Friday, March 27, 2009
Once Again...
...Well just like the last time I tried to use my custom domain, blogger stopped redirecting the old address to the new one... the only difference is that this time they're aware of the issue and are even allegedly working on fixing it. so for now, it's back to the blogspot address... oh well...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Life in the Fast (food) Lane - Bojangles
When I started thinking about the various issues involved with doing a fast-food review column, one of the biggest potential dilemmas had to do with regional restaurants. FITS has a fairly diverse geographical list of readers; would people in Southern California, for example, be interested in reading about Chic-Fil-A, a restaurant exclusive to the Southern Atlantic Coast region?
The answer to that is, of course, "I have no fucking idea..."
A couple weeks ago, I would have said, 'no', but then last week's LFFL generated some talk about places like, "Jack 'n the Box," and something called, "Wienerschnitzel's." Being from the East Coast, I've never seen either of those places in my life. You would think I would have been bored by such talk, but actually, Moe Greene and I ended up having at least two phone conversations about what it might be like to eat at a "Jack 'n the Box" or "Wienershnitzel's". We were fascinated with the idea and loved hearing about something new and foreign to us.
As far as LFFL is concerned, I've decided that I'll be sticking mainly with national fast food chains, but I'm also not going to shy away from reviewing something regional every now and then. And with that in mind, I give you this:
Bojangles: 2 piece fried chicken meal with fries and a biscuit
Bojangles' official name is actually, "Bojangles' Famous Chicken 'n Biscuits," so I figured this had to be the best meal to judge them on.
Location: Talk about obscure and regional... I actually wasn't even aware Bojangles existed up until about 3 months ago! Apparently, they're big in the South and particularly the Carolina's. In the DC area, however, they've only got five locations... and to make matters worse, all those locations are in some of the seedier sections of the Maryland "suburbs".
One is located just across the street from Prince George's Community College where my nephew William is a student. He was curious about it so he stopped in one day after school in the Fall semester; he's been eating there at least 3 times a week ever since. In fact, over winter break he missed it so much that he made me hop in the car with him and head over to his school just to feed his craving.
For this review however, we decided to swing by the, "New Carrolton," location because it was closer to my apartment... The area basically consists of a Metro Stop, a couple of rundown shopping centers, and some low-rent apartment communities. Let's just say, I doubt it would be very hard to find someone to sell you good weed in New Carrolton, and leave it at that.
Service: We (my nephew and I) have actually been to this location a couple of times, and learned the hard way that their drive-thru is a mistake. So yesterday, we went inside to place our ordered. We both made the exact same order, to the exact same woman. She was actually the manager, but after ringing us up she only gave me a drink cup; William got nothing. She told him that "a drink wasn't a part of his meal," so he had to buy it separate. Aside from that bizarre moment, the service was quick and we were back on our way home in about 3 minutes.
Meal Review: I'll start with the fries... Even though Bojangles is so quick to promote their biscuits and chicken, they really should consider giving equal billing to their fries. They're somewhere between being potato wedges and fries actually, and are full of flavor. Adding to the regional flavor of Bojangles, I think they throw in a pinch of either Old Bay Seasoning, or something similar... For those of you not from the DC/Maryland area, Old Bay is a spice from Baltimore that's made specifically for cooking crabs, but we use to put on any random food we want to add flavor to. We'll put it on every type of seafood, subs, fried chicken, potato salad, chips, and of course... fries!
My only complaint about the Bojangles fries is that they don't give you enough in a medium order... If they would go the Checkers or Arby's route of overloading you with fries, I'd probably eat there every other day.
The biscuit, for all the promoting they do, is actually a little bit of a disappointment. It is a moist, butter-milk biscuit with decent flavor and all, but it's not necessarily better than say, a Popeye's biscuit for example... I'd rate it as "above-average" which would be perfectly fine had they not gotten my hopes up by touting it as "famous".
The chicken however, does not disappoint in any way, shape, or form... The skin has a good texture; crisp but not overly crunchy. The meat is moist, fresh, and packs plenty of flavor. It destroys KFC, though that isn't saying much. I'd say I prefer it to Popeye's as well, but that's more of a personal preference than a comparison of quality.
The one and only knock I could come up with against the Bojangles chicken is that it's only halfway spicy... On the first few bites, I tasted a hint of hot spice, and that confused my taste buds a little. It made me start expecting things to heat up a little on subsequent bites, but it never did. I found myself wondering the whole time, "is this supposed to be spicy or not?"
My opinion on things like that is, if you're going to throw in some spice, really do it... make me have to reach across the table and take a swig of my drink after every other bite! And if you're not going to go the spicy route, well then, don't do it at all.
Cost: After taxes, my total came out to a little over 5 bucks... Considering the amount of food you get, that's actually a really good deal. It compares quite favorably to the other chicken options out there.
Obesity Break-Down: Anytime you thrown fried-chicken into the mix, you know its going to get ugly... just the two pieces of chicken alone added up to 40 grams of fat! In total, the meal topped out at 1161 calories and 71 grams of fat. I've certainly taken in plenty more than that in one fast-food meal, but that why I'm fat!
Summary: Obviously, anytime you're reviewing a meal, the bottom-line question should be: "Would you recommend it?"
And my answer to that is: "Absolutely!"
But when reviewing a rather obscure regional chain, I think the sub-question has to be: "Should I go way out of my way to give it a try?"
The answer to that is not quite as easy.
I probably wouldn't drive more than 20-30 minutes to eat there, but if you should for whatever reason (like buying weed perhaps) find yourself in the vicinity of one, you should definitely make time... and if you're hungry and actually drive past one, well then, you should cut across 3 lanes of traffic to pull into their parking lot without thinking twice. Especially if you're a chicken lover.
Overall, I'm giving it a solid 8 out of 10 rating. I really enjoyed it, and I'm sure I'll be back sometime soon.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Film Vault Tuesday
As you can see, FITS got it's nails done, legs waxed, and new extensions put in the hair weave over the weekend. I hope you like the new changes, and if not, well just keep it to yourself. As you all have probably figured out, I can be a bit of an over-analytical obsessive type at times; I could spend day after day making small tweaks in the blog layout and never be 100% satisfied with the finished product. To avoid that, I decided to pick something "good enough" and stick with it regardless. So like it or not, this look is going to be around for quite some time.
In addition to the layout, I've added an "About" section with a link to an introduction post, as well as an archive specifically devoted to "Film Vault Tuesday" on the side column. In the future, I plan on adding an archive for "Life in the Fast (food) Lane," but since I've only written one post so far in the series, I figured that would be a bit premature.
For right now, the plan is to begin posting FVT more often (and maybe reworking it a bit), and of course, making "Life in the Fast (food) Lane," (LFFL) as close to a weekly instalment as I can.
We'll see how it all works out in the not too distant future, but for now, here is the latest installment of Film Vault Tuesday:
Title: Election (1999)
Credits: Matthew Broderick, Resse Witherspoon, Chris Klein, directed by Alexander Payne
Why?: More than just about any movie that comes to mind, Election, does a great job of capturing the essence of high school. We all knew a teacher like Mr. McAllister, and we all knew students like Tracy Flick, and Paul Metzler. And remarkably, the movie holds up very well.
When I first saw it, I was only a year or two removed from graduating high school. So obviously, I could relate to it. But last week I watched it with my nephew who just graduated from High School last year, and he kept saying things like, "Oh my god, our assemblies were just like that," or, "he reminds me of this history teacher I had." That's a good indication that the movie still translates.
I think the keys to this movie remaining relevant are: [a] it uses themes that are universal through time (teenage angst, lust, high school suck-ups, star quarterbacks, etc). And [b] there are no really obvious time period references... The music, the clothes, the hair styles, nothing screams out, "this was made in the early 90's."
When you watch at John Hughes movie about High School (and I don't mean this to be a criticism) you are always aware that it was made in the 80's. That's one of the best parts about re-watching a Hughes movie, but I don't think that was necessarily an intended result. When you watch "Election", you don't see anything obvious to tell you if it was 2006, 1996, or 1986.
And of course, it's really, really funny... The script was apparently adapted from a novel of the same name that I've always wanted to read, but haven't yet had the chance. Witherspoon and Broderick are both very good in their roles, and for whatever negative things you want to say about Klein's ability, you can't question his comedic timing.
It's also pretty cool to watch Ferris Bueller all grown up, and now playing the role of a burnt out teacher, struggling to handle a "problem" student.
Remote Scene Stopper: I absolutely, cannot, change the channel or turn the movie off until I have see Chris Klein give his, "why you should elect me," speech in front of the school. We all remember the nervous feeling of giving a speech in high school, and Klein nails it perfectly; He speed reads through what should have been a good speech, not pausing for punctuation, and never looking up once to make eye contact. It cracks me up every time.
