MAKING HISTROY

Ladies and gentleman we have reached an historic moment in the storied history of this blog… That’s right, this is my 100th post!

In the 100 post history of this blog we’ve reviewed a bunch of forgotten movies, we’ve confessed our sins, we’ve probably learned a little more than we’ve ever wanted to know about each other.

We’ve come to the conclusion that you should never leave your wife around Hector (or Sonrisa for that matter.

We’ve had heated political discussions, we’ve learned the proper etiquette for the Chinese Buffet, and we’ve discovered what can happen if you try to dunk a basketball with a popsicle in your mouth.

I’ve written a few good posts (3 or 4 by my count) and many, many mediocre ones (the Blog is called Tales of Mediocrity for a reason)…

We found out that Moe Greene is a boy toucher who’s been infected with gonorrhea 3 times… and that I have gorgeous blue eyes… (one of those statement may not be true, but I’ll let you use your best judgment to decide which one that is)

In honor of this 100th post, I’ve decided to dust off Film Vault Tuesday and bring it back… I know, I know, you can hardly contain the euphoria running through your veins… it’s a special occasion indeed. So special in fact that even “Rosie the Cat” has decided to get dressed up for the triumphant return.














As you can see, Rosie is a big fan of the “Popped Collar” look on her polo shirts… That’s what happens when you let your cat watch too much MTV… She actually thought we were shooting a Kanye West video.

But enough about my cat, it time for FILM VAULT TUESDAY!!!! [insert applause]

FILM: ALADDIN (1992)

CAST: Robin Williams, Gilbert Godfrey, and a bunch of people that do cartoon voices.

WHY: I was 12 years old when this movie came out. That means I had passed the age where it was still expectable to go see a Disney movie, but I was still young enough that I secretly wanted to see it… Luckily for me I had a little sister and that was my excuse… And I used the excuse many, many times.

Last Christmas it finally came out on DVD and my sister bought it for me. I hadn’t seen it in years, but somehow the movie still held up… I know Robin Williams is a washed up and annoying actor/comedian now, but let’s not forget that Williams was at his absolute peak during the time they made this movie… He had a 2 year run when he was the guy if you were making a comedy… Then he fell off a bit before coming back as a semi-serious actor who managed to nail several rolls in a row, the peak of which was his Good Will Hunting Oscar victory… Of course now we’re all wishing he would just go away… But regardless, he was laugh out loud funny in Aladdin. Just watch the movie if you don’t believe me… Aladdin and Toy Story are the only 2 kids movies that ever managed to make me laugh out loud, and they both stand the test of time.

Gilbert Godfrey also does a great job as Iago, an evil conniving Parrot… And also props to Aladdin’s monkey who, if there were any real justice in Disney movies, would have been the one to nail Princess Jasmine (who was a piece of ass by the way).

REMOTE SCENE STOPPER: Of course that has to be the Magic Carpet Ride where they sing “A Whole New World”… The soundtrack version was a HUGE hit that year, but the movie version is way better. I’m singing the words in my head right now as I type this… but before you start thinking I’m soft, I have a few things to say about Aladdin… He was a total bitch… First his dumb ass gave Jaffar the Magic Lamp when they were trying to get out of the cave. If it hadn’t been for the Monkey, the movie would have been over right there! The Monkey was a thug by the way… He and the Magic Carpet saved Aladdin’s ass way too many times if you ask me. They never got enough credit.

But my main beef with Aladdin is at the end of the Carpet ride… If you remember correctly, he was afraid to even go for a kiss on the balcony. The Magic Carpet had to give him a little nudge to get the job done!?

And let me just say, Princess or not, if I take some broad on a MAGIC CARPET RIDE that ends with a personal FIREWORKS SHOW, I’m getting a whole lot more than a kiss… Had I been given the role of Aladdin I would have destroyed the ‘G’ rating right there on that balcony!

