The Walk/Jog of Shame

I made a terrible mistake yesterday morning… I woke up starving and we were all out of bagels. Since I had to buy gas that morning I decided I would pick up breakfast at the gas station instead of swinging by a fast food place like I normally would in this situation… It was bad idea.

I ended up buying two pre-made sausage egg and cheese biscuits that had been sitting under a heat lamp for god only knows how long. I decided to wash it down with a Mocha Frappuccino… I ate it all in the car during my commute. By the time I sat down at my desk things were already going terribly wrong in my stomach… weird noises, bubbly feeling, sharp pains… I knew it was going to be a long day.

I ended up making one of those “half walk/half jog” moves to the bathroom roughly 6 times before it was even noon… Then I skipped lunch, and by the time I was ready to go home I thought the worst was over. Frankly, I didn’t think there was anything left to “get rid of”.

I was wrong.

On my way home I was on the phone with Moe Greene when all of a sudden I realized that I needed to make a pit stop immediately. My colon was at DEFCON 2… I was in the center lane of traffic but that didn’t stop me from cutting off a bunch of cars as I swerved into a McDonald’s parking lot. I made a brief incoherent statement to Moe and then hung up on him… For the seventh time that day I had to make a half walk/half jog* to the bathroom.

My biggest public bathroom fear (aside from the obvious “dirty” factor) is making a lot of noise as I do my business. But there was no helping it on this one… things got noisy.

Luckily the bathroom was empty… or so I thought… Once again, I was wrong.

After a 15 minute ordeal I walked out of the stall and was surprised to see a homeless guy washing himself in the bathroom sink.

“Damn man, sounds like you really tore that bathroom UP!” he exclaimed as he shook his head at me in disgust.

That’s right; a homeless guy using the bathroom sink at McDonald’s to wash himself shook his head at me in disgust! It was certainly one of the lower points of the year for me.

The lesson of course is- never, EVER stop at a gas station for breakfast…





* I've decided to start calling the "half walk/half jog" the "walg".

Happy Holidays

I’m a pretty grumpy guy in general but the Holiday Season really seems to put me in a hostile mood. I’ve decided I hate just about all of my co-workers this morning. They’re the type of people who stop whatever they’re doing to yell “bless you!” from the other side of the office if you sneeze… If you sneeze again, they’ll yell it again… If you get a scratchy throat and find yourself coughing they’ll poke their ugly heads into your office and ask if you’re okay.

They show each other pictures of their bratty little kids. And on Monday mornings they can’t wait to ask each other about how their respective weekends went. Of course they don’t actually listen to each other’s response; they just wait for their turn to talk.

If one more of those fake smiling assholes asks me how my Thanksgiving was I’m afraid I might snatch the Blackberry off their belt and beat them to death with it… Seriously, I don’t want to hear about how much stuffing you ate or your story about Black Friday Mall Shopping. I don’t give a damn if you took your kids to see some stupid cartoon movie… I don't like you... Fuck off... And I really mean that.

A Heart Racing Movie

So I went with some friends to see American Gangster over the weekend. I thought it was a very good film that fell a little short of being in the pantheon of the GREAT crime movies (Godfather I and II, Goodfellas, Carlito’s Way, etc…)

But Moe Greene on the other hand did think it was great a movie… So great in fact that he was willing to let it be the last movie he ever saw! Apparently he started having chest pains about halfway through the movie but neglected to say anything until we were leaving the theatre!

In my car he started grimacing in pain and was breathing heavier than Larry Craig in a San Francisco bath house… when he started to complain about numbness in his hands we decided it was time to take him to the hospital.

I was 75% sure he was having a heart attack… As our dear friend Lauren was kind enough to point out, if Moe were to die I would be just as much to blame for his death as his faulty heart because of my role in "The Last Supper".

For that reason --and other reasons that can probably go without being said-- I didn’t want this to be a heart attack.

