Así Es -- A Strip Club Guide

I took two of my nephews to the DC United game on Saturday night. Even though the game ended with a 0-0 draw it turned out to be as eventful as a goalless soccer match could ever hope to be… One of the nephews plays soccer for his high school and has been a soccer fan his entire life but the other, who is visiting from Los Angeles, has never been a fan. He's going home soon, so I was hoping to convert him. I had the feeling that the DC United game atmosphere might do the trick.

We had seats in the section right behind La Barra Brava and they were of course singing, jumping, and letting off smoke bombs through out the game… We got to chant curse words at Cuauhtémoc Blanco… We saw a pretty decent fight at half time… We laughed as the PA announcer butchered the pronunciation of Pollo Campero [it came out as Polo Comp-air-lo]... We even got to see two hot girls make out for a full minute towards the end of the game... It should go without saying (but I'll say it anyway) my nephew will be going back to LA as not only a soccer fan, but a DC United fan.

The kissing girls also reminded me of a post I've been meaning to write for the past year and half- a guide or set of rules for the strip club... I know the connection between kissing girls at a soccer game and a guide to strip clubs may not be immediately apparent, but be patient.

Anyway, here’s what I’ve got so far. Feel free to add anything you feel I’ve missed, or berate me for being a shallow pig of a man:

[1] Pasties… These are the stickers over the nipples. Avoid any place where girls are wearing them… Seriously, why bother?

[2] Remember who you are… This could arguably be the number one rule. There is nothing worse than the guy at the strip club who actually thinks the strippers are really into him… Unless you’re name is Tom Brady or Alex Rodriguez you’re not going home with one of these girls... Let me make this clear, she doesn't really like you... She doesn't even respect you... Just be happy her life has spiraled out of control to the point that she's willing to let you see her naked.

A good friend of mine once got drunk enough to believe there was something special brewing between him and a stripper. Apparently “Sierra” had made the mistake of giving him a little too much eye contact during their lap dance, and now all of a sudden he was sure they had some sort of connection. He went so far as to actually give her his phone number… I was embarrassed just to be sitting with the guy. And now he will NEVER live this moment down! EVER! I bring it up every time we even talk about going to a strip club again. Trust me, you don’t want to be that guy.

[3] Don’t be part of the crowd… You never want to spend your night in an over crowded strip club. It's a bad idea. You end up sitting behind a rowdy bachelor party with an obstructed view of the stage. Not fun.

As a result you spend half the night talking with your friends, you could have done that at home... Not to mention you're paying $5 a drink on top of your $15 cover charge. Plus every two minutes you get a ‘B’ List dancer come by and try to talk you into a regrettable lap dance. There's a reason they don't let her dance on the stage.

It’s actually a good rule of thumb to just avoid all of the bigger, more popular places anyway [Scores, etc]... Yes, they have better looking dancers but the drinks are too expensive, the atmosphere is cold, and in general, they’re just too... polished.

I don’t want my strip club to feel like an organized place of business… I don’t want to feel safe… I don’t want to feel sterile or clean… A strip club should feel like everything was just thrown together at the last second. Some of the tables and chairs should be mismatched... The DJ should fuck up the play list every few songs... The girls should look like they have a past- not like beauty pageant contestants... The bathrooms should creep you out a little... But mostly, you should always feel like things are on the cusp of anarchy… you can’t get that feeling from the bigger places catering to business men.

[4] Check things out… When you first get in don’t go directly to the stage. Gather your friends at a table or booth and have a couple of drinks first. Get a feel for the place. Get yourself mentally prepared. Is the place too crowded? Is it too empty? Are people having a good time or do they look bored? Do the dancers seem friendly? Which one of your friends is going to break rule #2? Who might drink to much and try to fight a bouncer? Where would you hide when/if a shooting breaks out? And of course, watch a few dancers go before you approach the stage. Is the music okay, or are they playing 15 year old Guns 'n Roses songs?

[5] Don’t go during the day… I’ve been to strip clubs during the day several times... There, I've said it. I’m not proud. It's always a bad idea and I now understand that… Usually you’ll be entertained by a group of “veteran” dancers who have 3 kids and have decided to make stripping a career. It’s actually a more personal atmosphere… but that's not necessarily a good thing.

I don’t want to feel personal at a strip club. I don’t want them to know my name. I don’t want to know their real names. I don’t want to know about their life. I don't want them to ask me if I'm married. I don't want them to ask what I do for a living. I don't want to have a talk at the bar with Lenny the alcoholic regular... and I certainly don't want someone to mistake me for a regular!

