]

Joel: [barely audible over audience applause] Thank you, thank you… [blowing kisses to the crowd]

Moe: [After applause finally dies down] So, it’s good to see everyone is doing well this evening. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am really excited about tonight’s awards, because we’ve got a great show for you.

Joel: Yes that’s very true. A great show indeed.

Moe: I’m also really glad to see that everyone from the blog world is in attendance tonight.

Joel: Yes we have a wonderful audience in attendance tonight. Everyone is looking great, in fact, give yourselves a round of applause. [insert applause]

Moe: You know, after learning all that we have learned about our fellow bloggers from these confessions it could make for an eventful night…

Joel: Why is that?

Moe: Well, you know, with all these lustful people here- I’d say it’s a lock somebody is going to hook up.

Joel: Well you can’t just throw a prediction like that out there without following up on it… I would like to know- in fact I’m sure our audience would like to know, who do you think will hook up?

Moe: That’s a very good question. [pauses in thought] And based on the sex confessions we have all read, I would have to say Hector and ~A.D~ would be the most likely to hook up…

Joel: Yes, that’s a very good pick. A fine pick indeed, but you know, from what I remember from her confession, I’d say that ~A.D~ seems to dig married guys, and I could be wrong but I don’t think Hector is married.

Moe: That’s true, Hector might not be married, I never thought of that…

Joel: Okay so maybe ~A.D~ won’t be putting out tonight… But do you know who IS probably a good bet to put out for one of these handsome blogger guys here with us tonight?

Moe: Who’s that?

Joel: Why none other then YOU, my lovely co-host Moe Greene!

Moe: Ouch, I walked right into that one… But we don’t know for a fact that I’m either loose, or gay for that matter... At this point it’s all rumors, nasty rumors.

Joel: Oh please, at the very least we can say you’re slutty… Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not saying that Moe Greene is a man-whore, but… Okay, actually that is what I’m saying, Moe Greene is a man-whore.

Moe: Come on, a guy has six or seven hundred man crushes and all of a sudden you make him out to be some sort of gay slut…

Joel: Well you know folks, some gay men say that they think they were possibly the victims of some kind of genetic mistake… They say that they were actually supposed to be born a female but through some sort of mix up, they came out as men…

Moe: What’s your point, are you saying I was supposed to be a woman?

Joel: Well Moe, it’s not just that… We actually had some doctors analyze a few of your sexual fantasies and it turns out that, not only were you supposed to be a woman… but based on your sexual urges, you were supposed to be born a groupie giving out sexual favors in an NBA locker room!

Moe: Man, you are brutal tonight… But enough of the Moe Greene jokes, we’re on a tight schedule here and I believe that someone is supposed to be revealing a new confession for our audience….

Joel: Oh right, of course, I had almost forgotten… Since we’re under such time constraints I’ll give the very brief version…

Moe: Let’s hear it…

Joel: Well you were there… I mean, you weren’t there there, but you were there.

Moe: Just spit it out!

Joel: Well last year after a University of Maryland Football game I had a bathroom emergency and ended up having to take a crap in the stairwell of a parking garage… Someone almost walked in on me and I had to slam my body against the door to keep them from catching me in the act.

Moe: That’s not so bad… I'm mean it's bad, but I was expecting more...

Joel: Well I was still kind of in the act when I had to fight the door, and well… things got a bit messy… really I just want to say sorry to whoever had to clean up after the game.

Moe: Yeah those guys deserve a raise… But all these people in the audience tonight didn’t come here to listen to your shit story, they’re here for the AWARDS!

Joel: Well let’s not keep them waiting.

Moe: To save time some of the less celebrated awards were given out earlier this evening… and those awards were….

