Film Vault Tuesday (Week 7)

Well after my Thankless Saturday, I had a depressing Sunday... I ended up being the only one home, which was the first time I'd had the house all to myslef in a long time. I was very excited.

I planned on taking a long bath, finishing a book I had been reading, and eating all the left over Ham and Macaroni and Cheese. This isn't just any Mac and Cheese though, it's my mom's famous Mac and Cheese casserole which I'll put up against any Mac and Cheese dish out there.

Since I was going to be home alone, with no women to keep me from acting like the pig I am, I decided to eat the leftover while taking my bath.

I heated up the food, tossed on some salt and pepper, poured a large glass of lemonade and headed to the bathroom.

I was talking on the phone to Moe Green during this whole process, so that made the situation a little complicated... I was carrying 2 books, the plate of food, a glass of lemonade, and talking on the phone.

Everything was fine until I got the bathroom and went to set the books down. Somehow I ended up dropping everything but the phone.

The plate crashed down onto the corner of the bathtub and Macaroni and Chesse went everywhere.

The ham ended up covered in lemonade, and sharp little pieces of plate were all over the floor.

It was an ugly site.

For a fat guy like me, seeing a great meal ruined like that was the equivalant of discovering a gruesome murder scene. I may never get over it.

I would have cried had I not been on the phone with Moe Green.

It took me over a half hour to clean it all up. My day was never the same after that.

But enough about my pathetic weekend, it's time for FILM VAULT TUESDAY (insert fake applause)

Title: Doc Hollywood (1991)

Credits: Michael J. Fox, Julie Warner, Woody Harrelson

Why: My High School dating life was pretty awful... I mean, I had girlfriends and did okay I guess, but there was a lot of rejection as well. I would have done much better had I just lowered my standards a bit.

But the problem I had is, every now and then I would land a girl who was way out of my league, and that would skew my self image and make me think I could get hot girls on a regular basis... which it turned out I couldn't do.

But I didn't figure that out until like 2 years after High School.

As a result I was always depressed over some girl or another, and I watched a lot of sappy Romantic Comedies... which probably didn't help the situation either because I was always waiting for/expecting some fantasy land happy ending... So now I'm kind of an expert on Romantic Comedies and what make them good, or bad, or whatever...

So it is with that expert opinion that I submit Doc Hollywood as one of the most underrated RC's of the 90's...

One of the main ingridiants to making a really good RC is with the leading man... You're probably thinking, "well no shit..." But what I'm getting at is, the guy should actually be a talented actor. Not just a so-so actor with a pretty face, or a guy who's popular at the moment...

If you look back on it, that's what makes Sleepless in Seattle, or Jerry Maguire, or Groundhog Day great... get someone who can actually act... I loved Fools Rush In, but Matthew Perry can't act!? Chris Farley was funny, but he couldn't act... and there is a reason why Hugh Grant movies suck.

My point is, Michael J. Fox was a really good actor at the time Doc Hollywood was made, and this movie should have been bigger than it was.

In addition to Fox, Julie Warner does a great job playing the romantic interest. She takes the stereotype "cute girl with spunk" RC role and makes it her own.

And the supporting cast is remarkable... Woody Harrelson and Bridget Fonda?! Can't beat that.

Plus the guy who plays the Angry Old Doctor, and the guy who plays the Town Mayor are great as well.

Remote Stopper Scene: Any of the Woody Harrelson scenes are great... Put him in a movie as a supporting role and he's amazing... Ask him to be the lead and it's a train wreck (with the notable exception of White Men Can't Jump).

Also I love the scene towards the end when Michael J. is in his LA penthouse apartment and he misses the small town so he calls their county weather hotline and he's using a portable phone the size of a cynderblock... that always gets me.

Goosebump/Tear Factor: I don't know that I get Goosebumps at any point in the movie, but I love the Dance scene at the Squash Festival when they play that "Crazy" song... I hate country music, but I love that song.

Overall Rating: I'm giving it a 7.5 out of 10, but you could make the arguement for an 8... It's got everything you ask for in a Romantic Comedy and then some. The humor is quick, sarcastic and witty which is maybe why it wasn't a bigger hit.

Actually, I don't know why it wasn't a bigger hit. If you haven't seen it, give it a try, and if you have- watch it again... It's a good date movie by the way... Cook a halfway decent meal, put this movie on, add a little alcohol- and let nature take it's course.

