What Day is This?

I woke up this morning thinking about an old friend. Someone I haven't seen in a long time. To be honest, I hadn't even realized that I'd been missing this friend. Truth be told, my buddy was pretty high maintenance. Always wanting something from me, but offering little in return... and everything was always on their terms...

But right now I'm thinking of the good times we had... we laughed, we cried, we shared tender moments... I remember the first time we met, it was on my birthday.

In case you're too lazy to check the links, I'll fill you in... I'm talking about Film Vault Tuesday.

When I first started writing FVT it was pretty easy and I enjoyed every minute. I set up a basic copy and paste format I could follow, and readers really seemed to respond. On the rare weeks that I couldn't write a FVT people would ask where it was. I even got a few frustrated emails... Where the hell was Film Vault Tuesday?!

And that's when it started become a chore... Didn't you people understand? I didn't get to my mediocre position in life by being some sort of high achiever capable of self motivation and the managing of deadlines... I'm a slacker damn it!

How could I commit myself to doing something that takes time and effort every Tuesday until further notice?

I had magazines to flip through, fantasy baseball teams to tinker with, and games of internet Blackjack to lose... and what about the movies?! Do you know how many times I went through my DVD collection in search of an "oldie but goody" movie to write about?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to talk yourself into writing 1000 words on the career path of Lou Diamond Phillips! Let me assure you, it wasn't easy. I simply couldn't keep up with my own deadlines... not when there was an entire world of internet porn for me look at...

So I quit writing it.

I do have a vague memory of trying to revive it briefly with a new format- perhaps even it's own separate blog, but I'm not positive... whatever it is that I remember trying, it failed, otherwise I'd still be writing it.

But like I said... I woke up this morning inspired to write a FVT column, and damn it, Tuseday or not, I'm going to write one!

FILM VAULT TUESDAY

Title: The Firm (1993)

Credits: Directed by some guy to obscure to be worth mentioning, based on a "novel" written by John Grisham. Staring, Tom Cruise, Gene Hackman, and Jeanne Tripplehorn.

Why: Lets start with the cast... This was Tom Cruise during his peek. Before he jumped on Oprah's couch. Before he insulted Brooke Shields and took on modern psychology... and of course, way before he kidnapped Katie Holmes and forced her to be impregnated by aliens.

There's also a very enjoyable performance from the consistent Gene Hackman. And Jeanne Tripplehorn does a decent enough job at not screwing things up in the role of Cruise's wife Abbie. We've even got lots of big names in smaller roles... Ed Harris, Gary Busey, Holly Hunter, classic "that-guy" David Strathairn, and even the wacky Oatmeal/Diabetes guy Wilford Brimley (Die-a-beetis) make appearances.

You can't ask for much more than that.

The script is adapted from one of John Grisham's better known legal thrillers of the same name, and you all already know about my weak spot for Grisham... Basically the plot goes something like this:

Cruise is fresh out of Harvard Law School, he's near the top of his class, and he's being recruited by all the big firms in NY and DC. However it's a mid-sezed frim from Memphis that ends up winning him over with an offer that seems almost too good to be true... But when he stumbles across some of the Firm's shady dealings he stands to lose not only his legal career, but maybe even his life! [insert dramatic music]

Remote Stopper: Personally, I can't turn this movie off until I've seen the part where Cruise (who has just been caught cheating) has to go home and tell his wife that not only is he a crappy husband, but the Firm he's brought them to is full of crooks who are watching their every move... I doubt he got any ass that night... even if he is Tom Cruise.

Anyway, this somehow leads to the inexplicable, but obligatory scene where Tom Cruise sprints down the street in full Tom Cruise mode with his arms and legs pumping away... I'm pretty sure we've discussed this phenomenon here before, but for some reason almost every pre-Crazy Tom Cruise movie at some point featured Cruise sprinting. Often times a tie flapping in the wind was involved (as is the case in The Firm). And usually, there was no reasonable explanation for why he was sprinting... it just happened.

And thank god it did... I miss that Tom Cruise.

Goosebump/Tear Factor: I can't really pinpoint a scene that gives me goosebumps. And I certainly never got teared up during the movie... but I really do enjoy the hell out of the early "this is almost too good to be true" recruitment he receives from The Firm. For the record, I absolutely would have accepted their offer, AND I would have continued working for them even after I found out how crooked they were... fuck it!

I also love the scene where Cruise almost beats Wilford (Die-a-beetis) Brimley to death with a briefcase... who hasn't thought about doing that to the "Oatmeal Man" a few dozen times?

Overall Rating: Despite the All-Star cast and the decent script the movie is not without flaws.