And as it turns out it wasn’t! According to the doctor, Moe is just a pussy… of course that’s not the medical term he used. “…a severe case of acid reflux” is what he called it…whatever... In total we were only at the Hospital for like 2 hours.

Most people would view that as good news. You know, “thank god it wasn’t serious… I’m sure glad I didn’t die, etc.” But not Moe… When I talked to him the next day on the phone he was actually disappointed with the diagnosis… he would have been happier had it been a minor heart attack!

His reasoning: "It would have been less embarrassing and could have made for a better story than acid-reflux."

He has since theorized that he was having a minor panic attack along with the acid reflux… I don’t know if he really believes that or is just trying to save face… Regardless, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt because well… I’m glad he didn’t die… We’re supposed to see “No Country for Old Men” in a couple of weeks.

I Have a (Purse) Dream

Yesterday on my way home from work I saw a car accident... or I should say that I passed by two cars that had been in an accident. It was at a stop light and from what I could gather a work truck had been at the light waiting to make a left when it was rear ended by a Toyota Corrolla.

The Corrolla's license plate (and I swear to god this is true) said this:

BA_WARE

My wife carries around a camera in her purse wherever she goes. I've often thought about what I would put in a purse were it ever to become socially acceptable for men to carry them... I now know that one of the first things on my list would be a digital camera because I've been terribly disappointed with myself for not being able to capture the image of that license plate ever since.

In addition to the camera I would probably carry my iPod, cell phone, wallet, moleskine, and PSP... I would carry a bunch of breathe mints too. I'm always running out, but if I had a big purse to tote around I could buy in bulk and not have to worry about the storage space... And pens too... I loose them constantly- a purse would solve that issue.

Having a purse is really one of the bigger advantages to being a woman I think. And it's not really even fair. Why/when/how was it decided that women would get to carry around a really convenient storage bag on their shoulders while men would have to rely on nothing but their pockets?

So guys, what would you put in your purse were purses to ever become socially acceptable? And ladies what do you carry in your purse?

iPods and Grasshoppers

Well… I have finally concluded my exhaustive 5 week Mp3 player research process. On Saturday I bought the 80 gb iPod “Classic” as planned… I went with the Black. Thanks to everyone who voted.

I spent all day Saturday staring at it in awe like a pot head watching HDTV for the first time… I’m absolutely in love… I’ll put up some pictures of the two of us together sometime this week. We make a happy couple.

But as happy as I am with the iPod, I have a more important matter to get to. A lot of people who read this blog are of Mexican descent, and I have a question for them, but first I’ll give the background story…

My wife’s best friend threw a party for her boyfriend Jose on Saturday night… Jose is Mexican… We get along very well. I think maybe because everyone in our social group is from El Salvador aside from the two of us, we formed a bond of sorts.

At most parties we end up somewhere in the back drinking and talking soccer… He’s a great guy… and like I said, it was his birthday party. His brothers were in town to help set the whole shindig up. They set up a table of food from their home state of Oaxaca.

Everything was going smooth until Jose (the boyfriend) pointed to some bowl at the back of the table and asked if I had tried any of what was in it… From across the room it looked like some sort of dried leaves or seasoning.

He walked over to the table and picked up the bowl. He had a devilish grin on his face as he brought it over to me… It was a bowl of fried grasshoppers!

I thought it was some kind of joke, but to my horror Jose scooped up a whole handful and threw them into his mouth like they were chips! All the Salvadorans were staring in disbelief, and of course all the Mexicans were howling with laughter.

For the rest of the night every time a Mexican went to the food table all the Salvadorans would stop what they were doing and watch to see if they put and grasshoppers on their plate… and sure enough many of them did!

Jose spent most of the night trying to dare people into trying them, but nobody was brave enough... Finally he talked some poor kid into eating five of them for $20. I thought for sure the kid would throw up but to my amazement he munched them all down as everyone cheered him on… He told me later that they weren’t that bad but he wouldn’t do it again for less than $40.

