The Wizards take on Hollywood

The Washington Wizards started their season Wednesday night, and just in time too, because frankly... I need them!

The Nationals had a great inaugural season, but sadly, baseball has gone into hibernation.

The Redskins are 4-3, but they're coming off the most embarrassing regular season loss ever suffered by a Skins team in my life.

The U. of Maryland football team can be described as mediocre at best, for the second straight year... and Terps basketball doesn't really get exciting until we get into the Conference schedule, which starts in January.

So I need this... I need the Wizards, I need to watch a decent sports team to get me through the next few months.

I hate my job, I'm broke, I officially regret moving back to my hometown of Frederick, MD (a.k.a. my personal hell)... So like I was saying, I need the Wizards to have a good season, and I need to write a season preview to help me get out of this funk.

Does that sound pathetic? Sure...

Do you guys want to read about a good but not great NBA basketball team? Probably not...

Will I subject you to reading it anyway? Of course...

Do I enjoy asking myself questions? Clearly...

Okay, so here we go, my preview for the 2005-06 Washington Wizards... Keeping with tradition, I will be using Movies as a theme to attempt to make Sports understandable for non-Sports people.

Last time I used The Godfather, but some people hadn't seen it (which still amazes me), so this time I'll use actors/actresses.

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LAST YEARS TEAM- MARK WAHLBERG:

To tell the story of this years Wizards team, you have to go into last years team... I would equate them to Mark Wahlberg... When you heard Marky Mark was going to try his luck as an actor, you weren't expecting much. You probably even chuckled... I mean come on, he was like 2 years removed from dancing around in his boxers, singing "Good Vibrations!" Plus he used to be a fringe member of the New Kids on the Block posse... and now he wanted to be taken seriously!?!? Sure, whatever you say Marky.

But guess what? Marky Mark has put together a nice career. Sure he's been in some bad movies (Four Brothers, Rockstar), but he's also starred in Boogie Nights, and is now a name actor who can choose what scripts he wants... Not to mention that he's the Executive Producer for the HBO hit "Entourage", which is based on his life.

The Wizards story is pretty much the same... Their 2003-04 record was 25-57, and they hadn't won a playoff game since the mid-eighties! They were Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch asking to be taken seriously... and of course nobody did. Then they started winning games... and somehow, they kept winning.

They finished 45-37, and then had the audacity to go out and WIN a playoff series! Not just a game, but a series! To me, that's the equivalent of the end Boogie Nights when Marky Mark whipped out his 12" little helper, looked into the mirror and said, "I'm star, I'm star, I'm a star!"

THE OFF-SEASON- KEVIN SPACEY:

Have you ever seen Kevin Spacey pick a bad role? Nope, never... Not every movie he's been in was a hit, but still, you'd be hard pressed to find a role that he should be embarrassed about. Just about every big name actor has a few of those roles they'd like you to forget, but Spacey just doesn't have them... and that's how I would describe the Wizards off-season. Flawless.

They almost got duped into paying too much money for an injury prone shooting guard (Larry Hughes) but they didn't. Despite pressure from the fans, Hughes' agent, and the euphoria of having legitimate success for the first time in a decade they were able to stay cool and level headed.

They went out and acquired 3 solid players (Caron Butler, Antonio Daniels, and Chucky Atkins) for half the price of keeping Hughes. This team might not be a big hit, but it won't embarrass the Wizards decision makers either.

So now that we're up to speed, here is this year's team:

THE STARTERS

GILBERT ARENAS- ED NORTON:
Ed Norton is the best actor that nobody talks about. He's been masterful in every leading role he's had... (With the exception of The Italian Job, a performance that he clearly mailed in but we're going to cut him some slack. Why? Because he had just been dumped by Selma Hayek and wouldn't you go into a funk after losing this?):

Yeah, I thought so... Well Gilbert Arenas is Ed Norton in the sense that he's a really, really, really good player who doesn't seem to get the Star publicity he deserves. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY can guard him one on one. League experts and other players recognize Gilbert as an elite player, but mainstream NBA audiences don't... yet.

ANTWAN JAMISON- SAMUEL L. JACKSON:

Samuel L. always puts in a quality performance. When you're naming big name actors, you never really think of him, but just check out this resume: Star Wars Episode II and III, Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction, A Time to Kill, Jurassic Park, Patriot Games, Do the Right Thing, Jungle Fever, Menace II Society, and even Goodfellas! That's quite a run... He's been in so many great movies but you know what? He's just not a leading man. He's a great #2 or #3 actor, but when you let him carry a movie here's what you get: Shaft... that's right! A Box Office bomb with an IMDB Rating of 6.0, YUCK.

Now check out Antwan Jamison's career numbers:

19.2 points, and 7.3 rebounds per game... Pretty impressive right? But of course he's being played by Samuel L. Jackson, so there must be a connection, and here it is: Not a leading man... in the 4 years at Golden State when he was asked to be the Star player here was the teams record: 95 wins and 233 losses! That's the equivalent of the Gross Sales for Shaft.

But here's the good news... Much like Samuel L, Antwan thrives in the co-star role. In Dallas he came off the bench for a playoff team and took home the "6th Man of the Year Award" for the League's best bench player... and last year, working as Gilbert Arenas' side kick, he made his first All-Star team. He's working on a nice "supporting role" resume.

