Fight Night Diary

***Sports Warning*** I'm attempting to write a diary of Saturday Night's big Boxing Match. As always, I will attempt to make it readable for non-sports fans... So far I'm only about 50/50 in doing that. But here we go!

Okay here we are coming to you LIVE from the couch in Joel's living room and its fight night! It's the rematch between Bernard Hopkins and Jemain Taylor. The first fight was a solid and very physical fight that ended in a controversial decision that gave Jermain Taylor the Title...

(when you hear the word "controversial" used to describe a judge's decision in boxing it's code word for "Bull Shit").

We just ate our pre fight meal... I cooked my world famous Tomato Soup and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches meal. I must say it was a pretty big hit.

Usually on a fight night I have a big expert crew with me, but tonight we're a little short handed... Aside from myself we've got:

My wife Morena (she's picking bread crumbs off her sweater right now)

My Mom (about to fall asleep on the floor)

My Sister Jessica (about to fall asleep on the couch)

and Rosie the Cat (She's cleaning herself in a very dirty place right now... not very lady like!)

So that's it... That's who I'm watching the fight with. Me and a bunch of women. It could be a long night.

Just for the record, I'm rooting for Bernard Hopkins. He's one of my All-Time favorite fighters, so I'll be honest and say I might have a biased point of view... Hopkins has all the great features I love in a boxer:

-Has a cool nickname, check. (He's called "The Executioner")

-Has been to prison, check. (In his early 20's he made his living by robbing drug dealers... what can I say, he's a gentleman and a scholar)

-Has beaten the crap out of Oscar De La Hoya, check. (He knocked Oscar out with a punch to the liver in September of last year)

-Is Insane, check. (well you already read the part about robbing drug dealers... beyond that I can't really think of a way to sum up his craziness at the moment but I know Bernard and I have faith that he'll do something crazy tonight that will help me explain)

-Unintentional Comedy Factor, check. (He used to wear an actual executioner mask when he walked into the ring. He also has that weird ex-prisoner habit of trying to use big words in the wrong context... if that's not Unintentional Comedy, well I don't know what is.)

-Great Fighter, check. (Until his "controversial" loss to Taylor a few months ago, he hadn't lost in a decade... seriously)

In short, I have really enjoyed the Bernard Hopkins era and I'm not ready for it to end. But the cold hard truth is, he's getting old and I don't know how much time he has left. I'm hoping he's got at least one last great performance in him, we'll see...

The pre-fights are over. The last one ended a little faster than expected so that means we're in for lots of stalling for time and rambling commentary from HBO's "experts".

10:35- The crowd gets really excited and for a second I think the fighters are about to come out for the fight... but no, apparently the crew from "Rocky 6" is here and they're filming a scene in the crowd... Sylvester Stallone is 61 years and he's playing a boxer, yet I'm sure half the country will go to see this crappy movie the week it comes out.

10:43- I predicted there would be a crazy Bernard Hopkins moment tonight and Bernard didn't let me down... They just showed an interview with him from earlier today and had this exchange with a reporter:

Reporter: Bernard, you say that in your last few fights, you haven't had the passion. They've been all bussiness... Why is that?

Bernard: Silk underwear man. Silk boxers... I never bought silk underwear but I've been fighting with a silk underwear mentality...

I told you he was crazy!

10:49- HBO is still stalling. Jessica looks like she might fall asleep. I ask her if she's awake and she yells at me. "I'm not going to fall asleep! Leave me alone."

10:56- Jessica is officially asleep on the couch.

11:00- The ring announcer, Michael Buffer (aka The "let's get ready to rumble" guy) grabs the microphone to introduce the National Anthem singer. "a very special guest, and very special performer........................ R. Kelly!"

The crowd responds to R.Kelly with a stunned silence followed by a mixture of boos and polite cheers.

