Yesterday I decided to try the Chili-Cheeseburger that Moe so strongly recommended to me and I'll give you my opinion on that in a minute but first I'm going to address the saga of my crush.
The great philosopher and human behaviorist Chris Rock probably summed up Man's ability to remain committed in a monogamous relationship best when he said "Men are as faithful as their options."
Obviously that's a very simplified explanation to a complicated issue but the fact remains, he was basically right. Truer words have never been spoken by a comedian.
As Rock went on to say (and I'm going to paraphrase here so as not to offend anyone), "the best a married man can do is to stop chasing [women]."
Take for example, my metro crush... I get on the metro. I sit patiently reading my book... The metro stops... My crush gets on... She walks past me and I look... We make eye contact... She knows I'm looking at her... She knows why I'm looking at her... She gives a slight grin and blushes... She wants me to know, that she knows I'm looking, and that she likes it... This is the human mating dance. In the world of dogs I imagine this would be the equivalent of sniffing each others asses.
There is a Spanish saying that goes: "Casado pero no capado", which means: "Married but not castrated." As sleazy as that sounds, it's honest... You can put a ring on my finger but I'm still going to have those urges.
Thousands of years of raw male instinct implores me to get up from my seat and pursue my crush until we end up in a sweaty post-coital embrace in the bed of some seedy motel room... All rational thought in my head comes to a screeching halt... "Lets Get it On" plays in my mental jukebox... The words splashed across the pages of my book are suddenly written in Chinese... I'm not much better than the ass sniffing dog.
But since I'm trying to be a halfway decent husband I choose to ignore my instincts and I instead remain in my seat. All I can do is stare longingly at my crush while she wonders "why aren't you pursuing me?"
And so it goes... I hate myself for having such dirty thoughts of infidelity and yet I hate myself for not acting on those same dirty thoughts. Suddenly I find myself thinking strange things like "Would it be stalking if I showed up at this woman's work?" or "Would I be betraying my marriage if I made out with this strange woman on the train every morning for the next decade or so?"
I now understand how the President of the United States can end up in a deposition video nervously sipping a Diet Coke and asking questions like "what is the legal definition of the word 'is'?" And trying to make a bizarre argument that getting a BJ in the Oval Office didn't constitute sexual relations because he wasn't touching her.
"Casado pero no capado..."
At any rate... I've decided that I won't be heading to my crush's McDonald's anytime soon but just know that I really want to... and that its not my fault.
But let's forget about marriage and human nature for a minute so we can discuss what we all really care about... Chili-Cheeseburgers!
I stopped by Checkers yesterday and picked up a couple of those burgers Moe has been raving about... [Of course I had the Chili-Cheese Fries and a bladder busting bucket of Coke as well]
And while it certainly wasn't the best burger I've ever had, it was pretty damn good... And when you factor in the bargain basement price of just $1, it can't be beat! I've had just about every Dollar Menu item at every fast food restaurant that you can think of and this is by far the best deal going.*
So I've decided to make Checkers a weekly event on my calender because, in addition to the Chili covered burger and fries, there was a very shapely young woman with big moist lips and a tongue ring working the register!
"Casado pero no capado."
*The only Dollar Menu item that even compares was the old McDonald's Chicken Biscuit which used to be a dollar until McD's decided to get greedy and change the name to the "Southern Chicken Biscuit" and double the price. They did slightly upgrade the quality of the chicken, but still I'd rather pay $1 for the old school chicken biscuit... The change ruined my mornings to the point that I contemplated cutting McDonald's out of my life completely until they started this free Coke Glass give away with any purchase of a Large Value Meal... (Thanks for the glass but I was going to order a Large Value Meal anyway, suckers!)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
You Make the Call
So... I have this friend... who rides the metro every day... and he has developed a bit of a crush on a woman who he happens to see just about every morning on the train...
Anyway, he likes to admire her from a distance but has never actually spoken to her.
Lets just say, hypothetically, that my friend has noticed that this woman is often wearing the uniform of a well known fast food restaurant (not fast casual restaurant though)... AND as it so happens my friend knows that there is a location of that very same restaurant a mere 2 blocks from the stop his crush gets off the metro.
So I guess my question is... would my friend be a stalker if he happened to stop in to have lunch at theMcDonald's anonymous fast food restaurant that he thinks his crush works at?
Again, this is a friend of mine, and of course he has only hypothetically noticed that his crush works atMcDonald's an anonymous fast food restaurant.
