SPEEDBALLS

Okay it’s been over 2 months since I posted on a regular basis and at the very least I owe an explanation of some sort… and I have a very valid one: Speedballs. A toxic, and very addictive mix of heroin and cocaine that has claimed the lives of notable fat guys such as Chris Farley, and John Belushi. (unfortunately not Jim Belushi but I still remain hopeful).

So there you have it. My excuse is that I’ve become addicted to speedballs.

Okay, that’s not really true. But I have become addicted to two other vaguely similar toxic substances that produce a relatively equal high: Government Work and the Sony PSP.

The Government job makes me slow, groggy, and totally unaware of the world around me. Sometimes it even makes me nod out… just like heroin. You know, except for the track marks and hepatitis.

And just like a heroin addict, I’ve grown to need and depend on my drug… To be honest, I don’t know if I could ever work a real job again.

Can you imagine working in a place where the people in charge couldn’t fire anybody, couldn’t force them to work, and are actually forced to use PORMOTION as a last resort to get rid of problem employees!?!

Well that’s what having a government job is like… I actually go above and beyond my job description every day and I’m STILL left with about 2-3 hours of free time… and I’m not even counting my lunch hour!

A couple of weeks ago I was actually chastised by a supervisor for agreeing to do more work than I have to do… seriously.

Here is a quick story that sums up the Government Worker experience:

As you know, former President Gerald Ford died a few weeks back… There is an unwritten rule that when a President dies, the Government will be getting a day off. In the case of me and my co-workers, there is actually a semi-legit argument for getting the day off; the funeral at the Capitol Building fucks everything up and nothing can get done that day.

But the case for Gerald Ford presented a little problem… the date of the funeral actually fell on the weekend when we were all already off… To make things worse, the Monday following the funeral was actually New Year’s Day, a day we already getting off anyway!?

In short, Gerald Ford screwed us over!

The prevailing sentiment around the work place could be summed up like this: “Why couldn’t he have held on a couple more days! It’s not fair, it’s not fair, damn it, damn it, damn it, it’s not fair!?!?!”

All week as the funeral was being planned government employees were worked into a frenzy over the fact that a president had died and they might not be able to get a day off.

Conflicting rumors ran wild about how the scenario would play out, before finally, at the last minute George W. Bush stepped up and made the decision to give everybody the day off on Tuesday the 2nd of January… as a day of “mourning.”

That meant we got off Saturday, Sunday, Monday (New Year’s), and of course Tuesday- the day of mourning…As far as I’m concerned, it’s the only thing “W” or Ford ever did for me.

But that’s not the end of the story!

You see, there is another written rule about days off and government workers… the day before a holiday (or in this case, the Friday before a Monday off) we get to go home after half day…

So that Friday we were notified that we could leave at 11:30… BUT, someone I work with heard from a cousin who works somewhere else on Capitol Hill that other workers were being let off at 11 instead of 11:30!

This incensed my co-workers and they spent the entire morning discussing how badly they’d been screwed over by being held an extra 30 minutes!

And that’s my job. Everyday. Show up on time, look busy (if you want), and don’t stab, grope, punch, or scream racial slurs at your coworkers… And if you DO happen to stab, grope, punch, and/or scream racial slurs at your co-workers just say you’re an alcoholic and you need help… If at some point you actually do manage to get anything done then you’re “a real go-getter.”

Heroin… directly into the vein.

Which is where the cocaine comes in… My Sony PSP… Video Games, UMD Movies, MP3’s, wireless internet access, and downloaded videos (see porn)... All in the palm of my hand. It’s addictive as hell.

I only use it at lunch, on breaks, or in the bathroom. And the guilt of being able to use it at work actually made me increase my production... but still, it destroyed any hope of me returning to posting regular blog entries.

And it’s not like I haven’t had anything to blog about. I’ve got about 10 different blog posts that I’ve started and taken to almost completion before I tossed them aside and forgot about them.

Heroin and Cocaine… My days are a foggy haze of sleeping co-workers and sound of my PSP buttons clicking away.