TEAR/GOOSEBUMP: I get goosebumps at two points in the movie, never fails… [1] as soon as the Genie is released from the lamp the first time, and [2] when that bitch Aladdin releases the Genie at the end.

OVERALL: Without question, this is one of the Top 3 or 4 Disney movies ever made… While I do have some issues with Aladdin and his manhood, I give the movie an 8.5 out of 10.

CAUSE YOU HAD A BAD DAY...

It all started with a dream, a nightmare really… that’s two weeks in a row that I’ve had a bad dream on the Monday night before my weekly Tuesday posting. Some might argue that it’s a mixture of bad karma and guilt due to my neglect of Film Vault Tuesday… Maybe so.

My dream found me working in a very upscale hotel in the center of some anonymous and bustling city… Which wouldn’t have been so bad except for the fact that my job wasn’t very prestigious; I was an elevator operator, and I was of course dressed in a hideous burgundy fancy hotel worker outfit.

As if the job wasn’t horrifying enough on its own, someone I knew got on the elevator with a friend… But not just anyone, it was the girl who gave me my first bitter and unforgettable taste of rejection… No chaser offered, quite an after-taste. Some of you may remember the open letter I wrote to her a while back.

Anyway, she get’s on the elevator- I’m praying she won’t recognize me, and at first she doesn’t. Then, just as the elevator halts and the doors are about to open, we make eye contact.

I can see the instant flash of recognition in her eyes. She looks me up and down taking in the entire sight of me in my sad state. She starts to grin. The grin does not convey a happiness to see me after all these years; No, this grin is actually the beginning of laughter… at me… at my job… at my life.

She covers her mouth in an attempt to hide her immediate reaction as the elevator doors open… She makes a noble attempt of suppressing her laughter but she can’t… There is an awkward pause before she finally gives up and lets out a stinging cackle of laughter.

Then she just turns away, takes her friend by the hand and walks out the elevator.

The doors close leaving me alone in the elevator. I can see my depressed burgundy reflection on the back of the doors… and that’s all I remember. I awoke to a thunder storm taking place outside my bedroom window.

It was a good signal that I should have probably stayed in bed. I didn’t. I wish I had.

In short, it has been a bad day…

SHUFFLE BUTTON

The project I've been working on since coming back to my old job requires me to leave my house at no latter than 4:45 so that I can be at my desk a little before 6 am... While I do despise waking up so early, I don't mind missing the traffic.

I cruise down an empty George Washington Parkway and get a beautiful view of the Potomac River, Georgetown, and the Washington monument.

I also love Capitol Hill at sunrise... There is something amazing about being in the Heart of our Nation's Capitol as it wakes up. The sidewalks are empty. There is no commotion. No tourists. No power brokers swinging deals on their cell phones... Just a few stray workers doing the same thing I'm doing; getting an early start on the day... They shoot a nod or wave of the hand in my direction- just a quick acknowledgment. Amazingly, right there in the shadows of the Capitol Building it feels like this metropolis is still a small town.

I don't notice all these things everyday, I've lived here all my life... but every now and then I catch myself admiring the City like any other tourist.

That happened this morning... I got to work early and decided to sit in my car and listen to my Mp3 player. I put my headphones on and hit the shuffle button... I have about 1300 songs on my player right now- I have everything from the Raggaeton of Don Omar to the Classic Rock of The Doors... It's always an adventure when I hit the shuffle button.

When I hit this morning I got "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" sung by Judy Garland (everyone has their guilty pleasures, what can I say?)... I leaned my seat back and relaxed as I let the music take me away... I thought about how much I loved DC at this hour... My sister's graduation... My god, she's all grown up... And so am I... It's seems like only a couple of years ago that we were little kids hidden under a blanket and eating popcorn as we watched Judy Garland sing this very song in "The Wizard of OZ"... It was a very touching moment... Just me, in my car, staring at the Capitol Building, listening to the music... and then the song ended...

a pause as the next song began... I wonder what it will be??

