When I first wrote about the return of Indy it was way back in February of 2006 and the details were very sketchy. The secrecy involved with the movie continued over the last two years and only recently have some of the juicier plot details really been revealed. Here is what we know so far:
Years have passed since Indy's last adventure and he's been leading the comfortable life of academia as the professor of a small college in Connecticut .
He's pulled back into adventure by a rebellious student (Shia LaBeouf) who has a lead on the "Crystal Skull of Akator".
According to the legend surrounding the Skull, it was stolen from a mysterious 'City of Gold ' deep in the Amazon, and whoever can return the Skull to the city's temple will, allegedly, become the master of the Skull's powers.
Somehow evil Russians will enter the frey (it's 1957 so we're talking full on Cold War era), which is where we'll meet Kate Blanchet. Hopefully, she'll be playing the classic love-hate romantic interest for Indy... I say "hopefully" because I'm deathly afraid that she may somehow be meant for LeBeouf and we might be forced into seeing Indy hook up with decrepit Karen Allen... That would of course immediately change the movie genre from 'Action-Adventure' to 'Tragedy' and I don't know if I'd be able to cope with that.
The setting will jump from New Mexico, to New England, to Mexico City, and finally to Peru.
In case you've been living under a rock, here is what the new movie poster looks like:
To say I'm a little excited about it would be the understatement of the decade. As I type this I'm getting dizzy with the image of Harrison Ford racing through caves with his shirt unbuttoned and the Indy theme music blaring in the background.*
I don't have any set plans yet but nothing short of amputation and/or gonorrhea will keep me from seeing this movie next weekend... I'm also going to try and review the previous 3 flicks sometime between now and then.
When I originally made Indiana Jones the subject of Film Vault Tuesday, I included this list of Rules for Watching Indy movies, lets hope it will still apply after this next sequel:
THE INDIANA JONES RULES
1. Indiana can sense a booby-trap coming… If you’re ever in a dark cave with him and he holds you back and says “Don’t move,” he means it. Don’t fucking move!
2. Indiana can do some crazy shit with a whip… If you’re a hot chick and somebody is about to shoot you, don’t worry, Indiana will appear and knock the gun from the bad guy's hand with his trusty whip… you can also stop worrying about bottomless pits. That's right, if you need to jump across a bottomless pit, Indiana can use the whip to swing himself across the hole as you clutch his manly chest… but only if you’re a hot chick. If you’re a dude, he’ll swing across first and then let you go second. There will be no Dude-on-Indiana chest clutching…
3. Speaking of hot chicks- Indiana bangs hot chicks… No matter what side you’re on- Good or Evil, Indiana will bang the bejesus out of you if you’re hot. Don’t even try to resist his powers.
4. When Indiana discovers a room or vault that hasn’t been opened for Two-Thousand Years, there will always be 800 snakes just hanging around guarding the rooms contents… Forget the fact that most snakes like to be alone- Indiana Jones' movie snakes love to hang out in large groups and protect hidden archaeological treasures.
(note- snakes can sometimes be replaced by tarantulas or rats)
5. Indiana can figure out how to operate anything on the fly... a big truck, a speed boat, a small engine airplane, a horse, a camel, a motorcycle, anything!
6. When a large group of angry blood thirsty Muslims charges Indiana, they must charge one at a time. Sure they could probably take him easily if the whole group jumped on him at once, but that wouldn’t be fair.
7. Never, EVER, fight Indiana Jones near a moving plane or boat propeller that can chop you to bits… it won’t go well for you, just take my word for it.
8. If you're a Nazi, Indiana will kick your ass!
(note- if you're a sexy female Nazi, please refer to rule #3.)
9. At some point during the movie, Indiana’s shirt needs to be torn, exposing his bare chest.
(Man crush alert)
10. And finally, if and when the villain has captured Indiana he can never, EVER, just shoot him in the head… He is contractually obligated to leave Indy for dead in some locked room, vault, or hole assuming he won’t figure out how to escape.
*My man crush for Indy/Harrison is starting to reach creepy levels. Frankly, I may be one Jack Ryan sequel away having "gender reassignment surgery", leaving my wife, and making it my full time job to pursue him until he either [a] agrees to "deflower me" or [b] has me arrested.
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