So, "McSweeney's" is a humor based website for obscure (and sometimes not so obscure) writers that is nothing short of brilliant... You should go check it out if you haven't already... anyway they have a column called "Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond"... it's pretty self-explanatory and I'm going to shamelessly rip them off with this post, "A Letter to Myself in 8th Grade"... so without further introduction here is my barely anticipated letter:
Joel,
You don't know me... well actually you do, sort of. I'm you at age 25 and I'm here to give you some advice...
First off, back away from the table! That may seem harsh but trust me. You're about to turn the corner and go from chubby to fat and it's gonna cramp your style in High School.
Secondly, forget that girl... and you know who I mean!
I'm not gonna name any names here so that you can save face... But the one you played basketball with everyday after school last year... Not ringing a bell?
How about this, the one whose picture you circled in your yearbook with a pink highlighter, (really lame by the way)... Look, don't deny it; you know who I'm talking about.
Fine! I didn't want to get too specific but you're forcing my hand here... The one you "dated" for 3 weeks before she dumped you the day of the dance b/c you were too shy to acknowledge to anyone else in school that she was your "girlfriend." Yeah her....
Look you blew it little buddy and you need to let her go. I know you think you'll be able to redeem yourself and get another shot, but you won't.
Next year she'll show up for freshman year with a woman's body and short memory. "Joel who?"
She'll be dating an upper classman with a Jeep by second semester... He's got a great tan, a baseball letterman’s jacket and a Dawson's Creek smile. You've got no chance. He's way cooler than you.
Her days of walking home with you and your group of loser friends are over... Dawson's Creek will be driving by you in his shinny red jeep, the stereo blasting as he places his hand on your girl's thigh... It won't be pretty... In fact it will feel like he's taunting you and your oversized Jansport book bag, but the truth is, he won't even know who you are...
I know, I know, that's difficult to imagine right now, but trust me.
And one last thing... You might want to stop ignoring Ms. Churchwell, the young lady who stairs longingly at you form the other side of the cafeteria at lunch... Yeah her... Let's just say things will be "developing" very nicely for her over the summer. She'll also be the first girl from your class to get a tongue ring, and you know what that means (wink, wink)... Actually you don't, but if you play your cards right maybe you might find out... (nudge, nudge). Keep your head up, there are tough times ahead.
Sincerely, You at 25.
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Farting in the Shower is a ramblingand ecclectic mix of short stories, embarrasing confessions, pictures, and fast food reviews.
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9 comments:
that's a pretty cool letter. i once had an assignment to write the letter you would never send. i don't understand tho, why were you too shy to tell anyone she was your girlfriend. she may have thought you were embarrassed of her and that's why she ended things. but that was high school and i'm sure you took a lesson from that.
chancla,
she was really popular and preppy, i think she was slumming... i didn't realize what slumming was at the time but im sure i could sense it or something, and maybe that's why i was so shy. who knows?
this was nice to read during my lunch break..
How funny, i bet most of us wish we could write this letter, and actually send it. to be able to tell myself what jerks to avoid... how sweet would that be!?!
Joel,
I read this entry yesterday and all day I couldn't stop thinking about...still haven't been able to stop. You've stuck with me.
BTW do you identify as Latino?
I'd love to add you to my latino bloggers list.
elenamary, my wife is from El Salvador and I've got some cousins from Mexico through marrige, pero as for me- puro gabacho... Do you have a list for bi-lingual gabachos? glad to hear I've stuck with you though... I can be like a rash that way, I look funny, I'm kinda itchy, and I grow on people.
what is slumming?
chancla,
slumming is dating someone of a lower economic class than you just to be rebelious and piss your parents off. more or less.
that's awful. i'm so sorry.
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