Role Player

Well I just got back from the annual “guys” weekend beach trip… We don’t really do anything that could be classified as stereotypical male behavior. All we do is watch movies and have heated arguments over hypothetical questions like, who is better- Pacino or De Niro? [as a group I think our conclusion that Pacino is more versatile, but De Niro has had the more enviable list of credits to his name]

The other big debate, which was a spin off of that last question was, are De Niro and Pacino done?

To my shock and disappointment both Moe Greene and Mike So Def (the final member of the group) both seem to agree on the fact that both of those great actors are basically done and “will never do anything significant again”!?

As is stands Mike So Def is claiming that neither of them "will ever play a significant role in a significant movie again".

This argument literally almost caused a fist fight in a moving car, which is pretty pathetic…. Really I’m only writing about the whole debacle as a way to create a public record that I’ll be able to point to later on when my idiot friends are proven wrong.

Besides the big argument, we watched a bunch of movies- 3 of which I had never seen:

“In America” (Decent movie- 7.25, a little too corny for my tastes)

“The Royal Tenenbaums” (managed to be really good even though Ben Stiller and both Wilson brothers were involved. 8.25)

And, “Dog Day Afternoon” (I know shameful that it took me this long to see it, I gave it a 9.0)

As good as the movies all were, it was a single character in one of the movies that sticks with me… Every now and then I’ll see a movie and one particular character or role just grabs me and makes me say “I would have killed to play that part!”

When I come across one of these roles, it’s not only that I want to try the part, I’m actually 100% convinced that I could play the part- perhaps even better than the real actor did! And I’m talking about professional, talented, sometimes even legendary actors.

Regardless, I just know I could nail the role.

I base this on the fact that I was did a really great monologue in Drama class my 9th grade year… Overall, the class was an absolute disaster for me.

The very first day of class our first assignment was to do the “Fall Backwards” trust activity, and I just couldn’t… I was the only one who couldn’t do it, so of course the teacher then decided to have me do it in front of the whole class with me as his partner.

I still couldn’t do it… and then he got angry… he thought I was trying to show him up or something, but I was actually just not capable of letting myself fall backwards into someone else’s arms.

When he finally realized that I couldn’t (or in his opinion wouldn't) do it, he said in front of everyone (and very tersely I might add), “If you really can't do this than you probably need therapy or something.”

Did I mention that this was also my first day of High School?

Anyway, surprise, the class didn’t go very well for me. The teacher was a jerk to me all semester and I never felt comfortable with any of the other kids in the class… I put forth a minimal amount of effort while watching clock and praying not to be called on.

When the final assignment was given I was straddling the border of passing or failing… The assignment was to act out a scene from a play, with a partner, on the auditorium stage, in full costume, in front of the entire class… and because the teacher liked me so much, as a partner he gave me the only guy in class who wanted to be there less than me; a kid named Joe who had recently been released from a Juvenile Detention Center and was not in the class by choice.

Of course, when the big day arrived my partner decided he would rather violate his parole by skipping school rather than show up for our Drama I final exam.

Now I was the only person on stage and someone would be reading my partner’s lines off stage.

Right before I went on I realized that, not only was I capable of doing my part well, but I actually wanted to do it well… I walked on stage feeling like I was the character and in my humble, modest, and only slightly biased opinion- it was the greatest acting job in the history of the stage.

Afterwards the teacher came up to me and said it was the best performance he had seen from anybody in the class all year long, and that he was giving me a perfect score… despite the fact that he was big enough to come up to me and tell me that, I still hate him to this day.

After my flawless performance I decided to retire from acting right then and there. I was going out on top.

Sure I could probably be the greatest actor of my generation if I wanted to, but I choose not to…. However, every now and then I see a role that I love and I think, “I could nail that role…”

I have compiled a short list of those roles… of course we have to ignore some trivial facts such as “when the movie was made”, “whether I have the body type or age to play the role”, and of course we’re supposed to assume that someone would actually give me the role.

So, what we’re left with is a list of roles that I could have played if time, age, and physical appearance were not a factor... and don’t re-read that sentence more than four times or you’ll start bleeding from your eyes:

[1] Leon, “Dog Day Afternoon”- this was the role that caught my eye over the weekend. Leon plays a homosexual who wants to have a sex change operation… His entrance into the movie is quite shocking and dramatic… He starts out on the cusp of being the comedic stereotype gay man before he reels himself in just in time to become a touching character with depth and emotion. If you’ve seen the movie, you remember Leon.

[2] Lenny, “Of Mice and Men”- The ummm, special needs side kick from the screen version of the Steinbeck classic. He was played very well by John Malkovich, but I feel pretty strongly that I could have done an equally good job.

[3] Tony T., “Carlito’s Way”- The aging mob boss that Sean Penn smacks with a crow bar and leaves in the Hudson River. He has a very good scene in the prison visiting room where he puts a fright into Sean Penn. I feel I could have been a little more subtle without losing any of the scary… Ignore the fact that I’m 26 and not remotely Italian looking…

[4] Ray Kinsela, “Field of Dreams”- This is the father at the end of the movie… He only gets the one scene, but it is the climax of the movie … The guy who did the scene is so bad he almost ruins the whole thing. And I’m not just talking about his feminine throwing motion either, most of his lines sound… goofy… But not if I had done it!

[5] God, “The Messenger”- I think I’ve mentioned this before when I did the Film Vault Tuesday on this movie… This would clearly be my most ambitious role, you know, playing God and all... And I doubt that I could have played it better than Dustin Hoffman, but I could have been good.

[6] Scotty G, “Boogie Nights”- No way I could be better than the great Philip Seymour Hoffman, but this would be one of the coolest to ever play. You get to dress up in the goofy outfits, make a lot of really creepy comments, there are a ton of funny lines, AND there is the scene where PSH stole my heart by flashing the entire range of emotions in about 10 seconds… for my money it might be the best small part in the history of modern movies... so of course, I would have no problem taking care of that role too.