Thankless Saturday

STORY ONE

I work Saturdays... it's only a half day, but regardless, nobody wants to wake up Saturday morning and go to work, even if it’s only for 4 hours... But whatever, that's my life.

Anyway, it was a busy Saturday and I almost didn't have enough time to eat the Chinese I had delivered.

I ate a small wonton soup and then was interrupted like 6 times while trying to eat my shrimp fried rice... Finally I just gave up after eating about half of the portion... I brought the other half home... to eat later, for someone else to eat- I don't know, I just brought it home.

Anyway, I get home and I'm sitting on the bed talking to my wife about my day, blah blah blah... she mentions that she's hungry.

I told her about my Chinese and she gave me a look of disbelief that I was just going to give her my Chinese leftovers... She raced down the stairs to get the food before I changed my mind... I could here her heating it up in the microwave.

She came upstairs, it smelled great. She started to chow down...

"Your welcome..." I sarcastically said, since she never said "thank you."

"For what?"

"For the food."

"Why should I say thank you, you didn't bring it for me, you brought it for you to eat later."

"Yeah but I gave it to you."

"I'm not saying thank you."

"That's crazy..."

And then she pushed the plate towards me and said I could have it back, because she wasn't going to say thank you.

"Just eat the food then... Don't say thanks, whatever." At that point I left the room, because I'm not about to fight about left over Chinese 2 days after our anniversary.

“I’m not going to eat it!” she yelled as I walked away.

I came back into the room 20 minutes later, “did you eat it?” I asked.

“No,” she replied with a wicked grin on her face.

I opened the carton, it was empty. She had eaten it.

"Was it good?"

"Yes..."

“Are you going say thank you?”

“No.”

STORY TWO

While I was at work today, my boss decided he was going to be rearranging the office... Typically it's just me and Moe Green on Saturday's but because of all this rearranging, the boss was there too.

Now, you don't need to know my boss to actually KNOW him... Just picture the most incompetent boss/manager you've ever had in your life... Now imagine that in addition to being wildly incompetent, he's also literally the biggest jerk you've ever met... Now picture that he also has conveniently "forgotten" to give the office their yearly raise that was due on Jan 1st... Whenever he's asked about it, he says "I'll think about it..."

Keep in mind he has never NOT given the raises out... but now all of a sudden he has to think about it... meanwhile we're #1 in sales in our city right now, and he's planning a trip to Thailand, looking into a $10,000 per year country club membership, and wants to buy a new Escalade to replace the old one, which is only 2 years old?!?!?!

We are only scheduled to work until 2 o'clock... then, at 1:58 he calls Moe Green and myself over to his office and asks us to help move a VERY heavy desk.

We had to take his office door off its hinges and the slide this desk out of his office and finally onto a dolly. This took about 20 minutes... 20 minutes I'm not getting paid for.

Anyway, the desk is on the dolly and I have to go hold the front door open so he can wheel the thing out.

I'm maybe 4-5 feet behind him at the door... As he tilts the desk back with the dolly and starts to try and roll it back towards him I get a very sinister thought.

"What if this VERY heavy desk starts to fall back on him?"

I mean clearly, if that scenario were to take place it would fall to me (being the one right behind him) to lend a hand and keep it from crushing him.

It occurred to me that I wasn't sure if I would actually do that... I might just watch it crush him; I really wasn't positive one way or the other.

Sure enough, he leaned it back a little too far and I saw his pasty white arms start to show signs of buckling under the weight.

My first reaction, I’m sad to say was, "Yes, yes, yes! Crush him."

Then I came to my senses and reached my hand out to help him balance the damn thing.

"What are you doing, let it crush him!?" I screamed at myself... But it was too late. The little shove of my hand on the desk for a brief couple of seconds was all he needed to get the monstrous piece of furniture back under control...

When it was all done, I’d worked 30 minutes of manual labor for free, for a guy who won’t give us the raises we’re owed… and the prick didn't even say thank you...

Afterwards I went home and STORY ONE happened... and as you know I never got a thank you for that either.

One Last Gift

Well, Salma didn't take the break-up post very well, I think maybe I should give her another photo to remember the good times.... Here we are with Penelope Cruz, and the Olsen twins. Wow! That was one crazy night!















Let me just say, the rumors about Penelope and Salma are true, (wink, wink). I'd also like to point out that the Olsen twins were of age at the time, and VERY consenting!

