You've Lost That Feeling

I’ve been married for almost 3 and half years. I can safely say that it’s been as happy and fulfilling as any 3 year stretch in my life.

I don’t regret getting married. I don’t wish I could have a do-over, or a take back. I tell the people all the time that it was the best decision I ever made. And I mean it.

But yesterday, I had a depressing fact of marriage smack me in the face and I’ve been in a daze ever since.

It all started with a dream I had the previous night. It was of a summer fling buried deep in my past… from a carefree and more innocent time in my life. A time when my responsibilities were few and my options limitless...

I awoke from the dream and I could smell this long forgotten girl's hair, feel her smooth skin, taste her lips. It was as vivid a dream as I can ever remember having.

I thought about her all day. I thought back to conversations we had. Places we used to go. I made a playlist of songs we used to listen to. I wondered where she was now, how she was… I missed her… Correction… I missed that feeling I had when I was with her… Nervous, hopeful, full of passion, inspired… I remember sitting on my couch waiting for her to show up, I had a just re-changed my outfit or the 3rd or fourth time in the last hour. I was staring at the clock, 20 more minutes!!!! My stomach was turning, my heart was racing… that’s what I miss.

And of course, listening to old music and reading old letters is the closest I’ll ever get to having that feeling again… I’ll never fall in love again. I’ll never have another great first date. I’ll never feel the electricity that surges through your veins when you kiss someone new.

That’s an aspect of marriage that I never thought about before. I mean, clearly I knew that forever was forever… but damn, those were some of my favorite feelings and now they’re stuck in the past.

Well, I guess technically I could have all of those things again, but they would be followed be extreme rushes of panic, fear, and guilt.

And of course, there are some special feelings associated with marriage that replaced those old feelings… Moe Greene and I just went to Vegas a few weeks back. Meanwhile my wife went to Houston to visit her family.

I got back on Saturday night, but my wife didn’t get home until Monday might… Waiting for her return was lonely and dark... but the feeling I got when she opened the front door and walked into our apartment was indescribable. I held her as tight as I could for as long as I could. I felt my eyes water. I wanted that hug to last forever...

I dare say it was a feeling that surpassed any first kiss I’ve ever had...