Rambling Answers...

In response to my case of writer's block, HP made some wonderful suggestions for topics I could post about, including:

Marriage advice
The meaning of life
How to solve inner city poverty
Supporting your children in sports even if you're not a sports fan
Picking a super power
Pepsi vs Coke
Boobs vs Ass

All of those topics interested me. As I read each suggestion I imagined myself writing on each of those subjects and was sure I had enough writing material to last me a month. So what happened?

I responded with absolutely nothing.

That's actually not entirely true. I managed to actually get off to a good start with the marriage advice post. Check it out:

I find the prospect of writing a marital advice post both intriguing and frightening. Intriguing in the sense that its something I'd actually like to write about, and frightening because even before I can get to the advice part there are two obstacles that confront me almost immediately.

[1] That marital “words of wisdom” writings almost always come across as obvious and cliché, even when they’re written by a sincere and capable writer.

And [2] the fact that it’s probably clear to everyone who has read this blog over the years that I’m not all that great at being a husband. I don’t feel like I need to go into detail on all of the ways in which I have failed at the institution of marriage, but lets just all agree to acknowledge that I am egocentric and I am selfish, and so I’ve failed in many of the ways that men who are egocentric and selfish often do.

And just like that, I actually talked myself out of writing the post. I'm not sure if I was so easily discouraged because of the writer's block, or because I genuinely realized it was a subject I couldn't handle... regardless, that's as far as I got... Seriously, aside from stuff like "don't get caught cheating", "don't become an alcoholic", and "don't hit you wife", I've got nothing.

So I've decided to move on to the next topic in hopes of finding something easier. His next suggestion was... The meaning of life...

FUCK! I can't figure how to remember to pay my cable bill on time, so I sure as shit shouldn't be counted on to tackle that subject. Besides, most of my "what does it all mean?" theories make me sound a lot like the grandfather from Little Miss Sunshine and even I'm smart enough to realize you shouldn't say things like that unless you know you're on the way out.

Next up we've got... Inner City Poverty... I'm not catching any easy breaks here am I?

Well, my stock answer is "education" but while I have the floor I'll be completely honest about the subject... The simple truth is that our country and our economic system is not set up to benefit all the people. In fact, its specifically set up to benefit one group of people at the expense of another group. There will always be people on the bottom. There will always be people who are perpetually screwed over.

From an individual perspective, all you can do is try your best and do whatever you have to do to make sure you're not the one on the bottom poeple being screwed.

From the point of view of a general society, we have a moral obligation to make being on the bottom as painless as possible... You know, put on a little lube to make it less painfull. And if you take a look around the world, this is probably one of the least painful places to be poor. There is always room for improvement, but at least we've got that lube on.

Okay... next we've got the dilemma on whether or not to support your child through sports even if you detest athletics... this is a no brainier... of course you have to! Sure, you should provide some perspective on where sports should be on the child's priority list, but anything positive your child chooses to pursue should be met with at least minimal support and encouragement. When your parent ignore you, you end being a stripper, crack head, or semi-coherent blogger.

At this point the topics start to get right into my wheelhouse... Pick a superpower. The options are: [a] invisible, [b] read people's thoughts, or [c] control people's thoughts.

Invisible has always been the most intriguing superpower to me, but there are far too many complications... have you seen that Chevy Chase movie? Are you telling me the best case scenario is getting stuck with the annoying and overrated Daryl Hannah for the rest of your life? No thanks.

Controlling people's thoughts would obviously be the easiest choice in terms of guaranteeing success... but after a year or so it would get old. You sleep with a ton of models, you convince rich people to give you their money, and then what? Where is the challenge?

Reading people's thoughts is where its at! You get that great advantage but you still have the challenge of figuring out how to make it work for you and how to really enjoy it.

Next we've got Pepsi vs Coke... From a fountain? its a tie... Bottle? I'm going Pepsi... and from a can? It has to be Coke.

Now, finally, we get to the topic I was born to speak on... Boob or Ass Man?

Now initially, the answer seems quite obvious... I think we're all quite familiar with my preoccupation with cleavage and the female breast. In fact, my ultimate fantasy in life would involve a half dozen or so well endowed women feeding me chicken nuggets covered in sweet and sour sauce while only using being allowed to use their boobs... and even though I don't have any elaborate fantasies about women's asses, I really do enjoy them immensely.

So my answer comes down to this... I've been with a couple women who's only attractive physical attribute was their boobs, and after 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay you've basically seen and done all there is to do... I've never had that issue with a woman who's best and only attractive attribute is her ass. Its a feature with considerably more sustainability. So my final answer is that even though I would prefer to judge such matters on a case by case basis, if forced to choose blindly between a nice ass or a nice set of boobs, I'm going ass.

And ladies, I know I sound like a total degenerate pig right now, but this is actually how guys really think and talk... This kind of conversation can happen in a room full of lawyers, doctors, peace corp volunteers, and probably even clergy. Its the common denominator of all straight men. If two men who have absolutely nothing in common are forced to converse they'll either end up talking about football or women's body parts... it's 100% true... and if you find yourself offended right now please remember, this was all HP's idea!