For the Good of My Marriage

It has been brought to my attention by some, that today (being my second wedding anniversary and all) would be a good time to end this hot and steamy affair I've been having... I suspect this may be good advice, leading me to take the follwing actions:

To my mistress- I guess this is goodbye... we had great times, no doubt, but let's just put this behind us and move on... it's not you, it's me. You'll learn to love again... I leave you with this, one of my favorite pictures of us together... I know, the lighting is a little funny, but the paparazzi were out in full force that night and I guess all the camera flashes make everything look a little funny... but regardless, it was a beautiful night, and I must say, I looked stunning... and you were looking pretty okay yourself... So here it is, my last gift to you:



















Sorry to end this on my blog, but you're just so difficult to deal with in person when it comes to emotional subjects like this... really, you may want to work on that.

You're a little, I don't know, smothering at times I guess... But that's besides the point... What I want to say is- good-bye.

FILM VAULT TUESDAY (WEEK 6)

Over the past 3 years I’ve grown up in so many ways… I attribute this mainly to my wife. There is something about being someone’s Husband that makes you feel a little more, I don’t know- adult.

But some immaturities will always remain... For instance, I’m never going to quit playing video games… I’ll never stop leaving dirty dishes on the coffee table, and I’ll never, EVER, stop drinking directly from the carton of milk in the fridge…

There is one thing I would like to change though… I want to stop doing the “Pee Pee Dance.”
A grown man should not do the “Pee Pee Dance.”

I came to this realization yesterday as I was at work… I was typing up an email to a client and I had to go #1, really bad.

I had been thinking about going for the better part of a hour, but I kept putting it off. “I’ll go after I finish this game of Free-Cell.”

Anyway, as I was just about to get up and relieve myself I got a call which led to me having to type the above referenced email… For as long as I can remember I’ve had this strange issue where no matter how bad I have to pee, I can’t go until I’m finished doing whatever it is I’m working on… It makes no sense, I don’t know why, but I’ve always had this issue.

So of course, now that I had to write this email, I knew I wouldn’t allow myself to go to the bathroom until it was done… even though my bladder was about to explode.

I tried typing the email as fast as I could, but of course that led to typos and miss-worded sentences that only lengthened the process.

It was when I started re-writing the email that “The Pee Pee Dance” began.

As my fingers plucked away on the keyboard, I stood up, sat down, stood back up, swiveled my hips to the side, and then sat down again.

Another weird issue I have is proof reading everything I write over and over and over. Even the most simple email like “Are we going to McDonalds for lunch?” gets read 10 times and re-written at least half that amount.

If any of you reading this have a blog that I read, you may find it interesting know that even a simple one sentence comment that I leave on your blog is a five minute process…

Normally that re-reading issue doesn’t cause any problems, but when I’m having my “Pee issue” AND the “re-reading issue” at the same time, it’s not good. Not good at all.

So there I am- sitting, standing, twisting, crossing my legs, trying to read, re-read, type, and not piss my pants all at the same time.

When it was finally over I raced to the bathroom and got my business done just in time… As I washed my hands I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I gave myself a disapproving look… “You‘re 26 years old, why are you doing the Pee-Pee Dance?!”

Now on to Film Vault Tuesday:

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Title: JFK (1991)

Credits: Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, Joe Pesci

Why: I’ve been watching a lot of A&E, History Channel, Discovery Channel lately and they each have their own version of show with the same theme… Debunking Myths and Analyzing Historical Mysteries- that sort of thing… Anyway, one night I watched like 3 straight hours of nerds analyzing every aspect and crazy theory about the JFK assassination… Which led me to want to dust off my JFK DVD.

I think we can all agree that Oliver Stone is insane… His theory that a bunch of right wing gay militants conspired with some higher ups at the Pentagon to kill JFK is totally insane… but it’s damn entertaining!

Joe Pesci and Tommy Lee Jones are both phenomenal in their roles, and Kevin Costner trying to do a New Orleans accent is always entertaining.

Not to mention the non-stop cameo’s from the likes of John Candy, Kevin Bacon, Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, and the chick who played Jackie from Roseanne.