I've heard that speech in high school. I've given that speech in high school.
Tear/LOL Factor: No tears, but there are several "laugh out loud" moments. In addition to the above referenced Klein speech, I find myself rewinding to laugh at the entire Broderick attempted affair debacle almost every time I watch the movie.
Overall: It's no Roman Polanski or Philip Thomas Anderson film, but then again, it's not trying to be. It's a straight forward High School comedy with star power and themes that anyone can relate to. It's a quick, it's funny, and it never disappoints. Whether you haven't seen it in 6 years or just saw it two months ago, you'll can pop in the DVD today and still enjoy it.
In addition to the layout, I've added an "About" section with a link to an introduction post, as well as an archive specifically devoted to "Film Vault Tuesday" on the side column. In the future, I plan on adding an archive for "Life in the Fast (food) Lane," but since I've only written one post so far in the series, I figured that would be a bit premature.
For right now, the plan is to begin posting FVT more often (and maybe reworking it a bit), and of course, making "Life in the Fast (food) Lane," (LFFL) as close to a weekly instalment as I can.
We'll see how it all works out in the not too distant future, but for now, here is the latest installment of Film Vault Tuesday:
Title: Election (1999)Credits: Matthew Broderick, Resse Witherspoon, Chris Klein, directed by Alexander Payne
Why?: More than just about any movie that comes to mind, Election, does a great job of capturing the essence of high school. We all knew a teacher like Mr. McAllister, and we all knew students like Tracy Flick, and Paul Metzler. And remarkably, the movie holds up very well.
When I first saw it, I was only a year or two removed from graduating high school. So obviously, I could relate to it. But last week I watched it with my nephew who just graduated from High School last year, and he kept saying things like, "Oh my god, our assemblies were just like that," or, "he reminds me of this history teacher I had." That's a good indication that the movie still translates.
I think the keys to this movie remaining relevant are: [a] it uses themes that are universal through time (teenage angst, lust, high school suck-ups, star quarterbacks, etc). And [b] there are no really obvious time period references... The music, the clothes, the hair styles, nothing screams out, "this was made in the early 90's."
When you watch at John Hughes movie about High School (and I don't mean this to be a criticism) you are always aware that it was made in the 80's. That's one of the best parts about re-watching a Hughes movie, but I don't think that was necessarily an intended result. When you watch "Election", you don't see anything obvious to tell you if it was 2006, 1996, or 1986.
And of course, it's really, really funny... The script was apparently adapted from a novel of the same name that I've always wanted to read, but haven't yet had the chance. Witherspoon and Broderick are both very good in their roles, and for whatever negative things you want to say about Klein's ability, you can't question his comedic timing.
It's also pretty cool to watch Ferris Bueller all grown up, and now playing the role of a burnt out teacher, struggling to handle a "problem" student.
Remote Scene Stopper: I absolutely, cannot, change the channel or turn the movie off until I have see Chris Klein give his, "why you should elect me," speech in front of the school. We all remember the nervous feeling of giving a speech in high school, and Klein nails it perfectly; He speed reads through what should have been a good speech, not pausing for punctuation, and never looking up once to make eye contact. It cracks me up every time.
I've heard that speech in high school. I've given that speech in high school.
Tear/LOL Factor: No tears, but there are several "laugh out loud" moments. In addition to the above referenced Klein speech, I find myself rewinding to laugh at the entire Broderick attempted affair debacle almost every time I watch the movie.
Overall: It's no Roman Polanski or Philip Thomas Anderson film, but then again, it's not trying to be. It's a straight forward High School comedy with star power and themes that anyone can relate to. It's a quick, it's funny, and it never disappoints. Whether you haven't seen it in 6 years or just saw it two months ago, you'll can pop in the DVD today and still enjoy it.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Life in the Drive-Thru
Arby’s: Chicken, Bacon, & Swiss
[Large Curly Fries, Large Pepsi]
The Arby’s website describes the sandwich as, “[a] Crispy white meat chicken breast fillet topped with thick cut pepper bacon, Swiss cheese and honey mustard, all served on a toasted sesame seed bun.” Based on my long history with the "Chicken, Bacon, & Swiss", I’d tend to agree with that statement.
They describe the curly fries thusly, “Perfectly seasoned ringlets, fried to a golden brown and served hot…” Once again, I’ll say that’s fairly accurate.
As noted in my previous post, I have a long history with Arby’s. I have both served and eaten this sandwich more times than I’d like to admit. The key is the honey mustard sauce; too much and it overwhelms the senses, not enough and the result is a dry and tasteless sandwich.
Location: I bought this meal at the Arby’s in Ellicott City, Maryland. That’s more in the Baltimore area than the DC area, but my company’s home office is right down the street so I find myself in the area once every couple weeks.
The restaurant is located in the corner of a busy shopping center that includes a drug store and a grocery store; it’s a great place to park, eat, and people watch.
Service: I went through the drive-thru at a little before 5 pm. That meant they were done with the lunch rush but still not quite ready for the dinner rush. This is always a risky time to grab fast food. Inevitably, you either get food left over from lunch that’s been sitting under a heat lamp, or you end up waiting forever on your order because nothing is ready… In this case I was able to get through the drive-thru in less than 2 minutes so I knew right away I was probably getting lunch leftovers. See for yourself…
The Review: As you can tell, my theory was proved correct. In this situation it looks like my food has been sitting under a heat lamp for roughly 3 weeks.
You’re also probably thinking, “What happened to the fries Joel? Are you such pig that you couldn’t resist munching on the curly fries before you could even snap a picture?”
To answer your question, I am a pig, and I was tempted to get an early start on those fires, but that’s the actual amount of fries I was given in my order… I wasn’t surprised by that… Arby’s almost always does this. Their large fry box is such an obscene size that they can very rarely deliver on the promise of filling it. Of course, even at 75% full that’s still a ton of fries; the partially empty box just made it look small. When you take the box out of the way you get a much better feel for the true quantity.
This is a really simple sandwich… bread slice, chicken, cheese slice, bacon, sauce, bread slice… And that’s it. You’d have to try pretty hard to find a way to fuck that up, but congratulations to the food prep guy for finding a way against all odds!
Like I mentioned before, the one variable is the honey mustard sauce and that’s where things went bad. He either forgot the sauce completely, or put on such a small dab that I never tasted it.
But the bottom line is, even a “Chicken, Bacon, & Swiss” that’s been sitting under a heat lamp and half empty box of Curly Fries is still one of the better fast food options on the market. It’s a proven fact that chicken, cheese, and bacon are as fine a match as Lindsey Cohan, cocaine, and genital warts.
Cost: Arby’s is one of the pricier options in the world of fast food… But for that extra cost they deliver bigger portions, and (in theory) a slightly better quality food product… I think I paid roughly $7.50 for this meal but I forgot to hold on to the receipt so I can’t be 100% positive. Give me a pass on that, it’s my first review…
Obesity Break Down: According to the nutritional breakdown on the Arby’s website, my meal contained 1448 calories and 61 grams of fat.*
For comparison, Farting in the Shower contributor, Moe Greene, took in 1760 calories and 94 grams of fat in his now infamous “Last Supper” back in 2006. That meal so unhealthy that I recall doing a Google search for ‘CPR techniques’ as he was eating it, you know, “just in case”… so the fact that the totals for this meal were not actually dramatically less than his is down right frightening.
Summary: In the end I chalk this up as a mediocre meal with extenuating circumstances… I’ve eaten the Chicken, Bacon, & Swiss enough times to know that it’s usually much better. But had this been my first experience with it I would have walked away waddled away disappointed.
I can recommend the sandwich, but advise you to give a try during peak hours so you don’t encounter the lunch left over effect I went through.
6.5/10
* I suppose I could have deducted a percentage of the calories and fat to compensate for the missing fries, but that would have made the meal look a little healthier, and their intent in dicking me out of those fries was not to make the meal healthier, it was to avoid cooking another basket of fries just to fill my order.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Don't Worry About Animal
Have you ever noticed that when you learn a new word, see a new movie, or find out some new fact, all of a sudden it starts popping up in your life?
You find out that “canard” is a word used to describe “an unfounded, false, or fabricated report or story”; then two days later you hear someone describe Lou Dobbs’ entire career as a case study in the use of “canards” and suddenly, it all makes sense.
If you finally decide to sit down and watch a famous movie that you’d never bothered to see before, I guarantee that you’ll hear at least a half-dozen references to that movie over the next few months. Is it just a coincidence, or have you been unconsciously suppressing references to that movie for years? It’s hard to say.
On Monday I was listening to a “This American Life” podcast entitled “The Wrong Side of History,” when a perfect example of the topic of the show popped up into my life.
