OPEN LETTER TO THE AFRICAN GUY WHO KEEPS CALLING MY HOUSE

Dear African,

First and foremost, and with all do respect- FUCKING STOP IT!

I know that sounds a little harsh, but frankly I don’t think that polite is getting the job done.

Because I was polite… when you called twice on Saturday afternoon. Remember?

Sure you do… You were franticly rambling, asking to speak to [Incoherent African Name]. I explained as nicely as I could that there was nobody that resided in my house by the name of [Incoherent African Name], but you had trouble accepting that.

Still can’t remember? Let me refresh it with this brief transcript of our conversation:

ME: HELLO?

YOU: BIEBPW WPFHWFPEN PAHEJWPF OHFEWHOQ?

ME: UM, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU: PLEASE, PLEASE... I MUST SPEAK WITH [INCOHERENT AFRICAN NAME].

ME: YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER.

YOU: BUT I’M CALLING FROM NIGERIA!

ME: REGARDLESS OF WHERE YOU'RE CALLING FORM, THE NUMBER IS WRONG. NOBODY LIVES HERE BY THE NAME OF [INCOHERENT AFRICAN NAME].

YOU: IT IS URGENT, I MUST CONGRATULATE HIM. I’M CALLING FROM NIGERIA.

ME: YEAH, I GET THAT YOU WANT TO TALK TO [INCOHERENT AFRICAN NAME], BUT YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

Oh, now you remember… I thought that might refresh your memory.

Look, I wouldn’t be so upset had that been the end of your calls but that wasn’t the end, was it Mr. African? That’s right you called 10 minutes later and we had the same conversation all over again.

But you know what, I was even willing to let THAT slide.

That is until Sunday night- well, I guess it was more like Monday morning... that is when you crossed the line.

Yeah, you know what you did... 3 phone calls at 4:30a.m.!?!? Now that’s pretty excessive Mr. African, even for you.

To be honest, the first two 4:30a.m. calls hardly even registered with me… I was asleep and I thought it was a dream. But on that 3rd phone call, the one that my wife answered, that’s when I became aware of your dramatic return into our life.

While I will admit that I was entertained by the two of you attempting to argue in, shall we say "very limited" English, a line was crossed.… Entertaining or not, you just can’t yell at my wife.

So that’s why I took the phone and let loose the 2 minute tirade of curse words you most likely did not understand… And that brings me to my question Mr. African; After my tirade you responded by saying this:

“It’s not my fault, I just need to congratulate [Incoherent African Name]!” and then you angrily hung up.

Well, what the hell were you talking about? How was it NOT your fault? YOU called MY house at 4:30a.m.… I certainly wasn’t calling YOU. And why do you need to congratulate [Incoherent African Name] so bad? What is so urgent about a congratulation? Now if you needed him to send you money, or there was a family emergency of some sort- now that would be urgent... But who ever heard of an urgent congratulation?

But now I'm getting away from my point. The purpose of my letter is this- I have come to a conclusion… Despite all of my anger and confusion I am willing to make the following compromise:

Don’t call anymore and all is forgiven. No apologies necessary. That’s right, don’t call and I won’t curse at you ever again.

Not good enough you say?

Fine, because I’m such a nice guy I’ll throw in this bonus: If I ever run into [Incoherent African Name], I will congratulate him for you.

How does that sound?

Good… Done deal, deal done. No take back’s. I will look forward to a future filled with the absence of your calls.

And in case [Incoherent African Name] is reading this, the African guy who keeps calling my house would like to congratulate you.

Sincerely,
Joel