Remote Stopper Scene: The Donald Sutherland scene… Costner’s character goes to Washington to have a very cloak and dagger secret meeting with Sutherland
(A higher up in the Military Intelligence sector of Washington)… Most of what Sutherland’s character says about the specifics of the JFK assassination is pure Oliver Stone BS, but a lot of what he has to say about how the Military and Weapons manufacturers ran our country at the time (and to some extent still do) is very eye-opening… Sutherland does an excellent job of delivering the monologue that leaves you scratching your head searching for answers.

Goosebump/Tear Factor: Courtroom scene… I’ve actually read the transcript of Jim Garrison’s actual closing argument in the case against Clay Bertrand, it wasn’t all that charismatic- but hey Hollywood doesn’t care about trivial things such as “facts“ or “reality”!
Regardless, it’s a moving and powerful scene, even if Costner’s accent does suck.

Overall Rating: 8/10... Did Lee Harvey Oswald act alone? Were there other gunman? Did he have help planning the assassination? Who knows… One thing is for certain, it wasn’t bunch of gay fascists who pulled this thing off!

But don’t let that fact deter you from enjoying a very well acted movie.

By the way, if you're a Right Wing Gay Facist, involved in the assassination of JFK, and you're reading this... I apologize for not taking you seriously.

THE YEAR WINTER WENT HOME EARLY

It happens every year in the DC area. Perhaps it happens in your city too, perhaps not.

I think the official name for it is “False Spring,” or something to that effect… It usually happens in mid to late February… and it tricks me every year.

Even though we still have some remnants of dying snow, the sun comes out and warms the streets just long enough to make you believe that Winter is really over and Spring is finally here.

It’s been 60-70 degrees most of the week, and all over the Mid-Atlantic optimistic people are putting their jackets away in hallway closets.

Being the perpetual pessimist that I am, I tell myself- “It will never last… There is one more big snow storm coming. You‘re not going to fool me again this year!”

But then all these sure signs of Spring time start to appear… Girls wearing less clothing… people washing their cars… people driving with their windows down… and the one that really gets me- baseball!

That’s right, for pitchers and catchers, Spring Training began this week… This is the time of year I start scouring the internet for obscure baseball news, and taking lunch time trips to the book store in search of overpriced baseball magazines.

Up until this week I didn’t even realize that I was missing Baseball... But now that I've caught a brief glimpse, I miss it in a desperate and depressing manner. I yearn to feel it running through my veins.

It’s kind of like being away from home at Summer Camp. You miss home at first, but then you start having fun and thoughts of home get pushed to the side. “Home” is not even on your mind.

Then one day you open up your suitcase and see a picture of your family. The feeling slaps you in the face… You’re homesick, and all you can think about is going home and hugging your mother… And that’s the closest analogy I can come up with to describe how I feel right now.

I can’t wait for the smell of the ballpark. The taste of hotdogs, and watery beers… The perfectly manicured outfield grass on opening day… It brings me back to my childhood… Moe Green and I playing Whiffle Ball barefoot in my backyard.

I can feel the sun beating down on our backs once again. Our hats stained with sweat, our arms aching from hours of tossing the little white ball back and forth… But the feel of the cool damp grass on our feet seemed to magically energize us for one more hour of play.

My memory might be a bit cloudy, but I think one summer we went to every one of each others Little League Baseball games.

I spent hours standing against the chain link fence of the backstop watching him struggle try to hit the baseball... Despite his athletic talent in the field, he suddenly became afraid of the ball when it was his turn to bat.

His coach would roll his eyes in disgust, mothers would cross their fingers for luck, and his teamates would shout words of encouragement... but nothing seemed to work.

Once that ball was thrown towards home plate he would take a wild swing while at the same time trying to jump out of the way of the ball. It was a sad sight, but I was always there to see it... Living and dying with his every blind swing of the bat.

I’m sure it felt the same for him watching me struggle as a pitcher. I was a good hitter, and a decent fielder, but what I wanted more than anything was to be a great pitcher.

I threw harder than anyone on my team. In practice I was always perfect. Every pitch darting to the plate on target and untouchable... I was full of swagger and confidence.

But when I was in an actual game, something would happen... Once there was a real batter standing at the plate, I was afraid... I was afraid of hitting the batter. I was afraid of failing in front of all my teamates. I was afraid of failing in front of all the people watching the game. I was afraid I would throw my best pitch, and it would somehow not be good enough.

No matter what I did, I just couldn't make the ball go where I wanted it to go... I hit the batter, the back stop, the ground, I even hit the umpire... twice in one game! I hit everything but my catchers glove. I was a mess.