In the segment in question, Adam Davidson --an international economics correspondent for NPR-- is trying to convince his cousin D.J. that he has made a horrible mistake by dropping out of college. To help him win his argument, Adam elicits the opinions of Pietra Rivoli, an economics professor at Georgetown.
Without getting into all of the details, D.J. has gone through a series of blue-collar construction jobs. Surprisingly, Dr. Rivoli says that she’s not worried about D.J. or his future. She says that the people she worries about are low-skilled workers whose jobs have been, or will be outsourced. There will always be a need for blue-collar skilled workers. This country will always need people to drive trucks, repair cars, and build houses.
It’s all a matter of perception. Professional people are sometimes guilty of confusing education with intelligence, which is a terrible mistake. I’ve known people with graduate degrees that I wouldn’t hire to be a crossing guard, and conversely, two of the most intelligent men I’ve ever known only managed to get to the 10th grade.
I was walking to work as I was listening to this podcast. I have a routine I go through every morning. As soon as I get in, I walk over to the boiler room where the snack machines are located. I buy a 20 oz bottle of Dr. Pepper and one small bag of Cheeze-Its. The noise in the boiler room usually drowns out the sound of my ear-buds, so I paused the podcast discussion between Adam and D.J.
When I got to the machines I was hit with the terrifying realization that the soda machine was only accepting exact change; all I had were three $1 dollar bills. The soda is $1.50 and the Cheeze-Its are $0.90. The math didn't add up... Anybody who really knows me knows that if my routine gets thrown off in any way, shape, or form, I’m a total mess. I needed that Dr. Pepper. I needed those Cheeze-Its.
Not knowing what to do, I simply stood there staring at the machines for roughly 30 seconds in total disbelief.
Suddenly, a maintenance mechanic by the name of “Animal” walked up on the scene… let me give you some background on “Animal”. First of all, I have no idea what his real name is. I’ve known the guy for 4 years and I’ve never heard anyone call him anything other than “Animal”. He’s like 5’5” with long, unruly hair, a thick beard; he smells like beer, he’s always smoking a cigarette, and I once saw him shoot a snot rocket 30 feet across the parking garage of the Rayburn House Office Building… He reminds me a little of Charles Manson only his hair is brown as opposed to black.
So anyway, “Animal” walks up, looks at me, and looks at the machine, sizing up the situation… Without saying a word he takes a dollar bill from my hand, slides it into one of the other machines, presses the “return change” button, and out come 4 quarters…
“Now you got exact change,” he mumbled as he handed me the change and walked away. A cigarette was dangling from his lip the entire time.
It was the perfect scenario to bring my podcast discussion to life… Blue-Collar skill isn’t going anywhere, education doesn’t equal intelligence, you don’t have to worry about D.J., and you certainly don’t have to worry about “Animal”.
You find out that “canard” is a word used to describe “an unfounded, false, or fabricated report or story”; then two days later you hear someone describe Lou Dobbs’ entire career as a case study in the use of “canards” and suddenly, it all makes sense.
If you finally decide to sit down and watch a famous movie that you’d never bothered to see before, I guarantee that you’ll hear at least a half-dozen references to that movie over the next few months. Is it just a coincidence, or have you been unconsciously suppressing references to that movie for years? It’s hard to say.
On Monday I was listening to a “This American Life” podcast entitled “The Wrong Side of History,” when a perfect example of the topic of the show popped up into my life.
In the segment in question, Adam Davidson --an international economics correspondent for NPR-- is trying to convince his cousin D.J. that he has made a horrible mistake by dropping out of college. To help him win his argument, Adam elicits the opinions of Pietra Rivoli, an economics professor at Georgetown.
Without getting into all of the details, D.J. has gone through a series of blue-collar construction jobs. Surprisingly, Dr. Rivoli says that she’s not worried about D.J. or his future. She says that the people she worries about are low-skilled workers whose jobs have been, or will be outsourced. There will always be a need for blue-collar skilled workers. This country will always need people to drive trucks, repair cars, and build houses.
It’s all a matter of perception. Professional people are sometimes guilty of confusing education with intelligence, which is a terrible mistake. I’ve known people with graduate degrees that I wouldn’t hire to be a crossing guard, and conversely, two of the most intelligent men I’ve ever known only managed to get to the 10th grade.
I was walking to work as I was listening to this podcast. I have a routine I go through every morning. As soon as I get in, I walk over to the boiler room where the snack machines are located. I buy a 20 oz bottle of Dr. Pepper and one small bag of Cheeze-Its. The noise in the boiler room usually drowns out the sound of my ear-buds, so I paused the podcast discussion between Adam and D.J.
When I got to the machines I was hit with the terrifying realization that the soda machine was only accepting exact change; all I had were three $1 dollar bills. The soda is $1.50 and the Cheeze-Its are $0.90. The math didn't add up... Anybody who really knows me knows that if my routine gets thrown off in any way, shape, or form, I’m a total mess. I needed that Dr. Pepper. I needed those Cheeze-Its.
Not knowing what to do, I simply stood there staring at the machines for roughly 30 seconds in total disbelief.
Suddenly, a maintenance mechanic by the name of “Animal” walked up on the scene… let me give you some background on “Animal”. First of all, I have no idea what his real name is. I’ve known the guy for 4 years and I’ve never heard anyone call him anything other than “Animal”. He’s like 5’5” with long, unruly hair, a thick beard; he smells like beer, he’s always smoking a cigarette, and I once saw him shoot a snot rocket 30 feet across the parking garage of the Rayburn House Office Building… He reminds me a little of Charles Manson only his hair is brown as opposed to black.
So anyway, “Animal” walks up, looks at me, and looks at the machine, sizing up the situation… Without saying a word he takes a dollar bill from my hand, slides it into one of the other machines, presses the “return change” button, and out come 4 quarters…
“Now you got exact change,” he mumbled as he handed me the change and walked away. A cigarette was dangling from his lip the entire time.
It was the perfect scenario to bring my podcast discussion to life… Blue-Collar skill isn’t going anywhere, education doesn’t equal intelligence, you don’t have to worry about D.J., and you certainly don’t have to worry about “Animal”.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Diary of a Step Dad
“I took ‘dickhead’ to the park to play baseball today… the bastard is actually talented. He wouldn’t be so awful to live with if he wasn’t such a little asshole…”
The “dickhead” was Moe Greene, and he was only 9 years old at the time that was written. The author of that flattering commentary was Moe’s step dad Jim.
When I met Moe Greene, his family rented a house a couple streets down from mine. Nearly all of the neighborhood population was made up of old people. And by old, I mean elderly. They had already raised their kids, retired, and were now waiting to die. It wasn’t a very fun place to grown up. Out of the 200-300 houses in the neighborhood, there were actually only 20 or so households that had kids.
So when Moe Greene and I discovered each other, it was a little like hitting the lottery. We spent just about every waking moment, of every day, together. Life was that way for about a year until, one day, Moe was gone… He wasn’t on the school bus; I didn’t see him after school, he was nowhere to be found… Nobody answered his door, there were no cars in the driveway, they were just gone.
Then one day, my mom said she saw someone over at Moe’s house carrying boxes out the door. I ran over as quickly as I could and rang the bell.
Moe’s stepdad, Jim, answered the door… I should probably explain that during all my interaction with Moe, we were almost always at my house... His house was scary... We weren’t allowed to make any noise, or touch anything. This was because of Jim… I never saw him do or say anything mean, but for whatever reason, everyone was afraid of him.
“You kids better be quiet or you’re going to upset Jim,” his mother would warn us; or “You better not let Jim catch you messing with his stuff, you know how he gets…”
Moe always took the threats very seriously, so in turn, I did as well… I grew to be terrified of the man. He never spoke to us, he always appeared to be in a bad mood, and he had deep, sunken, serial killer eyes.
So you can imagine my fear when I knocked on the door in search of Moe Greene and Jim answered the door.
“Umm… hi, is Moe there?”
“Moe’s gone,” he replied in a somber tone. It was the first time I’d ever heard him speak.
“Gone? What do you mean?”
“They moved… he and his mother, they moved out…”
“But… where did they go?” I asked, now in a total panic. (Remember, Moe was my only friend and now he had mysteriously vanished)
“How the fuck would I know?” he curtly replied.
And then he shut the door in my face.
It would be a couple of months before I finally heard from Moe again. His mom apparently called my mom, and asked if Moe could stay with us for a week or so. It seems times were tough in the Moe Greene household. So he came to stay with us for a while.
Of course, I asked about what had happened. Where had they gone? Why had they gone? Etc.
For his part, Moe didn’t really have a lot of answers… all he knew was that his mom and Jim had a fight and they had moved out in the middle of the night.