Anyway, he likes to admire her from a distance but has never actually spoken to her.
Lets just say, hypothetically, that my friend has noticed that this woman is often wearing the uniform of a well known fast food restaurant (not fast casual restaurant though)... AND as it so happens my friend knows that there is a location of that very same restaurant a mere 2 blocks from the stop his crush gets off the metro.
So I guess my question is... would my friend be a stalker if he happened to stop in to have lunch at the
Again, this is a friend of mine, and of course he has only hypothetically noticed that his crush works at
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
This is My Life
If someone would have told me when I was 16 that Moe Greene and I would be sending each other these kind of emails as adults, I would have been a little disheartened:
From: Moe Greene
To: Joel
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2008 10:56:37 -0400
Subject: ?
Have you had the chili cheeseburger from Checkers?
>
From: Joel
To: Moe Greene
no but ive had the chili cheese fries and they were right on...
>
From: Moe Greene
To: Joel
Sent: Tuesday, June 24, 2008 11:58 AM
Subject: RE: ?
Try it.
-------------------------------------------------
Had you told me that I'd actually be excited by such emails, I probably would have cried myself to sleep at night.
As it is, I'm planning on swinging by Checkers on my way home.
From: Moe Greene
To: Joel
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2008 10:56:37 -0400
Subject: ?
Have you had the chili cheeseburger from Checkers?
>
From: Joel
To: Moe Greene
Sent: Tuesday, June 24, 2008 11:03 AM
Subject: RE: ?
>
From: Moe Greene
To: Joel
Sent: Tuesday, June 24, 2008 11:58 AM
Subject: RE: ?
I had the burger a couple of weeks ago and meant to call you.
Try it.
-------------------------------------------------
Had you told me that I'd actually be excited by such emails, I probably would have cried myself to sleep at night.
As it is, I'm planning on swinging by Checkers on my way home.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Mystery Revealed
I was supposed to reveal the identity of the dude from my 'add the caption ' post yesterday. Or as Moe Greene calls him "Soul Harp".
I'd like to say I was busy studying or trying to keep up at work, but the reality is, I'm just lazy... I'm going through one of those periods again. I've got several things I want to blog about but I can't seem to find the energy to force myself to write.
But revealing the identity of "Soul Harp" is pretty straight forward, how I found him is a bit more complicated.
The guy in the office next to me has been listening to this god-awful R&B station every morning for the last week or so... The music is really bad... Gerald Levertt, Luther Vandross circa 1993, with a mix of more modern stuff every now and then. And the few good songs they have (Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" for example) gets over played to the point of annoyance.
The worst part is, the music is the best part about this station!
The morning crew is god awful. They spent an entire segment on Monday trying to joke about the R.Kelly verdict but they couldn't even come up with one single semi-funny joke which is really amazing when you think about it because R.Kelly jokes write themselves... Anyway, the show was so bad I had to check the station out for myself online.
The morning host was predictably lame, but then I stumbled across the now legendary picture of the Sunday morning DJ, "Soul Harp".
Soul Harp's real name, or real stage name I should say, is Jeff Majors. Here's his bio, I've taken the liberty of putting some of my favorite parts in bold:
Jeff Majors… a man with a musical ministry. His instrument is the classical harp. His repertoire consists of traditional, contemporary gospel and meditative melodies accentuated by stirring lyrics and innovative arrangements. His albums offer healing for those who seek peace and spiritual comfort. The sound and scope of Jeff Majors is nothing short of visionary. He is truly a man ahead of his time. Jeff Majors’ two latest releases, Sacred Meditations and Sacred Six, are the next levels in the twelve-step program of spiritual healing and timeless understanding. The Sacred Series is a collection of 12 CDs and cassettes embracing a wide spectrum of special occasions and moments in one’s life that inspire worship and praise. These are what Jeff refers to as “reality checks” or intuitive insights into the musical blessings that God intends for us to share. Sacred Meditations delves into the meditative side of gospel tranquility. It is the first meditation album by Jeff Majors combining instrumental music with nature’s sounds. It offers a peaceful sanctuary for those seeking comfort in these fearful times. With the world in turmoil and confusion surrounding us all, Sacred Meditations helps the soul elevate to a place of comfort. This album transcends religious boundaries and appeals to all people who are searching for inner peace. Sacred Meditations provides a wonderful background for the escape of worldly concerns and the centering of ones spirit. Sacred Meditations features five songs, “Come In”, “Vapor”, “Spirit Walk”, “Satisfy” and “Natural Path”.