So anyway, that’s my story… I guess my question to my Mexican friends out there is basically, you know, what’s up with the grasshoppers?

iCave

After years of saying I would never succumb to the constant advertising and marketing tricks from Apple, I've decided to buy an iPod.

My Philips Mp3 player is just not getting the job done anymore, and after weeks and weeks of research I've come to the grim conclusion that despite all my denials, iPod is the best option on the market. All the other players out there are either ugly, unreliable, don't have enough space, or don't have enough quality accessories I crave.

There was a Sansa player that I kind of like but both of the people I know that have owned it have had major issues... At least with iPod you know what you're getting.

And while the prospect of paying $0.99 per song at iTunes sucks, at least I'll finally be getting access to all those podcasts and TV shows!

So call me a sellout, call me a sheep, I really have no defense... Baaaaaaa.

I've decided on the 80 gig, Ipod Classic... The idea that I can slap a dozen or so movies on it without hardly even making a dent in the storage space is just too tempting to pass up... Yeah those new Nano's are sexy but I don't want to find myself worrying about file space a few months down the road... it's a no brainer for me.

As some of you may remember, when I bought my last mp3 player I had narrowed the choices down two finalists: [1] the 30 gb Philips player, and [2] a Creative player that was basically the same as the Philips, only it had video capabilities and $75 cost increase...

Moe Greene and I went on a field trip to Best Buy to examine them both up close and make the purchase. We both agreed that the video feature was not worth the extra money and that I should buy the Philips player... which is what I did.

Two weeks later Moe went out and bought that Creative player... As we predicted, he never really had much use for the video option but just knowing he could do it and I couldn't drove me insane- which is why he bought the damn thing in the first place.

Anyway, when I told him last week that I was thinking about making the leap to iPod he was highly critical of the decision... I ended up sending him a very long winded email detailing my reasoning. His response was basically, "They're just not for me."

The next day he called me in route to Best Buy... he bought 80 gb Classic for himself and an 8 gb Nano for his wife. That's right, after saying he wasn't interested he went out and bought one before I could. He beat me to the punch. That bastard.

The only reason I didn't stab him neck the next time I saw him was because I wanted to check out the iPod of course. I didn't think he would let me hold the iPod with a steak knife lodged in his throat, so I had to pretend like my initial anger had passed... Once I had it in my hand it took me roughly 15 seconds to realize that I should have been using an iPod all along. The screen was beautiful, the picture was sharp, the menu layout was easy to navigate... I guess the 10 billion or so iPod users were right all along... fuck.

The only thing left for me to decide is the color... Moe's is black and it looks fabulous... But I think the silver one looks pretty decent as well- and it would be different than Moe's... So I've decided to solicit votes-

Silver or Black?:

Unlikely Match

I won’t get into the specific details of how I came to know this, but if you go to the google website and conduct a search for ‘cleavage’ under the ‘images’ category, this is the most popular result you get:
















I think it may be the greatest picture I’ve ever seen. It prominently features two of my favorite things in life- cleavage, and irony… I would never have thought to combine the two but this young lady did, and god bless her for that.

Can you think of any other unlikely combinations that work so perfectly together?

The Last Game

I spent most of the night shivering on the metal bleachers with a lump in my throat, hoping for a miracle. It was a magical season and I didn’t want it to end… But at the same time, I knew it would.

Many of you will logically conclude that I’m talking about my beloved DC United who lost in the playoffs last week…but you’d be wrong.

I’m actually referring to my nephew William’s high school soccer team, the Eagles. This is his senior year… They were in the playoffs.

Last year was his first year on the team so it didn’t really bother me that they weren't a very good team. I was just glad to see him play.

He’s always been good enough to be on the team, he just never had the grades. Despite being a pretty smart kid he tends to float through life doing just enough to get by. He reminds me a lot of myself in that way- and frankly, that scares me.