I have a vivid memory of walking the bases loaded and then trying my hardest to throw a perfect pitch only to have it bounce off the batter’s ribcage. I looked over to the bleachers and there was Moe, grimacing as though he was the one hit by the pitch.

The really pathetic part is, I was the best pitcher on my team! (did I mention we weren’t very good?).

But regardless of how bad my team was, or how bad of a pitcher I was, I loved playing.

Even when we lost 20 to 2, I couldn't wait to get out there and play again.

Every February, during the "False Spring" when my desperation for baseball hits, I am visited by these memories... And their return is always pleasant. These are cherished memories…

Of course, there is a reason it’s called a “False Spring.”

The odds are, sometime next week Winter will return and give us one last mighty roar. It will use all it’s strength to cover our world with snow once again, showing us all how wrong we were… Spring isn’t here. In fact, it’s still a few weeks away.

And that means Baseball‘s not nearly as close as I imagined it to be either… My miscalculation will sting.

So, if I’m the perpetual pessimist that I claim to be, how do I get fooled year after year?

Why is it that I find myself thinking- hoping, that maybe, just maybe, this year will be different?

Tell me why this morning I found myself putting my jacket back in the hallway closet?

Is it because maybe, just maybe… this will be the year that Winter actually went home early?

I hope so.

(Moe & Me taking in a minor league baseball game at 12 years old... Moe was the Phillies fan, and I was an A's fan that year... It was tough times before DC got a team we could call our own!)

FILM VAULT TUESDAY (Week Five)

Film Vault Tuesday falls on Valentines Day this week, so I feel kind of obligated to go with a Romantic Comedy.

But, before I get into that, let me tell you a little love story that wasn’t so romantic, or even that funny (at the time). It happened at my office, yesterday.

Moe Green was getting ready to take his lunch break, our receptionist was already on her lunch break- our manager has been out sick for several weeks, and the boss is just never here… so that means I was about to be alone… Then, as Moe is getting ready to leave, in walks one of our scarier clients.

As a rule, people generally don’t mess with me. I’m a big guy, I have a shaved head, people assume I’m an angry person and don’t give me trouble.

Anytime someone gets threatening, usually all I have to do is shoot a look in their direction and that ends it.

Not many people scare me… this guy scares me.

He’s not physically imposing at all... He’s 60 years old, he limps, and just looks as though life has really kicked his ass.

He has piercing black eyes, and the words “Hope Lost” are tattooed across his knuckles.

He’s also usually drunk... If I had to describe his over all "look," I'd say- serial killer. (I'm 80%sure he's got a half-dozen hookers burried in the crawl space of his house.)

Anyway, he sat down at my desk and pulled out a plastic shopping bag full of papers.

Aparently he had not been able to have a drink yet because he had a very bad case of the shakes. He was also stuttering and slurring his words. Needless to say, I was creeped out.

I looked up to see if I could catch Moe Green’s attention and signal him not to leave me alone with this guy, but it was too late… Moe walked out the door.

'Creepy Serial Killer Guy' started explaning about needing to show me a paper he got from the DMV, but his hands were shaking so much he couldn't manage to pull the paper out of the bag.

Finally I reached into the bag for him.

I was a little afraid that I'd find a severed hand or somethign like that in the bag, but all I found was the DMV letter... I knew what the letter meant and how to handle it. I assured the guy that I’d take care of the problem for him. It was all under control. That was his cue to leave.

He didn’t leave.

I could see saliva building up at the corner of his lip and threaten to start dripping down.

“Why isn’t he leaving?!” I thought to myself.

Just as I was about to give him a stronger signal that our little meeting was over, he looked me dead in my eyes and said this:

“Man… You have the most gorgeous set of blue eyes I’ve ever seen.”

Damn it Moe! How could you leave me alone with this guy!?

“Thanks…” was all I could manage to reply to his creepy compliment.

Finally, thankfully, the phone rang and I had to answer it. Then line two, and finally line three began ringing as well.

“I’ll let you take care of that friend… I’ll catch you later,” Creepy Serial Killer Guy said as he mercifully left the office... It took all my strength not to do one of those throw-up in my mouth things...

Hope Lost, Love Hurts

And NOW, it’s on to FILM VAULT TUESDAY!