My ear drums were immediately hit with the bass of Pitbull and Lil' John's song "Toma"... in case you've never heard it- here are the opening lyrics written by that world renowned bilingual poet, Pitbull:

OYE LOCA VEN PA'CA, OYE LOCA VEN PA'CA
MUEVELO MUEVELO SIN PARAR
SI TU QUIERES QUE TE COMA TODA, SI TU QUIERES QUE TE COMA TODA
ABRE LA PIERNAS DA LE TOMA!
EVERY OTHER CITY WE GO- WE ALWAYS PULL A COUPLE OF PRETTY HOES
TAKE'EM BACK TO THE ROOM AND GET IT ON
ONCE WE DONE GET YOUR CLOTHES AND GET GONE...

Needless to say, my special moment was over... I listened for a minute, laughed at the amazing contrast of the songs, and then decided to get to work.

As I made the long walk to my office all I could think was: NOTHING BEATS THE SHUFFLE BUTTON!

THE DROUGHT CONTINUES

Film Vault Tuesday continues to be on break but I do four things I'd like to share with everyone.

[1] Today is my Mother's birthday, I think she's 48, but she could be 49... So Happy Birthday to her. I know it must be a little scary to be getting so close to 50, so I thought I'd show this picture of her when she was a young mother and I was without question the cutest baby that ever lived:

















[2] Also, my sister graduated from High School on Wednesday of last week and I haven't gotten around to mentioning here on the blog. I was hoping to have a picture from the graduation to put up, but somebody hasn't provided me with any of those pictures yet... so instead I'll put up this baby picture of my sister that really embarrasses her. Although she's beautiful now, she wasn't the cutest baby in the world (certainly not as cute as the baby above) in fact in this picture her face looks exactly like my Uncle Danny who is easily one of the top 5 ugliest men in the world- and that is absolutely not an exaggeration.






[3] I had McDonald's for lunch today- Nuggets... I gobbled them down with a speed and ferocity that would have made Moe Greene proud. A few minutes later I stopped at a gas station and gathered up the trash produced by my lunch. When I lifted up the McDonald's bag I discovered one crispy and still warm Nugget that must have somehow fallen out. The amount of pleasure the coursed through my veins at this discovery is almost shameful. But damn did that Nugget taste good.

and [4] I had one of those dreams on Sunday night that feel SO real that even after you wake up it takes you a few minutes to decide whether or not it was real... Moe Greene and I had gone to Chicago to take in a Cubs game at Wrigley field. We met up with all of the Chicago Bloggers at a very nice but pricey restaurant. It was a good meal, but as the night wore on the bloggers started to leave one by one until finally Moe and I were left alone at the table. When the check came we realized that nobody had paid for their meals before leaving. Moe and I were left with a $1200 bill, tip not included... So I would just like to say, to the Chicago bloggers; Shame on you for what you did... um, in my dream. It really pissed me off... you know, in my dream.

Joel's 2006 Sleazy Confesion Awards

And now… coming to you live from the Asi Es Studios located in Joel’s living room.......... it’s the First Annual Joel’s Sleazy Confession Awards!!! [insert exaggerated applause]

This evening's event will be co-hosted by two of Tales of Mediocrity’s most popular writers…

Our first host is perhaps best known for his sexual confusion and love of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu, but did you know he has also been the author of several failed blogs including the soon to fail sports blog called The DC Sports Diary? That’s right, it’s none other than our very own Moe Greene!!! [insert moderate and polite applause]

Our second host probably needs no introduction… but for purposes of over-dramatizing this event we’ll give him one anyway… [insert very dramatic voice] He is best known for running arguably the most ground breaking and important blog this world has ever known… In less than one year of operation he has managed to touch lives across the world… He has stopped hunger, cured cancer, found homes for thousands of orphan kittens, and more importantly he has given us- Film Vault Tuesday. [insert applause]

He is charitable, funny, fat, well hung, bald, and sexy…. He is a feminist who cannot suppress his love for strippers and cleavage… ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

Joel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [insert long standing ovation… camera shows attractive woman giving the slow clap applause as her eyes water with tears]

Joel: [barely audible over audience applause] Thank you, thank you… [blowing kisses to the crowd]

Moe: [After applause finally dies down] So, it’s good to see everyone is doing well this evening. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am really excited about tonight’s awards, because we’ve got a great show for you.