I guess the main question I have for Jeff is- if you're such a visionary, why does it take you 12 CDs to heal my soul?
I'd like to say I was busy studying or trying to keep up at work, but the reality is, I'm just lazy... I'm going through one of those periods again. I've got several things I want to blog about but I can't seem to find the energy to force myself to write.
But revealing the identity of "Soul Harp" is pretty straight forward, how I found him is a bit more complicated.
The guy in the office next to me has been listening to this god-awful R&B station every morning for the last week or so... The music is really bad... Gerald Levertt, Luther Vandross circa 1993, with a mix of more modern stuff every now and then. And the few good songs they have (Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" for example) gets over played to the point of annoyance.
The worst part is, the music is the best part about this station!
The morning crew is god awful. They spent an entire segment on Monday trying to joke about the R.Kelly verdict but they couldn't even come up with one single semi-funny joke which is really amazing when you think about it because R.Kelly jokes write themselves... Anyway, the show was so bad I had to check the station out for myself online.
The morning host was predictably lame, but then I stumbled across the now legendary picture of the Sunday morning DJ, "Soul Harp".
Soul Harp's real name, or real stage name I should say, is Jeff Majors. Here's his bio, I've taken the liberty of putting some of my favorite parts in bold:
Jeff Majors… a man with a musical ministry. His instrument is the classical harp. His repertoire consists of traditional, contemporary gospel and meditative melodies accentuated by stirring lyrics and innovative arrangements. His albums offer healing for those who seek peace and spiritual comfort. The sound and scope of Jeff Majors is nothing short of visionary. He is truly a man ahead of his time. Jeff Majors’ two latest releases, Sacred Meditations and Sacred Six, are the next levels in the twelve-step program of spiritual healing and timeless understanding. The Sacred Series is a collection of 12 CDs and cassettes embracing a wide spectrum of special occasions and moments in one’s life that inspire worship and praise. These are what Jeff refers to as “reality checks” or intuitive insights into the musical blessings that God intends for us to share. Sacred Meditations delves into the meditative side of gospel tranquility. It is the first meditation album by Jeff Majors combining instrumental music with nature’s sounds. It offers a peaceful sanctuary for those seeking comfort in these fearful times. With the world in turmoil and confusion surrounding us all, Sacred Meditations helps the soul elevate to a place of comfort. This album transcends religious boundaries and appeals to all people who are searching for inner peace. Sacred Meditations provides a wonderful background for the escape of worldly concerns and the centering of ones spirit. Sacred Meditations features five songs, “Come In”, “Vapor”, “Spirit Walk”, “Satisfy” and “Natural Path”.
I guess the main question I have for Jeff is- if you're such a visionary, why does it take you 12 CDs to heal my soul?
Monday, June 16, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Shyamalabob
Get ready for another barrage of opinion!
The general topic is still movies, but this time I'm focusing on one of today's more prominent figures in film: M. Night Shyamalan.
Who the hell is that?
He's a real wizard who creates special effects for movies that can't afford CGI.
Who is he really?
Just kidding... he's a writer/director behind such movies as The Sixth Sense and Signs.
(See, that was a twist. The "wizard" bit was a lie. Isn't that awesome?)
Why is this relevant?
Well, his newest movie The Happening is opening in theatres this week and it looks like it could be this week's topper at the box office, despite the fact that The Incredible Hulk is also debuting. Plus, some of my friends have admitted their interest in it and even I must say I'm interested to see how it turns out. I have several reservations about it, however, because I'm not much of a fan of Shyamalan.
Don't you want to know why?
All right, I'll tell you.
I'm one of those folks who finds Shyamalan to be increasingly gimmicky/self-serving with each new movie he makes. It's abundantly evident to me that he thinks up a crazy plot twist first and creates the rest of the story later with the increasingly singular purpose of maximizing the shock of the twist. This results in movies where the bulk of the story is often rendered pointless once the twist is revealed and everything the movie previously taught you to believe or expect is turned on its head. When every bit of the movie pre-twist is manipulated for that one payoff it's as if the point of all of his movies is for you to watch 2 hours of film for that momentary feeling of "oh, you tricked me." Guffaw.
That's not to say that he's talentless. I'm just of the opinion that he too often wastes whatever talent he has on his obsession with twists and tricks. And it's getting old.
