The Deadline

Well guys it looks like the deadline is finally upon us... all the confessions have been submitted and I think it's safe to say that none of you bastards can ever run for public office.

Thanks to everybody who was kind enough to spill the beans on themselves. I can say without a doubt that this round of confessions was every bit as successful as the original Sleazy Confessions were, quite possibly even better... which is really saying something because you pervs set the bar pretty high (or low, depending on how you want to look at it) the first time around.

At this point the pressure is off you guys and on me. I'm now faced with the task of sorting through all of your shameful escapades to somehow narrow it down to a final a list of nominations. Let's hope I'll be up to the task.

See you on Monday Shower Farters!

FITS Sleazy Confessions 2009!

I’d been thinking about bringing back the Confession Awards for quite some time but to be perfectly honest, I didn’t see how we could possibly live up to the standards we set the first time around.

I now know what it must have been like for Harper Lee to try and write a follow up to, To Kill a Mocking Bird, Counting Crows to enter the studio after “August and Everything After”, or Victoria Givens after she broke the world anal gangbang record… I mean, after you’ve been to the summit, what could you possibly do for an encore?

But with some encouragement, I’ve decided to bring it back… I refuse to believe, however, that this second edition of the Confession Awards has to be a lesser version of original. Against all odds, I think we can actually do better; and in an effort to ensure that, I’ve decided to change the rules… We’re all going to make at least two confessions.

One of the confessions will be just like we did the last time, normal confession, under whatever blogger ID you normally post under. It can be as daring and adventurous as you want. But the second confession will be completely, 100% anonymous.

Now, you can make as many anonymous confessions as you want… I personally plan on dropping the dime on myself several times, but really, if everyone made just one good anonymous confession this could be special.

And to ensure things stay anonymous I'm going to turn off my site tracker until we're done, so not even I will be able to track down where the comments came from.

The only request I have is that when you make your anonymous confession, instead of clicking the “anonymous” category in the comment section, click on the “Name/URL” and enter in some sort of pseudonym… obviously you would leave the URL blank. It doesn’t have to be anything clever or elaborate, just something to differentiate one anonymous confessor from another. It will make things a lot easier for me when I have to sort out the awards... if everyone's confession simply says "anonymous" it will be a pretty boring award show.

But enough of the details, it’s about time to get this thing kick started with the first confession:

When I was 16, I stole a car and ran away from home… I’ve mentioned it in passing here on the blog but I’ve never actually told the story. Until today that is. Now you’re going to hear the whole thing in all its embarrassing glory.

At the time, I was dating a girl we’ll call “Luci”. I only started dating her because I was madly in love with another girl who we’ll call “Andrea”. I had been in-love/obsessed with Andrea for over 2 years, but unfortunately, Andrea didn’t feel the same way. We were really good friends. We talked on the phone every day, we walked home from school together, we hung out on weekends. It was like we were a couple, only, we weren't. I was trapped in the dreaded “friend zone” trying to figure a way out. "You're like a brother to me," is the doomed line I remember her giving me when ever the subject came up.

So, in an attempt to make Andrea jealous, or perhaps maybe even allow myself to move on from this dead end situation, I started dating Luci. And lucky for me, Luci knew exactly what to do to make me forget Andrea.

At this point I should disclose that I was pretty inexperienced when it came to sex. The highlight of my romantic career up until that point had happened the previous summer when I felt a drunken girl’s boob during a make-out session.

So with that kind of resume you can imagine how totally unprepared I was when a week into my relationship with Luci she introduced me to oral sex! It was like going from a Go-Cart track to the Indy 500. Andrea was suddenly a thing of the past!

Or so I thought… As these matters tend to go, as soon as Andrea saw me with Luci she began doing classic passive-aggressive girl stuff to sabotage my relationship. All of a sudden, I was out of “the friend zone". Andrea no longer saw me as a brother and she made it clear that if I broke up with Luci we might have a shot together. So I had a decision to make… Do I go with true love or oral sex?

Believe it or not I was actually leaning towards following my heart, but Luci wasn’t the type of girl who could accept losing… She was competitive in the way Jenifer Jason Leigh was ‘competitive’ in “Single White Female”, or Glen Close was in “Fatal Attraction”.

Before I could even make a decision, Luci decided to step things up. We skipped school on a Wednesday afternoon and spent the entire day alone at my house. My virginity was a thing of the past! This was great news for me of course… until the next day when Luci told me she was pregnant!

Now again, lets keep in mind that I had ZERO sexual experience at that point. It did sound implausible for her to know she was pregnant the day after we had sex for the first time, but who was I to question her? This was the girl who had taken me from a world of hoping to touch a sweater covered boob to a world of orgasms and colorful panties! How could I doubt anything she said!

So there I was, in school, thinking about the previous day’s adventures when all of a sudden I get the “I’m pregnant” note from Luci… Naturally, I turned to Moe, and Moe of course told whoever he told, and they told someone, and all of a sudden Andrea knew! Any chances I had of ever being with her were crushed. She wouldn’t even speak to me.