Joel: Yes that’s very true. A great show indeed.

Moe: I’m also really glad to see that everyone from the blog world is in attendance tonight.

Joel: Yes we have a wonderful audience in attendance tonight. Everyone is looking great, in fact, give yourselves a round of applause. [insert applause]

Moe: You know, after learning all that we have learned about our fellow bloggers from these confessions it could make for an eventful night…

Joel: Why is that?

Moe: Well, you know, with all these lustful people here- I’d say it’s a lock somebody is going to hook up.

Joel: Well you can’t just throw a prediction like that out there without following up on it… I would like to know- in fact I’m sure our audience would like to know, who do you think will hook up?

Moe: That’s a very good question. [pauses in thought] And based on the sex confessions we have all read, I would have to say Hector and ~A.D~ would be the most likely to hook up…

Joel: Yes, that’s a very good pick. A fine pick indeed, but you know, from what I remember from her confession, I’d say that ~A.D~ seems to dig married guys, and I could be wrong but I don’t think Hector is married.

Moe: That’s true, Hector might not be married, I never thought of that…

Joel: Okay so maybe ~A.D~ won’t be putting out tonight… But do you know who IS probably a good bet to put out for one of these handsome blogger guys here with us tonight?

Moe: Who’s that?

Joel: Why none other then YOU, my lovely co-host Moe Greene!

Moe: Ouch, I walked right into that one… But we don’t know for a fact that I’m either loose, or gay for that matter... At this point it’s all rumors, nasty rumors.

Joel: Oh please, at the very least we can say you’re slutty… Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not saying that Moe Greene is a man-whore, but… Okay, actually that is what I’m saying, Moe Greene is a man-whore.

Moe: Come on, a guy has six or seven hundred man crushes and all of a sudden you make him out to be some sort of gay slut…

Joel: Well you know folks, some gay men say that they think they were possibly the victims of some kind of genetic mistake… They say that they were actually supposed to be born a female but through some sort of mix up, they came out as men…

Moe: What’s your point, are you saying I was supposed to be a woman?

Joel: Well Moe, it’s not just that… We actually had some doctors analyze a few of your sexual fantasies and it turns out that, not only were you supposed to be a woman… but based on your sexual urges, you were supposed to be born a groupie giving out sexual favors in an NBA locker room!

Moe: Man, you are brutal tonight… But enough of the Moe Greene jokes, we’re on a tight schedule here and I believe that someone is supposed to be revealing a new confession for our audience….

Joel: Oh right, of course, I had almost forgotten… Since we’re under such time constraints I’ll give the very brief version…

Moe: Let’s hear it…

Joel: Well you were there… I mean, you weren’t there there, but you were there.

Moe: Just spit it out!

Joel: Well last year after a University of Maryland Football game I had a bathroom emergency and ended up having to take a crap in the stairwell of a parking garage… Someone almost walked in on me and I had to slam my body against the door to keep them from catching me in the act.

Moe: That’s not so bad… I'm mean it's bad, but I was expecting more...

Joel: Well I was still kind of in the act when I had to fight the door, and well… things got a bit messy… really I just want to say sorry to whoever had to clean up after the game.

Moe: Yeah those guys deserve a raise… But all these people in the audience tonight didn’t come here to listen to your shit story, they’re here for the AWARDS!

Joel: Well let’s not keep them waiting.

Moe: To save time some of the less celebrated awards were given out earlier this evening… and those awards were….

