Off to a Poor Start

As I noted in my "looking back at the year" post last week, I started out 2008 with a really good post of rambling thoughts that ended up being the best post I wrote all year. The pride I have of writing that post is overshadowed by the shame of having the first thing I wrote in '08 also be the best thing I wrote. So I vowed that this year I would start things off with something crappy, that way I can show improvement as the year goes on... you know, as opposed to what happened last year where I showed um, deprovement or anti-provement.

I suppose if I really wanted to come up with something crappy I could post a bunch of New Year's Resolutions about eating healthier or saving money (god knows those are things I need to do*) but I prefer to ignore my problems... push them into the back of my mind and pretend they don't exist, not confront them head on with a public broadcasting of sensible solutions.

So no, there will be no Resolutions post. Instead I'm going to rant on about a topic that's been bothering me all morning but most likely will mean nothing to anyone else... the inauguration.

A lot of people have asked me if I plan on going since it will take place only a few short blocks away from my work. It will be historic, it will be memorable, it will be blah blah blah... You know what it's going to be? A big pain in the ass!

We're still two weeks away and tourists are already flocking into town and crowding my metro ride... and it's only going to get worse. Dozens of families from Kansas, Iowa, and Missouri, wandering aimlessly around the streets of DC searching for the Capitol Building on a map when if they would just look up they could see the fucking thing staring back down at them. (You can see the Capitol Building from just about anywhere in the city, just walk towards it!) They're going to stand motionless on the left side of the escalators, stop to make pleasant conversation in the middle of sidewalks, ask for directions, make left hand turns from the center lane, drive 40 mph on the beltway, and generally make my life miserable.

And the day of the inaugural is probably going to be cold, wet, and windy... Add in the fact that Monday the 19th (the day before the inaugural) is MLK day and there is 100% chance I'll be taking the day off and enjoying a 4 day weekend. So no, I won't be attending, and in fact I probably won't even leave the house that day.





*A couple weeks ago I was talking to Moe Greene on the phone as I was waiting in a KFC drive through. I told him to hold on when it was my turn to order and laid the phone on my lap. I ordered a chicken strip meal with a Pepsi, and as a side I ordered a "Potato Bowl". In case you're not familiar with it, the "Potato Bowl" is basically KFC's attempt to create a widespread epidemic of obesity across this nation. They take a bowl of mashed potatoes, and sprinkle a handful of corn on top. Next they pile on a layer of deep fried pieces of breaded chicken meat. After the chicken, they pour on an unhealthy dose of gravy, before finally topping the whole thing off with a large sprinkle of cheese! It's a meal in and of itself. If they really cared about their customers they would give you a free syringe full of insulin on the side.

So I ordered my chicken strips meal with a Pepsi, and the potato bowl... and the lady taking my order innocently asks "do you want anything to drink with the potato bowl?"

That's right ladies and gentlemen, a woman who works at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant everyday of her life (an expert in her field) assumed that one person could not possibly plan on consuming all that food on their own. There must have been a second person planning on sharing this concoction of death, hence the need for a second drink.

I responded with an embarrassed "no" and I could hear Moe Greene's cackling laughter coming from the phone. He had heard everything and immediately knew the implications of her asking if I wanted that second drink. He was still laughing minutes later when I got to the window to pay for the food.

As it turns out I actually couldn't consume all of the food in one sitting. I had to save two chicken strips and the accompanying potato wedges for the next day, but still, the fact that I attempted to eat at all says a lot more about my lifestyle than then whether or not I was actually able complete the act.

Click here to read about Moe Greene's hypocritical eating habits.