I M 4 SALE

Well, I'm in the middle of an internet problem at my house this week so my blog time will be very limited... Hence no Tuesday post and worse yet, now I'm falling behind on other people's blogs.

But while I have a minute here, something has been bugging me that I thought I'd share... An acquaintance of mine (a friend of a friend sort of thing) who recently graduated from The University of Maryland was just hired to do my dream job... He sent out applications all over the place (he was even rejected to be a production assistant on some show on the Animal Planet- how low is that!?) and then all of a sudden he gets an offer to be a paid, I repeat PAID blogger on some sort of sports related website... And get this, he will get paid per blog entry! If he wants to write a couple hundred posts a day he can do that and get paid for each and every one of them!

And what awe inspiring qualifications does this lucky bastard posses? Surely he must have written some exceptional articles for the University's newspaper? Or perhaps he already has his own popular and successful blog that he can boast of? Certainly he must having something, right????

Well, no actually... Nothing.

He's a really nice kid and I have enjoyed hanging out with him the 3 or 4 times I've met him, so you would think I'd be happy for him. But to be perfect honest- no, I'm not. Actually I'm insanely jealous... Green with envy... I'm angry... That should have been MY job!?

Sure, I only have like 20 or so readers, but you know what? That's 20 or so more readers than that fucker had before they gave him this gig!

Now he's going to be writing about Sports all day, and getting paid to do it!

Do you know how far I would go to land a job like that? How low I would stoop? How many people would I step on? How many backs I would plunge knives into? How many casting couches would I lay on? Let me just say, for the record, I would do just about anything to have that job...

So if you're reading this blog right now, and your looking to pay someone to ramble on about sports, or women's cleavage, or anything for that matter... I'm your guy.

Maybe you think that because I haven't enabled the advertising on my blog that I have too much artistic integrity to be bought... Let me assure you, that is not the case.

I can be bought, and you'd probably be surprised at how little it would cost you... I AM FOR SALE... I want you to want me... I need you to need me...

Strung Out

When it comes to soccer, I try to limit myself to the big events; World Cup, European Cup, Copa de America, etc.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the sport; it’s just that I don’t have the space in my life… Right now I have University of Maryland Basketball and Football, the Washington Redskins, the Washington Wizards, and the Washington Nationals to worry about.

It’s not so much the time aspect that causes a problem (somehow all those teams rarely seem to bump into each other). The problem for me has always been the emotional commitment.

With Baseball and NBA Basketball the schedules are so long that your emotions never get too high or too low based on the team’s performance. You can also miss several games without feeling like you’ve lost anything… but with the NFL or College Basketball, that’s just not the case.

Every game is a must see, and every game has the potential to leave you an emotional wreck; Moe Greene has been known to let a Maryland Basketball losing streak put him in a psychotic state that is quite frankly- creepy…

In fact, there was a period in 2001 during a particularly frustrating losing streak when he could have legitimately been classified as a danger not only to himself, but to the people around him… We were one more home loss away from an intervention, and I’m only half-joking.

I guess my point is- Soccer is one of those “consuming” sports… If I were going to compare sports to illegal drugs, I’d say the NBA and Baseball are the soft stuff: alcohol, pills, marijuana, etc.

But Soccer, Football, and most forms of Collegiate Athletics would be classified as the hard core addicting stuff: coke, heroin, internet pornography, methamphetamines, etc.

And that’s why I’ve always tried to limit my Soccer intake… The last thing I need is another sport or another team to have control over my emotional wellbeing.

But what happens to people who experiment a little too much with a hard core drug? They get hooked.

And for me, it happened during this World Cup… I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened but sometime between the US’s first round abortion and Zidane’s now infamous head-but, I developed a habit.

As soon as the World Cup was over I crashed. I found myself in a desperate search of a Soccer fix.

I read article after article about the US coaching vacancy, I’ve read countless previews for the upcoming Premier League Season, and I’ve even begun re-reading Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby… Finally, still in desperate need for a fix, I contemplated watching some MLS games.