Title: Fools Rush In (1997)

Credits: Salma Hayek, Matthew Perry

Why: I caught this movie on HBO at 4 in the morning around 1998... Let’s just say I was in an “altered” state of mind. I had no idea who Salma Hayek was at the time, and I hated Matthew Perry. But I fell in love with this movie anyway.

It’s full of corny stereotypes and predictable plot twists. Perry plays the same character as he played on "Friends", and most of the jokes were only funny because I was um- “altered.”

But it had (and still has) something... Between chemistry of the two main characters (and Salma’s breathtaking beauty) this movie somehow manages to breakthrough the cookie cutter romantic comedy mold that was so prevalent in the late 90’s.

Like I said before, most of the jokes aren’t really that funny... but some of the subtle and understated lines that Perry throws out make me laugh out loud to this day.

*note… I’ve used this movie on dates 3 times and well, let's just say I’m 3 for 3. (Granted, when a girl comes to your apartment to watch a movie and let you cook for her, your chances were pretty damn good regardless of the movie, but whatever.)

Remote Stopper Scene: I can’t turn the channel until I’ve seen the part where Salma’s father pulls up to Matthew Perry’s job site with a baseball bat and says, “Jew are not a man… Jew are a thief dat’s what jew are!”

Goosebump/Tear Factor: “You are everything, I never knew, I always wanted!”- it gets me every time… also, I love when the end credits role and the Elvis version of "Only Fools Rush In," comes on. One of my all-time favorite songs.

Overall: Just because of the fact that it was so predictable and had so many bad jokes I can’t go any higher than a 7.

But regardless of the rating, it’s one of the most well worn DVD’s I have in my collection… and not just because it’s served me so well on dates.

BOOK SLUT

When I think about all the books I’ve ever read, all the books I’ve really loved… It’s a pretty distinguished list. A lot of “classic” books... A lot of prestigious books. The type of books that are read reluctantly by pimple faced teenagers in English classes all over the country- year after year.

Of course usually these really are fabulous books. But personally I loved these books, not because they were supposed to be great, because I found them to be eloquent, or touching, or poetic, or whatever the hell I found them to be when I read them.

I've never liked a certain book because it was considered great, I like a book for the way it makes me feel... for the connection I make with the story.

To Kill a Mocking Bird, Grapes of Wrath, Great Expectations… Off the top of my head those are all books that I love, and would fall under that “Classic” category.

There were a lot of “classics” that I didn’t particularly like… The Stranger, Ethan Frome, The Great Gatsby… those books made me want to stab myself in the face with a pencil.

I’m not saying they were bad books, I’m just saying I didn’t like them… I mean, who the hell am I to say that F. Scott Fitzgerald is over rated? I write about “Film Vault Tuesday” and how I swallowed my pride so I could stare at some girl’s cleavage… So I’m certainly not going to throw stones at a guy considered to be the voice of his generation. I’ll just say that I didn’t really “get” his book. It just wasn't really for me, but clearly it was for a lot of other people.

Some books that I have loved which are not as well known, not necessarily obscure, but by no means on some scholar's “classic” list, would be books like The Fuck-Up, Forever, My Secret History, and Stones of Summer.

Of course I'm into a lot of trendier authors as well; Luis Alberto Urrea, Earnest J. Gaines, Nick Hornby, Chuck Klosterman, Richard Russo, and John Irving novels take up a considerable amount of space on my bookshelf.

Then there’s the political stuff… Lots of Bio’s, memoirs, commentarys. Marx, Lenin, Orwell, Che… My dozen or so Chomsky and Howard Zinn books that are falling apart because I have underlined, highlighted, and re-read them again and again…

I've got Sports books; Fab Five, Friday Night Lights, Lenny, Lefty, and the Chancellor, and Fall River Dreams, all come to mind.

I’ve got books that mean something to me personally, like my well worn copy of The Motorcycle Diaries, and my 9th grade copy of Night by Elie Wiesel that never found it‘s way back to my school... and then there is The Corner which followed the year in the life of a West Baltimore neighborhood located about a half mile from where I once lived.

Nobody would be ashamed to own the books I own. They’re good books.

But I have to admit, there is a dark side to my reading habits… Something I don’t often share… A weakness, a “dirty little secret,” if you will.

I just can’t help myself… Sometimes I’ll be walking through the grocery store, my mind occupied with thoughts of Frozen Pizza, 2 percent milk, and Fruity Pebbles… Books are the furthest thing from my mind at the grocery store...