Joel: [pauses to take out list of awards] Yes… we gave out an award for “Best Confession of Running Away From Home to Sleep with a Girl From Minnesota” went to…. [dramatic pause]

Moe: Santiago!! [insert applause]

Joel: Well that was a shocker…

Moe: Yes indeed… and the next award from earlier this evening was for [reading off list] “Best Confession of a Female Lying About Her Age…”

Joel: I understand there was some very tough competition in that field…

Moe: Very tough… And the winner was… CAD!!!! [insert applause]

Joel: Also, the “Blurry Face” Award for best anonymous confession was given to Anonymous Person #1 who met up with a blogger in a hotel to have a wild one night stand! [insert applause]

Moe: Very nice indeed... Let’s not forget that I also lost an award earlier this evening to Marie for “Most Embarrassing Confession”… I shit myself in a car full of in-laws and all she did was run into her reflection in a mirror.

Joel: Yeah but in Marie’s defense she did run into the reflection three times and apologized before she realized it was her reflection and not another human being… plus she’s way cuter than you… So congratulations to Marie!! [insert applause]

Moe: Don’t forget our “Best Confession by Someone with a Graduate Degree” Award… that went to Vanessa who did the nasty in her best friend’s bed while she was house sitting! [insert applause]

Joel: Very impressive… And finally, we gave an award to Sonrisa for… well, for being Sonrisa… A witty, talented, curvatious, bi-sexual, sexy woman who happens to share my love of strippers!!! And if that doesn’t deserve an award then I don’t know what does! I guess we’ll call that a “Lifetime Achievement Award”… So let’s hear a big round of applause for Sonrisa!!

[Insert Applause]

Moe: Sonrisa, and actually all of tonight’s winners can make their acceptance speeches in the comments section of this post, isn’t that right Joel?

Joel: Right you are Moe, all speeches and comments are welcome.

Moe: Well now that we have all of that out of the way, it’s time to turn our attention to the really big awards… I guess we’ll start with the Category of the “Back Stabber Award!”

Joel: Good call… This is actually my favorite award, since I have so much experience on the subject…

Moe: Yes you do… And the nominees are…. Cindylu for dating her close friend’s ex-boyfriend… Hector for banging his best friend’s wife… Vanessa for her previously discussed accomplishments in her friend’s bed…. And finally Hispanic Pundit for pounding out his buddies sister in some very public places!!!

Joel: And the winner is [opening envelope] Hector!!!!!! [insert applause]

Moe: Wow, that one must have been a tough decision.

Joel: It was a tough choice Moe… Since HP did his dirt in Compton he probably put his life at risk… but Hector nailed his BEST friend’s WIFE… his WIFE… I felt like an accomplishment of that caliber had to be rewarded in this situation, even if his life wasn’t in immediate danger.

Moe: Did the fact that you’re married and wouldn’t want to give Hector an excuse to target your wife next factor into the decision?

Joel: No comment… But I would like to request that if Hector has some time later on maybe he could give me some tips on how to bang my best friend’s wife…

Moe: Yes that would be very educational… wait a second! I’m your best friend!

Joel: Yes you are Moe, yes you are… But let’s get on to the next award!!!

Moe: Yes this next very hallowed award is the “Used Condom Award”… This goes to the best sex story. And the nominees are… Vanessa… HP… Anonymous #1… and White Rose Boy… WRB received his nomination for hooking up with the mother of one of the kids he coached on a sports team…

Joel: Wow, this was another tough choice… [opening envelope] and the winner is…. Hispanic Pundit!!!!!!!! [insert applause]

Moe: I guess you didn’t want to snub a guy from Compton on two awards in a row…

Joel: Very true… I remember what happened to Biggie when he went to California!

Moe: Good Point… But really, HP was deserving of the award- he did have sex with a girl in the kitchen while her family was in the living room.

Joel: Very true, public sex is not easy to pull off… Okay we’ve made our way to the final 3 big awards! [insert applause]

Moe: Yes, the first of those would be the “Best Male Confession”…. And the nominees are… Hector… Santiago… Hispanic Pundit… and White Rose Boy…

Joel: That’s tough competition, 3 of those nominees have already won an award.