Here is a true story about the last time I ever went to a strip club during the day:

I had to run an errand in a small town where one of my favorite strip clubs was located… As I was leaving town I passed the club and thought “well, I don’t have anything to do the rest of the day, why not?”

At first I was able to forget it was the afternoon. The place was dark and busier than I would have expected... I had a couple drinks at the bar and then I decided to go sit up at the stage… A couple of guys started to leave as I was sitting down and before I realized what was happening I was alone at the stage… I WAS ALONE AT THE STAGE... I WAS THE ONLY ONE AT THE STAGE... ALERT ALERT... I WAS ALONE AT THE STAGE... YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALONE AT THE STAGE... The dancer came out and had to dance in front of me for the entire song… It was the most awkward 3 minutes of my life.

When the music stopped there was an old man at the bar clapping his approval. I could hear a vacuum running somewhere in the background and I caught a scent of Windex. They were still cleaning up from the night before apparently.

Then the front door opened and sun light poured in for a split second… That’s when it hit me, “I’m at a strip club on a Saturday afternoon...” I suddenly had the urge to take a long hot shower. I won’t say it was the low point of my life, but it felt pretty shitty.

[6] Never use a credit card… this should be a no brainier but believe it or not you still see guys do it from time to time. Not only do you have to worry about how it appears on your bill, but I’ve heard some horror stories about guys being billed outrageous amounts of money and then having to try and dispute the charges.

Nothing should frighten a married man more than having to try and explain to his wife that the bank account has been frozen because he got charged two grand for a lap dance with “Destiny”.

[7] Be prepared to wait… The first time I went to a strip club was a month after I turned 18... My birthday was in January but I didn't have the courage to go alone. Luckily I had a friend who had his 18th in February. So I waited until he was legal and we went together. I'm pretty sure we were the first guys in our high schools to ever go to a strip club.

Predictably, we spent almost all our money in about 10 minutes. And of course we each became enamored with our own strippers. We were convinced that if we got the private dance that something more than just a dance would happen… anyway, we went up to the door guy and paid for our private dances [they were called 'hot seats' in this club, it still cracks me up to picture an 18 year me going up the door guy and saying "I'd like to buy a hot seat with "Summer""].

Anyway, the door guy assured us that it would only be a 20 minute wait—two hours later they finally got our dances… They delay the private dance because they know you're leaving right when you get done, but if you're waiting you'll keep spending money. Which we did… And of course we found out the hard way that the dance (while being a good time) was nothing more than a lap dance with a little bit of a knee job thrown in.

[8] They’re lying… She’s not really in law school. Seriously, she's not.

[9] Don’t be cheap… Look, if any mildly attractive girl came up to you on the street and offered to take off her clothes and dance in front of you with her most personal area roughly 6 inches from you face for 15 to 20 seconds, how much would you offer to pay her?? A lot more than $1 I suspect…

But at a strip club most guys expect to get that same treatment and pay only that one dollar. Or worse yet, they’ll sit close as they can to the stage without actually being at the stage and won't pay anything. That should be illegal. Pay these girls… True, as established in the previous rule, they aren’t really paying for tuition, but they do often have crazy phone bills, outrageous credit card debt, shoe fetishes, and maybe even a coke habit— these girls need your help and you just can’t stretch a dollar like you used to. So reach a little deeper into your pocket and pull out a couple more $1's!

[10] The Bi-Friend… I CAN NOT stress this rule enough... If you have a crazy female friend that likes to get liquored up and kiss girls, you NEED to bring her along. Seriously, don't plan your night without her. When you leave the house and head for the strip club make sure you have a pocket full of $1 bills, breath mints, and a borderline alcoholic-bisexual-female friend.

If I had to sit down and come up with a “Top 5 Night’s in a Strip Club” list, 4 of my top 5 nights would probably involve a bi-curious friend I used to hit the clubs with. God bless her wherever she is today.

For whatever reason strippers are willing to relax the rules [or sometimes even throw them out completely!] when it comes to females… That’s why the DC United game on Saturday reminded me that I needed to finally write this “Guide to a Strip Club” post… Girls kissing!

The only time I’ve ever had a stripper buy me a drink, relax the rules, or give me the kind of private show I've always really wanted- was because I brought my wild bi-curious friend. It’s like having a law degree in prison or a speed boat in Cuba. Suddenly, you’re the most popular guy around.

If there is such a thing a reincarnation, I want nothing more than to come back to life as a hot lesbian girl… And I would spend every weekend of my entire life in a strip club… You’d never pay for a drink, you’d get a 110% effort on every lap dance, and you’d be able to completely throw out rule # 2!