After staying with us for that week, Moe and his mom would make sporadic appearances in our lives. We wouldn’t hear anything from them for a couple weeks… then he’d all of a sudden pop up and stay a few days… then he’d be gone again… They moved around a lot, rented rooms, stayed with friends, and finally they got their own apartment.
Around that time, Moe’s mom met a decent guy and they finally had some stability at home… but of course, this is when my home life started getting a little messy. All of a sudden it became my mom asking Moe’s mom to take me in for a week here and there.
Moe’s mom was about 5 foot tall, weighed 80 pounds, drove a car that the size of a parade float, chain smoked generic brand cigarettes, cussed like a sailor, loved telling stories, and was always trying to embarrass Moe Greene. So naturally, I loved her. As the years went by she became like a second mom to me.
Sometimes, when she was in a really good mood we would ask her about Jim, and the time they had to mysteriously move out in the middle of the night. Was he cheating on her? Did he get violent? Was he on drugs? What the hell happened?
The only thing she would ever tell us is that she found his diary and that it had some bad stuff in it… that was it… she wouldn’t say what the diary said, or give any indication as to what it was about. It was just bad.
Being curious kids, we of course obsessed about this mystery diary. We would come up with wild scenarios for what it might have contained… Maybe he was planning to rob a bank, assassinate a politician, or was a fugitive from justice… or maybe he was just gay… It was a topic of late night discussion and pondering for several years.
As we grew older, we stopped thinking about it so much. We never really forgot the diary completely, but we had girls, music, and sports to discuss… the diary just stopped being a topic.
And then one day, we found it.
We were going through some boxes in a closet of the guest room and there it was, the mysterious ‘Jim’ Diary. It had his name on it and everything. And technically, it wasn’t really a diary or a journal per say, it was more of a day planner…. He wrote a couple small paragraphs in the square for each day, and if I remember correctly, it actually spanned several years in one planner. We had stumbled onto what essentially amounted to 3 years of the man’s life.
We took the diary back to Moe’s room, opened it up, and started reading the passages out loud. The first one we came across contained the quote I used to lead the story… It called Moe a “dickhead”, a “bastard”, and “a little asshole”. This would prove to be a major theme of the diary. Page after page was devoted to Jim talking about what a little jerk Moe Greene was. Almost exclusively, he referred to him as “the dickhead”, “the asshole”, or when he was being nice, “the brat”.
Keep in mind, Moe was between the ages of 7 and 9 years old at the time. And to be fair, he really was kind of a jerk, as much as any 9 year old can be I guess. Moe was the type of kid that figured out in the first grade that he was smarter than all the other kids and probably half of the adults… but he couldn’t keep that to himself. He had to tell everyone else around him how dumb they were, pointing out their flaws at every opportunity. He couldn't turn that off. Neither could I. It's probably part of the reason we forged such a strong bond; nobody else could stand us.
He wasn't the ideal kid to get stuck with in a relationship. I mean, if you're going to date a single mother, you're hopping to get the kid from Jerry Maguire, not smart mouth kid who would make fun of the shirt you were wearing and snicker anytime you tried to tell him what to do… but then again, he was just a little kid. And it’s not easy to hate a little kid, but Jim did. In fact, he said as much at least two dozen times in 1989 alone!
But Moe wasn’t the only target of Jim’s hatred and resentment; his mother got her fare share as well. She was usually referred to as “the bitch”, “the hag”, or “the cunt”. He talked about how moody she was, how much he despised the sound of her voice, and sometimes, how much he wanted to get away from her.
But mostly, he just bitched about Moe.
Moe was always touching his stuff, leaving messes in the living room, and arguing with everyone… But what pissed Jim off most about Moe, was the fact that he was smart. It really bothered him that such superior intelligence would be wasted on a rotten, ungrateful child. Many times he wondered why he couldn’t have been blessed with the talents Moe had been blessed with. I remember one entry in particular where he marveled at Moe’s abilities in math; “if I had been blessed with a brain like that maybe I wouldn’t be shacked up with such an evil hag and working a crap job…”
As the months went on his entries went from anger, to jealousy, to utter depression. The guy really had a miserable life. It certainly wasn’t fair to blame Moe, but at the same time, we couldn’t help but feel a little bit of sympathy for him. Every single day of his life was reduced to short, single paragraph summaries like: “had a shitty day at work, got home, argued with the bitch about the asshole, he was messing with my baseball cards again, I wish this life would end…”
All of his entries had a similar quality where they were so pathetic, and so heartbreakingly honest, that they were actually funny. Reading the diary was like going on an emotional journey. We’d start out with outrage at what a prick he was, then we’d crack up for an hour so at how hilariously pathetic he was, and then we’d get depressed right along with him.
I was 17 at the time, and Moe was 16. Had we found the diary when we were younger, it might have left some emotional scars. As thick skinned as Moe was, reading that an adult/pseudo-father figure thought you were an asshole might not have been all that easy to handle… Not to mention all the stuff about his mom.
But like I said, we were at the right age. We could put it all in proper perspective. It taught us that adults were just people, and that they didn’t all necessarily have things figured out; they could be just as fucked up and clueless as we were… I think that’s an important part of the story.
Eventually, we ended up losing the diary… We would always put it back in the same place where we had found it, but then one day we went to get it out and it was gone. We had lusted after it for so long, finally found it, and then just as suddenly as it had come into our lives, it was gone.
I told Moe I was planning on writing about the diary for the blog. We laughed about some of the stuff that we remembered, and tried to remember some of the stuff we had forgotten. We’re pretty sure Moe’s Mom must have thrown the diary out when she was renovating the guest room. We decided that we would chip as much as $100 each if it meant we could somehow track it down. But we know, it’s probably lost forever.
When I think back on my fading memories of Jim, he’s still an adult, and we're still little kids… but in reality, he probably wasn’t that much older than we are now.
And of course Moe is a father now. He has 3 kids, a mortgage, and lots of adult things to stress out about. He has his good days and his share of bad days as well. A couple weeks ago, his pre-kindergarten aged son decided to practice his golf swing in the living room; he ended up smashing Moe’s beloved 32” wide screen HDTV.
If Moe had a diary, I wonder what kind of entry he might have written on that day? I'm sure he was angry. I'm sure he was frustrated. But he's actually a fairly patient and understanding father. I don't think he could write about his kids the type of things Jim wrote about him. He's a better man than Jim was, and probably still is. Maybe a small part of that is because we found that diary.
Sometimes, seeing a bad example can be just as valuable as seeing a good one.
The “dickhead” was Moe Greene, and he was only 9 years old at the time that was written. The author of that flattering commentary was Moe’s step dad Jim.
When I met Moe Greene, his family rented a house a couple streets down from mine. Nearly all of the neighborhood population was made up of old people. And by old, I mean elderly. They had already raised their kids, retired, and were now waiting to die. It wasn’t a very fun place to grown up. Out of the 200-300 houses in the neighborhood, there were actually only 20 or so households that had kids.
So when Moe Greene and I discovered each other, it was a little like hitting the lottery. We spent just about every waking moment, of every day, together. Life was that way for about a year until, one day, Moe was gone… He wasn’t on the school bus; I didn’t see him after school, he was nowhere to be found… Nobody answered his door, there were no cars in the driveway, they were just gone.
Then one day, my mom said she saw someone over at Moe’s house carrying boxes out the door. I ran over as quickly as I could and rang the bell.
Moe’s stepdad, Jim, answered the door… I should probably explain that during all my interaction with Moe, we were almost always at my house... His house was scary... We weren’t allowed to make any noise, or touch anything. This was because of Jim… I never saw him do or say anything mean, but for whatever reason, everyone was afraid of him.
“You kids better be quiet or you’re going to upset Jim,” his mother would warn us; or “You better not let Jim catch you messing with his stuff, you know how he gets…”
Moe always took the threats very seriously, so in turn, I did as well… I grew to be terrified of the man. He never spoke to us, he always appeared to be in a bad mood, and he had deep, sunken, serial killer eyes.
So you can imagine my fear when I knocked on the door in search of Moe Greene and Jim answered the door.
“Umm… hi, is Moe there?”
“Moe’s gone,” he replied in a somber tone. It was the first time I’d ever heard him speak.
“Gone? What do you mean?”
“They moved… he and his mother, they moved out…”
“But… where did they go?” I asked, now in a total panic. (Remember, Moe was my only friend and now he had mysteriously vanished)
“How the fuck would I know?” he curtly replied.
And then he shut the door in my face.
It would be a couple of months before I finally heard from Moe again. His mom apparently called my mom, and asked if Moe could stay with us for a week or so. It seems times were tough in the Moe Greene household. So he came to stay with us for a while.
Of course, I asked about what had happened. Where had they gone? Why had they gone? Etc.