CARON BUTLER- ROBERT DOWNEY JR:
Caron Butler is the new guy with a checkered past, and this is his third team in four years... Downey Jr. had the heroin problem and had more chances to clean up than Dwight Gooden...

Caron had some legal problems when he was younger but looks to have turned the corner... Downey Jr. has been incident free for the last few years.

Caron's got all kinds of talent and has shown flashed of brilliance and the ability to be a team player... Downey Jr.'s brilliance was in Chaplin and then was a team player when he swallowed his pride and became a cast member on Alley McBeal during those few years when that show was mystifyingly popular.

Still, I wouldn't be surprised to wake up in the morning and find out that Caron got pulled over for driving 100 mph through a residential neighborhood with weed and a gun in the passenger seat... just like I wouldn't be surprised to wake up one morning and find out the Downey Jr. went on a week long coke/heroin binge that ended with him wandering into a neighbors house to pass out in their 10 year old daughter's bedroom... oh wait, that really happened.

ANTONIO DANIELS- JOHN LEGUIZAMO:
He's the most underrated player on the team, and John is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood... You need John to be funny? He can do that (Moulin Rouge... not that I ever watched that, um, no, never) You need John to be a serious actor? He can do that (Summer of Sam)... You need John to be a scary gangster? He can do that too (Benny Blanco from the Bronx in Carlito's Way)... Hell, he can even do successful one man show's on Broadway!

And that's Antonio Daniels in a nutshell. On any given night, Antonio figures out what the team needs from him, whether it scoring, passing, hard nosed defense, or a big offensive rebound, he can do it... And if Gilbert goes down for a week or so, Antonio can step in and lead the team until the real star gets back.

BRENDAN HAYWOOD- MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY:
At first it looked like he was going to be a big star (Dazed and Confused, A Time to Kill), then he kind of settled into a career of mediocre romantic comedies (EdTV, The Wedding Planner, How to Lose a Guy in blah blah blah)... and that's Brendan' story as well. He showed all kinds of potential and talent in his rookie year but has been pretty much hit or miss ever since. He sleep walks through at least a dozen games per year... Don't get me wrong, he's a decent player, but let's just say he won't be carrying his team to any big victories.

THE BENCH

CHUCKY ATKINS- VING RHAMES:

Chucky is just a back up point guard who won't kill your team when he gets in the game. But the Ving Rhames comparison comes into play because Chucky got to play a small role when the Pistons won a Championship 2 years ago, and Ving got to play a small role in Pulp Fiction, a top 20 movie on just about every movie list... I know that's a stretch but let's see you try to come up with an actor who reminds you of Chucky Atkins!?!

JARVIS HAYES- TOM SIZEMORE:

If you're making a war movie, Tom's your man (Saving Private Ryan, Blackhawk Down, Pearl Harbor, he's always the same guy)... and if you've got an open 3 point shot, Jarvis is your guy... Neither of them are good at doing much else, but they are damn good at that one role.

ETAN THOMAS- BARRY PEPPER:
They're both favorites of mine, and they both could really shine in the right situation if given the chance... Barry was great in Saving Private Ryan, Green Mile, 61*, 25th Hour, and The Dale Earnhardt Story... okay scratch that last one, I'd like to pretend it never happened.

But trust me, he's going to be a star one day, even if I have to hold a gun to some casting director's head.

JARRED JEFFRIES- COLIN FARRELL :
They both suck and I don't know why either of them are still getting pay checks.





MICHAEL RUFFIN- GARY BUSEY:

They're both really goofy looking, bring a lot of energy to the table, and while it's nice to see them now and then, you don't want them to play a prominent role in your movie/game.


COACH EDDIE JORDAN- SPIKE LEE:
Spike directs a very distinct and unmistakable style of movie... You know when you're watching a Spike Lee Movie or Documentary... And it's the same with Eddie Jordan, his teams play a very distinct style: lots of passing, back door cuts, up tempo offense, not a lot of defense, fun to watch... But much as Spike has not yet hit that one great movie (he came close with 25th Hour, Malcolm X, and Do the Right Thing), nobody has ever won a championship with that kind of style. He came close when he was the assistant coach/man behind the curtain in New Jersey.... but the bottom line is- it remains to be seen how far you can go with Eddie's style, just as it remains to be seen if Spike can put it all together for that one true masterpiece despite his awkward style that can put some people off. (not me, but some people).

FINAL ANALYSIS

I think the Wiz will improve on what they started last season... of course they'll fall short when they play the Elite teams in the East: Indiana, Detroit, Miami, etc.

But it will be an entertaining season none the less. I see them putting together a 48-34 record and then getting eliminated in the second round of the playoffs.

They will give me heart burn approximately 15 times, I'll freak my wife out screaming at the referees at least 50 times, and we'll lose at least 4 games because Brendan Haywood has no heart... But the good news is Gilbert Arenas will finally get some credit for being the Star he is...

It will be like that movie Collateral with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx... It was a good movie, but it wasn't great... It was entertaining, but it had some plot holes... It won Jamie Foxx an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, but everyone remembers his Oscar for Ray a little more... And that's the way I see the Wizards season. They'll be a good, but not great team... but we'll remember it more as the season Gilbert Arenas won league MVP!

Will I regret that prediction in 6 months? You bet I will!