I knew it could be a mistake. I knew that if I watched a couple of DC United games I could become emotionally attached and subsequently sucked in... and that’s what I don’t need.

So to avoid all that, I settled on a full proof plan where I could get my fix without adding a new sports addiction… The plan was that I would ONLY watch occasional games and then follow the team with a passing interest through the internet/newspapers. That way my craving would be fed, yet I would remain safe and addiction free.

Well guess what? It didn’t work. I probably knew that plan was crap when I came up with it.

I’ve watched every second of the last two United games, and to be 100% honest, I actually watched a couple of games during the World Cup as well.

All in all I think I’ve seen all but 1 of their last 5 games and that one I missed was only because I was in Houston… At this point it would be hard to deny the fact that I have a problem. And the worst part is; it’s a pretty silly addiction to be stuck with.

While DC United are by all accounts the “Crown Jewel” of MLS Clubs, that’s a lot like being the Valedictorian of Summer School… Yeah they’re the best in the League, but we’re talking about a League that gets no respect, little publicity, and have attendances that regularly hover around 10,000 fans- even in the major market areas… (except for DC of course who usually get around 20,000 fans per game).

And let’s face it- the talent level in the MLS is questionable at best… Most rosters consist of aging stars who are past their primes and young players who have yet to achieve anything. Anybody worth watching has been or is about to be bought by the top European Clubs…

Now having said all that, I have somehow still found myself in the midst of this bizarre addiction… I called Moe Greene 3 (THREE!!!) times during a Friendly Match against a shorthanded Celtic FC team (DC destroyed them 4-0 in case you’re wondering)… and I practically forced him to watch us take on the Columbus Crew this past Saturday (3-2 victory for DC who have now gone 13 games without a lose and are dominating the standings).

I’ve also been looking at the team’s website a lot more than I care to admit. I’ve caught myself browsing Season Ticket prices at least 3 times (even though the season is halfway done), and I’ve been trying to calculate how much weight I would have to lose to fit comfortably into a 2X DC United Home Jersey… Also, I can neither confirm nor deny the rumors that my computer desktop is sporting a new Freddy Adu wallpaper.

Any sane person would realize that things are getting out of control and try to quit cold turkey… But that’s not what I’m doing… That’s right, my ultimate goal is not to break my addiction, but to drag my best friend down with me…

Like I said, I forced him to watch the Columbus Crew game with me, and even though his kids were a constant distraction (to him, not me) I think he enjoyed it.

He claims to have no interest in letting the team consume him in the way it has consumed me, but we’ll see… I have a few more tricks up my sleeve, and I’m not afraid to hit below the belt.

You see, Moe has 3 kids and none of them are old enough to fend for themselves. So that means he has NO time for him… His life has basically become a constant and never ending search for reasons to leave the house.

So in order to exploit that fact, I’m on the verge of purchasing 2 tickets to a DC United game… He doesn’t know it yet, but we aren’t far away from seeing our first live and in person Soccer game.

That’s right, he’s going to get a dangerous injection of MLS Soccer directly in his vein… whether he wants it or not.

If I’m going to be stuck in this absurd world of MLS Soccer addiction, I will not be alone!

I HAD MY CHERRY (LIMEADE) POPPED

It was my final day in Houston… I had just finished packing up the car… The World Cup, and subsequently one final family gathering was supposed to begin in one hour.

I knew this was my only chance to finally hoist my Holy Grail… My time had come, my moment had arrived… it was time for me to finally go to Sonic!!!!

As you may remember from some of my previous posts, for some reason my area has been saturated with commercials for Sonic Fast Food for the past 3 years. The only problem is, the closest one is 4 hours away!

I had noticed the many Sonics located around the immediate area of my sister in law’s house on our previous Houston trips, but I had never had the time or the comfort level to venture out on my own to try one… but this trip would be different.

I took one final look at the clock. If I was going to go, I needed to go now.

I grabbed my keys… I looked both ways to make sure nobody was around to either tag along or delay my departure… I was cleared for take off… I made my move for the door.