Joel: [pauses to take out list of awards] Yes… we gave out an award for “Best Confession of Running Away From Home to Sleep with a Girl From Minnesota” went to…. [dramatic pause]

Moe: Santiago!! [insert applause]

Joel: Well that was a shocker…

Moe: Yes indeed… and the next award from earlier this evening was for [reading off list] “Best Confession of a Female Lying About Her Age…”

Joel: I understand there was some very tough competition in that field…

Moe: Very tough… And the winner was… CAD!!!! [insert applause]

Joel: Also, the “Blurry Face” Award for best anonymous confession was given to Anonymous Person #1 who met up with a blogger in a hotel to have a wild one night stand! [insert applause]

Moe: Very nice indeed... Let’s not forget that I also lost an award earlier this evening to Marie for “Most Embarrassing Confession”… I shit myself in a car full of in-laws and all she did was run into her reflection in a mirror.

Joel: Yeah but in Marie’s defense she did run into the reflection three times and apologized before she realized it was her reflection and not another human being… plus she’s way cuter than you… So congratulations to Marie!! [insert applause]

Moe: Don’t forget our “Best Confession by Someone with a Graduate Degree” Award… that went to Vanessa who did the nasty in her best friend’s bed while she was house sitting! [insert applause]

Joel: Very impressive… And finally, we gave an award to Sonrisa for… well, for being Sonrisa… A witty, talented, curvatious, bi-sexual, sexy woman who happens to share my love of strippers!!! And if that doesn’t deserve an award then I don’t know what does! I guess we’ll call that a “Lifetime Achievement Award”… So let’s hear a big round of applause for Sonrisa!!

[Insert Applause]

Moe: Sonrisa, and actually all of tonight’s winners can make their acceptance speeches in the comments section of this post, isn’t that right Joel?

Joel: Right you are Moe, all speeches and comments are welcome.

Moe: Well now that we have all of that out of the way, it’s time to turn our attention to the really big awards… I guess we’ll start with the Category of the “Back Stabber Award!”

Joel: Good call… This is actually my favorite award, since I have so much experience on the subject…

Moe: Yes you do… And the nominees are…. Cindylu for dating her close friend’s ex-boyfriend… Hector for banging his best friend’s wife… Vanessa for her previously discussed accomplishments in her friend’s bed…. And finally Hispanic Pundit for pounding out his buddies sister in some very public places!!!

Joel: And the winner is [opening envelope] Hector!!!!!! [insert applause]

Moe: Wow, that one must have been a tough decision.

Joel: It was a tough choice Moe… Since HP did his dirt in Compton he probably put his life at risk… but Hector nailed his BEST friend’s WIFE… his WIFE… I felt like an accomplishment of that caliber had to be rewarded in this situation, even if his life wasn’t in immediate danger.

Moe: Did the fact that you’re married and wouldn’t want to give Hector an excuse to target your wife next factor into the decision?

Joel: No comment… But I would like to request that if Hector has some time later on maybe he could give me some tips on how to bang my best friend’s wife…

Moe: Yes that would be very educational… wait a second! I’m your best friend!

Joel: Yes you are Moe, yes you are… But let’s get on to the next award!!!

Moe: Yes this next very hallowed award is the “Used Condom Award”… This goes to the best sex story. And the nominees are… Vanessa… HP… Anonymous #1… and White Rose Boy… WRB received his nomination for hooking up with the mother of one of the kids he coached on a sports team…

Joel: Wow, this was another tough choice… [opening envelope] and the winner is…. Hispanic Pundit!!!!!!!! [insert applause]

Moe: I guess you didn’t want to snub a guy from Compton on two awards in a row…

Joel: Very true… I remember what happened to Biggie when he went to California!

Moe: Good Point… But really, HP was deserving of the award- he did have sex with a girl in the kitchen while her family was in the living room.

Joel: Very true, public sex is not easy to pull off… Okay we’ve made our way to the final 3 big awards! [insert applause]

Moe: Yes, the first of those would be the “Best Male Confession”…. And the nominees are… Hector… Santiago… Hispanic Pundit… and White Rose Boy…

Joel: That’s tough competition, 3 of those nominees have already won an award.

