I don't really have anything substantial to blog about, but I do have a couple of small things of little or no consequence to say, so I decided to put them all together and make one long incoherent post!
Hopefully in the case of this post, the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts... or something like that.
DON JOHNSON
On Wednesday my boss had an important meeting with people he wants to talk into doing a substantial amount of future business with him... The meeting was not too early, 10 AM... He usually doesn't make it to the office until 11 or so (when he comes in that is), but surely 10 AM is late enough that you should have enough time to pick out an outfit that reflects whatever it is you want it to reflect...
This is what my boss, a man of MUCHO means, decided to wear, what he decided to reflect:
a circa 1980 WHITE blazer, over top a dark gray polo shirt... worn khakis, and what appeared to be the type of shoes you would wear on a sail boating adventure.
As my dear friend Moe Greene pointed out, "The only the that was missing was the Miami Vice theme song."
THE OTTOMAN
Speaking of Moe Greene, he told me a story on Tuesday that makes me question my readiness to be a father.
He has 3 kids... 2 girls, and the youngest (2 or 3 months old) is a boy... Well the other night he was changing the boy's messy diaper when the feces really hit the fan (pun very much intended).
He had placed the baby on what he called the "ottoman" (sp?)... which is, to the best of my knowledge a fancy footrest... So, he removes the soiled diaper and as he's getting the new diaper out, the baby decided he wasn't finished doing his business...
There was no time to grab the new diaper, Moe had to act fast. (This is the part in the story where I knew I wasn't ready to be a father) He put the fear of his wife ahead of his own hygiene; He decided to reach his hand out and catch the baby poo before it could fall on their expensive footrest!
His son allegedly let out the kind of long discolored stream of feces that only a baby can produce... all over his hand. But the fancy footresy was saved.
And if that's not enough to convince you to practice safe sex well than nothing is...
THE PROPOSITION
This afternoon one of our relatively attractive, recently divorced policy holders came in to talk to me... She is smart, funny, and posses a very flirtatious and warm smile.
She got her insurance business done and then decided she would just hang out at my desk for 15 or 20 minutes... Moe Greene gets hit on regularly... I get innocent flirting... There is a BIG diference... But today ladies and gentlemen, I was hit on!
She even went so far as to ask me "where a lonely single girl should go in this city to meet a nice single man..." and followed that up with a forward, "Where would you take me?"
I recommended a few places to go and then mentioned my wife... She was visibly disappointed and gave me a smile that said, "too bad."
The whole ordeal felt pretty good... I dare to say that it may have been highlight of my day.
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Farting in the Shower is a ramblingand ecclectic mix of short stories, embarrasing confessions, pictures, and fast food reviews.
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10 comments:
that ottoman story was so gross. ew.
the proposition:
i have a friend who was complaining to me sometime back that, ever since he got married, women no longer hit on him. he was convinced that he was becoming less attractive as he was getting older.
i asked him if he always wore his wedding ring.
he told me that he did.
i explained to him that women do look for a ring to see if the guy is single. if he has a ring, many of us will just look the other way.
this made him feel better.
the moral of the story is that while it's nice to get hit on, you better be wearing that damn wedding ring!
@>-->>---
I think sometimes life is a serious of inconsequential moments that can be pieced together to make a show. Very much like Seinfeld Episode. Good job.
Tell Don Johnson to get a clue. The part of Moe...it happends. I have been peed, but never pooped on. Dude, it must be something in the water or the season for married men to get hit on. It has been happening to me too. It is totally strange. Good job. This means you are hot.
I think it must be the season for married men to get hit on...or maybe they just have a special glow about them. I've been out and about and seen a guy or two that catches my eye and then I look down and there's a ring. Damn!
It's funny Santiago brings up Seinfeld. There is an episode that features George wearing a wedding ring (he wasn't married) in an effort to attract women. Which, of course, at the end of the episode three women that are out of his league hit on him. They all realize he is married and regrettably take a pass on the George-Express....
why are you surprised to get hit on?!?! dude, you've those nice blue eyes and a great personality!!! glad to hear that you mentioned the wife this time though!!!
Jennifer- yeah I thought about whether or not I should even tell the ottoman story because it really grossed me out, but I decided to just not go into too much detail (like moe did with me)
also, I was very much wearing my ring.
Santiago- yeah there is most definitly a certain kind of girl who likes the wedding ring... but I have to defend this girl cause wasnt really one of those... because I was typing on a laptop that was between us, my hands were hidden by the screen and I'm 75% sure she never saw the ring until it was too late.
Moe- I dont get it... women wanted him b/c of the ring and then didnt want him becasuse he was married? you lost me.
unforgiving- I'm married and I guess out of instinct I stil ldo that... "Oh I like her, she's cute... damn she's married... wait a second, I'm married too... well fuck?!"
sonrisa- yes, I'm making dramatic improvement in the wife mentioning department... and I will always be surprised when some hits on me.
joel, guess what my customers are thinking right now? *uh-oh, there she goes laughing into her laptop again* have you like considered standup comedy? at the very least blog more often.
Dude, you rock! It's crazy to get hit on when you least expect it. Of course, when you're single like I am, you never really get hit on at opportune moments either.
ewe. . ottoman. .dude, that is why I PRACTICE SAFE SEX! see, that's the kind of stuff they should be showing in Sex Ed classes!
And I'm glad you got hit on . .and it wasn't that guy who thought your eyes were gorgeous. . or was it pretty? LOL
chancla- in 5th grade the teacher asked me to do stand up for the class on the last day of school and I totally bombed...
cindylu- I'm not sure but I think was going sock-less with that outit... yesterday he wore a denim shirt with really big pockets on the front...and he was wearing it with jeans too, not khakis.
marie- Moe's wife wouldn't accept upolostry cleaner, looking back on it, he probably saved his life by saving the ottoman.
cincy- it doesn't happen that often, so I'm still savoring the moment days later.
cad- no thank god it wasnt the creepy guy. he's actually been in since that gorgeous eyes comment, and didn't do anything too creepy... I mean, just his presence is creepy, but he didn't do anything extra creepy.
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