In 24 hours I had gone from losing my virginity, to being disowned by the girl I’d been in love with since Middle School, and facing the possibility of becoming a teenage father with a girl who was a lot of fun, but not exactly “mom” material.

A responsible, mature 16 year old might have tried to sit down and come up with a solution, maybe gone to speak to the school counselor, or perhaps consulted some other trusted adult… I, on the other hand, decided to go on the run.

My parents had bought a beat up old Ford Tempo from a neighbor who was thinking about junking the car altogether. They decided it would be my first car. I wasn't even expecting a car so despite its condition I was smitten with it from the first time I sat in the driver's seat. Sometimes I would get home from school and just sit in it for hours listening to the radio and doing my homework. I would have actually driven it around, but the problem was that I had no driver’s license. In fact, I didn’t even have a learners permit. I was so awful at driving that I let my permit expire and my parents didn’t even complain despite the fact that they had just shelled out money for that car. It was clear to them, me, and anyone who had ever seen me attempt to park I was either going to kill myself, or someone else, if the State of Maryland were ever dumb enough to give me a valid driver's license.

But now I had to get away… I filled the car with clothes, food, and blankets. I had $13, half tank of gas, and absolutely no idea what I was going to do. But off I went… I drove all over the city for about an hour, then got bored with that and decided to head north. Despite my fear, I somehow managed to merge onto the highway. I was immediately confronted with bumper to bumper traffic. I had never driven in that. When the lady in front of me came to a sudden stop, I panicked and instead of hitting the breaks, I hit the gas… Opps… My first accident.

We pulled over to exchange information. She asked for my insurance information and I had no idea what that even was so instead, I gave her my dad’s name and number. At that point she got suspicious and asked to see my driver's license… You know, the license I didn’t have… In a continuation of the brilliant decision making skills I had shown thus far, I decided to once again run away!

I remember telling her, “My license is in the car, let me go get it, I’ll be right back…” right before I sped away.

The night was pretty uneventful from that point on… I drove around Western Pennsylvania for a couple of hours before deciding to head back into Maryland. I remember trying to sleep at a rest stop for a couple of hours but being too afraid that I'd be murdered by some hitchhiking axe murderer to close my eyes for more than a minute at a time. I also tried to rent a hotel room at one point but ran into some road blocks because [a] I was only 16, [b] had no license or ID, and [c] only had $13.

Finally, at around 4 a.m., I was tired, lost, and realizing that I had no idea what I would do with my life as an outlaw fugitive from justice. Plus my fuel tank was just about on empty and I didn’t even know how to use a gas pump.

When I saw a cop who had pulled over another vehicle on the side of the road, I pulled in behind them and “surrendered”. I told him everything; how I had knocked my girlfriend up, stolen my parent’s car, left the scene of an accident, and driven without a license, etc.

His response to all this was, “Son…. Have you been drinking tonight?”

When I told him no, he just laughed and told me to hop in his car. He didn’t search me, he didn’t cuff me, he didn’t even make me get into the back seat… As he drove me to the police station he talked to me about my girlfriend issues and explained to me that Luci was just faking the pregnancy to keep me from dumping her for Andrea.

“Oh… that makes sense I guess… I probably should have done some research before going on the run…”

Once at the police station he called my mom and told her to come pick me up. He did end up giving me some BS little charge about being a “Juvenile Runaway” but nothing ever came of that. I remember hearing him tell my mom that he thought I was "just a good kid having a really bad day". It was the only positive experience I’ve ever had with a police officer.

When I got home I found out that Moe had nearly had a nervous breakdown in my absence and that his Mom had actually gone to Luci’s house to try and confront her… depending on who you hear the story from the police may or may not have been called to the scene… gotta love Moe’s Mom.

To make matters worse, Andrea talked to my mom at some point and told her that I had been skipping school, having sex, and god only knows what else… she basically snitched on everything wrong I’d done since being in High School. It was my first lesson about the “wrath of a woman scorned.”

And of course, Luci wasn’t pregnant… We kept dating on and off for about a year in which she created two more false pregnancy scares. Let the record reflect that I have never dated a sane woman in my life. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m just saying I haven’t found one.

So there it is… My first confession. I’ll be posting my anonymous confession at some other time, with some other name, and you fuckers won’t even know it was me… hopefully…

Anyway, confess away Shower Farters! The last contest was a really great time and if everyone follows through with their double confessions this one could be even better.

I’ll be posting the nominations and awards show sometime late next week!

FITS Notes

Two things I wanted to pass along… First, as you may have heard, the favorite band of all three FITS contributors announced that they were not only going out on a reunion tour this summer, but that they were already working on material for a new album!

Of course I’m speaking about Blink-182.

They made their announcement while presenting an award at the Grammy’s and although you can debate the tastefulness of upstaging the winners of the award they’re supposed to be presenting, there is no debating the fact that this is the best news I’ve had in months.

Like I said, Moe Greene, Mike So Def, and I all have a pretty creepy Blink obsession that can in no way be confused as healthy or normal behavior for adult males. When the 3 of us go on a road trip we always make sure there is a Blink mix-CD near by and ready to go. That in and of itself wouldn't be that bad, but it goes even deeper than that… We actually each have assigned seating and our own parts!