For his part, Moe didn’t really have a lot of answers… all he knew was that his mom and Jim had a fight and they had moved out in the middle of the night.
After staying with us for that week, Moe and his mom would make sporadic appearances in our lives. We wouldn’t hear anything from them for a couple weeks… then he’d all of a sudden pop up and stay a few days… then he’d be gone again… They moved around a lot, rented rooms, stayed with friends, and finally they got their own apartment.
Around that time, Moe’s mom met a decent guy and they finally had some stability at home… but of course, this is when my home life started getting a little messy. All of a sudden it became my mom asking Moe’s mom to take me in for a week here and there.
Moe’s mom was about 5 foot tall, weighed 80 pounds, drove a car that the size of a parade float, chain smoked generic brand cigarettes, cussed like a sailor, loved telling stories, and was always trying to embarrass Moe Greene. So naturally, I loved her. As the years went by she became like a second mom to me.
Sometimes, when she was in a really good mood we would ask her about Jim, and the time they had to mysteriously move out in the middle of the night. Was he cheating on her? Did he get violent? Was he on drugs? What the hell happened?
The only thing she would ever tell us is that she found his diary and that it had some bad stuff in it… that was it… she wouldn’t say what the diary said, or give any indication as to what it was about. It was just bad.
Being curious kids, we of course obsessed about this mystery diary. We would come up with wild scenarios for what it might have contained… Maybe he was planning to rob a bank, assassinate a politician, or was a fugitive from justice… or maybe he was just gay… It was a topic of late night discussion and pondering for several years.
As we grew older, we stopped thinking about it so much. We never really forgot the diary completely, but we had girls, music, and sports to discuss… the diary just stopped being a topic.
And then one day, we found it.
We were going through some boxes in a closet of the guest room and there it was, the mysterious ‘Jim’ Diary. It had his name on it and everything. And technically, it wasn’t really a diary or a journal per say, it was more of a day planner…. He wrote a couple small paragraphs in the square for each day, and if I remember correctly, it actually spanned several years in one planner. We had stumbled onto what essentially amounted to 3 years of the man’s life.
We took the diary back to Moe’s room, opened it up, and started reading the passages out loud. The first one we came across contained the quote I used to lead the story… It called Moe a “dickhead”, a “bastard”, and “a little asshole”. This would prove to be a major theme of the diary. Page after page was devoted to Jim talking about what a little jerk Moe Greene was. Almost exclusively, he referred to him as “the dickhead”, “the asshole”, or when he was being nice, “the brat”.
Keep in mind, Moe was between the ages of 7 and 9 years old at the time. And to be fair, he really was kind of a jerk, as much as any 9 year old can be I guess. Moe was the type of kid that figured out in the first grade that he was smarter than all the other kids and probably half of the adults… but he couldn’t keep that to himself. He had to tell everyone else around him how dumb they were, pointing out their flaws at every opportunity. He couldn't turn that off. Neither could I. It's probably part of the reason we forged such a strong bond; nobody else could stand us.
He wasn't the ideal kid to get stuck with in a relationship. I mean, if you're going to date a single mother, you're hopping to get the kid from Jerry Maguire, not smart mouth kid who would make fun of the shirt you were wearing and snicker anytime you tried to tell him what to do… but then again, he was just a little kid. And it’s not easy to hate a little kid, but Jim did. In fact, he said as much at least two dozen times in 1989 alone!
But Moe wasn’t the only target of Jim’s hatred and resentment; his mother got her fare share as well. She was usually referred to as “the bitch”, “the hag”, or “the cunt”. He talked about how moody she was, how much he despised the sound of her voice, and sometimes, how much he wanted to get away from her.
But mostly, he just bitched about Moe.
Moe was always touching his stuff, leaving messes in the living room, and arguing with everyone… But what pissed Jim off most about Moe, was the fact that he was smart. It really bothered him that such superior intelligence would be wasted on a rotten, ungrateful child. Many times he wondered why he couldn’t have been blessed with the talents Moe had been blessed with. I remember one entry in particular where he marveled at Moe’s abilities in math; “if I had been blessed with a brain like that maybe I wouldn’t be shacked up with such an evil hag and working a crap job…”
As the months went on his entries went from anger, to jealousy, to utter depression. The guy really had a miserable life. It certainly wasn’t fair to blame Moe, but at the same time, we couldn’t help but feel a little bit of sympathy for him. Every single day of his life was reduced to short, single paragraph summaries like: “had a shitty day at work, got home, argued with the bitch about the asshole, he was messing with my baseball cards again, I wish this life would end…”
All of his entries had a similar quality where they were so pathetic, and so heartbreakingly honest, that they were actually funny. Reading the diary was like going on an emotional journey. We’d start out with outrage at what a prick he was, then we’d crack up for an hour so at how hilariously pathetic he was, and then we’d get depressed right along with him.
I was 17 at the time, and Moe was 16. Had we found the diary when we were younger, it might have left some emotional scars. As thick skinned as Moe was, reading that an adult/pseudo-father figure thought you were an asshole might not have been all that easy to handle… Not to mention all the stuff about his mom.
But like I said, we were at the right age. We could put it all in proper perspective. It taught us that adults were just people, and that they didn’t all necessarily have things figured out; they could be just as fucked up and clueless as we were… I think that’s an important part of the story.
Eventually, we ended up losing the diary… We would always put it back in the same place where we had found it, but then one day we went to get it out and it was gone. We had lusted after it for so long, finally found it, and then just as suddenly as it had come into our lives, it was gone.
I told Moe I was planning on writing about the diary for the blog. We laughed about some of the stuff that we remembered, and tried to remember some of the stuff we had forgotten. We’re pretty sure Moe’s Mom must have thrown the diary out when she was renovating the guest room. We decided that we would chip as much as $100 each if it meant we could somehow track it down. But we know, it’s probably lost forever.
When I think back on my fading memories of Jim, he’s still an adult, and we're still little kids… but in reality, he probably wasn’t that much older than we are now.
And of course Moe is a father now. He has 3 kids, a mortgage, and lots of adult things to stress out about. He has his good days and his share of bad days as well. A couple weeks ago, his pre-kindergarten aged son decided to practice his golf swing in the living room; he ended up smashing Moe’s beloved 32” wide screen HDTV.
If Moe had a diary, I wonder what kind of entry he might have written on that day? I'm sure he was angry. I'm sure he was frustrated. But he's actually a fairly patient and understanding father. I don't think he could write about his kids the type of things Jim wrote about him. He's a better man than Jim was, and probably still is. Maybe a small part of that is because we found that diary.
Sometimes, seeing a bad example can be just as valuable as seeing a good one.
Monday, March 16, 2009
"Psycho George", Unfiltered
For the last few weeks I've been struggling to find a decent balance in my life... Last week was particularly challenging; I had 2 research papers, 1 photojournalism project, and a Sleazy Confession Award show that were all due at various points throughout the week... plus the University of Maryland was fighting for their basketball lives in the ACC Tournament, so I had to watch that, and oh yeah, I have a job too... Last week, school, work, blogs, sports fanaticism, they were all involved in a nasty collision at the intersection that is my life... to be perfectly honest, I'm still not sure how I was able to survive the crash.
This week however, I get a bit of a break... Spring Break to be more specific. No classes, no papers, no projects due. I still have to go to work, but because I've gotten so used to having no free time, this actually feels like a vacation. I want take to the streets and celebrate! I can kind of understand now, how a relatively normal 19 year old girl ends up drunk, and starring in some creepy guy's vacation video, with cheap beads hanging from her neck, and her boobs proudly exposed for the whole world to see... of course, like I said, I still have to work so there will be no vacation... no beads, and thankfully for all of you, no topless videos of me popping up on the internet. [at least I hope not]
Instead, I've decided to celebrate my Spring Break by putting some effort into the blog. The plan is to post something everyday... I can't promise that any of it will actually be good, but at the very least it will be better than work. And in the end, isn't that what blogging is all about? Giving people a better, more entertaining option than work.
Since this extra blogging opportunity has been brought to me by school, I figured the first story for the week should be school related...
I ended up signing up for classes this semester a little late. As a result, many classes I was planning on taking were already filled up and so I got stuck with a couple online classes. For the most part, I've enjoyed it. No fake personal interactions, no boring lectures, less time on campus, and in general, less hassle. I don't know if I'm actually learning the material any better, but like I said, I've enjoyed the experience.
Anyway, one thing I've noticed about online classes is that, for whatever reason, the "weird" factor seems to greatly increase in this format. Each week there is a topic posted based on the course readings. Students are expected to post their thoughts on the topic and read the thoughts of their fellow students... Occasionally, people write some really weird shit!
For example, in my Criminal Justice class, the topic a couple weeks back was pretty simple; "What are the pros and cons of mandatory arrest for domestic violence?"