Here's a timeline with ratings from IMDB:
1999 - Sixth Sense (8.2)
2000 - Unbreakable (7.2)
2002 - Signs (6.9)
2004 - The Village (6.6)
2006 - Lady in the Water (6.0)
Notice a pattern? Either he's running out of good ideas or this one trick pony is losing his novelty. Or both.
I saw a TV commercial last night for The Happening. It looked intriguing, which is something his movies have always been able to achieve. However, a few things about this commercial bothered me. First, they pitched it as "M. Night Shyamalan's first rated 'R' movie", as if the "R" rating alone means it's going to be good. Secondly, and more importantly, it looks like every other Shyamalan movie with a singular twisty focus.
It appears from the preview that the "happening" involves the general population mysteriously dying/going crazy/disappearing and that the audience will all be watching the movie to find out exactly what is going on and why. Shyamalan's not just going to give us an answer to those questions. He's going to give us the most off-the-wall shocking answer imaginable and then explain it with his usual brand of logic that contains enough holes to fill Sonny Corleone. I don't know, maybe it'll be good.
Let me just say that right now I'm really looking forward to reading about this movie.
The general topic is still movies, but this time I'm focusing on one of today's more prominent figures in film: M. Night Shyamalan.
Who the hell is that?
He's a real wizard who creates special effects for movies that can't afford CGI.
Who is he really?
Just kidding... he's a writer/director behind such movies as The Sixth Sense and Signs.
(See, that was a twist. The "wizard" bit was a lie. Isn't that awesome?)
Why is this relevant?
Well, his newest movie The Happening is opening in theatres this week and it looks like it could be this week's topper at the box office, despite the fact that The Incredible Hulk is also debuting. Plus, some of my friends have admitted their interest in it and even I must say I'm interested to see how it turns out. I have several reservations about it, however, because I'm not much of a fan of Shyamalan.
Don't you want to know why?
All right, I'll tell you.
I'm one of those folks who finds Shyamalan to be increasingly gimmicky/self-serving with each new movie he makes. It's abundantly evident to me that he thinks up a crazy plot twist first and creates the rest of the story later with the increasingly singular purpose of maximizing the shock of the twist. This results in movies where the bulk of the story is often rendered pointless once the twist is revealed and everything the movie previously taught you to believe or expect is turned on its head. When every bit of the movie pre-twist is manipulated for that one payoff it's as if the point of all of his movies is for you to watch 2 hours of film for that momentary feeling of "oh, you tricked me." Guffaw.
That's not to say that he's talentless. I'm just of the opinion that he too often wastes whatever talent he has on his obsession with twists and tricks. And it's getting old.
Here's a timeline with ratings from IMDB:
1999 - Sixth Sense (8.2)
2000 - Unbreakable (7.2)
2002 - Signs (6.9)
2004 - The Village (6.6)
2006 - Lady in the Water (6.0)
Notice a pattern? Either he's running out of good ideas or this one trick pony is losing his novelty. Or both.
I saw a TV commercial last night for The Happening. It looked intriguing, which is something his movies have always been able to achieve. However, a few things about this commercial bothered me. First, they pitched it as "M. Night Shyamalan's first rated 'R' movie", as if the "R" rating alone means it's going to be good. Secondly, and more importantly, it looks like every other Shyamalan movie with a singular twisty focus.
It appears from the preview that the "happening" involves the general population mysteriously dying/going crazy/disappearing and that the audience will all be watching the movie to find out exactly what is going on and why. Shyamalan's not just going to give us an answer to those questions. He's going to give us the most off-the-wall shocking answer imaginable and then explain it with his usual brand of logic that contains enough holes to fill Sonny Corleone. I don't know, maybe it'll be good.
Let me just say that right now I'm really looking forward to reading about this movie.
Monday, June 02, 2008
A Lesson Not Learned
My much anticipated (by me) return to academia began over the weekend. Without boring you with all the details I'll simply rehash the basics... I'm going to be spending just about every weekend of my summer in a class room. 8 hours every Saturday and 8 hours every Sunday. It's kind of like an academic jihad only in the end I probably won't achieve martyrdom and I certainly don't expect to find 72 virgins on the campus of George Mason University... Really, my goal is to make sure that I'm really ready to commit to this whole 'back to school' thing. Why I needed to sacrifice my entire summer to figure that out is now unclear to me...But like most of the questionable decisions I've made in my lifetime the only defense I'm left with is the age old axiom, "it made sense at the time."