So when I found out that he had finally started make an effort in school, I didn’t care why. If it was for a soccer team, well that was great... Whatever it took... but I certainly wasn’t worried about was the team’s record. I wanted him to play well, sure, but if the team won it was just a bonus.

But this year was different. William has kept up the grades and suddenly the team started winning too... And he was a major reason why. Not only is he the team’s most reliable defender but he also has a knack for creating opportunities for the team’s goal scorers.

The Eagles have been dominating opponents all year with their deadly counter attack, which often times starts with a long looping pass from William. They finished with the second best record in their league, and as they headed into the playoffs I realized that not only did I now care about the team, but I was starting to care a little too much!

On Halloween night they barely came away the victory over their rival high school in a thrilling 2-1 victory. It was the kind of game where you find yourself checking your pulse just to make sure your heart hasn’t stopped beating. There were hard fouls, spectacular goals, beautiful passes, and lots of drama. I lost my voice in the second half screaming along with the other fans and when the Eagles won, it felt like I had won too.

But it wasn’t all good news…William took a nasty spill in the first half of that game and re-aggravated a knee injury that he had sustained earlier in the year.

He tried to come back and play in the second half but could only manage to limp through a couple of agonizing minutes before hobbling back to the bench.

The next game was in two days… Friday… which is when I found myself shivering on the metal bleachers hoping for a miracle that never came.

William wasn’t sure if he would be able to play or not. His father told him not to play if the knee was still sore- I told him that unless he was in the hospital he better damn well be out on the field.

I arrived just as the game was starting only to see that William was sitting on the bench with an ace bandage wrapped around his knee. We made eye contact and he gave me a quick signal to indicate that he wouldn’t be able to play.

I was more than a little disappointed and made that clear with my facial expression. I didn’t mean to be so hard on him I just wanted him to understand the significance of the moment.

Not only was I afraid that the team would lose, but I feared that would go the rest of his life regretting that he didn’t at least try to play.

As the game started to unfold it was clear that the opposing team (the Bulldogs) were making a point to attack the right side of the Eagle’s defense… the side William would normally be covering.

The Eagles have a bad habit of sometimes letting inferior opponents hang around in the game… this was quickly shapping up like one of those games.

They had actually beaten the Bulldogs fairly easily earlier in the year but they looked like a diferent team now. They were a more confident team that didn’t notice or care that they were supposed to lose this game. In fact, it seemed like only a matter of time before they might take the lead.

Finally, after watching his team in disarray without him, William yanked off his ace bandage and ran out onto the field.

Goose bumps shot down my arm as the two dozen or so fans in attendance clapped in appreciation. I’ll admit that my eyes got a little watery.

The pace of the game shifted immediately. The opponents attack suddenly stalled out and the Eagles began showing signs of life.

They missed a couple of goal opportunities by inches, but they had their swagger back.

...and then disaster struck…

On a free kick, the Bulldogs sent a low shot towards the Eagles’ goal. It had no serious chance of going in, but it did manage to skip up off grass and hit one of the Eagles in the arm. The referee quickly awarded a penalty kick and with that, the score was 1-0.

In second half I think the adrenaline started to wear off because William was beginning to struggle with the pain. He was running with a noticeable limp and grimaced every time he kicked the ball. There were a couple instances where it appeared that his body was not cooperating with what his mind wanted it to do… but still, he fought on.

The game was slipping away and the look of urgency on every player’s face was evident... But despite their best effort neither team could amount any kind of formidable attack. Frustrations began to boil over. The game got very physical. There were hard fouls from both sides. I started to worry about William's knee.

The Eagles did actually manage to get one very good shot on goal with about 4 minutes left, but the opposing keeper made a diving save… and that was it.

Time expired shortly after. The season was over. The dream had died.

As the Bulldogs celebrated their victory the Eagles players laid on the field. Some players were weeping into the grass. William covered his face with his jersey and limped towards the sidelines.