Mike sits in the back seat and beats the hell out of the drums/headrests as Travis Barker does... Moe is the driver (even though he gets a little paniced when he has to merge onto the beltway) and plays the role of bass and part-time lead vocalist Mark Hoppus... And I sit in the passenger seat where I give piss poor directions, play an excellent air-guitar, and do my best to recreate the nasal vocals of Tom Delonge. Our best song is probably “Man Overboard” which was the single they included on their live album “The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show.”

So to say we’re a little excited about this reunion would be an understatement on par with “the State of Mississippi is not thrilled about the Barack Obama era”, or “Alex Rodriguez is having a bad week.”

The second bit of news that I wanted to pass on is that due to popular demand (okay… Chancla’s demand… and it wasn’t really even a demand so much as a suggestion) the Sleazy Confession Awards are back!

I’m still ironing out some of the details but baring any unforeseen circumstances we’ll all start confessing next Tuesday (2/17) with the nominations and award show taking place sometime the week after that.

So start thinking about what you might want to confess and if you don’t have any material… well… You’ve just been given an entire week's notice to go out and commit embarrassing, shameful acts worthy of winning an award!

For now, lets go back and relive the original Confessions, and of course, the Award Show.

Destination... Uruguay!

My fascination with dropping everything and disappearing to a foreign country goes as far back as the 7th grade when I suffered a life altering shoulder injury. Without getting into all the boring medical details, I dislocated my shoulder while playing football. The shoulder went right back into place and so even though it hurt like hell, I decided not to tell anyone because I had baseball tryouts coming up... While preparing for those baseball tryouts the injury reoccurred several more times. Finally when I could no longer lift my arm enough to put on my jacket I broke down and told my mom I needed to see a doctor.

I ended up in a sling for six months followed by another 3 months of physical therapy. To this day I can make my shoulder pop out of socket at will and if I lift my left arm above my head it makes a terrifying bone-on-bone cracking sound. I was never able to play baseball or football again and at 29 I'm already experiencing arthritis symptoms in that joint... Good times!

Anyway, during the 9 months of treatment I wasn't allowed to do anything remotely athletic. When everyone would go to gym class I had to hang out in the school library. And of course there was NEVER any other students there. It was just me and the retirement aged librarian lady. EVERY DAY!

I spent the first couple of weeks sneaking out and roaming the halls... Then when that got boring I was forced to take drastic measures and I started to actually read the books... Imagine that... One of my favorite things to do to pass the time was look up random countries in the library's various encyclopedias. I would come up with elaborate fantasies where I would criss-cross the globe, jumping from city to city like Carmen Sandiego. It was there that my disappearing dream began!

Over the years I have since narrowed down my selection to South American countries, eventually settling on Uruguay. I've written about this dream on a couple of occasions, but when I originally introduced the subject I even got a comment from Chanclita Divina (known at the time as Cracked Chancla) which laid out the perfect plan for what I could do when I got there:

"...i think i can see you owning some sort of bar and grill type of place out there. where one can get the coldest beers and biggest steaks made with local seasonings. you wouldn't do much in your restaurant, except give orders--but your employees would love you because you would be super charismatic when doing it--you would dress in guayaberas and walk around the place smiling and winking at all the pretty girls. moe would eventually forgive you and move out there to be with you. well, that's how it played out in my head."

That's pretty much the greatest non-Confession Awards comment ever written on this blog... it perfectly sums up the vision of what my Uruguay experience would be like... only now there is a problem... I no longer want to live in Uguguay.

First of all, the word has gotten out about what an underrated vacation spot it is. With all the increased tourism they've been seeing I probably wouldn't even be the only asshole in a guayabera walking around winking at the pretty girls!

The second issue is that their economy pretty much collapsed. That makes for cheaper hotel rates, but on the downside it means that their unemployment rate has skyrocketed. Basically the only option left for foreigners and ex-pats that want to work is to teach English to business men... yuck... That's not exactly the type of environment conducive to getting drunk and waking up in a hammock with a cute a waitress.

So this morning I decided to begin an exhaustive and thorough search process for a new destination. The new spot is Ecuador... Despite it's small size (wikipedia compares it to Colorado), it has 4 completely diferent geographic regions. There are the mountains of La Sierra, the jungles of La Oriente, the beaches of La Costa, and of course the Galápagos Islands... not bad.

I could spend hours photgraphing and exploring Inca ruins, or hours chatting up drunken college girls on the beach. But most importantly, according to Anywork Anywhere: "Jobs in the tourism industry are relatively easy to come by in popular tourist establishments. Jobs can be found bartending, hotel receptionist, managing a hotel, waiting tables, bike mechanic, or working at a travel agency. Often all that is required is the ability to speak English and Spanish."

That sounds like the kind of place where Chancla's restaurant vision for me could thrive! So anyway, I'm moving to Uruguay Ecuador and I thought I should let you all know.