It's got a few stereotypical "bad guy" types that so often appear in Grisham's books. They work well on paper but become a bit cartoonish on the big screen when you're limited in time you can use for character development... and there is a reason the director remains fairly obscure. His other "credits" include Tootise, Havana, and Sabrina... mmmmmm.

But overall, the movie does what it's supposed to do... It keeps you entertained, it builds the suspense, it's got quality actors, and has just enough unintentional comedy to make it worth watching even after all these years... I give it a solid 7 out of 10.

Supreme Babes

In preparation for my paralegal studies coming up in a few weeks at George Mason, I've been doing some legal research... a very studious, in-depth, and serious examination of the law.

It is with my new found knowledge that I now feel capable of tackling one of the most important legal questions facing the country today, which is of course... Who is the hottest female Judge sitting on a State Supreme Court?

Being as devoted to law as I am, I was willing to give up the better part of my lunch break today (see, forgot wallet and had no money to go out) to answering that burning question.

Now, before I share the results with all the devoted FITS readers out there, let me first warn you, I had to set the bar pretty low for this... The typical State Supreme Court looks a lot like this:

(Clearly, nobody from the State of Indiana cracked my list)

In the interest of drama I'll give you the runners up, and honorable mention first.

Honorable Mention:

Evelyn Lundberg Stratton from The Supreme Court of Ohio.

She was born to missionary parents in Bangkok, Thailand, and spent her childhood in Southeast Asia. At age 18, she returned to America alone with only a few hundred dollars in her pocket. She worked her way through school, receiving a JD from The Ohio State University College of Law.

She is the married mother of two with the sexy crooked smile enjoys painting, Thai cooking, and fly fishing with her husband. She lists her most interesting accomplishment as winning a college "Stampede Girls Goat Tying Competition"... and I don't even have a joke here...


Next we've got Judith Ann Lanzinger, also from The Supreme Court of Ohio (I don't know how well they do upholding the constitution, but one thing is for sure, the Ohio Supreme Court rates number one in sexy!).

This former Elementary School teacher and grandmother of three, got her Law Degree from the University of Toldedo where she was valedictorian of her class.

She spent 20 years sitting on the 6th District Court of Appeals where she was known to not only turn heads, but kick ass and take names... I can neither confirm nor deny the rumor that she broke the hearts of many a summer intern!

But enough with the also ran's, lets move on to the runners up!

Second Runner Up:

She may be 64 years old and a grandmother of four, but the honorable Anne M. Burke of Illinois can still turn heads!

She got her BA from DePaul and then went on to graduate from law School at the University of Chicago, and if that's not impressive enough for you, you should read some of her court opinions on gun control!

Moe Greene argued that she was too old to make this list, but frankly, none of the honorable mention candidates can pull off the "lets do it on the desk" wavy blond hair the way Ms. Burke does!


We're getting down to the cream of the crop here.

First Runner Up:

Justice Annette Kingsland Ziegler from Wisconsin!

Ms Ziegler is a proud graduate of the Marquette School of Law, and spent 6 years as a Wisconsin circuit court judge before being elected to the Supreme Court.

This sassy mother of three is known to strut around in stiletto heels and a skimpy pink Brett Favre Jersey to loosen up court atmosphere... Okay, I just made that up, but we all have our fantasies!


And finally, the moment you've all been waiting for...

WINNER:

Allow me to present to you the hottest State Supreme Court Justice in the land... All *rise* for the Honorable Justice Debra L. Stephens!

She may be a newcomer on the Supreme Court in the State of Washington (she just took office in January of this year) but Miss Stephens has been breaking hearts in court rooms across her home State for years!

She enjoys skiing, golfing, singing around the campfire and spending time on the many rivers of Washington.

She somehow managed to get through law school while raising her first born child, who was only 5 weeks old when she started at Gonzaga.

Unfortunately for eligible men out there the father of the baby didn't bail out, his name is Craig apparently and I assume he must have helped out a great deal with raising the baby while Debby hit the books because they're still happily married... basically, I hate him...

So there you have it! I'm not sure when the official "FITS Women of the State Supreme Courts Calender" will be out, but I'm sure they'll sell like hotcakes.

And to be fair, Moe Greene was busy working on the Hottest Male Judges list as I typed this up. So expect that to come out sometime soon!

Getting Lost

The year was 1984. The place was the Sears on New Hampshire Avenue. My mother had taken me there so she could shop for clothes. Watching a woman shop for clothes is excruciatingly boring. I hate doing it now and I certainly didn’t enjoy doing it back then when I was a hyper four year old boy.