But this post isn't really about me going back to school (or sharing a book on Saturday with a loose moralled 23 year old coed that looks like she just stepped off of a page from Maxim magazine!). I only brought it up because spending all that time in a classroom this weekend led me to make a really bad decision today...
When my alarm clock began it's screeching wail this morning, my body simply didn't want to respond. I had had no weekend. No chance to sleep in. I had been robbed of the relax and recharge time I have grown to depend on.
I'm not really a coffee drinker but I knew my body wasn't going to voluntarily get me through the day. I needed to drug myself with caffeine if I hoped to make it to work. Unfortunately, at the hour my day begins, Starbucks isn't open.
So I went... to a gas station...
Some of you can probably see where this is going.
I walked into the gas station, went back towards the drinks and grabbed the biggest bottle of Mocha Frappuccino I could find. As I made my way to the register I tried my best to avoid the pre-assembled breakfast biscuits sitting so invitingly under the heat lamp... believe me, I tried.
But as I waited in line I caught a whiff of sausage and cheese... Mmmmm... My stomach began to growl... Suddenly, my eyes were watching in horror as my hands picked up two biscuits and placed them on the counter next to the frappuccino. "What the fuck are you doing?!" the rational but often ignored voice in the back of my head pleaded.
You've probably forgotten by now, but this is the exact same scenario that led to me doing my patented half walk/half jog- "walg" into a McDonald's bathroom back in November of 2007, where I narrowly avoided shitting myself... Same gas station... Same drink... Same sausage, egg, and cheese biscuits... Same result? That remains to be seen. I feel okay right now, but of course last time this ended so poorly that I not only wrote about it, but I ended the post with this piece of advice:
"The lesson of course is- never, EVER stop at a gas station for breakfast…"
Hopefully this won't end with any unfortunate "walging" incidents. But if it does, I'll deserve it... Unlike signing away my entire summer so I could decide if I really wanted to go back to school, I can't even say that this decision "made sense at the time".
UPDATE
It is 1:17 pm, Eastern Standard Time. I've been to the bathroom 3 times in the past hour. I never had to "walg" but that was only because the bathroom is less than 20 feet from my office.
I hate myself.
But this post isn't really about me going back to school (or sharing a book on Saturday with a loose moralled 23 year old coed that looks like she just stepped off of a page from Maxim magazine!). I only brought it up because spending all that time in a classroom this weekend led me to make a really bad decision today...
When my alarm clock began it's screeching wail this morning, my body simply didn't want to respond. I had had no weekend. No chance to sleep in. I had been robbed of the relax and recharge time I have grown to depend on.
I'm not really a coffee drinker but I knew my body wasn't going to voluntarily get me through the day. I needed to drug myself with caffeine if I hoped to make it to work. Unfortunately, at the hour my day begins, Starbucks isn't open.
So I went... to a gas station...
Some of you can probably see where this is going.
I walked into the gas station, went back towards the drinks and grabbed the biggest bottle of Mocha Frappuccino I could find. As I made my way to the register I tried my best to avoid the pre-assembled breakfast biscuits sitting so invitingly under the heat lamp... believe me, I tried.
But as I waited in line I caught a whiff of sausage and cheese... Mmmmm... My stomach began to growl... Suddenly, my eyes were watching in horror as my hands picked up two biscuits and placed them on the counter next to the frappuccino. "What the fuck are you doing?!" the rational but often ignored voice in the back of my head pleaded.
You've probably forgotten by now, but this is the exact same scenario that led to me doing my patented half walk/half jog- "walg" into a McDonald's bathroom back in November of 2007, where I narrowly avoided shitting myself... Same gas station... Same drink... Same sausage, egg, and cheese biscuits... Same result? That remains to be seen. I feel okay right now, but of course last time this ended so poorly that I not only wrote about it, but I ended the post with this piece of advice:
"The lesson of course is- never, EVER stop at a gas station for breakfast…"
Hopefully this won't end with any unfortunate "walging" incidents. But if it does, I'll deserve it... Unlike signing away my entire summer so I could decide if I really wanted to go back to school, I can't even say that this decision "made sense at the time".
UPDATE
It is 1:17 pm, Eastern Standard Time. I've been to the bathroom 3 times in the past hour. I never had to "walg" but that was only because the bathroom is less than 20 feet from my office.
I hate myself.
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