The Anthem starts and there's a bizarre background music accompanying the song. Also, several couples dressed in full evening attire are dancing around the ring as R.Kelly gives his "very special" performance... the only way I can describe it is- sureal.

Rosie the Cat is underneath the Christmas Tree trying to chew on an extension cord. My mom is screaming at her... Morena is rolling her eyes... Jessica is still asleep... I'm still in a daze over the R. Kelly National Anthem.

11:03- Bernard Hopkins comes out of the dressing room. He's wearing the executioner mask and James Brown's "I Feel Good," is his entrance music... I told you he was crazy.

Opps, I spoke too soon. Apparently they were playing the wrong song. Bernard stops his entrance while the PA announcer guy gets the music straight. The song was supposed to be "A Man's World" by James Brown... Bernard is still wearing the executioner mask.

11:05- Jermain Taylor comes out with some undistinguishable rap song... I explain the R. Kelly situation to my mom... "Why would he video tape that?!"

11:09- Lets Get Ready to Rumble!!!!!

Jessica's still asleep. Rosie is staring at the Christmas Tree with a crazy look in her eyes. I'm ready for the fight!

11:12- ROUND ONE, Jermain Taylor runs out after the bell and throws a couple of wild punches that miss. He then puts Bernard in a head lock and tries to hit him in the back of the head several times... This is highly illegal and the referee warns him. Sadly, that's the best action of the round. Both guys are nervous and tentative. But Bernard is a little more active so he's winning on my very unofficial score card.

Hopkins- 10
Taylor- 9

ROUND TWO, More of the same. Nobody wants to be the first to take a risk. I give the round to Taylor.

Hopkins- 19
Taylor- 19

ROUND THREE, Okay this is officially a boring fight. I'm okay with that, but my Mom and Morena look like they might join Jessica and fall asleep.

Hopkins- 28
Taylor- 29

ROUND FOUR, Finally the fight starts to speed up. Bernard Hopkins lands several hard shots and a couple of head butts... It's only illegal if you get caught. Score the round for Bernard.

Hopkins- 38
Taylor- 38

ROUND FIVE, Jermain Taylor lands several jabs and controls the round. I'm officially worried. This is looking a lot like the last fight and although most experts thought Bernard won that fight, the judges did not. So if this fight looks just like the last one then... well I'm nervous.

Hopkins- 47
Taylor- 48

ROUND SIX, Taylor is landing a lot of jabs, but Hopkins is doing all the little things that will help late in the fight... i.e. Punching Taylor on the hip, hitting him with elbows, pushing his forearm into Taylor's eye. All of that is technically illegal but too quick for the referee to catch. So even though Taylor won the round, I'm feeling better about Bernard’s chances.

Hopkins- 56
Taylor- 58

ROUND SEVEN, The round starts out with Rosie the Cat making a mad dash for the Christmas tree. She's got some kind of plastic wrapper in her mouth and my Mom is trying to talk her into coming out from under the tree. Good luck with that.

Meanwhile, Hopkins is having a big round. He's landing some really hard shots. Taylor's nose is bleeding.

Hopkins-66
Taylor-67

At the end of the round, Taylor doesn't look so good. His trainer is trying to get him pumped up leading to this exchange-

Trainer: All right Jermain, you need to get back into this fight... Do you remember what to do when Bernard ducks down low?

Taylor: Um...

Trainer: Come on, What are you gonna do?!

Taylor: Um... [mumbles incoherently]

Trainer: Yeah!!! Let's do it!!!

ROUND EIGHT, Idiot announcer Roy Jones starts off the round by saying this: "Right now Jermain Taylor is trying way too hard to be clearant with his punches..."

Really Roy, clearant?

Bernard dominates the round. Jermain Taylor manages to land a nice punch right before the bell rings, but it was clearly a round for Hopkins.

Hopkins-76
Taylor-76

After the round Hopkins' trainer gets a little too excited about the big round and forgets about the cameras. "You a bad mutha f*cker, Bernard. A bad mutha f*cker! Don't play no sh*t, whup his ass! You hear me? Whup his ass!"