Just as I opened the door I heard the voice of my little nephew Esteban Jr… “Tio… donde vas?”

I paused for a moment… If I took him with me I would have to find his mom and tell her, and then all the other kids would want to go, or worse yet give me a list of requests… I’d never have time…

I swallowed my guilt and flew out the door… This is an important mission I told myself.

10 minutes later I pulled up to the Sonic… The order process was a little weird, for instance I was not prepared for the Tater-Tot over Fires Option, or the plethora of other potential side orders… plus every drink combination looked good.

I finally settled on a Double-Cheeseburger Meal, Tater-Tots over fires, an order of Mozzarella Sticks, and a Cherry Limeade drink... The Cheeseburger looked small on the menu but tuned out to be huge, so that made it really hard to get it all down, but I managed…

Of course while I was waiting for my food I had to call Moe Greene and brag… I left a voice mail. It went something like this:

“Enjoy your silly McDonald’s, I’m at a Sonic… bitch!”

He called me back 15 minutes later as I was finishing up my food… He told me that a Sonic had just opened a few weeks ago in this town we pass through on our way to the Beach… He had spotted with his wife and kids the week before but had refused to stop there because he knew he was going to the beach with me and another friend in a month… He wanted it to be a surprise…

Hearing this made me feel like a jerk.

I took a final sip of my Cherry Limeade… it was sooooo good.

Yeah, I felt bad... but not that bad.

Moving?

I just got back from Houston… Every time we go down there my wife’s sisters try to talk us into moving down there and to be honest they’ve almost got me sold on the idea.

In case you’ve never been to Houston here is how the housing situation works:

Do you have a pulse: YES

Can you sign on the dotted line? YES

Congratulations, you’re now a homeowner…

Another reason I wouldn’t mind moving don there is it would keep me from ever having to drive there again… I’ve now made the drive 3 times and I’ve sworn to never do it again after each trip. 24 hours in a car is just no fun at all.

Plus you have to drive through Louisiana… Have you ever been to someone’s house and it was so dirty and nasty that you didn’t want to touch anything? Well that’s what the entire State of Louisiana makes me feel… Every time I make the trip something strange happens. The highlight of which came the first time I passed through… We were at a gas station when a dog with 3 legs and 1 eye tried to climb into my car. Even he knew enough to know he wanted to get out of the State.

Plus there is always a not so subtle hint of racism in the smaller towns when we’ve stopped for Gas and/or food.

This year there was an old Cajon man in a McDonald’s who looked at us like he wanted to kill us because we were speaking Spanish… It amazes me that this old man lives in a state where a portion of the population literally made up a language of their own (Creole) yet he was so angry at hearing us speaking Spanish… The best part was that he was picking his nose the whole time he was giving us the stare down!?! He was a real gentlemen to say the least.

I’m sure I’ve just had bad luck with the State. My father has been to New Orleans a bunch of times and has called it his favorite city (although that may have been the liquor and hookers talking) but as far as I’m concerned, I wouldn’t mind avoiding the place for the rest of my life.

If we do make the move to Houston, I'm going to have find away to bypass the Magnolia State.

Win The Lottery

I'll be gone until next week, and I've been meaning to put this post up for days and I'm just now getting to it. So here it is:

Whenever I find myself alone in my car for more than 20 minutes at a time (which is just about everyday) I daydream… But not your typical daydreams, I’m talking about really elaborate and bizarre ones.

Last week I had one of the more drawn out day dreams I’ve ever had… It started out pretty simple, “What would I do if I won the lottery?”

While I’m sure most everyone has gone through that scenario in their head before, I doubt many people have gone into as in depth with their dream.

The first thing you have to do when you play this game is determine the amount of money you just won… For me at least, the game isn’t worth playing unless we’re talking “set for life” money… now having said that, I wouldn’t want to win on of those Super Lottery $150 million Jackpots either.

Frankly, having read the history on the people who have won that kind of money, I don’t know that I would want it… Ok, that’s a lie, but seriously, those people end up cursed.

