I made a terrible mistake yesterday morning… I woke up starving and we were all out of bagels. Since I had to buy gas that morning I decided I would pick up breakfast at the gas station instead of swinging by a fast food place like I normally would in this situation… It was bad idea.
I ended up buying two pre-made sausage egg and cheese biscuits that had been sitting under a heat lamp for god only knows how long. I decided to wash it down with a Mocha Frappuccino… I ate it all in the car during my commute. By the time I sat down at my desk things were already going terribly wrong in my stomach… weird noises, bubbly feeling, sharp pains… I knew it was going to be a long day.
I ended up making one of those “half walk/half jog” moves to the bathroom roughly 6 times before it was even noon… Then I skipped lunch, and by the time I was ready to go home I thought the worst was over. Frankly, I didn’t think there was anything left to “get rid of”.
I was wrong.
On my way home I was on the phone with Moe Greene when all of a sudden I realized that I needed to make a pit stop immediately. My colon was at DEFCON 2… I was in the center lane of traffic but that didn’t stop me from cutting off a bunch of cars as I swerved into a McDonald’s parking lot. I made a brief incoherent statement to Moe and then hung up on him… For the seventh time that day I had to make a half walk/half jog* to the bathroom.
My biggest public bathroom fear (aside from the obvious “dirty” factor) is making a lot of noise as I do my business. But there was no helping it on this one… things got noisy.
Luckily the bathroom was empty… or so I thought… Once again, I was wrong.
After a 15 minute ordeal I walked out of the stall and was surprised to see a homeless guy washing himself in the bathroom sink.
“Damn man, sounds like you really tore that bathroom UP!” he exclaimed as he shook his head at me in disgust.
That’s right; a homeless guy using the bathroom sink at McDonald’s to wash himself shook his head at me in disgust! It was certainly one of the lower points of the year for me.
The lesson of course is- never, EVER stop at a gas station for breakfast…
* I've decided to start calling the "half walk/half jog" the "walg".
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Farting in the Shower is a ramblingand ecclectic mix of short stories, embarrasing confessions, pictures, and fast food reviews.
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11 comments:
This was one of thost posts that made me do that snorting/laughing sound at my desk. Thanks.
At least you made it!
This is a HILARIOUS post. It was hard eating and reading at the same time - for two very different reasons. :-)
bwahaha. good thing the year is almost over! you know 10 bucks says you haven't learned your lesson and you'll be back for more cheese and sausage biscuits next year! :p
Here's to no more waiging this year! lol
u just reminded me of a hilarious story, time for me to update le blog!
Hiispanicpundit:
Please explain.
i hate to laugh at the expense of your shame, but i couldn't help it. and i hate to make this worse for you but one of two things, the food was really 'time tempertured abuse' (i know i got all that fancy lingo down packed these days) or someone didn't wash their hands. ewwww....
lauren- but did you almost shit yourself? that would have been fair.
joe- I guess that would be the "glass is half full" way to look at it.
hp-yeah you'll have to expand on that.
cad-the thing is, I knew it was probably a mistake as I was buying them and i did it anyway.
cc- lets hope it was the time temp thing and not some guy with slimy hands.
All I can say is "ew." I'm with cad, it's a good thing the year is almost over.
Oh shit ! pardon the pun.
If a mans got to go he's got to go.
Thanks for the laugh. I needed that this monday.
It was a mixture of laughter and disgust - two feelings that make it hard to eat your food at the same time.
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