For the most part we got a lot of straight forward answers... some people basically paraphrased from the text, others linked to news articles and academic studies, and then we get to the guy I like to call, "Psycho George".
"Psycho George," went on a semi-coherent rant about how he had recently been arrested for domestic violence over some incident that occurred with his ex-wife a while back. Conveniently, he felt his arrest was total BS and implied that the police were actually harassing him as part of a wide spread conspiracy to ruin him...
The reason behind the conspiracy? They were all sleeping with his ex-wife!
"Psycho George," then goes on to say that he doesn't feel comfortable revealing person information within the class room (cause you know, telling everyone that you're a crazy wife beater who thinks the entire local police department is sleeping with your wife isn't really all that personal I guess) but that if anyone would like to learn more about his case you can check his student bio for more information!
Anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time should know that I absolutely love crazy people... So of course I went and took a look at "Psycho George's" biography; I'm pleased to report that he did not disappoint... In fact, I've decided to give you guys a peek.
So here it is, "Psycho George," unfiltered:
(actually I should say, "semi-filtered" because I've edited some of his info to protect his identity)
[Psycho George] is originally from [a midwestern city]. He is taking this class as a non-admitted student to learn the basic fundamentals of criminal justice, brought on by his lack of experience with the criminal justice system.
On the evening of November __, 2008 while eating dinner, in his quiet [DC area city] apartment [Psycho George] was suddenly arrested and charged with three crimes he did not commit. Unknown to [Psycho George], his accusers had filed three warrants in [DC area city] in a span of three hours.
Later, it was discovered this was done to cover the trail of both accusers involved with [Psycho George]’s estranged wife. Both accusers knew that with [Psycho George] behind bars they could continue their involvement with narcotics and his wife.
After [Psycho George] was released he spent the next 72 hours in a relentless pursuit to clear his name with federal and local authorities. In the first 72 hours after his release from jail, and without sleep, [Psycho George] hired an attorney, and collected a large amount of evidence. [Psycho George] turned over all the evidence he had collected to his attorney and waited for his day in court.
In February 2008, while attending a court hearing in [DC area city] the prosecutor motioned “Nolle prosequie” in the first of three separate criminal charges. Soon after the other criminal charges were dismissed, at no time did either accuser or the local law enforcement officer who arrested [Psycho George] on appear at any court hearings. These actions caused a dismissal in his other court proceedings. [Psycho George]’s defense attorney petitioned for an expungement of his criminal records and in October, 2008 He was granted an expungement, for the first of three false criminal charges.
In Februsary of 2009 after 6 1/2 years of marriage [Psycho George]'s petition for divorce was granted. [Psycho George] has served in the military for 16 ½ years and has received numerous awards serving his country. [Psycho George] continues to quietly reside alone in [DC area city] despite harassment from local law enforcement officers. His hobbies include studying Tai Chi, philosophy, art, photography, and playing an occasional paintball tournament.
In 2013, after his retirement [Psycho George] plans on relocating somewhere remote and quiet.
Where do we start? First of all, I love how he says he's taking the class because of his "lack of experience with the criminal justice system," when in fact I'd say he has quite a bit of experience with the system!
And how about those hobbies, Tai Chi, philosophy and paintball? He's a Renaissance Man!
This week however, I get a bit of a break... Spring Break to be more specific. No classes, no papers, no projects due. I still have to go to work, but because I've gotten so used to having no free time, this actually feels like a vacation. I want take to the streets and celebrate! I can kind of understand now, how a relatively normal 19 year old girl ends up drunk, and starring in some creepy guy's vacation video, with cheap beads hanging from her neck, and her boobs proudly exposed for the whole world to see... of course, like I said, I still have to work so there will be no vacation... no beads, and thankfully for all of you, no topless videos of me popping up on the internet. [at least I hope not]
Instead, I've decided to celebrate my Spring Break by putting some effort into the blog. The plan is to post something everyday... I can't promise that any of it will actually be good, but at the very least it will be better than work. And in the end, isn't that what blogging is all about? Giving people a better, more entertaining option than work.
Since this extra blogging opportunity has been brought to me by school, I figured the first story for the week should be school related...
I ended up signing up for classes this semester a little late. As a result, many classes I was planning on taking were already filled up and so I got stuck with a couple online classes. For the most part, I've enjoyed it. No fake personal interactions, no boring lectures, less time on campus, and in general, less hassle. I don't know if I'm actually learning the material any better, but like I said, I've enjoyed the experience.
Anyway, one thing I've noticed about online classes is that, for whatever reason, the "weird" factor seems to greatly increase in this format. Each week there is a topic posted based on the course readings. Students are expected to post their thoughts on the topic and read the thoughts of their fellow students... Occasionally, people write some really weird shit!
For example, in my Criminal Justice class, the topic a couple weeks back was pretty simple; "What are the pros and cons of mandatory arrest for domestic violence?"
For the most part we got a lot of straight forward answers... some people basically paraphrased from the text, others linked to news articles and academic studies, and then we get to the guy I like to call, "Psycho George".
"Psycho George," went on a semi-coherent rant about how he had recently been arrested for domestic violence over some incident that occurred with his ex-wife a while back. Conveniently, he felt his arrest was total BS and implied that the police were actually harassing him as part of a wide spread conspiracy to ruin him...
The reason behind the conspiracy? They were all sleeping with his ex-wife!
"Psycho George," then goes on to say that he doesn't feel comfortable revealing person information within the class room (cause you know, telling everyone that you're a crazy wife beater who thinks the entire local police department is sleeping with your wife isn't really all that personal I guess) but that if anyone would like to learn more about his case you can check his student bio for more information!
Anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time should know that I absolutely love crazy people... So of course I went and took a look at "Psycho George's" biography; I'm pleased to report that he did not disappoint... In fact, I've decided to give you guys a peek.
So here it is, "Psycho George," unfiltered:
(actually I should say, "semi-filtered" because I've edited some of his info to protect his identity)
[Psycho George] is originally from [a midwestern city]. He is taking this class as a non-admitted student to learn the basic fundamentals of criminal justice, brought on by his lack of experience with the criminal justice system.
On the evening of November __, 2008 while eating dinner, in his quiet [DC area city] apartment [Psycho George] was suddenly arrested and charged with three crimes he did not commit. Unknown to [Psycho George], his accusers had filed three warrants in [DC area city] in a span of three hours.
Later, it was discovered this was done to cover the trail of both accusers involved with [Psycho George]’s estranged wife. Both accusers knew that with [Psycho George] behind bars they could continue their involvement with narcotics and his wife.
After [Psycho George] was released he spent the next 72 hours in a relentless pursuit to clear his name with federal and local authorities. In the first 72 hours after his release from jail, and without sleep, [Psycho George] hired an attorney, and collected a large amount of evidence. [Psycho George] turned over all the evidence he had collected to his attorney and waited for his day in court.
In February 2008, while attending a court hearing in [DC area city] the prosecutor motioned “Nolle prosequie” in the first of three separate criminal charges. Soon after the other criminal charges were dismissed, at no time did either accuser or the local law enforcement officer who arrested [Psycho George] on appear at any court hearings. These actions caused a dismissal in his other court proceedings. [Psycho George]’s defense attorney petitioned for an expungement of his criminal records and in October, 2008 He was granted an expungement, for the first of three false criminal charges.
In Februsary of 2009 after 6 1/2 years of marriage [Psycho George]'s petition for divorce was granted. [Psycho George] has served in the military for 16 ½ years and has received numerous awards serving his country. [Psycho George] continues to quietly reside alone in [DC area city] despite harassment from local law enforcement officers. His hobbies include studying Tai Chi, philosophy, art, photography, and playing an occasional paintball tournament.
In 2013, after his retirement [Psycho George] plans on relocating somewhere remote and quiet.
Where do we start? First of all, I love how he says he's taking the class because of his "lack of experience with the criminal justice system," when in fact I'd say he has quite a bit of experience with the system!
And how about those hobbies, Tai Chi, philosophy and paintball? He's a Renaissance Man!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
2009 Sleazy Confession Awards!
Okay Shower Farters… Sit back, relax, and enjoy…
I know that wasn’t exactly the best way to introduce the use of video onto the blog, but the alternative was Moe Greene’s video of himself trying to break the magic “5 times in one day” record, set by HP, Eric, and myself… trust me, what you just saw was way more appealing.
Now before we get on with the rest of the show let me, once again, thank everybody for their participation. Looking back at the confessions to prep for the award show allowed me to soak it all in once more; upon reflection, I think we topped the first edition… which is a good thing, but also a bad thing as well… good because it was obviously entertaining, but bad because we learned a little more about each other than we had probably hoped for.
