The Crotch Doctor

A big part of this blog is story telling... Stories from my Metro commute, stories from work, stories from my past, stories from Moe Greene's past, stories from the news... lots of stories...

And for the most part, these stories basically true. Sometimes I change a name, or date, or maybe I'll slightly exaggerate a fact for dramatic purposes, but like I said, it's all basically true, and all basically believable.

The reason I'm giving this long explanation about 'truth' and 'exaggeration' is because the story I'm about to tell you is simply not believable... but it happens to be true.

The story involves Moe Greene... his penis... and a dirty old man...

It all began a couple years back after Moe's wife gave birth to their son (which she continues to allege is his). They decided that after 3 kids it was time to retire from the baby making game and his wife got fixed... but a few months later, they had a pregnancy scare.

They called the doctor who had performed her procedure and he admitted that these things were never really 100% effective, and that the only way they could really be sure not to prevent another pregnancy was for Moe to get clipped as well... and so he scheduled an appointment with a urologist.

That urologists name was... Dr... Crouch...

I kid you not, "Crouch" the "Crotch Doctor"... and he was 80 years old... I told Moe right then that he should look into getting another doctor to perform such a "delicate procedure", but he would hear none of it. He let "Crouch the Crotch Doctor" give him a vasectomy and that was that... We never thought about the doctor again... until yesterday that is...

I was browsing my old hometown newspaper, The Frederick News-Post, and who's name do I see sprawled across the front page? Dr. Crouch!

It seems the good doctor got a little too touchy-feely with a woman who was renting out the guest bedroom of his house.

The woman, who was a student at a local college, had just moved in this month and says the unwanted sexual advances started right away. Crouch (now 83 years old) began making comments to her like, "everyone needs sex, it's just like breathing," and grabbed her in a naughty place on several occasions.

She says the advances came almost everyday, but the "highlight" came a couple weeks ago when she was studying in the living room... Crouch entered the room, put a pornographic movie into the DVD player, and turned it on. When she insisted that he turn it off he responded by grabbing himself (in the Crotch), and saying:

"I'm a doctor, I know what you need!"

To make matters worse (or better depending on your point of view I guess), when police arrested Dr. Crouch in his car they found five grams of marijuana under the driver's seat! The only thing that could make this story any better is an embarrassing mugshot... oh wait, we've got one:

Of course as soon as I saw the story I called Moe Greene and read him the details. His immediate response was, "I only spent a couple hours with the man and I don't doubt her story for a second!"

Moe went on to tell me the creepy story about how, prior to his out-patient procedure, he shaved himself really well --"down there"-- because he didn't want the doctor's dirty old-man-hands shaving his most prized possession.

Now you would think that Dr. Crouch would have been thankful that Moe had already shaved himself (you know, one less task for him to take care of) but according to Moe, the old man actually seemed disappointed and insisted on re-shaving "the area" anyway!

I don't know if I can conjure up a creepier scenario then having an 80 year pervert shaving my junk with his cold, trembling hands...

As a side note, Dr. Crouch is apparently really into aviation and actually crashed his plane at the Ocean City Airport over the weekend (before he assaulted his roommate I assume)... And his late brother-in-law was Strom Thurmond... I don't know what any of that has to do with the accusations, but I felt like you needed to know that anyway.

And again, I swear I'm not making this story up, my imagination is just not this good.