How come sound advice like that can never come in a fortune cookie?

ROUND NINE, A very close round, but Hopkins starts landing some hard shots in the final 30 seconds. He wins another round and now leads on my very unofficial score card.

Hopkins-86
Taylor- 85

ROUND TEN, This round starts with more wisdom from HBO analyst Roy Jones... "Hopkins is winning the fight, but I'm not saying if I think he's ahead or behind in the fight."

This fight cost me $49.95 but I think I would have paid that much just to hear Roy's pearls of wisdom.

Bernard Hopkins dominates the round. Taylor looks like he wants to be somewhere else.

Hopkins-96
Taylor- 94

ROUND ELEVEN, Best round of the fight so far. Taylor hits Hopkins with a really hard combination that clearly hurts him. For a second it looks like he might be in serious trouble, but he regains his composure and lands some good shots of his own. It's not enough for Hopkins to win the round though. I score it for Taylor.

Hopkins-105
Taylor- 104

Some of those rounds were really close and I could see how the judges could go either way. Regardless, it's a very close fight and this 12th and final round could decide it.

Taylor's trainer is trying to get him pumped up for the final round, but Taylor clearly has no strength left.

The trainer's voice is now cracking like a 13 year old boy getting his ass kicked by puberty... He's been reduced to making incoherent high pitched squealing noises.

Bernard Hopkins' corner is calm and collected.

ROUND TWELVE, Bernard Hopkins seems to sense the moment. He's about to turn 41 years old, and this could be the last fight. This could be the last round.

He jumps on Taylor right away landing a blistering left hook followed up by a blatant low blow. The Referee gives him a brief warning and the fight continues.

Jermain Taylor clearly has nothing left and is doing his best to avoid exchanging punches at all costs... Hopkins has him hurt and wobbly with 40 seconds left so Taylor starts holding on.

Even if Jermain Taylor wins this fight, I'll never be a fan. This is a close fight and yet he's not finishing strong. That's what made me turn on Oscar De La Hoya. He's got a lot of talent but heart is what wins over boxing fans, and I don't see any of that. He's younger, stronger, and more talented than Bernard- where's the courage?

The round ends with both fighters in the middle of the ring missing with wild punches. One of the HBO announcers (Jim Lampley) tries to make it sound dramatic screaming that Taylor landed a "huge" combination as the bell rang. I guess we're supposed to ignore the fact that he clearly missed each punch by a foot. That pretty much sums up the whole fight. A lot of hype but nobody did much.

My final score card looks like this:

Hopkins- 115
Taylor- 113

I think Hopkins won, but I could also see how someone could have scored it as a draw. It was a very close fight.

Taylor's left eye is swollen shut. He doesn't look like a guy who thinks he just won a fight.

The Judge's score cards are in.

All three judges score the fight 115-113, and the winner is............

Jermain Taylor

Yuck... even Rosie the Cat looks disappointed. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. This is boxing and sometimes the conclusions seem incomplete or unfair.

To me, the final punch statistics say it all. Hopkins landed 130 punches and Taylor landed 124... but the real indicator is in the power punches. Hopkins landed 101 power punches and Taylor landed only 60.

As we're cleaning up the dirty dishes and getting ready to call it a night, a spider runs across the carpet. He's coming right for me.

Morena is frozen with fear. I let out a regrettable yelp... Thankfuly, just before the spider gets to me, my mom runs over to smack it with a shoe. It was the best punch landed all night.

Jessica awakes just in time to watch the spectacle unfold through her sleepy eyes... When it's all over she stumbles upstairs to bed, dragging her blanket behind her. She never even asked who won the fight...

I'll let HBO Analyst and Rhodes Scholar Roy Jones Jr. get the last word-

"Even though Hopkins lost the fight, I think he showed him very well for his self."

Well said Roy. Well said...