Right now it feels like we just spent the night drinking together and had some sort of drunken romantic encounter --which was great as it happened-- only now it’s the next day, and I’m not sure I can look any of you in the eye ever again... Frankly, I’m not sure where we go from here.
But for now, let’s get on with the award show!
As was the case last time, winners can make their acceptance speeches in the comments section… same goes for well wishers, people who feel they were slighted and have a bone to pick, and anyone else who would like to throw in their 2 cents…
I figure we should start off with the “Readers Choice Award”… I was planning on saving this towards the end since it’s arguably one of the more “prestigious” awards, but since the results have been public for a while, there is no suspense… The winner, hands down, was Cindylu for her, “I like to bite,” confession!
Now I have to be honest here, I wasn’t shocked that Cindy won, in fact one of those votes was mine, but I was a little surprised at such a wide margin of victory… I think what happened was that because her confession was so out of character from the Cindy we’ve grown to know and love, it made us all feel like we learned more about her than we perhaps learned from anyone else.
If you asked me a month ago what I thought a date with Cindylu might be like I would have said: “either a concert or a Dodger game, followed by a quiet dinner, a drink or two, and if you played your cards right, maybe a short but sweet kiss…”
I never had any idea that waking up with mysterious bite marks all over your chest was an option! I feel like I now need to re-evaluate the entire Cindylu era... this is kinda like when Tiffani-Amber Thiessen went from being the cute and lovable Kelly Kapowski on Saved by the Bell to the dangerous sex-symbol in 90210.
So again, maybe not the most scandalous confession, but quite clearly a favorite of the voters.
Now it’s time to move on to the first of our traditional awards...
First up is “The Best Non-Sexual Confession”… and our nominees are Sorry.Mom., Teresa, Mentirosa, and Chanclita…
…And the winner is… Mentirosa!
Anytime you can keep up a lie, any lie, for that many years, well that’s pretty damn impressive… and that’s the kind of behavior we feel should be rewarded here at FITS. So congrats Mentirosa, whoever you are.
Next up we’ve got the Lindsey Lohan memorial “Out of Control Teen” Award… Past winners include, both Hilton sisters, Brittney Spears, Ferris Bueller, and anyone with the last name ‘Bush’… Our nominees were, Chanclita, Tough Chica, HP, and Lauren...
And the winner is…
HP!!!!
Dropping out of High School to pursue a life of groupie sex on the carnival circuit certainly qualifies as out of control in my book… Congrats to HP for not only really living his teenage years, but for also figuring out when to steer the car back onto the road before he ended up with a case of syphilis and couple missing fingers.
Next up we’ve got the “Best ‘First’ Award”, and I must say, we had some *stiff* competition in this category… The nominees were HP, Tough Chica, Sonrisa, and Kissing a Stranger…
[…before I announce the winner, this would be a good time to mention how the awards were determined... Moe Greene and I each filled out our own ballots then compared results. The ones we disagreed on were debated back and forth to see if we could compromise, and if we couldn’t come to an agreement we sent those votes to a secret third party arbitrator… There were only three awards that needed a third party, and this was one of them…]
But anyway, the winner is… Tough Chica!!!!
Now, as an older brother, let me say that I would commit terrible, violent acts if my sister ever did something like that with one of my friends. The thought alone is making my blood pressure increase as I type… but on the other hand, I’ve known some little sisters that I wouldn’t have minded “deflowering” so… I’m conflicted… but regardless, great confession and certainly a worthy winner.
And now, a musical interlude that I think you’ll all enjoy…
…welcome back… I must mention that I was first introduced to that clip a few weeks back by my favorite sports writer, Bill Simmons (although I’m not sure if it was something he wrote about in his ESPN column or talked about on his podcast). Anyway, the great debate surrounding that clip is: early in the song, was Tesh doing a piano version of an air guitar or pretending to dribble a basketball? Tell me what you think.
Anyway, next up is the “Multi-Confession Award”… this one also needed to be sent in for third party arbitration… the nominees were HP, E-Rich, and Sonrisa… I'll let the third party arbitrator break down his decision:
“i would go with HP, one because there are multiple confessions within his first
one and then [he] made the "anonymous" one as well. more importantly, the
quality of each confession is great. i did like sonrisa's first confession of
fucking a virgin and making him cry, but HP nailed a carney. done.”
So congrats once again to HP!
Moving right along… We’ve got the “Best ‘Open’ Confession,” and again, I can’t stress this enough, but these were really hard decisions to make… the nominees were, Sonrisa, HP, Cindylu, and ~A.D~…
…and the award goes to…
~A.D~ !!!!!
Lets have a round of applause for ~A.D~
Our final contested confession award came in the category of “Best Anonymous Confession”; the nominees were Pandora, Spin Doctor, Escandelo, and Hooked Up…
We might not have needed to reach out for the third vote because, in the end, we all ended up listening to each other’s opinion and came to one final conclusion… and that is that Hooked Up is the clear winner here. We all felt that the "smelly finger factor" made this one extra special, so step forward “Hooked Up” and claim thy prize!
Before we get into the “Big 3”, we’ve got one final musical performance… this time its from the official FITS house band, the newly reunited, Blink-182:
Okay… Are you guys ready for the “Big 3”?
Lets start off with the “Best Male Confession”… The nominees in this category are… Hooked Up… Eric… HP… and Spin Doctor…
… and the winner is… HP!!!!!!!! What a night it’s been so far for HP, he’ll have a lot of people to thank but luckily for him, he has several chances to climb up on stage and do so…
Next we’ve got the “Best Female Confession” award… it’s an honor just to be nominated for something so dignified, and all of these ladies are deserving winners, but we can only choose one. Will it be ~A.D~, Sonrisa, Cindylu, or Mentirosa? All of them have already been honored with Sleazy Confession awards here tonight. But the winner is…
… Sonrisa!!!!
And now…
Thanks again for everyone's participation, support, and time. I hope you guys enjoyed the confessions... It's never too late to start looking ahead to next year, so for now, be sleazy, but also be safe. I can't wait to hear what you pervs will have for next year!
I know that wasn’t exactly the best way to introduce the use of video onto the blog, but the alternative was Moe Greene’s video of himself trying to break the magic “5 times in one day” record, set by HP, Eric, and myself… trust me, what you just saw was way more appealing.
Now before we get on with the rest of the show let me, once again, thank everybody for their participation. Looking back at the confessions to prep for the award show allowed me to soak it all in once more; upon reflection, I think we topped the first edition… which is a good thing, but also a bad thing as well… good because it was obviously entertaining, but bad because we learned a little more about each other than we had probably hoped for.
Right now it feels like we just spent the night drinking together and had some sort of drunken romantic encounter --which was great as it happened-- only now it’s the next day, and I’m not sure I can look any of you in the eye ever again... Frankly, I’m not sure where we go from here.
But for now, let’s get on with the award show!
As was the case last time, winners can make their acceptance speeches in the comments section… same goes for well wishers, people who feel they were slighted and have a bone to pick, and anyone else who would like to throw in their 2 cents…
I figure we should start off with the “Readers Choice Award”… I was planning on saving this towards the end since it’s arguably one of the more “prestigious” awards, but since the results have been public for a while, there is no suspense… The winner, hands down, was Cindylu for her, “I like to bite,” confession!
Now I have to be honest here, I wasn’t shocked that Cindy won, in fact one of those votes was mine, but I was a little surprised at such a wide margin of victory… I think what happened was that because her confession was so out of character from the Cindy we’ve grown to know and love, it made us all feel like we learned more about her than we perhaps learned from anyone else.
If you asked me a month ago what I thought a date with Cindylu might be like I would have said: “either a concert or a Dodger game, followed by a quiet dinner, a drink or two, and if you played your cards right, maybe a short but sweet kiss…”
I never had any idea that waking up with mysterious bite marks all over your chest was an option! I feel like I now need to re-evaluate the entire Cindylu era... this is kinda like when Tiffani-Amber Thiessen went from being the cute and lovable Kelly Kapowski on Saved by the Bell to the dangerous sex-symbol in 90210.
So again, maybe not the most scandalous confession, but quite clearly a favorite of the voters.
Now it’s time to move on to the first of our traditional awards...
First up is “The Best Non-Sexual Confession”… and our nominees are Sorry.Mom., Teresa, Mentirosa, and Chanclita…
…And the winner is… Mentirosa!
Anytime you can keep up a lie, any lie, for that many years, well that’s pretty damn impressive… and that’s the kind of behavior we feel should be rewarded here at FITS. So congrats Mentirosa, whoever you are.
Next up we’ve got the Lindsey Lohan memorial “Out of Control Teen” Award… Past winners include, both Hilton sisters, Brittney Spears, Ferris Bueller, and anyone with the last name ‘Bush’… Our nominees were, Chanclita, Tough Chica, HP, and Lauren...