Moe: That’s right… but we do have a winner [opens envelope] and that winner is………………. Hector!!!!!! [insert applause]

Joel: Wow, it’s been a big night for Hector indeed… He’s becoming a legend here tonight!

Moe: I’d say so… but let’s get to the “Best Female Confession” Award…

Joel: And the nominees for that award are… ~A.D~, a married woman who confessed to having an ongoing affair with a married man…. also we have Sonrisa, we recently found out that she has secretly been married to a gay man for the past five years… Moe you may want to see if she can hook you up with a number or something because she’s still friendly with him…

And the last two nominees are Cindylu and Cracked Chancla who coincidently was my first reader…

Moe: I think your first reader was Gustavo…

Joel: We’ll have to have our research department look into that… regardless, I’m a big fan of Chancla AND of her confession… Chancla had a bit too much to drink one night and was almost kidnapped by some nasty guys, but the story doesn’t end there… the attempted kidnapping led to a scuffle of sorts and some punches were thrown before Chancla and her crew hoped in a car and sped away- hitting several parked cars during their getaway… Now Moe, as an Insurance Agent, how would you describe that hit and run incident…

Moe: Well Joel, there is a very specific term we have in the Insurance Industry for a hit and run like that…

Joel: Really? What term would that be?

Moe: The term is- Illegal!

Joel: Well I’m sure some attorneys might argue with you on that.

Moe: No they wouldn’t… I mean, that is a clear cut case of a hit and run and no lawyer in the world would-

Joel: Agree to Disagree…

Moe: Whatever… let’s just read the winner [opening the envelope] and the winner is… ~A.D~ !!! [insert applause]

Joel: She must be very proud Moe….

Moe: Who wouldn’t be…

Joel: Okay before we get to the final award we have one last surprise for you all… We have a musical guest invited to tonight’s show and it is my absolute pleasure and honor to introduce to you the biggest and best band in the world…. GREEN DAY!!!!!!!!!

Click -->here<-- to download performance

Moe: [screaming over standing ovation] Now that was an amazing performance!!!

Joel: Yes it was Moe, and I can’t think of a better way to follow that up than with the announcement of the winner of Joel’s 2006 Sleazy Confession Award!!!!

[insert applause]

Moe: And the nominees are… ~A.D~…. Sonrisa….. Hector….. and Hispanic Pundit……

Joel: Ladies and gentlemen we are all aware of the outstanding accomplishments these bloggers have made… They are all Confession Legends at this point and I must say, while there can only be one winner, nobody goes home a loser… except Moe because he’s an Insurance Agent and those guys are fucking scum…

Moe: Yes they are…

Joel: And the winner of the “Best Confession” at Joel’s 2006 Sleazy Confession Awards is… [insert drum roll] ………………

HECTOR!!!!!!!!

[insert standing ovation]

Moe: [as applause finally dies down] Joel, I don’t think there will be any critics of this decision but just in case there are, what was your thinking on this award?

Joel: Moe, I’m glad you asked me that… If you read Hector’s confession, and I did many times, it ends with a little glimpse at what promises to be a potentially fabulous confession for next year… Hector makes reference to the fact that he is not content to only nail his best friend’s wife, that’s right folks, he now has his sites set on his best friend’s sister!!!!

I personally don’t think he should stop there though… I think he should make an all out assault on all the women in his best friend’s family.

Moe: A sort of sexual jihad if you will…

Joel: Exactly, the mother, the sister, cousins, everybody over 18 should be made a target!

[insert applause]

Moe: Well I think it’s safe to say that the big winner tonight is Hector… He has established that he is a force in the world of blog confessions and we look forward to what promises to be a long career of fantastic confessions…. Hector, from myself, Joel, and the entire Asi Es Studio, we tip our hats to you sir….

Joel: Indeed we do tip our hats Moe… and thanks to everyone who came out this evening. Good Night and Drive Home Safely… And please, if you have someone house sitting for you right now, remember to wash your bed sheets!