I wanted to write a post about how proud I was of my nephew. How his team had fought hard but had come up just short. How despite the loss he had learned a valuable lesson by putting the greater good of the team ahead of his own personal health… And of course all that is true. But something I became aware of after the game changed the way this post will end.

Apparently as the Eagles were defending a corner kick late in the game a player from the Bulldogs made some racial comments towards my nephew… And not just your garden variety Carlos Mencia-like comment either… the player called him “a fucking spic”.

I remembered seeing William get into a bit of a shoving match late in the game where the ref had to step in and talk with bot players, but nothing really came of it. It was a scene you see a dozen times in a soccer match and at the time I didn’t give it much thought.

But now here was my nephew in front of me in the parking lot after the game with tears of anger in his eyes. He had just played his heart out and lost. He had just gotten his first really strong dose of racism.

And I didn’t know what to say…I had been totally prepared with words of wisdom on how to handle the loss… but racism… I had no answer for that.

My immediate reaction was “let’s go find that little mother fucker,” but that would not have been the mature way to handle the situation (not to mention the little bastard had already left on the bus.)

An entire weekend has since passed and I’m still a bit shocked by the situation. I’m not shocked at the fact that racism had occurred, but the WAY in which occurred… FUCKING SPIC… it’s flagrant… it’s malicious… it’s right out in the open for anyone to see. And from a teenager.

Later that night I found myself alone with my journal. I wrote that maybe in some strange way this was a good thing for William… Maybe its better that he be confronted with this blatant racism now, so he’ll be more prepared for the subtle, camouflaged racism he’s sure to encounter later in life.

It’s now Monday afternoon and I’m still replaying the incident in my mind.

I fear that when William looks back on this game, his last game, all he will see is the memory of that racial slur… Will that moment over shadow all the other stuff? Will he be able to remember what a hard fought game it was? Will he remember how brave he was to even get out there and play?

I hope he will look back and remember the pain in his knee… Remember how hard it was to play through that pain… how reckless it was to give so much of himself… and how proud of him I am that he did it.

NEWS NEWS NEWS

Don’t let the shinny exterior fool you- this blog is still crap to the core!

I think that part of the reason I went into the long and ugly blogging slump was because my blog just felt stale… But now that I’m back a change seems not only appropriate but necessary.

I’d been brain storming ideas for a couple weeks, then on Wednesday morning inspiration struck while I was in the um… shower...

I won’t go into the details of how or in what form the idea came to me. I’ll just say it was profound- in an earth shattering kind of way.

In addition to the tasteful new blog name and super creative layout you may notice a couple of other new features… Mainly I’m referring to the “Farting in the Shower” official blog store located directly to your right in the side bar.

By clicking on that link you will be transported to a magical place where all your hopes and dreams come true… that’s right I’ve finally figured out a way for all of you to not only promote the blog but spend your hard earned cash in the process!

But before you write this store off as just some shameless way for me to expand my wealth and fame, there is something you should know… A portion of the proceeds from every item sold in the store will be donated to sick children a fat, broke blogger.

Also, FITS. [kick ass acronym huh?] might be adding a couple of writers in the near future. Basically anyone who can write something really funny but can also -you know- work for free might want to apply.

The benefit to this/these writers would be that they can write as much or as little as they want on the blog because- what the fuck do I care?

Also, they can use this blog/me to pad their resume. Basically, write down anything you want about your time spent as a FITS writer and if anyone calls me to verify the facts- I’ll confirm anything you want. Really, I have no problem with lying. I'm quite good at it actually.

So go ahead and write down that you were nominated for a Pulitzer Prize or that this blog was so fucking successful that you made 5 appearances on the Oprah Show over a 2 year stretch… whatever… Again the basic rule of thumb here is- what the fuck do I care?

Of course there are some material benefits… for example, how great would it be to have an unlimited supply of these from the FITS blog store?:

That's right, it's the official FITS thong- with the Old School "Asi Es" theme going on... You know, for when you need to feel a little Joel in a naughty place!