Drinking the Kool-Aid

I know you're all probably wondering where I've been all week... There's been no "Life in the Fast (Food) Lane" update, no "Film Vault Tuesday," no posting at all actually.

You look back over the past few weeks and probably assume I've been busy with school and thus a little neglectful with FITS... it's a logical conclusion and so I couldn't blame you for making that assumption. But of course the truth of the matter is, this is what I've actually been doing over the last few weeks:

That's right, I've been off tending to the needs of African babies again... so before you go making asses of people with your wild assumptions, just know that I was off doing god's work. I'm basically Mother Teresa, only hung like a donkey... well, hung like a donkey in comparison to Mother Teresa at least.

But I must admit, I wasn't only there to touch lives, pass out shoes, give medical advice, and provide villages with access to clean water supplies... I was also out scouting locations for a future cult compound!

I've been reading a lot lately about Jim Jones... no, not the Harlem rapper...

...but the former cult leader who led his followers to Guyana. Once there, they established "Jonestown," and lived a peaceful life of tranquility as they built a community and searched for inner peace... and oh yeah, there was that little mass suicide thing too...

Anyway, I've decided that what this blog is really missing is a cult... not just a "cult following", but an actual cult where people would be forced to read everything I write or potentially face the wrath of god. Nothing like the threat of eternity in hell to provide proper motivation.

In my research of cults and cult leaders, I've come across several discoveries along the way that I think will help us avoid some of the mistakes past cults have made. I've narrowed the list down to three keys for running a cult:

1] No government interference... If the Waco incident taught us anything (you know, aside from 'you probably shouldn't refuse to let the ATF follow through on a search warrant', 'it's a bad idea to shoot federal agents', and 'never engage in a gun battle when your compound is full of flammables and explosives') its that you can't build your compound in US territory. The government is always going to be stopping by, wanting to make sure you aren't stockpiling guns for a revolution, or holding people against their will... they're real pesky like that.

So Jim Jones was on the right track by leaving the country... but he screwed up when he invited the US Congressman down to check things out. You invite a politician down and next thing you know he's talking a handful of your followers into going back home with him, and you're left with no choice but to have them all whacked.

So again, anytime the government gets involved in your cult, things tend to get messy.

2] Have a really good pair of tinted glasses. Not sun glasses, but prescription glasses that you have tinted. Like:

You can't be a cult leader unless you own extravagant eye wear.

3] Leave the kids alone... and this is the biggest point of my research. Just about every successful cult leader follows a similar path... They start off by letting their followers know that they're in regular contact with god. God doesn't just send them a sign, or leave subtle hints; god actually talks to them... Next they tell their people that the reason god is in such frequent contact with them, is because they are, in fact, the son of god. It makes sense. Do you think god would be spending so much time with someone who wasn't related to them? He's a busy dude...

Finally, once they've been able to convince everyone that they speak with god, and that god is their father, it's finally time to "spread god's seed..." Before anyone can even muster a protest they've knocked up all the attractive single cult members and half the married ones! They always do this.

Some people might say that the cult leader is pressing his luck or perhaps gone too far at this point... but I disagree... What's the point of having an entire congregation of followers if all you're not going to take advantage of them sexually? Any dime-a-dozen TV evangelist can talk lonely women into handing over their savings, but only the truly gifted can get them to drop their panties!

Where the cult leader goes too far is when they start "deflowering" virgins... I just don't get that... with all the willing, adult recipients of "god's seed" that you've got to choose from on the compound, do you really need to go for the kids too? That's what took down David Koresh, Warren Jeff, and Jim Jones... you start making moves on the 15 year old's and people get all up in arms. Next thing you know you've got congressman making official inquires, and law enforcement planning raids. At that point the party is over and you've gotta start mixing the cyanide or lighting fires... And that's not how I want to go out...

The risk vs reward factor is just not there.

So those are my keys to a successful cult... And I promise, in the "Farting in the Shower" cult compound we'll have no alarm clocks or early wake up calls... nobody will have to dress up or wear uncomfortable shoes... nobody will have to pull kitchen or garden duty for more than a week at a time... we'll have movie night at least once a week... there will be no kid touching... I'll only spend a little of your money on hookers and drugs... I'll wear the kick ass cult leader glasses... I'll find a nice warm tropical location... of course, I'll update the blog everyday... and my Kool-Aid will never contain a lethal amount of cyanide!