And the winner is…
HP!!!!
Dropping out of High School to pursue a life of groupie sex on the carnival circuit certainly qualifies as out of control in my book… Congrats to HP for not only really living his teenage years, but for also figuring out when to steer the car back onto the road before he ended up with a case of syphilis and couple missing fingers.
Next up we’ve got the “Best ‘First’ Award”, and I must say, we had some *stiff* competition in this category… The nominees were HP, Tough Chica, Sonrisa, and Kissing a Stranger…
[…before I announce the winner, this would be a good time to mention how the awards were determined... Moe Greene and I each filled out our own ballots then compared results. The ones we disagreed on were debated back and forth to see if we could compromise, and if we couldn’t come to an agreement we sent those votes to a secret third party arbitrator… There were only three awards that needed a third party, and this was one of them…]
But anyway, the winner is… Tough Chica!!!!
Now, as an older brother, let me say that I would commit terrible, violent acts if my sister ever did something like that with one of my friends. The thought alone is making my blood pressure increase as I type… but on the other hand, I’ve known some little sisters that I wouldn’t have minded “deflowering” so… I’m conflicted… but regardless, great confession and certainly a worthy winner.
And now, a musical interlude that I think you’ll all enjoy…
…welcome back… I must mention that I was first introduced to that clip a few weeks back by my favorite sports writer, Bill Simmons (although I’m not sure if it was something he wrote about in his ESPN column or talked about on his podcast). Anyway, the great debate surrounding that clip is: early in the song, was Tesh doing a piano version of an air guitar or pretending to dribble a basketball? Tell me what you think.
Anyway, next up is the “Multi-Confession Award”… this one also needed to be sent in for third party arbitration… the nominees were HP, E-Rich, and Sonrisa… I'll let the third party arbitrator break down his decision:
“i would go with HP, one because there are multiple confessions within his first
one and then [he] made the "anonymous" one as well. more importantly, the
quality of each confession is great. i did like sonrisa's first confession of
fucking a virgin and making him cry, but HP nailed a carney. done.”
So congrats once again to HP!
Moving right along… We’ve got the “Best ‘Open’ Confession,” and again, I can’t stress this enough, but these were really hard decisions to make… the nominees were, Sonrisa, HP, Cindylu, and ~A.D~…
…and the award goes to…
~A.D~ !!!!!
Lets have a round of applause for ~A.D~
Our final contested confession award came in the category of “Best Anonymous Confession”; the nominees were Pandora, Spin Doctor, Escandelo, and Hooked Up…
We might not have needed to reach out for the third vote because, in the end, we all ended up listening to each other’s opinion and came to one final conclusion… and that is that Hooked Up is the clear winner here. We all felt that the "smelly finger factor" made this one extra special, so step forward “Hooked Up” and claim thy prize!
Before we get into the “Big 3”, we’ve got one final musical performance… this time its from the official FITS house band, the newly reunited, Blink-182:
Okay… Are you guys ready for the “Big 3”?
Lets start off with the “Best Male Confession”… The nominees in this category are… Hooked Up… Eric… HP… and Spin Doctor…
… and the winner is… HP!!!!!!!! What a night it’s been so far for HP, he’ll have a lot of people to thank but luckily for him, he has several chances to climb up on stage and do so…
Next we’ve got the “Best Female Confession” award… it’s an honor just to be nominated for something so dignified, and all of these ladies are deserving winners, but we can only choose one. Will it be ~A.D~, Sonrisa, Cindylu, or Mentirosa? All of them have already been honored with Sleazy Confession awards here tonight. But the winner is…
… Sonrisa!!!!
And now…
Thanks again for everyone's participation, support, and time. I hope you guys enjoyed the confessions... It's never too late to start looking ahead to next year, so for now, be sleazy, but also be safe. I can't wait to hear what you pervs will have for next year!
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
And the nominees are...
If any of you out there were under the impression that FITS was some sort of well oiled, reliable machine... Monday was proof that you couldn't be more wrong. It doesn't take a lot to get me off track. Yesterday it was a snow storm. Here in DC we got around 6 to 8 inches of snow between Sunday night and Monday afternoon. As a result, I didn't have to work... As a matter of fact, I didn't even leave the house.Now, you might thinkg that given that time off I would have had more opportunity to get the "2009 Sleazy Confession Award Nominations" done... but it didn't work out that way. I never even turned on my laptop. But I did play XBox 360, melt cheese over nachos in the microwave, play some Foosball, and lay on the couch in my boxers getting caught up with my TiVo recordings... it never even occurred to me that I was supposed to put together the nominations until late last night.
So anyway, that's why we're running a day late... As it stands, this pushes back the award show to one week from today, Tuesday, March 10th. I will not miss that deadline... you know, unless it snows again, I have a flat tire, or I get distracted by any small shiny objects.
Now that we've got the excuses out of the way, let's get to the nominations!
We have 10 categories this year, starting with the "Best Non-Sexual Confession". I was actually a little surprised that we were so heavy on sex confession, but we still ended up with some pretty strong nominees in this category anyway: Sorry.Mom. for stealing her mom's birthday money; Teresa, for the near DUI that ended her pseudo date; Mentirosa, for fabricating a phony boyfriend that is still hanging around in her life; and Chanclita, for being a border-line teenage alcoholic who nearly choked to death on her own vomit.
Next up we've got the "Out of Control Teen" award. Nominees are, Chanclita for her above referenced incident; Tough Chica, for losing her virginity to her brother's adult friend and then pretending it never happened; HP, for dropping out of high school so he could travel around as a Carney, shagging small-town girls all across the West Coast; and Lauren, for crashing cars, drinking, and having sex with her adult boyfriend while her parents were upstairs watching TV.
"Best 'First' Confession": HP, for losing his virginity as birthday present with a girl who's biggest attraction was that she [a] was easy, and [b] was cousins with the girl he really wanted; Sonrisa, for giving a pity fuck to a 27 year old virgin; Tough Chica, for her escapade with her brother's best friend, and Kiss a Stranger, for sharing her first kiss at age 14 with a 26 year old Italian man.
"Multiple Confession Award"... this goes to readers who couldn't help confessing multiple times... HP, who, in addition to the "Carney Sex Tour", and a very special 15th birthday present, also told us that he banged the ugly sister of a girl he had already been with, basically so he could say he had done sisters... and oh by the way, placed his person record for "self enjoyment" at 5. E-Rich, who drove to another state to sleep with a girl he met on "World of Witchcraft", and also flew all the way to Boston after a breakup to try and prove to himself that he still had the skill to pull off a one night stand. [Eric also had a person record of 5 in the "self enjoyment" category]... and finally Sonrisa, who in addition to taking the 27 year old's virginity, also made it known that she's had multiple 3-somes with a variety of gender combos. [I'm not sure what her person best "self enjoyment" record is but I'm sure it's impressive.] We don't really have a 4th nominee... I technically could have been nominated for my original confession plus my "5 times in a day" story, but the rules are pretty clear that Moe, Mike, and I can confess but cannot be nominated.
"Best 'Open' Confession": this is obviously for those who posted their confession under the name they usually post under... anyway, we've got Sonrisa, and HP for their well documented deeds, and then we've got Cindylu, who told us all about her sexy biting fetish, and finally ~A.D~ who is planning a 3-some with 2 guys, neither of which are her husband.
"Best Anonymous Confession": Pandora, for carrying on an 8 year affair that didn't even end when her counterpart got married; Spin Doctor, for playing spin-the-bottle with four girls he'd just met while his wife was at a party celebrating parents anniversary; Escandelo, for staying with her ex while away on a trip, getting high with him, letting him get to 3rd base, and then never bothering to tell her boy friend about it even though she had just recently vowed to herself that she wouldn't screw up ther relationship; and Hooked Up, for taking his soon to be wife out to the movies hours after he had been with another girl, with no time to wash away any potential "scented evidence".
And finally, we have the "Big 3" of the confession awards... the FITS equivalent to the Best Picture, Best Female Lead, and Best Male Lead at the Academy Awards.
"Best Male Confession": HP, Eric, Hooked Up, and Spin Doctor.
"Best Female Confession" : Sonrisa, ~A.D~, Cindylu, and Mentirosa.
"Best Overall Confession": ~A.D~, Sonrisa, HP, and Eric.
As a twist, I'm going to attempt to put up a poll with all the confessions on the right side of the blog so you, the readers and confessors, can all vote on what you felt was your favorite confession, not necessarily the best, just your favorite... The winner of the poll will be the "Reader's Choice Award".
Anyway, sorry about the delay... I'll have a regular post on Thursday, and then we've got the "Confession Award Show" coming up a week from now.
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