Chinese Buffet Maddness!

My friend Moe Green and I spend a lot, A LOT, of time in Chinese Buffets. We go 2-3 times a week, and are always on the lookout for new spots. I'd like to think of us as Chinese Buffet Connoisseurs... Some people can ramble on the finer points of wine, or antique cars; we can ramble on about the wonders of General Tso (or at least his Chicken).

Evaluating a new spot is serious business. Not something to be taken likely.

Some keys when looking for a new restaurant:

Price: Obviously cheaper is better, but keep in mind you often get what you pay for.

Distance: Is it close enough to get there, stuff your face, and then get back to work in time?

Pandas: Avoid any place that has a Panda on the sign; The Panda Express, Chinese Panda, Panda Garden, Panda Kitchen, etc. Those places are usually located in malls and offer a very limited selection. You end up paying too much for crappy food AND you have to walk through the mall.

Carry out?: If they have it, do they just give you a box and let you cram in as much food as you can, or do they use that rip off weight scale?

Street Cred: Trust the word on the street... Well sort of... If you hear a place sucks, it usually does... If you hear a place is phenomenal, then you'll usually be disappointed... The best spots are spoken about in hushed voices in the dark corners of the office... The places that give you a big Styrofoam box for $5.25 and then turn a blind eye as you load up with so much sweet and sour pork and lo mein that you can barely close the lid...Those places are secret. Nobody wants to let the word get out. It's like that book "The Beach" by Alex Garland, everyone wants to keep paradise to themselves.

Once you've located a possible new place, the evaluation process should begin the minute you step in the door... Is it a pay before you eat place? That's usually a bad sign.

Other early warnings signs include (but are not limited to), confused hostess, or no hostess at all; mismatched chairs and/or tables; signs on the wall that threaten to charge you for any wasted food; the place is too crowded. (You don't want an empty place either. Every time I've eaten at an empty Chinese Place I'm always expecting the Health Department to show up at any second, kick in the doors, cuff the owners, and close the place down).

Be on the look out for all those early warning signs!

The next part of the new buffet experience is the most underrated but it's also very crucial... the seating process.

This is a very touchy part because it's the only aspect of the, "Chinese Buffet Experience," that depends on you and not the restaurant. Let me explain...

The Chinese Buffet (or any Buffet for that matter) is all about speed. They try to get you in the door and back out in an assembly line fashion. They take your drink order and point you towards the food before you can really sit down and get comfy.

The result is, you end up sitting down for a split second, making your drink order, then starting to stand again before you realize that the rest of the people in your group are still sitting... So then you start to sit back down, just as they start to get up! It's a mess.

You can try to laugh and play it off, but at that point you look and feel like a complete ass... I call it the, "Sit Down Dance."

Something like that can ruin the whole mood and atmosphere of the Buffet trip. Getting off to a bad start like that can potentially turn a good experience to a bad one. To combat this, Moe Green and I have decided that there are only 2 options to properly avoid the "Sit Down Dance":

Option [1]: Sit down at the table, order the drinks, and then stay there until the drinks arrive. No matter what! Even if someone from the restaurant staff does that wave of the hand thingy encouraging you to go ahead and get started, don't do it. Act like you meant to sit down and have some conversation before you start the meal. You'll save dignity and face, trust me.

Option [2]: This is the less conventional and more controversial method... Upon arrival at your table everybody determines which chair will be theirs, but nobody actuallysits down, they just stand behind their respective chairs. You make your drink order still standing, then, as soon as the waiter leaves, you go eat. When pulled off correctly you'll be able to see the envy from the surrounding tables... They'll remember how dumb they felt when they did the, "Sit Down Dance," and stare down at their fried rice in shame.

The key is to be confident in which ever strategy you choose. Also, everybody has to be on the same page... You can't have one guy do the 'stand' while everyone else does the 'sit', or vice versa... Of course the larger your dinning party, the harder it is to coordinate. I suggest ridicule and harsh critism for anybody who screws up the process.

After the "Sit Down" all the pressure is off of you and on the food. Here are some keys to look for:

The Rice: is it cooked well, or is it that rushed yellow color? Did they go overboard with the onions? Bonus points awarded for having either chicken fried rice or the elusive shrimp fried rice. (Finding good shrimp fried rice at a buffet is the food equivalent of finding the Holy Grail)

Dumplings: are they tiny and over cooked? Many times they just sit there in that pot for way too long and by the time it gets to your plate, it's like leather... So you chew through the leather to get to a tiny piece of pork/beef.

Chicken Variety: Every buffet throws the General Tso's out there (to varying degrees of quality) but the best spots also have Orange Chicken, Sesame Chicken, Sweet and Sour Chicken, Teriyaki Chicken, etc... (The place around the corner from my house has Coconut Chicken which is more or less General Tso's in a coconut flavored sauce... If it doesn't sound tasty just trust me when I say it is.)

Shrimp Toast: You'd think every place would have it, but it surprises me how many buffets don't.

Refills: How often do they refill the food trays? Do you find yourself waiting for the crazy old lady with the grey streaks in her hair to come out the kitchen with more fried shrimp? If so, that's a bad sign.

Drinks: How long does it take to get a refill? Do they take your glass back to the fountain to refill the drink or do they have the "refill girl" wandering around the restaurant with the pitcher full of warm, flat coke?

[interesting story here... Moe Green and I used to frequent a place called "City Buffet" where the staff consists of a dozen or so really hot girls who spoke little English... Whenever one of the girls would come by to check on us they would always ask 'yes' or 'no' questions that would be easy for them to understand.
"Can I get you more coke?" That kind of thing... Well without even realizing it, Moe would always answer with something a little too complicated like, "Sure", "You bet”, or "Sounds good"... The girl would then stand there frozen with confusion. It took him at least 3 months to realize what the problem was. The best part is that he can down 7-8 glasses of coke per sitting so we're talking about some frustrated chinese girls!]

Ice Cream: This is the final indicator. Any halfway decent buffet has that monstrous Ice Cream Machine with Chocolate or Vanilla, but can it handle the Chocolate-Vanilla swirl mix? How about toppings? I'm a rainbow sprinkles guy, but some people like chocolate sprinkles and/or syrup. All 3 must be present to get the perfect score. Large bowls are also essential.

And that's pretty much it... A good Chinese Buffet should pass all of that criteria and still be reasonably priced. When you do find one of those places, don't let too many people know about it.

You should also make sure you frequent as often as you can, because once the secret is out, your favorite restaurant will never be the same. Prices will go up and the lunch corwds will swarm... Before you know it you'll be paying $12 to wrestle with some guy in a trucker hat over the last spoon full of Coconut Chicken!