As my wife has had to learn the hard way, I can patiently wait for someone else to shop for a good ten to fifteen minutes. But fifteen is pretty much my limit. Once we cross that threshold I start nagging, complaining, and threatening to wait in the car… or worse yet, I threaten to leave in the car.

I just don’t get what takes so long. If you’re looking for a shirt, pick out two or three that you like, try them on, buy the one that looks the best… and that’s it. It should be that simple. Get in, get out. If you want me to wait around for anything more than that, you need to bribe me… Back when I was four that could be taken care of with a trip to the toy store and/or McDonald's. Now it takes a trip to the bookstore and/or McDonald's.

On the date in question, my mom had bribed me with a trip to the Toys R Us a couple miles down the road… I was cooperating about as well as could be expected of me. Sure I had spent the whole time complaining, but at least I hadn’t wandered off once.

At some point I decided to play a soldier game where I would hide inside a near by clothes rack and pretend to be shooting it out with bad guys while my mom shopped… To this day I have a vivid memory of tugging on her jacket before I went inside of a big coat rack and telling her to “let me know” when she was ready to move on… To be fair, my mother insists that this was not the case. She claims I just hid inside one of the coat racks without mentioning anything to her.

Regardless of who you want to believe, what isn’t in question is that at some point she thought I was gone and went off looking for me… and at some point I realized she was gone, and I went looking for her. We must have gone searching for each other in opposite directions, and just like that, I was lost.

I wandered the store for what felt like hours, but was actually probably only 15 or 20 minutes. I knew I wasn’t supposed to talk to strangers, but eventually I decided to roll the dice and ask someone for help. I found the nicest old lady I could and approached her with tears streaming down my face and told her the story of what happened the way I had seen it, “my mom left me…”

I was convinced that my mom had grown tired of my constant complaining and decided to leave me. And so that’s what I told the old lady.

She took me to security and told them that she had found me alone and crying and that I had been abandoned by my mother. The security guard asked me what my mother’s name was, but I was too upset to remember, and within minutes the announcement went out across the store… “Would Joel’s mother please report to security… Joel’s mother…”

A couple seconds later I saw my mother approaching with tears streaming down her face as well. I ran towards her and she picked me up in her arms. I promised her that I would never be so impatient again if she would just take me back… I was still convinced that she had intentionally left me.

Of course security wanted to have a few words with my mom, but she wasn’t about to stick around for that. We high tailed it out of there and 24 years she had never gone back to that Sears again.

Flash forward to present day… I live within walking distance of that Sears.

I told my wife the story when we first moved into the neighborhood and now every time we go there I have to endure the “don’t go far” and “hey little boy, where’s your mother?” jokes… Needless to say it’s not my favorite place to shop.

My mom came down to visit yesterday. The idea was to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon watching movies together. She brought “Gone Baby Gone” because I hadn’t seen it yet.

About halfway through the movie the DVD froze. It got stuck on a really pivotal scene and just wouldn’t advance… We tried cleaning the DVD and even switching DVD players, but nothing worked… and of course after seeing half the movie I couldn’t just say “oh well, maybe I’ll catch the rest on cable some night.” I had to see the end.

The only thing we could do was go buy another copy… you know, from Sears… gulp…

So there we were, me and my mom, 24 years later, returning to the scene of the crime.

“Do you wanna go look for some clothes while we’re here?” I joked.

She didn’t find it as funny as I did.

We walked over to the New Releases in DVD section and searched for it. We couldn’t find it. We asked one of the workers near by if they had any copies left.

“That’s the move about the lost kid right?” he asked.

I laughed at the irony… Again, my mom didn’t think it was as funny as I did… and of course they were all sold out.

We eventually went to a Blockbuster video to rent a copy, which made our little trip take a whole lot longer than we had anticipated. We no longer had time to watch a second movie. And we got soaked in the pouring rain… But on the bright side, at least I didn’t get lost.

Motivation

I took some time off from my blog last week… First I went out of town and then I got lazy. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to write about, I just couldn’t get myself motivated to do it.

But I’m back now and ready to get back to random ramblings and poop stories. Please try to contain your enthusiasm, and be prepared to hear me bitch about the Pope tomorrow… I don’t really have anything against him per se, but he’s going to be giving mass a couple blocks from my work tomorrow at the new Nationals Park. Basically, it's going to screw up everything…

The bridge that half the city uses everyday to get to work is going to be closed from like 2 am until the end of time. It should be fun!

Moe Greene summed it up best in his morning email:

“The Pope has ruined my homepage. I'm gonna write a nasty letter to SOMEONE.”