When I play “the Lottery game” I usually win a more modest sum of $20 Million… It’s enough for me to be set for life and still fly under the radar and not have people beating down my door.

The next decision is how you want the money… The Lottery people don’t like to give you all the doe up front, they want to hook you up with a yearly payment system… However, if you really want to get paid up front you can take the option of getting half of what your winnings were… That would be my choice.

Let’s face it, based on my ultra healthy lifestyle and family history, my run as a millionaire would probably be very short. To be perfectly honest, there would be at least a 25-40% chance that within 5 years I’d be found dead at Charlie Sheen’s house with a hooker and a Scarface pile of coke lying on the coffee table.

The real tragedy in that scenario would be all of that money I would have never got to spend because I didn’t take the lump sum payment up front… So NO, I’m not doing the yearly payments thing. I’ll take the $10 million up front, which after taxes would leave me with about $6 million.

I’d take about $1 million of that and purchase a spacious but anonymous condo in Georgetown… [I reccomend you take the virtual tour on that condo by the way]... Then, I’d pay off my Kia and then immediately trade it in on a brand new Yellow Jeep Wrangler with all the options.

Of course I’d let my wife, mother, and sister each pick out their own reasonable cars… no Bentley’s or anything outrageous like that.

That would leave me with about $4.75 million.

I’d spend about $250,000 that first Christmas on gifts for extended family and friends… not because I’m a nice guy or anything, it would basically be a payoff; “Look here’s a Rolex and computer, now please don’t bother me ever again… and get off my lawn.” [That part wouldn’t make much sense since I’d be living in a condo and thus would have no lawn, but you get the idea]

That leaves me with $4.5 million… and of course ‘the job decision’.

I would have to have something to occupy my time otherwise I would burn threw that money in a little under a decade (or one really bad weekend at a sports book in Vegas)… As much as I love my job, the hours suck. There is no way I could have all that money in the bank and stay motivated to wake up at 3:30 in the morning. I’d do it for about a week and then say, “Fuck this…”

So I’d take Moe Greene out to lunch, throw a bunch of money at him so he would leave his job and come work for me… The business would be buying and selling houses… Nothing too risky or adventurous, or overly ambitious… Just enough for me to pay for my new lifestyle and keep me occupied… I’d invest about $1.5 million in that.

That leaves me with $3 million.

My last big splurge would be a party… Not just any party though, I’m talking about a huge over the top shin dig with everyone I’ve ever met invited… Of course all my blogging peeps would be flown in for the weekend… There would be lot’s of alcohol, great food, dancers (mostly clothed) and of course… a band.

Clearly, I would try to get a “back together for one night only” performance from Blink 182 or Rage Against the Machine… but that wouldn’t be very realistic.

I could get Green Day or maybe even U2, but that would be a little out of my price range… I think the band would be All-American Rejects.

They happen to be my band of the moment, as well as Moe and our friend Mike “So Def” as well… so that would be my choice. I bet I could book them for the night for under 25k … It’s sad to admit it, but I actually have a whole set list planned out… I won’t go through the whole list, but I will say this; they would finish with the last track off their first CD “The Last Song”… Not only is it aptly titled for closing out my party, but I could also get up on stage and introduce the song before they played it… You see, Moe Greene mad the mistake of telling me last month that he was alone at lunch listening to this song in his car and it was so beautiful and so touching that it made him cry!… seriously… no really, stop laughing, I’m serious, he cried…

Of course I wouldn’t let him know that I was going to tell the story, I’d just get on stage, grab the mic, and tell everyone.

That would leave me with about $2.75 Million… I’d put half in savings and invest the rest of it into very conservative blue chip stocks.

I’d live a quiet and anonymous life. I wouldn’t tell people that I had money. I’d work like 20-30 hours a week. I’d sleep in. If I got the urge to go to the beach, I’d go to the beach… and that’s it.

Of course if you asked my wife about this she would probably tell you about how I never play the lottery and in fact get mad at her when she does, but the way I see, that's just a minor speed bump on my road to becoming a Lottery Millionaire.