And then I see it, from the corner of my eye. So easy, so exposed, so cheap… so sultry… A John Grisham novel…

I know it’s wrong. I know there is nothing below the surface in a book like this.

There will be no long term relationship with this book… I’ll never read through it again… Never mark the pages, underline the poignant and touching lines, or try to memorize certain passages… I most likely will forget whatever plot line lies beneath that sexy little cover.

Name? What was the name of that book? The Client? No…

The Partner? No.

The Associate?

Maybe it was the Legal Aide? Or the Paralegal… The legal Secretary?

When it comes to a Grisham novel, I don‘t remember trivial things like a title or a plot... All of the books just kind of get all jumbled together in a dark corner of my memory.

The main character’s name? I don’t know, he was a southern lawyer though, I’m pretty sure about that.

When I pick up that grocery store paperback, I know that we’ll have our fun… It will be fast, it will be dirty, and will be done in secret… I won’t recommend the book to anyone, it won’t go on my bookshelf. But still, my shame won't keep me from having a hot and heavy fling with whatever his latest "Legal Thriller" is.

It’s true. I’ve read them all, and I’ll keep reading them… I know I will.

I admit it.

Go ahead, call me what you will... but I can no longer live this double life.

So here it goes, my confession:

John Grisham, I am your dirty little mistress!

Or wait a second, maybe you’re my dirty little mistress… I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter. The point is something dirty is going on between us... and I like it!

FILM VAULT TUESDAY (Week 4)

I had my next edition of Film Vault Tuesdaywritten and ready to go when fate intervened… During the Super Bowl the NFL had a commercial featuring Harrison Ford and I casually mentioned that there was a new Indian Jones being made… To which my sister Jessica replied: “I’ve never seen any of those movies.”

That changed everything. Starting with my Film Vault Tuesday plans… The FVT that I had already written will be set back a week as I make the Indiana Jones trilogy the focus of this installment… And of course before this week is over Jessica and I will have watched all three movies.

Raiders of the Lost Ark was last night. Tonight we’ve got Temple of Doom, and if we're felling really ambitious maybe even The Last Crusade. But if we run out of time we tonight we'll have to watch it later in the week... But it will get done.

As we were watching Raiders last night, I began thinking about the trilogy as a whole and I decided to come up with 10 basic Indiana Jones Rules for the beginner. Here's what I came up with:

THE INDIANA JONES RULES

1. Indiana can sense a booby-trap coming… If you’re ever in a dark cave with him and he holds you back and says “Don’t move,” he means it. Don’t move.

2. Indiana can do some crazy shit with a whip… If you’re a hot chick and somebody is about to shoot you, don’t worry, Indiana will appear and knock the gun from the bad guy's hand with his trusty whip… you can also stop worrying about bottomless pits. That's right, if you need to jump across a bottomless pit, Indiana can use the whip to swing himself across the hole as you clutch his manly chest… but only if you’re a hot chick. If you’re a dude, he’ll swing across first and then let you go second. There will be no Dude-on-Indiana chest clutching… Indiana Jones will not be appearing in the Brokeback Mountain sequel.

3. Speaking of hot chicks- Indiana bangs hot chicks… No matter what side you’re on- Good or Evil, Indiana will bang the bejesus out of you if you’re hot. Don’t even try to resist his powers.

4. When Indiana discovers a room or vault that hasn’t been opened for Two-Thousand Years, there will always be 800 snakes just hanging around guarding the rooms contents… Forget the fact that most snakes like to be alone- Indiana Jones' movie snakes love to hang out in large groups and protect hidden archaeological treasures.

*note- sometimes snakes can be replaced by tarantulas or rats.

5. Indiana can figure out how to operate anything on the fly... a big truck, a speed boat, a small engine airplane, a horse, a camel, a motorcycle, anything!

6. When a large group of angry blood thirsty Muslims charges Indiana, they must charge one at a time. Sure they could probably take him easily if the whole group jumped on him at once, but that wouldn’t be fair…

7. Never, EVER, fight Indiana Jones near a moving plane or boat propeller thing that can chop you to bits… it won’t go well for you, just take my word for it.

8. If you're a Nazi, Indiana will kick your ass!

*note- if you're a sexy female Nazi, please refer to rule #3.