Moe: That’s right… but we do have a winner [opens envelope] and that winner is………………. Hector!!!!!! [insert applause]

Joel: Wow, it’s been a big night for Hector indeed… He’s becoming a legend here tonight!

Moe: I’d say so… but let’s get to the “Best Female Confession” Award…

Joel: And the nominees for that award are… ~A.D~, a married woman who confessed to having an ongoing affair with a married man…. also we have Sonrisa, we recently found out that she has secretly been married to a gay man for the past five years… Moe you may want to see if she can hook you up with a number or something because she’s still friendly with him…

And the last two nominees are Cindylu and Cracked Chancla who coincidently was my first reader…

Moe: I think your first reader was Gustavo…

Joel: We’ll have to have our research department look into that… regardless, I’m a big fan of Chancla AND of her confession… Chancla had a bit too much to drink one night and was almost kidnapped by some nasty guys, but the story doesn’t end there… the attempted kidnapping led to a scuffle of sorts and some punches were thrown before Chancla and her crew hoped in a car and sped away- hitting several parked cars during their getaway… Now Moe, as an Insurance Agent, how would you describe that hit and run incident…

Moe: Well Joel, there is a very specific term we have in the Insurance Industry for a hit and run like that…

Joel: Really? What term would that be?

Moe: The term is- Illegal!

Joel: Well I’m sure some attorneys might argue with you on that.

Moe: No they wouldn’t… I mean, that is a clear cut case of a hit and run and no lawyer in the world would-

Joel: Agree to Disagree…

Moe: Whatever… let’s just read the winner [opening the envelope] and the winner is… ~A.D~ !!! [insert applause]

Joel: She must be very proud Moe….

Moe: Who wouldn’t be…

Joel: Okay before we get to the final award we have one last surprise for you all… We have a musical guest invited to tonight’s show and it is my absolute pleasure and honor to introduce to you the biggest and best band in the world…. GREEN DAY!!!!!!!!!

Click -->here<-- to download performance

Moe: [screaming over standing ovation] Now that was an amazing performance!!!

Joel: Yes it was Moe, and I can’t think of a better way to follow that up than with the announcement of the winner of Joel’s 2006 Sleazy Confession Award!!!!

[insert applause]

Moe: And the nominees are… ~A.D~…. Sonrisa….. Hector….. and Hispanic Pundit……

Joel: Ladies and gentlemen we are all aware of the outstanding accomplishments these bloggers have made… They are all Confession Legends at this point and I must say, while there can only be one winner, nobody goes home a loser… except Moe because he’s an Insurance Agent and those guys are fucking scum…

Moe: Yes they are…

Joel: And the winner of the “Best Confession” at Joel’s 2006 Sleazy Confession Awards is… [insert drum roll] ………………

HECTOR!!!!!!!!

[insert standing ovation]

Moe: [as applause finally dies down] Joel, I don’t think there will be any critics of this decision but just in case there are, what was your thinking on this award?

Joel: Moe, I’m glad you asked me that… If you read Hector’s confession, and I did many times, it ends with a little glimpse at what promises to be a potentially fabulous confession for next year… Hector makes reference to the fact that he is not content to only nail his best friend’s wife, that’s right folks, he now has his sites set on his best friend’s sister!!!!

I personally don’t think he should stop there though… I think he should make an all out assault on all the women in his best friend’s family.

Moe: A sort of sexual jihad if you will…

Joel: Exactly, the mother, the sister, cousins, everybody over 18 should be made a target!

[insert applause]

Moe: Well I think it’s safe to say that the big winner tonight is Hector… He has established that he is a force in the world of blog confessions and we look forward to what promises to be a long career of fantastic confessions…. Hector, from myself, Joel, and the entire Asi Es Studio, we tip our hats to you sir….

Joel: Indeed we do tip our hats Moe… and thanks to everyone who came out this evening. Good Night and Drive Home Safely… And please, if you have someone house sitting for you right now, remember to wash your bed sheets!