Favorite/Least Favorite Customers

So I know that a Top Five List is a really lame and over used blog post topic, but I just got a call from the wife of one of my favorite customers and I started thinking about who my favorite and least favorite customers/policy holders are.

So considering that I'm bored, I have a mild case of writer's block, and it's about time for me to post something new, this post just writes itself... So here we go:

I'll start with the favorite and then go to the least favorite because in my experience people seem to get more pleasure out of angry customer stories than nice customer stories. (First names will be real but I'm changing the last names to something that resembles but is not actually the true last names)

Favorite Customer/Policy Holder:

#5.] Dion "McKenzie"- The first client that I signed all by myself. She's pleasantly plump, always entertaining, and I have this story about her:
Dion bought a car and then it was stolen like a month later... The person who stole the car got into a wreck while running from the police, and the car was totaled. At that point it's no longer Dion's car, it belongs to the Insurance Company.
To make a long story short, Dion wasn't happy with the amount of money she was going to be paid for the car, so she had her cousin steal the car from the body shop where it was being stored! That led to me having to call her and have this talk:

Me: Is this Dion?
Dion: Yes...
Me: Dion, is there something you want to tell me about your car?
Dion: um... Yeah... My cousin, sort of, kinda, stole it back from the body shop...
Me: Do you see where that might be a problem?
Dion: Yes?
Me: Please take the car back... Really... This is a bad thing.
Dion: I think you're probably right.
Me: So you will bring the car back?
Dion: I guess...

I don't know if that conversation translates well on paper but it was such a matter of fact talk that it still makes me laugh. We could have been talking about anything, but we were talking about a stolen car... She wasn't worried, or surprised about the call, it was just a Tuesday for her.

She ended up bringing the car back and I was able smooth things over with the company and all is now well.

#4.] Luz "Sanchez"- She's just very cute and has a great... um... Personality. A very nice, round, um... Personality.

#3.] Carolyn "Byers"- Elderly black lady who has still got a LOT of spunk left in her... She is 74 years old but loves to make Moe Green blush with her dirty jokes. She gives him crap about everything from the lack of good candy on his desk to his hair loss issues, but you can tell she would be devastated if she walked in and Moe wasn't there.

#2.] Melvin "Crawford"- Picture the stereotype hillbilly and you have Melvin. He's always angry about something and always thinks somebody is out to get him. He loves to do things like buy a car and not tell us he bought until a year later when he has an accident in it... On 2 separate occasions I thought I was going to have to jump in front of him to stop him from attacking Moe Green... If I had to deal with him he would be on the "Least Favorite List" but since Moe deals with him, I love the guy!

He also had one of my all time favorite quotes ever... He makes it clear every time he comes in here that he can't read or write, yet after having a heated argument with Moe he let out this gem, (insert hillbilly accent) "I just can't trust y'all... I mean, it's gettin' to the point where I'ma haf to git everthang you say in writing!"

#1.] Jose "Ordonez" and his wife- Any day where there is a Jose sighting is a good day... He always calls me "Don Joel" and is so nice to me it's almost painful. He always has a funny story to tell, and has offered to hook me or Moe up with his little sister on several occasions even though we're both married... "No me importa, va a ser nuestro secreto!" he laughs with his silver teeth exposed. You just know Jose would be fun to drink with.

The other great part about Jose and his wife is that EVERY month they have a fight about who pays what on their bill... Like clock work, Jose will call me and ask how much of the bill goes to his Ford Ranger and how much goes to his wife's Land Cruiser... The next day, the wife calls and asks me the same question because she doesn't trust him.

The best part is... She doesn't even have a driver's license! I'm not supposed to know she even exists. Every time one of them calls with that question I have to hang up phone and pretend like we didn't just have that conversation!

Once he even brought her into the office with him to pay the bill! I introduced her like this: "Moe, this is the wife Jose doesn't have, the one who doesn't drive the Land Cruiser that we just saw her drive into our parking lot!"

Least Favorite Customer/Policy Holders:

#5.] Cruz "Gomez"- He comes in once a week to bitch about something. He always thinks he's paying too much money, and he stopped saying thank you about 2 months ago.

#4.] Ester "Hernandez"- She came into the office after I'd been working here for like 2 weeks. She kept telling me how beautiful my eyes were, how my wife should never let me go to El Salvador without her, how cute me accent was, etc... She was also leaning over and making her bra/cleavage quite visible.

Normally that would make her like #1 on my Favorite customer list, except that her actions caused me to write an explicit email to Moe Green detailing everything that happened... Only I accidentally sent the email to my boss! Gulp, I want to puke right now just thinking about it!
As you can imagine it didn't go over that well.

Now I can't even look at her almost totally exposed breasts without thinking of that emal and wanting to hyperventilate.

#3.] Flora "Alvarez"- Picture Horacio Sanz in drag... but uglier. Now picture that she comes in every month wearing belly shirts and droping hint after hint that she's "available."

#2.] Ralph & Betty "Kelly"- They're both over 80, neither of them should be allowed anywhere near a steering wheel... For whatever reason they only want to talk to me, and when they do it's 30-40 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

#1.] Jose "Castro"and his wife- every time he comes into the office he takes a 10 minute task and turns it into an hour... He calls me on Sundays sometimes and isn't afraid to ask me to do him personal favors like: make faxes for him, write letters to his bank, and write out the phonetic pronunciation for every word in English he's ever heard and would like to learn... which is all of them.

He also has a strange feminine quality to him that makes me wonder... I mean, he looks straight, he's married to an attractive woman, and he works in construction, but there is just something a little off.

He once tried to get me to come over to his house so I could read him some letter he got from a credit card company. I told him I'd be glad to read it to him in the office on Monday (this was a Sunday afternoon), but he REALLY wanted me to go to his house!

His wife is actually delightful to talk to but she went back to Venezuela and left me here to deal with him, so now I hate her! I can neither confrim nor deny the rumors that I'm looking into a restraining order.