9. At some point during the movie, Indiana’s shirt needs to be torn, exposing his bare chest.
(Man crush alert)

10. And finally, if and when the villain has captured Indiana he can never, EVER, just shoot him in the head… He is contractually obligated to leave Indy for dead in some locked room, vault, or whole and pray to god that he won’t figure out how to escape.

So there you have it… Ten Rules for watching an Indiana Jones movie!

Remote Stopper Scene: Each of the three movies has it’s scenes, but to me, the best Indiana Jones scene of all time is in the Last Crusade when he’s going through the temple trying to reach the Holy Grail. He's got to remember all these goofy lessons his dad taught him about Grail Legend when he was a kid... for whatever reason, I always fear for Indiana's life as if he's NOT going to make it through!

Goosebump Factor: Every time the Indiana Jones theme music comes on!

Overall Rating:

Raiders of the Lost Arc - 8.0

(1981)

Harrison Ford, Karen Allen





Temple of Doom - 7.0

(1984)

Harrison Ford, Kate Capshaw, Jonathan Ke Quan




Last Crusade - 8.5

(1989)

Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Alison Doody, and River Pheonix




I haven’t heard anything confirmable about the upcoming sequel (not from a lack of searching), but I’m excited… and worried. As CincySunDevil has pointed out, Harrison Ford is really looking rough. I’m a little worried about seeing my hero limping around with a bad hip and stiff back… We’ll see.

Regardless of whether or not Harrison Ford looks like my grandfather and can no longer perform his own stunts, I know I’ll be there opening night... I’ll probably be in a line full of nerds waiting to buy tickets on opening night, arguing over whether or not Indiana and his Father are actually Immortal based on the ending to Last Crusade (They’re not by the way).

As I type this, Jessica has only seen 1 of the 3 movies, but I’m going to go out on the limb and say that she’ll be standing right next to me in the line of nerds.

List Thing

So, I got tagged by Sonrisa to do this list thing... before I get into that I'll give this brief update; My wife is on some very good pain killers and it's helping, we're going to see a specialist later today and should know more then... Some interesting observations/comments/questions from our hospital and doctor's visits over the past 2 days:

- Are Emergency room Doctors and nurses actually trained not to make eye contact with neglected patients as they go down the hallway or is that something that they just pick up on the job? Maybe Dr. V could answer that question, although I'm sure she doesn't do that to her patients.

- Why don't nurses ever actually LISTEN to what you're saying? Only my friend Moe Green is better at cutting people off in mid sentence before you can get to your point than the nurses at Frederick memorial Hospital.

- This isn't an observation, but an actual question that I was asked by a redneck nurse with bleach blond hair that was all poofy in front: "Does your wife know how to say her name in English?"

Now, onto the list... and keeping with tradition, I won't tag anyone else, just if you feel like doing this, by all means knock yourself out.

Three books I can read over and over:
- Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
- Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
- To Kill a Mockingbird by whoever the hell wrote it. (I belive it's Harper Lee)

Three places I've lived:
- Frederick, MD
- West Baltimore (not good times, bad times)
- Beltsville/College Park, MD

Three TV shows I love:
- The Office
- Law and Order: SVU (It's so terrible that I actually enjoy watching it. In fact I'll have to expand on it with an entire post all to it's on one day)
- Intervention (it's on A&E, they follow crack heads around for a week and then hit them with a "surprise" intervention at the end... total train wreck, pulls me in ever time)

Three highly regarded and recommended TV shows that I've never watched a single minute of:
- The Shield (I can't take any show with a 5'4" tough guy seriously)
- 24 (Um... see above. I just can't buy Keefer Sutherland saving the world more than once per lifetime.)
- Entourage (I believe that it's good but I feel like I've missed out on too much to step in at this point plus I hate, HATE being told that I just HAVE to see this show.)

Three places I've vacationed:
- Mexico
- Houston
- Myrtle Beach

Three of my favorite dishes:
- Lomo Saltado (from La Puerta in Arlington, VA)
- Pupusas (made by mi cuñada Lupe)
- Some Macaroni/Hamburger/Corn/Tomato mix casserole thing my Mom makes.

Three sites I visit daily:(Non-blogs)
- McSweeny's
- ESPN
- IMDB (Internet Movie Database)

Three places I would rather be right now:
- At home in bed
- Asleep on my couch
- Asleep on someone else's couch